Little Big

It’s time for some Thrift Store Gore! What is thrift store gore? I made it up with my brain! It’s a column I created after finding one too many disturbingly weird things while thrifting. I post photos of stuff that belongs at the tippy-top of Little Big’s Thrifting Pyramid and then I make fun of them. Click here for more gore, or here to learn about Thrift Store Gore Bingo, a fun game for the whole family and maybe that crazy lady who won’t stop talking to you in housewares.

I don’t know if this is just a common feature about where I live, but when you visit a thrift store in my area, you will be presented with about ten thousand cow-themed buying options. Although I live in a place large enough to be considered a city, we are surrounded by farm land, fields, and ranches. We have an abundance of dairies, and one casual drive through the slightest outskirts of the suburbs and you will know that by the smell alone. A lot of people around here love cows and feel it necessary to buy any item emblazoned with Holstein patches of black and white, even if it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. It might be that people everywhere desire bovine home accessories, I don’t know, but I can’t go into a thrift store without seeing something cow-related for the home.

I realize that the last time I posted thrift store gore it was all sex-related, and I didn’t mean for this time to include adult content as well, but I can’t help it. All the cows I found have an overly-developed sex drive.  I’m just here to snark on it.

Case in point: a teapot featuring a cow engaged in some sort of personal act with its own tail. What’s more appetizing than a cow regurgitating tea mid self-stimulation? The sad part is, I don’t think its even enjoying it. …More tea?

This piece really serves no other purpose than to display some cows getting freak-nasty in your living room. A wholesome nicknack for the whole family to enjoy!

At first glance this cow just looks high. The tongue sticking out is a nice touch. Upon closer examination, however, you’ll notice human ladyboobs and a distinct lack of udders.

“Pass the salt, dear!”

“Which one is the salt, Grandma?”

“The one that looks like a circumcised male member with a cow tattoo, sweetie.”

“Here you go!”

This is one of the weirdest items I’ve ever come across in my long career of thrifting. My cousin Liz actually pointed it out to me while we were at a church sale during Christmas. This was was a large picture, a couple feet across, professionally framed and encased in glass. This was a serious work of art that used to hang proudly in someone’s home. I’m assuming over the mantel, or the couch. Or, given the subject of the work, in the master bedroom.

Please note both the depraved actions of the farmer and the look of pure bliss on the cow. All I can say is, I’m super glad that’s an udder.

Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife! This is a mildly sexual edition of thrift store gore. What is thrift store gore? It’s a column I created after finding one too many disturbingly weird things while thrifting. I post photos of stuff that belongs at the tippy-top of Little Big’s Thrifting Pyramid and then I make fun of them. Today they all happen to be doing-it related. Don’t tell my Mom.

This carrot wall display is just in time for Spring! It’s a great reminder that no matter how badly you fail at gardening, at least you didn’t hang this on your wall. A friend of mine mentioned it looked like a rack of sad wangs, which would make this perfect for an erectile dysfunction ad. Talk to your doctor if your wang looks like a sad carrot display in a thrift store.

Seeing these figurines next to each other is like a Thrift Store Gore two-for-one. A weird kid in a questionably furry lamb suit? Check. Mouse wearing board shorts and a polo shirt playing tennis? Check. This is either someone’s Ambien dream or the best wedding cake topper couple ever.

I’ve heard that doctors actually prescribe this book to patients whose boners last over four hours after taking Viiagra for their carrot wang. One look at this grandma on the cover and you will no longer be sporting a ‘Tude, if you know what I mean.

I think James Patterson is trying to make me feel terrified of virgins, but what he actually accomplished is pissing me off for not using my virgin-powered laser eyes while I had them.

You would think that being the Queen of No Pants would be awesome. You’d be wrong.

Simply possessing an albino Ernie cookie jar isn’t enough. One must glue a garter around its neck. Now it’s a sexy albino Ernie cookie jar.

I was thrifting with Melynda when she pointed out this angry dildo. Silly Melynda! That’s not an angry dildo. It’s a… a… Well, I got nothin’. That’s pretty much an angry dildo.

Kelly said it best, “This looks like a blow-up doll specifically designed for a very odd-shaped wiener.” What an epic piece of Thrift Store Gore. This is Brian McPoopington levels of bad.

Sorry this photo is so blurry. I was laughing as I took this. I’m not sure what it’s supposed to be, but it really looks like a bear in a gimp suit. Which was a hilarious idea up until I saw this:

This is the stuff of nightmares, so of course I immediately bought it for Angela. Look at his eyes! They’ve seen too much! And he’s wearing some sort of bondage collar. And his arms have wires in them so they are poseable. And he is, so help me, hard to the touch, not soft and squishy like a teddy bear should be. Angela immediately hid him under the covers on her husband’s side of the bed.