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Follow Friday: Two

27 Mar


Have a great weekend!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a blog series I created a few years ago based on a Twitter meme.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!

joshgondelman  The only documentary I trust to be 100% accurate is a panda cam.

jennyvsjenny  sorry I hissed and spit flames at you but you interrupted my 10am sushi and kendrick lamar album party and startled me.

DangOlWill I’m MC Will and I’m here to say I make bad decisions in a major way

Goatmusk  Job description: whatever happens between stimulant crashes, trips to the bathroom, and snacking.

himissjulie this is a subtweet, with layers and layers of honey baked ham, juicy tomatoes, and thinly sliced red onion.

wordlust I feel sorry for people on cloud eight, the shithole of clouds.

rstevens  “Harry Crane” is Mad Men for “erection”

1followernodad  76% of being in a relationship is waiting for someone to watch a show.

povertyluxe “So, uh, do you wanna go eat some reeses eggs?” “i do hope you mean that literally!” – what its like to be the least romantic couple ever

mitdasein  Ricardo Montalban was lucky to get cast on Fantasy Island. A lot of people don’t want to hire an ex-Khan.

tsm560  Were it not for awkward ones, I’d have no social skills at all.

biorhythmist  Is that a corn dog in your pocket and if so name your price

johnmoe  What a weekend.

  • Friday 3/13 – murdered campers
  • Saturday 3/14 – ate pi(e)
  • Sunday 3/15 – murdered Julius Caesar

wordlust  I thought I’d be married with children by now, but I guess that old gypsy woman was just trying to scare me.

mitdasein  I’m trying to destroy this Microsoft tablet, but I’ve barely scratched the Surface.

Gingerhazing  Suggestions for new Nike slogans:

  • “We exist”
  • “Shoes?”
  • “It’s pretty good”
  • “You can use them to walk or run”

2tickytacky My day is spent avoiding all potential places I could lay down.


  • DOC: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?
  • ME: Can’t say I do
  • DOC: That’s one of the symptoms, yes.

JElvisWeinstein  It’s a good thing I’m married, I just tried to swipe the mirror left.

HMittelmark  Approaching the previously only hypothetical “Twee Limit,” when an entire culture becomes too precious to survive.

mattsurely  *wakes up right around the same time some people have already completed an entire marathon*

VaguelyFunnyDan  It’s hard being a famous pamphlet writer. Everyone in my life is afraid they’re gonna turn up as a character in one of my pamphlets.

shariv67  What idiot called it a centaur and not a halfway horse?

bruce_arthur  Between the Pope talking about his own hypothetical assassination and Putin’s strange disappearance, the world feels like an Archer episode

WhirledRecord  I save almost $1 on my grocery bill by buying Grade C eggs.

cloudypianos  my drafts folder is a list of complaints

shariv67  The best things in life are free, like when a squirrel steals a kid’s popcorn and they both go fucking nuts.

LeVostreGC  Brutus, Cassius, and Caesar walke ynto a bar. “We will have thre martinis,” sayeth Caesar. Cassius doth whisper to the bartender, “Two.”

donni  Model trains promote an unhealthy body image for young trains

usedwigs  My taste in walking shoes is fairly pedestrian.

missambear  I learned all about personal branding from my mom

BillCorbett  Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. But just a BIT more power than that makes you a good and awesome person.

loather  every dumb thing they make Michelle Obama do I like to imagine Bill Clinton doing too

boring_as_heck  I’m from the alternate universe where the “R” in Korn faces the right way. This universe confuses and angers me.

mitdasein MENSA sounds great if you want to socialize with people who are really proud of their scores on standardized tests.

donni  Baby animals up in the club looking cute as hell

torrami  A Bat Signal but instead of a bat it just says “TEXT ME BACK”

DCpierson  Anyone else feel like their potential therapist should knock a few bucks off ’cause they’re sure they’ll be a really engrossing patient?


  • I’d like to solve the puzzle
  • “Go ahead”
  • “It’s not”
  • Oh I’m afraid it is, Pat. I’m afraid it is
  • *takes off elbow pad*

bobvulfov COWORKER: any fun plans this weekend? ME: *cupping her face with my hands* carol that’s none of ur damn business

mjkspeaks  I can’t ever remember the answer to my secret question or what I did an hour ago.

joejwest  [restaurant] DATE: So where did you grow up? ME: [repeatedly opening & closing the velcro fastenings on my shoes] Be quiet I am Djing

PillarOfAsh  Dear Netflix, I am on vacation for the next 10 days. So let me save you the trouble. Yes, I am still watching.

donni  It’s like that old saying, “Badminton, bad problems”

sadmonsters My favorite thing about America is how we Weird-Al’d “God Save the Queen” into “My Country ‘Tis of Thee.”

ProBirdRights  how about a all bird re-rereboot of the all mens’s rereboot of the all womens’s Ghosbust reboot. I call it Gostbirdster II: the rebirdening

usedwigs  I said “hi” to a baby in Starbucks and the baby said “hi” back. Most fulfilling social interaction I had in months.

torgospizza Amazon is recommending me the Friends box set because it’s on sale. I THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME, AMAZON

sara_ashlynn  When I’m feeling down, I remember that there are farmers looking for women on the Internet.

jonnysun  if u watch a birthday party backwards, a bunch of people cheer as somebody regurgitates a cake and sets it on fire

joshgondelman  I just got offered an audition for “balding guy in casino commercial” if you’re wondering the kind of sadness my face projects to strangers.

LILYwootPics “I’m not afraid of death; I’ve made him so popular that he owes me one.” RIP, Terry Pratchett.

UNTRESOR  George R. R. Martin’s full name is George Rartin Rartin Martin.

papasuncle  Cashier: Your card is declined. Me: You sure it didn’t say reclined? Like it’s just relaxing for a bit? It does that. Try it again.

weird_jerk  ::removes glasses:: ladies & gentlemen of the jury, isn’t the real victim here common sense? No? Still those people I killed huh. Ah well

BillZoeker  Feed me like one of your hungry hippos

xoiliqpiliox  Who the heck came up with the original iPhone emojis? 80% of them are Japan or Japanese, but.. who was like, ‘Yo, we need a 100 in crayon.’

johnmoe  “Gonna take you right into your COMFORT ZONE! Only to your COMFORT ZONE! No further than! YOUR COMFORT ZONE!”- Kenny Loggins, “Comfort Zone”

benkobold  My dad’s got the most beautiful hair. *holds up bag of hair* See.

UniqueDude2  {takes off swim goggles} it’s called steam punk, your honor


  • [sees fly]
  • Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
  • [sees bird]


  • Bartender: What’ll ya have?
  • Cat: Shot of rum.
  • [Bartender pours it]
  • [Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
  • Cat: Another.


KeetPotato  sorry im 3 days late, this shirt has button cuffs


  • “Sorry. That’s taken.”
  • “Sorry. That’s taken, too.”
  • “Sorry. That’s take…”- Liam Neeson, trying to choose a password

DrGhostbaby  I just flew in from Mutation Island and boy are my arms legs.

dagnificent  there’s Mad: >:C and then there’s Klingon Mad: >>>>>>>:C

1followernodad  Top Movies Your Boyfriend Wants to Watch: -An Idiot Saves the President -Rich Boy Hero 4 -Silent Hero Journey Boy -Fight Fight Fight –Boats

AliciaHawkes  What we thought was our Fruitopia turned out to be a living fruitmare

Playing_Dad  *sees a spider* I’m going to kill him *turn around to get a shoe* *turns back around and spider has 8 shoes* Alright, let’s be cool here

janinebrito  Life’s like an episode of Chopped except your basket of ingredients is credit card bills, your insecurities, and a dream.

famouscrab  fool me once thats enough of times for fooling me and i dont really enjoy it. Thanks

dannnfriedmannn  i’m gwen’s brother, glen stefani, and there’s “no doubt” you’re gonna have a good time with me. please read the rest of my okcupid profile.

TheCatWhisprer  Calm down with the stationery, it’s an office email not a MySpace page.

joshgondelman  Trying to learn how to F* my own D**. *fake **death

ItsSuebob I hope my landlord’s cheapness buys him something in heaven.

boominonion  I’m in law school to fulfill my dream of becoming a butter lawyer. When I fail, I’ll say “I CAN believe I’m not a butter lawyer!”

maureenjohnson  Sitting in another doctor’s office this morning. He’s playing Dark Side of the Moon in its entirety. Today is asking me to consider reality.

BillCorbett The cool thing about the “Wait for it… wait for it…” bit is that it acknowledges everyone’s inherent love of waiting.

Jackclemens1  Rèsumè cover title: He’ll Flabber Your Gasts.

MrGeorgeWallace  Everyone should wear monocles. This country went to hell once folks stopped wearing monocles. Break your glasses in half y’all! Monocle time

animaldrumss  son, you don’t need to close your eyes, it’s just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you’re not watching it

NicestHippo  “Just be confident” is the best advice, right after “Fly like a bird” and “Make bread out of algebra”

SomeChrisTweets  Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry… for revenge.

Sickayduh  “I think you need to get a hobby” *pictures a baby Hobbit* BRING ME ALL THE HOBBIES

BillDixonish  Scientist say universe is on the brink of a Big Crunch, when all matter collapses in on itself and everything is destroyed, thankfully.

xceteras  Any dudes making fun of teenage girls who are sad about a boy band can’t say nothin next time a sports player leaves their fav team.

pete_schultz  Dear Liam Neeson, please rescue the models in American Apparel ads.

sbellelauren  i think we all know whose feelings have been hurt the most by one direction and that’s north west

Merman_Melville  Sorting Hat: “Marry!” [Kids at the Fuck and Kill tables boo]

TheDoeOrTheDeer  on the 8th day god created the cadbury mini egg

biorhythmist  I wish I could get a new job but my ass just won’t quit

skullmandible  student loan debt in this economy is like still paying for grain to feed a horse that died six years ago

Karate_Horse  right before he died, my dad handed me an obituary and said I want this read at the funeral. It was my obituary. He called me a nerd in it.

Meg9Time  My cats sometimes stare intently at each other across the room in what I interpret as their version of a rap battle.

loather  Sorry, I delete every BevMo! Email that isn’t titled “Feeling Too Sober?”

twoscooters  Dear Bioware: I would pay for DLC that made characters notice Shepard changed her hair between games

Reverend_Scott  “Why are bees going extinct, dad?” Well son, [desperately Googling] according to Mark Wahlberg in The Happening… you see, the plants, um

wilw  An “Actually” of pedants.

luckyshirt  If a Prius raced a landscaping truck, both would lose, time would move in reverse, and the dinosaurs would rule the earth once more.

NoToFeminism  i don’t need fimem i LOVE that my husband is bigger & stronger than me & can protect me & is hairy & has sharp claws oh god i married a bear

Super_Cynthia  The touch, the feel, the unraveling fabric of our lives

sannewman  My husband has his flaws, but at the end of the day, he’s a good content provider.

robwhisman  an anagram of “president ted cruz” is “i, turd scented prez.” just something to think about

matty_litwack  Oh, you don’t want to snake and bake? I thought you were cool, man. I don’t care if you have to go to work, let’s smoke this live cobra.

pizzabeertelly  i wonder what it’s like when your lead singer is like hey everyone let’s write a whole album about my ex wife

tweet of the week

LizHackett  I feel like I missed an amazing opportunity to make my wedding registry be only haunted dolls.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a blog series I created a few years ago based on a Twitter meme.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!


Follow Friday: Man at Work

23 Mar

Today’s post features photos of us visiting Anthony while at work, and Anthony’s boss hiring her on the spot after Isobel said, “Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?”

(Sorry for the lateness of the this post! Low energy and preparing for the out-of-town wedding caught up with me. Hope everyone had a great weekend.)

What is Follow Friday? It’s a blog series I created a few years ago based on a Twitter meme.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!

TheThomason  If we’re gonna let a Canadian run for President it should be Martin Short.

AlexBPArt  Are you a Hadoken or a Hadoken’t

vornietom  I’m voting for Ted Cruz because it’s my right as an AMERICAN to eat garbage right off the street and I don’t need the state telling me not t

skullmandible  9 Solar Eclipses That Left Our Pre-Verbal Ancestors Weeping and Terrified In The Brutish Blooming of the World

joshgondelman  If you drink some coffee on your way to meet someone for a morning coffee, you will be one coffee ahead and can convince them of anything.

slackmistress  It’s weird that people are still having kids when the Internet provides us with baby otters that won’t grow up to hate you.

MaraWritesStuff  Some sisters go to college and really get wild. My sister went to college and joined a Facebook group called “I love staying up late!”

audipenny  My first act as mayor is to make ALL of the city’s lizard population wear small bonnets

BillDixonish  For those of you who don’t know Ted Cruz, imagine a really really smart hamster or a regular Yorkshire terrier.

TorrensJonathan  Save your most boring friends in your phone as interesting celebrities so instead of getting a text from Scott you’ll get one from Ginuwine.

biorhythmist  A motion sensor on my tombstone that plays the ICQ “uh-oh” sound.

jordan_stratton  Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

deIuge  hot existentially troubled singles near you

Underchilde  I’m like if a motivational speaker gave up.

keplyq  time to stuff some rice pudding legs into my best jorts and terrorize the town

TheRedQueen  Last night my husband asked me if I packed a sweater. Bitch, you know I come correct. I packed two.

Cheeseboy22  I love to take my kids to the petting zoo to feed the animals, but unfortunately the goats never eat them.

mylittlebecky  My vibrator isn’t charged, so please stop whining about your stupid problems everyone.

MassageByTed  The name of every city in Florida upsets me

rstevens  Elves – Bullshit = Vulcans

loather  I did the most NorCal thing. When we landed I asked my seat mate if he was from up here or “down there.” He is from up here. Now we are bros

shariv67  Jesus died for your sins, you guys, so wear white after labor day. Flip off a bunch or birds. Shoplift a dildo. Get out there and go nuts.

slackmistress  Listen, I’m not judging that you’re not cosplaying as my dog, but why WOULDN’T you be cosplaying my dog?

briangaar  Life is like a game of Monopoly: if you’re good at it, the rest of your family will hate you

ProBirdRights  today I went to the doctors’s for i have came down with a case of the handsomes. they chase me out with a broom.

EmilyHenryWrite  Has anyone coined the term “momsplaining” or am I a genius

LaurelKS  Skinny will never feel as good as cheese tastes.

himissjulie  oh, hello, oil can light on my car’s dash, would you like some attention? WHO’S A CUTE LITTLE LIGHT YOU ARE oh smoke wth

SoVeryBritish “I might join you later” – Translation: I’m going home to lie down and eat biscuits until I fall asleep.

boominonion  OMGFact: Pinterest was invented by Ball Mason Jar™ when they were on the brink of bankruptcy.

LaurelKS  Stay creepy, Google.

ericsshadow  A group of dads is called “hurry up.”

biorhythmist  I just want to find someone who shares my love for making me orgasm

motrboatr  Happy Friday you disgusting excuses for human beings and Ashley Judd.

indefensible  “We don’t have a small pizza. We sell medium.”

“Is that the smallest?”


— And that’s why I’m in prison.


  • how did harry potter get down the hill?
  • walking
  • jk rowling

InEyeAleE  Racists are amazing. Smart enough to have all the answers to the race problem but don’t know how to upload a Twitter avi.

danforthfrance  Must…find…something on the Internet…to be…furious about

SufficientCharm  I prefer to call it “pumping gas” instead of “farting”.

WhatUpWithMike  meeting with my boss was truncated. i put him in the trunk of my car and ated him

theroneman  [sings “Sexual Healing” w/kazoo accompaniment at 3rd-grade talent show]

radtoria  Love means never having to say “Hi Maury.”

JerryThomas  Hey Science! It’s 2015. Lyme disease should come in other flavors by now.

vladchoc  Damn, girl. Are you SMB3 World 7-7, because I’m feeling a difficulty spike coming on in Pipe Land.

TheThomason  My other car is God’s fiery judgment.

rstevens  Career Tip: Do what scares you most. Especially if it involves carnivorous animals. I don’t need the competition.

shariv67  Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? I’m a lawyer, and I’ll get you the compensation you deserve.

kgardnr  Just for fun: Get hired as “Code Ninja”. Don’t show up the first day. When they say “We didn’t see you at the office today.” Say “Exactly.”

mitdasein  Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger but she’s been working an extensive claim in Alaska.

LIFECOACHERS  Setting the copier on fire and screaming “LATER, BITCHES!” while flipping middle fingers is a fun but inadvisable way to begin lunch break.

EmilyHenryWrite  Cosmo #flirtip: discreetly braid your hair into the hair of the man sitting next to you. when he tries to stand up, instant meet-cute!!!

dubouchet  Starting a new band called The Murderburps. I play lead burps.

palinode  That movie was 50 Shades of Great! AHHHAHAHAH yeahhh no didn’t actually see it.

trumpetcake  Mother’s wig doesn’t look quite as good on me, but someone has to carry on the legacy.

HelloCullen  i’ll bet coolio’s duaghter calls him cruelio

sbellelauren  i guess internet explorer finished exploring all of the internet

Fun_Beard  Kids say the darnedest things. My 4 year old just said she was going to “kill me with fire”!

InfiniteChicken  Human females have cloacas right? Working on a pitch to Hallmark.

Lilacmess  Someone called Ted Cruz a “shambling golem made up of bumper stickers.” Pretty much made my day

SpaghettiJesus  I like popcorn shrimp bc they’re shrimp which everyone loves but you also get to support the American farmer and corn subsidies.

HelloTheFuture  I have a little free time, so I think I’ll go to Starbucks and see if I can get a Shamrock Latte and an authentic discussion about racism

danforthfrance  Do you like suddenly going “FUCK!” in an empty room? Ask your doctor if Anxiety is right for you.

cloudypianos i like writing tweets bc i get depressing after 140 characters

JElvisWeinstein  A lot of elderly people make the mistake of not saying hip-hop phrases and being adorable.

saladinahmed  Welcome to Burger King — may I play Devil’s Advocate for a moment?

HutchingsJulie  Hear me out. Pop Rocks in coffee.

joniboloney I think pretty much all wildflowers are just weeds that made themselves look pretty so they wouldn’t die

WBKnoblock  Fraternities are just gangs for rich people.

Nate_T_Lopez  “Woman are too hormonal to work in this industry” – coworker who nearly cried when we wanted to change his Power Point. #SelfAwareness

ModernSauce  *sees meme on tumblr two days before it appears on Buzzfeed* Yep, still got it, Lacy! *pointy gun fingers at reflection in mirror*

himissjulie  Forget jetpacks, shouldn’t we have invented better bacon packaging by now?

HumanPog  what genius called them JNCOs instead of gene wilder


  • Me: I’m going to sleep
  • Brain: No
  • Me: Fine, I’ll stay up
  • Body: No

GingerAtLaw  Time to cover my naked body in shamrocks and get weird

MagpieLibrarian Child who typically recalls my name as Ignite today called me Ignore.


  • Txt from wife: where r u
  • Me:kitchen Wife:can u feed cat
  • M: I mean garage
  • W:bring in laundry
  • M:bathroom
  • W:clean toilet
  • M: Idaho
  • W:get potatoes

marlespo  I’d like to talk to you about seasonal allergies, so please sit down. Ok now roll over & cry. Hard. Ok thanks, good talk guys. Good talk.

joshgondelman I’ve got a writing assignment, and I’ll be in an apartment with no internet or TV. This is really going to test my procrastination skills.

joshgondelman  If I were Dorian Gray, I’d have kept that creepy, changing portrait up in my living room and freaked out all my friends.

cloudypianos  the secret to a quality nature documentary is thrash metal

msdanifernandez  Justin Bieber bragged about getting into Selena’s pants. Honestly they look much better on him anyways.

vornietom  90% of my anxiety about moving is knowing that I’ll have to learn how to work a new shower

fart this baby is named Capen what the fuck. you guys ruined this baby

introvertedwife  I’m about 86% sure my dog could become an assassin if she got a treat at the end.

tweet of the week

shariv67  Don’t hate the player. Hate the pan flute.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a blog series I created a few years ago based on a Twitter meme.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!


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