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Snapshot 12.17.14

17 Dec

–We have finally broken down and hired a housekeeper to come once a month and help me with the entropy created by living in a house with two adults, two small children, and a host of miscreant cats. I am embarrassed to admit I need. I am embarrassed that I am embarrassed I need help, which is a stupid meta-situation in and of itself. I know exactly how dumb this sounds. I can just hear Xzibit, king of inserting questionable situations inside other situations, in all his holy wisdom, saying, “Yo Dawg, I heard you are embarrassed about being embarrassed to hire a house cleaner. You can’t do everything by yourself. You are not superwoman.  Also, you have a chronic illness, so you lack the qualifications to be super. Let me know when you want me to put a car inside your car. This has been a special message from Xzibit.”  At first felt like a defeat to even consider a housekeeper. Why don’t I have this taken care of? I only barely work outside the home. I should be able to handle this all by myself! But I couldn’t and I can’t, not well, anyway, and things kept getting left undone and since being at home with the kids means I’m making messes at home with the kids, the house got out of hand. The housekeeper seems like an angelic blessing, like Christmas for me, really, to not have to try to do everything all at once while my kids make messes next to me and I try to function on too little sleep. When she left I spread my arms wide and spun around the living room like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music and my face got all wet for some reason.

–In addition to Elias rebelling against naptime, the kids have just been cah-razy lately. I left the kitchen for barely a moment and when I returned Isobel was chanting DRINK IT DRINK IT DRINK IT DRINK IT and she and Elias were tossing packages of ramen through the cat door. Another night Isobel was calmly working on crafts while I was unloading the dishwasher. Elias is fascinated by the dishwasher so my attention was consumed with putting things away while preventing his chubby body from diving headfirst into the drying rack.”I’m going to show you a magic trick!” she said, excitedly. “Ta da!” I looked over to find she had covered her hands in glue.

–Sometimes I think the constant questions, especially the mind-numbing amounts of “Why?” will never end. The natural curiosity of children is one of the most beautiful wonders of the Universe, but that feeling doesn’t extend to me explaining something for the fifth time and still being met with a chorus of Why? Last night the chorus was finally silenced when asleep. Her brow was untroubled and her thick lashes closed peacefully. She looked to me like the most perfect being in creation. Until, and I swear this happened, she talked in her sleep: “Why?

–A few weeks ago I was exiting a drive through and looping around the building to get to the best exit of parking lot for the drive home. The kids were in rare form, Elias was crying at top volume because he was tired and yet had the gall to not be alseep yet. Isobel was scream-crying I WAAAANT TWIIIINKLLLLE over and over because she had accidentally left him at home while we went to get lunch. I was driving slowly, following the line of cars ahead of me and shoving not a small amount of fries in my mouth when it happened: a guy who was sitting in front of the restaurant on a rail that separated the sidewalk from the drive thru leaned over and said, “You are so cute. Can I have your number?” It was warm and my windows were down and he was close enough to touch. My face was smeared with french fry grease and my mouth was full. I could not have looked more unavailable. I just sorted of frowned and kept driving, mouth full of fries, and later Isobel asked me, essentially, what his deal was. I told him he was just a rude dude and not to worry about it because I loved Daddy and there was no way I’m giving my number to a rude dude. A week later we found ourselves in the same drive thru and Isobel was worried Rude Dude would be back, so she decided to draft a note for me to give to Rude Dude, should he appear again. It would say, and I quote, “I am not giving you my number! You are a rude dude! I like someone else!! His name is Anthony! And these are my children!! I am not babysitting them!!!”

–Avoid seasonal and religious awkwardness and join me in telling everyone to “Have a great cooking time!” It’s what my microwave says when you plug it in.

–We have survived the Hellastorm intact! Despite drastic warnings from the media, our area was spared much of the intensity that other parts of California endured. We had some flooding and minor power outages but two years ago people were kayaking down the street and Angel’s house received a fairly impassable moat. This storm’s effects paled in comparison.

–Elias is working on some more top teeth but right now he just has the two on top and the two on bottom, and let me tell you it is not fun to be bitten by his little rodent teeth.

Follow Friday: Home Life 38. Read and get happy!

Snapshot 12.10.14. So many children, I don’t know what to do. Also, I live in a slouch boot.

Thrifty Giving: Vintage Glam. Sharing tastes in vintage glam.

Scrapbook: Rainy Days. Best kind of days for playing in forts.

Little Big Collection: Vintage Mugs. I have a problem with vintage mugs. I can’t say no.

Follow Friday: Bounce House Buddies. My love letter to the internet.

19 Family photos gone horribly wrong. I laughed out loud at this at 3 am while my family was sleeping. Hilarious, though I am legit worried about some of those airborne babies. Via  

Daily annoyances for most people are catastrophic for poor people. This is why money, to a certain extent, absolutely does buy happiness. And it’s not about luxury. It’s about survival and a decent quality of life. Via Angela

My son’s first passport photo. This is so funny.

Is this what the Santa Baby song is about?

The library in nearby Weed, California was destroyed in a fire. Help them rebuild.

Due to the recent CHEEZ-IT incident. I would pay money to find out what this is.

Place a Santa hat on the corner of your TV and every time someone wears it… DRINK!

Security questions of the 1%.

The first American enemy in the war against Christmas.

Make Your Own Sexy Toys. This is an actual book.

Worst restaurant in Manhattan.

Merry Christmas, you filthy animals! Joe Biden’s Christmas card, probably.

Bill Corbet is posting our entire graphic novel Super Powered Revenge Christmas for free online!

An unstoppable presidential duo. Or something.

Adorable ornaments by  on sale now!

Free cookie dough when you buy a Ouija board. Satan is hungry?

REI honored by friend Jose Gonzalez for creating Latino Outdoors! And he’s in a short video! So cool!

This is a website dedicated to “proving” The Beatles never existed. Your conspiracy theories look boring compared to this. Via TheFutureHeart

Scrapbook: Sunday Self Portrait. With bonus Zorro.

Scrapbook: New Umbrella. Some of my favorite photos of all time.

Follow Friday: Cousin Photos. I’ve turned into my mother.

Best of 2011: Thrifty Living. What a great year.

Christmas Cards 2011. I’m sending three this year.

Thrift Store Gore: Christmas Santa. Grinch reindeer is my fave.

Thrift Store Score: Christmas Finds. Gores and scores, really.

Snapshot 12.20.11. I once got a spam comment left by “A Puppy.”

Snapshot 12.10.14

9 Dec

–Something happened when I went from one to two kids. I instantly turned into Mother Hubbard. I know it’s only two, and people with three or more kids are probably laughing and rolling their eye, but I absolutely feel like zomg I have so many kids now. So! Many! Kids! They are crawling everywhere, eating all my food, forcing me to live in a woman’s size 10 slouch-boot! I understand the Mother Hubbard rhyme on a primal level now. Sometimes at night I’ll just lie on the floor and let Isobel and Elias crawl all over me. Unprompted, and without sharing my feelings on the matter, Isobel sometimes sings a song she invented called, and I am not making this up, You Have Children Everywhere. The good mother and I do not know what to do, and like Isobel’s song, I’m making it up as I go along.

–I was asked by Joel to participate in this year’s #Tweet4Meat, which benefits one of my favorite charitable organizations, Heifer International. HI gives those in impoverished areas the means to feed their families support themselves through agriculture and livestock. It’s an amazing solution because for what is considered relatively small amount for us can mean the difference between life and starvation to others. I urge you to donate whatever amount you can and to spread the link through your personal social media network. Add the hashtag #Tweet4Meet to get others involved.

— We’ve been indulging in some of our favorite holiday traditions with our friends and partners in holiday crime the Waltons. Last Friday we joined what felt like our entire community at the Christmas parade and it’s the first year I wasn’t so cold I wanted to cry. This was because it was raining. We had our usual stack of giant coats and blankets in addition to umbrellas, which Kingston and Isobel naturally refused in favor of running around and acting all crazy. There were noticeably more people and less tractors in the parade this year. The Turlock Horseman’s Club float rolled by and again, I didn’t see one centaur (an utter disappointment) but at least some of the floats actually passed out candy this year. One day they didn’t and we thought Isobel and Kingston might riot because candy canes were promised. We ended up giving them candy canes afterwards and I am almost positive one of us made a special trip to the store at 9 ‘o-clock at night for them. I dressed Elias warmly since previous years have been so cold, and he was in long john-style jim jams under the fluffy bear outfit I squeezed him into. He sat warmly in my lap under a wave of ever-shifting blankets. After the parade we met up at our house and the big kids decorated a gingerbread house. Sometime after that the Waltons left and we all fell asleep on the floor watching a movie.

–You might remember that we don’t do Santa. We have presents under the tree, talk about him and tell the stories and all that, but Isobel knows it’s a game that’s fun to play and a story that’s fun to tell.

— Elias is in that stage where it is extremely difficult to watch him and get anything else done. He is constantly searching out the most efficient ways to harm himself, and on occasion, others.

–My Mom had to put her cat George down last week. For longer than I’ve been alive she’s been rescuing, rehabbing, and re-homing cats and kittens. Some of them never get adopted and become permanent residents. She loves each and every one. She can’t help it. She’s also rescued turtles, dogs, a bunny, and even a few exotic birds. She’s gone through losing pets dozens of times and just keeps going. Her heart should be covered in scar tissue but it only grows larger and more capable of love.

Follow Friday: Bounce House Buddies. Read and get happy.

Winter Holiday Links. Recipes, thrifty stocking stuffer ideas, thrifted holiday decor inspiration, crafts and pretty pictures.

Snapshot 12.03.14. TWO PAIRS OF PANTS

Little Big Collection: Vintage Ornaments. I want all these.

Follow Friday: Christmas is Coming. My love letter to the internet.

NSFW Holiday decorations. Dammit, Walgreens!

Review: Everyone Is Mad At Me. I wonder why?

I can’t believe they stole my My Little Pony name. Cool name, bro.

Christmas shopping done! Lucky.

You may have heard that beloved twitter friend to many, Tianna of Mortimersgerbil, lost her husband on the eve of his 36th birthday. If you can help, please do, and do something nice for a family who is devastated this holiday season.

Knit your own Cthulhuclava!  I, for one, accept our warm new overloards.

Make it so, make it so, make it so. The holidays are here. Shut up, Wesley. Via Stefanie

Twitter philosophy. Agree strongly. Via  

Powerful #Blacklivesmatter sign. Also, this cartoon.

The hardest letter to learn.

Already trying on next year’s costume. Best pet costume ever.

Wait for iiiit.

Someone made this awesome Cthulhu Xmas Wreath. In related news, they were devoured by squamous horrors.

Amazing Harry Potter book redesigns. They glow! Via 

9 Things I wish people knew about anxiety. I’d like to make this into a newsletter and mail it to everyone I know or come into contact with. Thanks, 

Me, when I enter a Captcha. I fail those so often I think I might be a Cylon.

Kirk Cameron’s “Saving Christmas” voted the worst movie of all time. I hope it’s at least delightfully riffable. Kirk Cameron is an egotistical Christ-splainer. Via Suebob

Best part about this Yanni concert is the audience.

Bob Dylan’s Christmas Polka ends in a fight. Very entertaining!

Can you hold my fruit basket while I stuff your brother into my backpack? Thanks. Krampus, you rascal!

Instead of a nativity scene

The Second Coming. The Macho Man.

Soak up Bill Corbett’s weird version of Christmas.

School libraries are essential. As a former school librarian, I heartily agree!

Great band name. Almost a Modest Mouse album.

Scrapbook: God Jul. Ghosts of Christmas past.

Follow Friday: Shopping for Glasses. My love letter to the internet.

Thrifty Giving: Christmas Presents 2012.

Scrapbook: Holiday Card 2013.  Wishing you joy.

Snapshot 12.26.12. Tinsel in my hair, glitter in my bra, and a slight holiday hangover.

Thrift Store Score: Vintage Holiday Advent Calendar. How perfect is this calendar?


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