FF Rainbow Revelry

To celebrate the Supreme Court’s ruling granting the basic human right of marriage to all, I’m filling this FF post with rainbows. Have a great weekend!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Cheeseboy22  My favorite part of teaching are those “light bulb moments.” That’s when a loose light bulbs falls and scares the crap out of the kids.

ourcitylights  Ah, yes. When the cashier hands you your change and you think he’s fist bumping you. Yes, that. Never going back to that Target again.

morninggloria  For a maxi dress, this outfit absorbs surprisingly little blood

ElleOhHell  Fuck kill, marry fuck, kill marry.

iboudreau  Guys I just found a salsa recipe on the New York Times website and there’s Cheerios in it

onenjen  Ro was making soap in a sweaty basement today. First rule of summer day camp? You don’t talk about summer day camp.

Cheeseboy22  I just found a seed in my seedless watermelon. Life finds a way!

twelveyearsold  it’s July already and I’m STILL smearing poo all over my cheques!!!

Joerobinow  I wonder if teachers feel awkward seeing themselves outside of school.

JustinGuarini  You’ve got that certain something special I’d like to avoid.

madcaplaughs30  I can’t believe I’m going to see an actual parade in two days. Not sure what to expect. Do I join the parade? Am I allowed to swear?

albinwonderland  a little girl just asked if I turn into a mermaid when I go into the water. I saw no reason to lie to her so I said yes

MikeCanRant  Yeah I know all about politics. Talk about em all the time. So much I refer to them simply as ‘tics. Nobody knows what Im talking about.

amydillon  I feel so blessed to live in a time when I can witness two kids in Target fighting over who gets to talk to Siri.

joshgondelman  “There is no way you won’t want a donut in two hours,” I thought correctly, two hours ago when I bought this donut.

officialbuup  i can’t wait to get home and frighten my cats by being way too enthusiastic about seeing them.

mocoddle  I just called my gynecologist a ladybutt doctor because I’m a 12-year-old boy.

daviddeweil  A squirrel is peering at me through my office window. I’m gonna die right? This is what it’s like before your life is taken?

drewmagary  He’s Batman! He’s RoboCop! HE IS BROBOCOP.

studiesincrap

  • “DM me”
  • “Okay. You are in a corridor of rough-hewn stone. Something skitters at the edge of your torchlight. There’s a door to your right.”

Brocklesnitch  how do i explain heterosexuals to my children

vladchoc  Invention: Music that when played backwards ejects a constant stream of real ghosts from your speakers to challenge your religious beliefs.

jenniferdaniel  I found not one but two fitbit chargers which is like finding not one but two four leaf clovers so basically nothing can go wrong today.

VaguelyFunnyDan  Sarah Connor? I’ve been sent from the future to save you & tell you about the amazing lease deals on the 2043 Passat.

kerihw  Shumbody should shtop Jim Carrey! This is both a humorous take on current affairs and a call to action.

kungfupussy  #OH: I had a very slow conversation with the ghost of Ronald Reagan.

JoeBerkowitz I feel like if you make an indestructible robot and name it “The Terminator” you’ll be at least a little proud when it inevitably kills you.

Jackclemens1  Turning on “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” but tbh ‘somebody’ means fritos.

botandy  all that can eat you buffet turns out to not be a typo

happierman  If Mike were really magic, he would have a long white beard and a cloak and a staff. This movie is not realistic at all.

kevinseccia  Remembered I had a half a bagel in the fridge and dropped to my knees like Tim Robbins in the rain at the end of Shawshank.

tehawesome  “Neighborhood Watch,” huh? does that mean you all have to share it

LizHackett  By all means put your toddler on the phone. The advice he gave me on our last chat saved my marriage.

daniel_barker  FACT: 68% of British people need to comment on the weather during sex in order to achieve orgasm.

darth  going to miss that giant inflatable trump balloon at the Macy’s parade tbh

Lubchansky  happy canada day to The Kids in the Hall ONLY

sarcasticvoice  .@exlibris my brand is “relentlessly eating nachos in front of beautiful people.”

BuckyIsotope  I like country music “Really? Like what?” *begins playing vicious death metal* Mostly Norway, a little Finland

rstevens  A truck with a sticker of Guy Fieri peeing on Flavor

ksheely  RT if you’ve ever kept a folder of MIDI covers

Cheeseboy22  BREAKING NEWS FROM YELLOWSTONE: Old Faithful caught cheating on his wife!

knottyyarn  I’ve developed an affinity for drinking smoothies right out of the blender jar like a gross jock DO NOT SEND HELP IT’S GLORIOUS

robfee  The truest detective was the cop on Home Alone that heard Kevin had been abandoned, knocked twice & said “Tell her to count her kids again.”

mothra04  If I was a Voltron pilot I’d really not want to be in the blue lion. If that thing stalled while underwater, no thanks. It’s been on my mind

knottyyarn  Man looks me up and down: “You are one colorful bitch!” GAME OVER, I found my life partner

DancesWithTamis  What if you called the police for something serious like a robbery and Sting showed up, sang “eeeooo” a few times and then just left?

PrimeTrim  I can’t believe California is making me vaccinate my kid. BEING A SELFISH, MISGUIDED DOOF WHO’S SCARED OF SCIENCE IS MY AMERICAN RIGHT!

CalmTomb  Oh, Americans need to eat healthier? Pretty strong words coming from the MAYO Clinic.

goldengateblond  So You Think You Can Be President

MissDahlELama  Man, autocorrect really gets off on lulling you into a false sense of security at your most vulnerable, doesn’t it.

SuperRandomish  Dear bird singing outside my window at 12:30am, I understand. I tweet after midnight too.

BlindChow  [thoughts as waiters clap & sing birthday song to customer] CUSTOMER: please kill me OTHER PATRONS: please kill me WAITERS: please kill me

Brocklesnitch  anyone who says teenage girls are dramatic have not read the responses to the marriage equality ruling by old conservative guys

RandomAntics  In a pic a good angle can take off 20 lbs, a good filter maybe 10 yrs. Presumably under ideal conditions I can negate my entire existence.

RiverClegg  Competitive cyclists should be required to have little tassels on their handlebars. I’ve thought about this a lot and there is no downside.

RickAaron  Why is it called OSHA instead of NSFW?

BeTheBoy  DJ Free Butt Stuff – nobody use this name. I called it.

lauracope  i’ll finish this essay as soon as i run out of internet

XplodingUnicorn  [in church] Me: Do you understand what the priest is saying? 5-year-old: We should go. I’m out of Cheez-Its.

jessokfine  I retweeted a ruinedpicnic tweet about hard poops and now all my promoted tweets are for enemas.

rstevens  The B-52s are going to make a lot of money off Love Shack this summer, you mark my words

JermHimselfish  Oh cool now there’s twice as many people that don’t wanna marry me

AaronWill13ms  I love when I’m in public and someone recognizes me from work, but they don’t know my name so they just yell, “Hey Library!”

stevetweeters  I don’t care if it’s “just a baby”, it gets the firm handshake just like everybody else.

ReticentTurnip  Technology Form Factors – Personal computer – Smart phone – Tablet – Smart loaf – Wearable slab – Ear prong – Flip car – Breakout glob – Zib

AaronMesh A lot of hippies across America getting asked things for the first time in years

aliterative  Marriage used to be so simple. You’d meet a man, buy his daughter; make awkward conversation til she died in childbirth. What went wrong?

gf3  i like good looking people. if you are bad at looking at things then we cannot be friends, i’m sorry

catherinebray  Locked self out, bought self cake as cheer up treat. Now paranoid it was a Freudian locking out incident engineered by id to procure cake.

ImAmandaNelson  Atticus is wandering around the house poking himself in the cheek going “why are cheeks mushy why are cheeks mushy” so that’s my day

jdekz  Headline: “Justice Scalia accidentally publishes ranting angry LiveJournal entry as dissenting legal opinion.”

KalvinMacleod  BANK MANAGER: Sign here SQUID: *squirts ink everywhere* BM: and here SQUID: *squirts ink everywhere* BM: and here SQUID: Imma need a minute.

DanGurewitch  A victory for Duh in the landmark case of “Ugh v. Duh”

robertflorence  It’s a bad week to be a confederate-flag wearing homophobe who wanted to play Arkham Knight on PC.

gaywonk  SUPREME COURT RULES IT’S NO LONGER FUNNY FOR ME TO RUIN STRAIGHT WEDDINGS BY GETTING DRUNK AND YELLING “MUST BE NICE. I WOULDN’T KNOW.”

TheMattDWilson  Scalia breathlessly running into every wedding from now on during the “if anyone here objects” portion

hazelmotes1  Girl, I can read you like a book. Specifically, I can read you like Ulysses, by James Joyce. I only got to page 2.

jerryRenek  I hate to stereotype but all the serial killers in my neighborhood are really creepy.

CourtneyBale  [after every jeopardy response] Pfft THIS idiot. Doesn’t even know what a crow is. He literally LINDA HE LITERALLY JUST ASKED WHAT IS A CROW

radtoria  Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

pourmecoffee  “Grandpa, what’d you do in Congress?” “Voted against Obamacare a million times and named things for Reagan.” *writes essay about Grandma*

amutepiggy i put my pants on like everybody else: while frantically deleting my browser history

Chumpstring  If you’re gonna walk in on me masturbating, at least have the decency to sing along.

UniqueDude2  do not go gentle into that good night. make a big fuss. be a real jerk off about it

tricycle_champ  [god making chimps] GOD: shrink a gorilla & make it smart ANGEL: Ok. And what sound should it make? G: literally just have it fucking scream

fro_vo  Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

OfficeofSteve  Jesus had two dads and he turned out pretty great

trumpetcake  Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

sageboggs  You buried someone in the wrong spot? Now that’s what I call …a grave mistake

pixelatedboat  The in-flight safety video was oddly insistent about not opening the hatch marked “Goblin Portal”

ChrisScarlette  And then Jesus performed an unbelievable miracle.. “No way…” I said skeptically… He then faintly whispered: “Yahweh.”

lanyardigan  “But I don’t want to kiss,” says Scalia. “Sorry, we have to now,” says Alito. “It’s the law.” They embrace.

chickenscottpie  So sorry to everyone whose opposite-sex marriages are now dissolved. Hopefully you’ll like the same-sex spouse the government assigns you.

SirEviscerate  Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928″.

joshgreenman  GAY PEOPLE ARE DANCING IN THE STREETS WITH TOTAL DISREGARD FOR WHETHER THEY SLIP AND FALL BECAUSE OBAMA MADE THEM BUY HEALTH INSURANCE

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

FF Family Portraits

Today’s post features our family portraits. This was obviously a while ago; we’re due for some new ones. Have a great weekend!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

vornietom  I wish I was a little bit taller I wish I was a baller Wish my mom was in the same time zone so I could call her

rstevens  Brokeback Mountain Dew would be a really romantic movie about gamers

BillCorbett Haven’t seen BALLERS but I assume it’s about a bunch of guys with freakishly, painfully big testicles that prevent them from moving?

HavanaTed  To some people the ConfederateFlag represents racism. To others it simply honors the south’s tradition of racism. Let’s respect both sides.

iinkedZombie  [playing catch with the baby]

5: this is awesome daddy!

Me: I know

Wife: *walks into kid’s room* “OMG STOP THROWING THE BABY”

asterios  THINGS I’D RATHER SEE CALVIN PEEING ON

  • -Bad Guy From Timecop
  • -A Just-Awoke Donald Trump
  • -Exposure-only jobs
  • -Flipper’s Grave (not sure why)

markleggett Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Now he’s addicted to cod, the “gateway fish”, and you can start selling him harder sea creatures.

donni  Hey, remember when you were President? (This is mainly for former Presidents)

christinelove  The Best Revenge Is Living Well But The Second Best Revenge Is Trapping You In A Crystal Prison Forever And They’re Not Mutually Exclusive

DancesWithTamis  [comes out of bathroom riding a Segway] so I gave it some thought while taking a crap and I’m definitely getting a tattoo of a Birkenstock

SirEviscerate Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun. *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

MikeCanRant  Actually, Stanley isn’t the cups name, but the scientist who created the cup

7_Cents  Walruses? Walri? Walrus? Anyway…They’ve escaped.

Mardcon  @Gingerhazing Instead of cloning Dinosaurs, they clone Jeff Goldblum and just have a whole park of Goldblums. Chriss Prat trains Goldblums.

Gingerhazing  the dinosaurs establish their own republic and live in peace with humans as their equals. the franchise segues into being Dinotopia

tomatosurprises  YOU ARE A NOVEL CONGLOMERATION OF ATOMIC PARTICLES THAT WILL NOT SEE OR BE SEEN IN THIS UNPARALLELED ARRANGEMENT EVER AGAIN or: yolo

with a marshmallow yell / she cried “S’more, s’more, s’more.”

CNNyourmom  This Cat Does Not Seem To Be Enjoying Your Mom

Smethanie  Sometimes I think everything in the world is awful and other times, my 7-year-old informs me Emily Dickinson’s name has a bad word in it.

rstevens  The Adventures of Wolverine and His Less Pointy Friends

Mobute  DON LEMON: [holding reins of horse wearing a Queen Elizabeth neck ruff as it poops on floor mosaic of the hamburglar] Does this offend you?

bumlaser  Dog: “I need to go out!” “You just did.” Dog: “For a wee, yes. Now I need a poo. “Why not do both in one trip?” Dog: “It’s complicated.”

jzellis  Can someone please make Confederate flag toilet paper?

Walldo  Caller on the air in Chicago describes severe weather as like “a blast from Howard Stern’s asshole”

SirEviscerate  A monstrously deformed 5th ninja turtle approaches. “What are you doing out of your cage, Picasso?” says Splinter. Then he sees the gun.

Elizasoul80  [Creating window blinds] “Let’s make them so hard to clean that people just buy new ones instead.”

joshgondelman  Legit can’t believe Mark Wahlberg’s new movie isn’t called, “2 Ted, 2 Furriest.”

xeni  I was a punk teen in the South. Confederate flag loving racist whites would say “south’s gonna do it again” we loved to reply “what, lose?”

BeTheBoy  Someone just told me: “nobody on their deathbed ever said ‘I wished I worked more.” I’m worried by how many deaths this person witnesses.

adamjohnsonNYC  i find it strange the same people who are constantly telling black ppl to “get over slavery” are still pissed they lost a war a 150 yrs ago.

Mobute  DON LEMON: Is DMT really the ‘spirit molecule’? DISTORTED SPEAKER VOICE: Sir, this is the Arby’s drive-thru.

linanneblack  Shout out to the shipping company that wrote ANIMAL PRINT BRA beside my name on the outside of the package that my neighbour just handed me.

thejessbess  “More like ‘don’t drink and clive’,” I mutter as I’m arrested for drunkenly harassing Clive Owen again.

Tw1tter_K1tten  No thanks “Extra Volume” shampoo, I have kids for that.

Dawn_M_  Women don’t spend their time together discussing men, we are too busy casting spells.

slackmistress  “So, you want to watch COLOMBO in the bedroom?” – me to @BeTheBoy, keepin’ marriage sexy

pourmecoffee  “Grandpa, what’d you do in Congress?” “Voted against Obamacare a million times and named things for Reagan.” *writes essay about Grandma*

amutepiggy  i put my pants on like everybody else: while frantically deleting my browser history

XplodingUnicorn :

  • Me: What should we do for our next vacation?
  • 3-year-old: Ride an elevator!
  • Me:
  • 3-year-old:
  • Me: I’ll have to check the budget.

JohnDingell  If the Supreme Court had ruled the opposite way, Republicans would have been the dog that caught the car. They should be glad it was upheld.

saladinahmed  Unless the new movie is about Spider-Man having to fight zombie versions of every other actor that played Spider-Man, count me out.

MrObviousGuy  I wrote a haiku for conservatives who wanted #SCOTUS to rule against #Obamacare:

  • HA HA HA HA HA
  • HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
  • HA HA HA HA HA

usedwigs  Perfect day to jet ski with my coven.

LOLGOP  BREAKING: Supreme Court rules Republicans can’t just make up some bullshit to take your insurance away.

sad_tree  I’ve been told by police that suggestively winking at my neighbors dog isn’t illegal but if I keep doing it they’re gonna arrest me anyway

LouisPeitzman  [changes Grindr profile to “I have AC”] [phone explodes with messages]

Karate_Horse  tbh I thought it said saloon but I couldn’t be happier with these highlights, debra, thank you

hippieswordfish  [intervention] FRIEND: we want to see you get over your addiction to limboing ME: ok but what if instead of getting over it, i go…under it

TheCatWhisprer  One day I hope my life is even half as exciting as my upstairs neighbor’s sounds.

EldritchGirl  ALL THE DINOSAURS ARE GIRLS THAT’S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF THE FIRST MOVIE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST HASBRO

trumpetcake Got cranky glamping so I hid one of Richard’s vases.

Cheeseboy22  I’ve found that a hotel hot tub is the best place to show strangers my super long nipple hair.

ScrewyDecimal  “If I’m going to die, at least I’m going to die with my favorite books” – kid who thought he was going to get stuck in the library elevator

brocketxyz  “Dad bod” will not last the summer. Anyone who’s seen me sweat in a t-shirt knows why.

SomeChrisTweets  Whoa, who died and made you with stardust?

kerihw  wish pornhub had a category called “captain janeway”

fuzzytypewriter “Stop living…with hair loss, that is!” Might’ve asked for second take, Hair Club.

IjeomaOluo  7yr old runs off. 13yr old starts singing Me: I just want to have a nice breakfast w my kids. 13yr old: How bout a creepy breakfast w 1 kid?

wordlust  So slavery alone wasn’t enough to convince everyone the Confederate flag was awful? Okey-dokey.

trumpetcake  PEANUTS CIMOC IDUH #80: (NEW CARACTUR) CRELSON TELL CHAS. BROWN THAT HE THINK PIANO BOY (CHODER?) SHUD TRY FOOTBAL KICK. SNOPPY CHOKE LANUS.

LizHackett  I wish I had friends who emailed me as much as Ann Taylor does.

AndrewWK  PARTY TIP: Never cheat on someone you love and always wash your hands after using the bathroom.

MassageByTed  [in HR director’s office again] No, actually I don’t see how a document entitled “Top 10 Workplace Bowel Movements” isn’t work-related.

jessokfine  I yawned right as I drove through a cloud of skunk stink, so my day is ruined.

audipenny  Good icebreakers:

  • -so do you like ships or what
  • -hey. HEY. you ever seen a fat ice ghost, idiot
  • -how many legs do you have. Is it 2

audipenny  More Icebreakers:

  • -Are you into fat coughing scarecrows
  • -do legs have moms, or no
  • -you alive?? What’s going on in your head, date boy

radtoria  Isn’t it sad how the people closest to you have no idea how much you hurt inside or how you have 12 Billy Joel stations on Pandora?

DerekActual  omg it’s bedtime and I’m so happy. 10 year old me would disown me.

joryjohn  Somebody takes out a phone. If you take out your phone, turn to page 64. If you try not to take out your phone but fail, turn to page 182.

EmilyHenryWrite  for the first time in my life I own a box of cookie crisp & I’m not asking for a trophy or anything but only bc the cookie crisp is enough.

audipenny  [god, creating platypuses] I’m feeling sad today. Put a duck head on literally anything, nothing matters

ruthbrarian  Not confusing: bisexuality. Confusing: Whether this bimonthly publication comes 6 times or 24 times a year.

thenatewolf  There is more than one dinosaur museum I want to go to. That’s where I’m at.

tehawesome  tears are just see salt

Fauxedo  If I ever ask you for “noodz” I am def looking for spaghetti.

pilotbacon  my favorite thing about going to punk shows as an adult is spending the entire time thinking about how my crockpot beef stew is going

comicsreporter  confederate flag debates take me back to intense late night dorm discussions where i wondered why the hell we were even talking about this

JosephScrimshaw  Spider-Man,

Spider-Man

Does whatever a spider can

Does it again

Then again

And again

Also again

Jesus Christ! Here comes more Spider-Man!!

joshgondelman  “We’ll seat you when your party is complete.” I DON’T NEED ANYONE ELSE TO MAKE ME WHOLE! “Sir, please leave.”

dagnificent  For all the nutrition it provides, I say “Bravocado!”

PaperWash  [finds an iPod with clues to a murder on it] OMG! [deletes the clues to make room for more music and selfies]

sbellelauren  been trying to figure out why i feel so calm then i realized i haven’t watched cnn in 4 days

TheThomason  Fantastic Sam’s is Marvel and Supercuts is obviously DC.

audipenny  [trying to park my car but accidentally driving it into a pit of space snakes] No not again

VaguelyFunnyDan  Everyone in this aisle at Trader Joe’s just started singing along to “Livin’ on a Prayer” & for a moment we forgot we’re all slowly dying.

donni  Only you can prevent yourself from setting forest fires

Little Big's Tweet of the Week

loather  Watched a child get dragged out of the admin building shrieking and crying, no doubt desperate to participate in local government

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

 

 

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