Follow Friday: Roses

Have a great weekend!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

annetdonahue  Maybe Liam Neeson threatens to use his special set of skills because everyone keeps insisting on speaking to him over the phone.

badbanana  Jurassic World prediction: Chris Pratt says “HOLD ON TO JUR-ASSES!” at least seven times.

trumpetcake  Was told I could not wear my “saggy leather pants” into JARED® but the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even wearing pants.

CornOnTheGoblin  Lets talk about fish baby Lets talk about anchovies Lets talk about marlins, mackerels, tuna, bass mouths carp, jelly Lets talk about fish

StacyRumaker To the sign spinner pretending it’s a guitar: you are a delight.

wonderella  Hope Dawn of Justice will finally give us Batman’s origin story

MrsFridayNext  My Favorite Pen is MISSING and I Have to Take Action Items at This Staff Meeting: A Tragedy in Three Acts.

realalanstanwyk  Things have been going a lot better since I started holding up signs with emojis on them during therapy.

BridgetCallahan  Letterman’s Last Top Ten: the 10 Commandments, and he reads them aloud in Babylonian.

audipenny  Every time 2 guys in a backwards hats high five, The Lord cries out a whole American flag from His eyes

sbellelauren  great thanks for spoiling letterman for everyone on the west coast now we know he quits ugh

Are_Kelly  What idiot called it a circle jerk instead of a Sir Cum…ference

NicestHippo  When it comes to dating I play hard to like

BtotheD  I guess I really just want to do something important with my life so I have a reason to write a memoir and title it, “Memoir and Peace.”

trumpetcake  Spider-Man laid eggs in my ear. :(

behindyourback  I just want/Anybody else/When I think about you/I hate myself

Fauxedo  If I ever went on Antiques Roadshow I would bring a jewelry box or something and hide a turd in it and then wait

MagpieLibrarian  I’m not your GRANDMA’S LIBRARIAN lulz bc she’s probably dead s

xzqx  I am full of can’t!

InternetEh   “FDR’s bones!” is a common expletive among Democrats

respected_loner  ma’am, your husband.. he– *takes off hat* he’s in this hat

HMittelmark  The Matrix, except the Machines live off our content.

vornietom  I’m a huge bibliophile (love to fuck books)

Elizasoul80  [Puts away one load of laundry] “Good lord, I’m dying.”

donni  People say “the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing!” like that’s a surprise. News flash, folks! Hands are dumb!

EconomyBeyonce  An app that reminds you that you ate a lot of beets yesterday and are not in fact dying out the butt.

joshgondelman  It’s amazing that I can type without looking at the keyboard, but I just spent five minutes chasing a lone pea around my plate with my fork.

Marlebean  Mocking Canada is my “favourite”.

SongsOfKat  A cat is my favorite white noise machine.

ProBirdRights  I will chase you Dortito. I will chase you from here to cornternity.

Dawn_M_  Just talked a wolf into buying a shirt with me howling on the front of it.

pleatedjeans  [holds up ring] Will you marry me? OMG YES [slips ring on finger] [she gains +2 intelligence and changes her mind]

Reverend_Scott  how to ask out a girl: 1. approach girl 2. wait slow down 3. um, u passed her 4. this is a vending machine 5. ok mini donuts are good too

aparnapkin  There should be a Smoky the Bear for not over-replacing hotel towels&linens. Im thinking Trashy the Pillow. Wine-stained & slightly off msg.

cloudypianos  him: it’s only twitter me: it’s only the darkest corners of my heart and soul exhibited to you without pretense him:… me: and jokes

TheCatWhisprer  Recruiters should really put less emphasis on words typed per minute and more on the ability to microwave popcorn without burning it.

wordlust  Always a peacock, never a pea.

okjonblair  “I’m not Mad, I’m Disappointed.” – Dad Max

BuckyIsotope  Cause the waiters gonna wait wait wait wait wait And the chefs are gonna plate plate plate plate plate Shake the salt shake the salt

FuckTyping  I like to use CoffeeMate™ products because it sounds like I want to fuck my coffee. Which I do.

heatherlou_  “IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

papasuncle  If you’re looking to blame someone for an earthquake, it’s probably San Andreas fault.

bombsfall  straight up killing work tonight rolling the body of work in plastic putting work in the trunk and driving out to a remote swamp dropping wo

runolgarun  crap, I googled “should I drink expired cough syrup” and now the NSA is gonna know I’m a high-functioning adult.

finchlynch  “There’s only two ways to do something: with your sunglasses forward-facing, or with your sunglasses backwards-facing.” – Sir Guy Fieri

Cheeseboy22 For every slice of cheese I cut for my sandwich, I eat a slice. I feel like this is what God wants me to do.

plasticdeer  What’s a good age to tell your children the universe is a giant projected hologram?

BuckyIsotope  [first date] Did you know you can fill your cargo shorts up with unlimited salad and breadsticks and they can’t stop you? My dad’s a lawyer.

annetdonahue  Also The Affair is a really great show and does a very good job of making me realize I am/always will be way too tired to have an affair.

CakeThrottle  The entrance to the Times Square Applebee’s should be a magic portal back to whatever state you’re visiting from

Karate_Horse  Date Advice: do not go on the date

BAKKOOONN  congrat to singer john legend on the birth of his three sons: monomyth creation legend, castlevania legend, and legend of the mystical ninja

fuzzytypewriter  Enjoying an ice cream sandwich but have to be really careful because my case makes my iPhone look like an additional ice cream sandwich.

JerryThomas Bouncy castles are a great place for children to get injured in a safe environment.

donni  Live fast, die young. Live slow, die old. Live however, die regardless

cloudypianos  “Hi, it’s Claudia with a C, and an I and a U” *winks maniacally*

onedumbshark  It was the *armpit fart* of times, it was the *overwrought groan* of times.

jordan_stratton  A moment of silence for all the children who have seriously injured themselves trying to replicate Kevin McCallister’s genius.

AtmanThakrar  Age 10: I will move to America and study law. Age 29: I better lick the salad dressing from my Tupperware so I don’t have to wash it.

ProfessorSnack How to catch hermit crabs: First, find a hermit…

OhNoSheTwitnt  Hi, you’ve reached my actual voice. Sorry I answered your call. Please leave a message after I hang up and send your next call to voicemail.

UncleDynamite  When a baby with a roaring cold sneezes into your eyes, that’s the day you realize how seriously you’ve offended God.

mylifesuckers  I listened to a workout video today. That counts, right?

mitdasein  I came here to chew bubblegum and fight narcolepsy, and I’m

EmVeeGreen  iPhone screen cracked. Continuing to use it until my fingerprints are shaved off is still preferable to taking 2 kids to the Apple Store

rstevens  If you think about it, Buzzfeed is just another word for flowers

KalvinMacleod  [stranded on a desert island with a beautiful woman] HER: It looks like it’s just the two of us ME: *holding up sock puppet* Don’t forget me

theawkwardful  Got a paper cut so deep it started reading poetry to me

edotwoods  Work medium. Play medium.

TweetsByTheTony  Sorry I keep getting fleek on everything.

SomeChrisTweets  Art can make you cry.Art can make you drive home from the museum in silence.Art can take the dog & block your number.Art I miss you so much.

weinerdog4life  We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and the moon, what the fuck is it doing?

SomeChrisTweets  When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

Ristolable  You never get over some things. But be cool. You can pretend you’re okay until you get to die.

KeetPotato  wife: [making weird face as she tries the cake i made] “it tastes funny” me: [nodding] “i put bees in it”

weinerdog4life  Back in my day we had to stick our dicks in regular flashlights

CackleClub Adulthood is reality’s inside joke

mattZillaaaa  If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m always here to find someone else for you to talk to

BenAshauer  Half of me wants to get rid of my beer gut. The other half of me is my beer gut.

jimmy_sharpe  Be the thing in the world you want to see in the world you want to see.

ProBirdRights  Automated doors do not open for me????? More like inconvenience store I SO CLOSE TO CHIPS BUT SO FAR AWAY

louisvirtel  If you put together all of Ann Coulter’s quotes, you get one average YouTube comment.

MrsTomServo  [phone tucked against shoulder] I didn’t forget how to ride a bike, MOM. It’s just my cape got *yanks* my cape got stuck in the chain.

WhatUpWithMike  wife did not enthusiastically applaud last night’s attempt to lullaby the baby by singing “the night is dark and full of terrors”.

TySmithdrums  When you’re sad imagine a baby otter using a stethoscope and it’s little hands to crack a safe.

saladinahmed  reports of a bearded man eating up his kids’ cocoa puffs while they’re at school totally unfounded

johnmoe  Pro tip: the uppermost part of a pro.

Spidey004  I found a penny and it really is true what they say, “Find a penny, pick it up, and all day you’ll have a filthy penny you don’t even want.”

sarcasmically  This isn’t a Waffle House, it’s a Waffle *Home*.

weinerdog4life I went to the gym today, just kidding I went to the park and yelled at birds

Tw1tter_K1tten  Stood in line at Walmart for so long today, they tried to take my health insurance away.

ProBirdRights  I found some butterfly now all I need is some biscuitfly and maybe a couple of jam beetle

Sickayduh  A rectal scan on a puppy is a colonAWWWscopy

omically  Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family. The perfect murder.

UnFitz  Sorry I couldn’t hear your cry for help over my louder and more panicky cry for help.

HyenaEars  The path of least resistance always has the most melted cheese.

weinerdog4life When you meet new people don’t tell them you’re not a robot, that sounds like something a robot would say

WheelTod “SHOW US YOUR TITS!!,” I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.

PleasantThinker  So does the Count from Sesame st. drink blood too? Is…Is that why they always have different kids on the show?!

abbycohenwl  *releases helium-filled heart balloon* Me: You’re free now. Balloon: Ima choke a bird.

Sickayduh “Detective, we’ve found what looks like an animal’s hind leg” /What makes you think that?/”It’s just a haunch”

Little Big's Tweet of the Week

jessokfine  A reverse mortgage is actually a sex thing.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Follow Friday: Al Fresco

Have a great weekend!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

trumpetcake   I did laser tag one time. It was a jumbled mess of lights, bodies and strange sounds, all while wearing a soiled vest. Similar to my 1st sex

nickelbot82  Knew a guy (Todd) who would refer to himself as Toddpole while swimming & to his credit he was good enough that I couldn’t catch & drown him

theyearofelan  An easy way to keep a positive attitude is to avoid all contact with other humans

vforrestal  keeping my eyebrows on point requires a level of vigilance that comes uncomfortably close to what might be viewed as mental illness.

Tw1tter_K1tten  Lady in the streets Freak at the cat shelter

dubouchet I’m off the toilet! And no, that’s not a declaration concerning my physical location, it’s a new hot urban phrase that means I’m awesome.

ryanbyrneman Denver, the last dinosaur, he’s my friend and so much more (fuck buddy)

theleanover  I’m still surprised ‘Frozen’ wasn’t about Walt Disney’s head.

beertocat  Great. Valet lost my rollerblades.

animaldrumss  [talking loudly on phone near a group of girls] Tony said he doesn’t want me to do any spins over 900°. makes him look bad. Yeah, Tony hawk.

markleggett  “BAD MOTHERPUGGER”: Rick (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) finds a big box of pug puppies, but instead of eating them for protein, he adopts them.

BPMbadassmama Once, my youngest walked toward me holding only a squirrel tail in her tiny hands. During the zombie apocolypse, my money is on her.

SleazySli  Still dreaming of the day when drones deliver delicious cookies directly into my mouth.

jessokfine  If you get to the end of my email and haven’t wondered, “why did she even send me this?” then I haven’t done my job.

asterios  In China, Guardians of the Galaxy was called “Interplanetary Unusual Attacking Team.” Dammit, they’re even better at movies than us.

TheThomason  Quick promo: I’m about to do an appearance at a local grocery store. Gonna walk around, buy some groceries, and leave. Hope you can make it!

OnlineAlison  Taken 4: Maybe he’s just not a good dad?

aligarchy  forward rolling into room corners like a Zelda OoT glitch and just hoping I too fall into oblivion LOL

petemandik  If you organize your snakes properly you can pet a whole buncha them at once.

mrpilkington  Favorite billboard while driving: It only said “Cheese Curds.” I could not argue.

NicestHippo  SON: I want to be an engineer ME (slaps him & wags finger in his face): You will be a cartoon animal on the internet like your father

HelloCullen  My sermons so tight they call me Homily Guy, the Mass-Murderer

TheRedQueen Thinking about joining the new planet fitness in town so I can not go to a different gym.

theleanover  “Do you want to clone a T-Rex? / Doesn’t have to be a T-Rex” – Jurassic Park: The Musical

OhNoSheTwitnt  Ann Coulter is what happens when your racist old relatives’ Facebook posts all merge together and become one sentient being.

MrsTomServo  Life imitates art, they say. For you, Dalí’s “The Great Masturbator” specifically.

caseytduncan  This is a little song called, “I Can’t Sing Or Play The Guitar.”

RiverClegg

  • -Good morning, fellow millennial!
  • -Greetings!
  • -Major corporations are unaware this is how we talk!
  • -Oh, the secrets we keep!
  • -Ta ta!

ceejoyner  Many are drawn to the online weapons-demo community not by a love of swords but a hatred of gourds and melons.

RealGabbyHayes  Reminder: Jeb Bush was the Governor of Florida “The Face-Eating State.”

TheCatWhisprer  A rescue shelter but for the people who have rescued too many animals.

ellekaypea And now I am reminded of the time my brilliant 90yr old aunt called the Butthole Surfers “Button Hole Surfers”. We did not correct her.

rubetime  My racing thoughts need sponsorships

  • I’m afraid to die -TIDE
  • There’s nothing to any of this? – PAPA JOHNS
  • I’ll die homeless – PALMOLIVE

aligarchy  these chips aren’t even that great but maybe by the time i get to the bottom of the bag i will feel differently

davedittell  LAMP FOR SALE: gold, antique, good patina, evil genie, functions like new, you will be killed, shiny, polished, be careful what you wish for

amydillon  Some things just get better with age, like wine, cheese, the song Rump Shaker

morninggloria  My hair is incredibly nostalgic for the mid 1980s

vornietom  Truly living my best life (just walked into a telephone pole whilst staring at my phone)

trumpetcake  A sprig of rosemary in your beard makes for fragrant hugging times.

rstevens  Spiders have jobs. Bees have careers.

TheThomason  David Lee Roth here, I know it’s the instrumental part of the song but I’d like to make some sounds to remind you I’m still around.

missambear  The gift of content. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Sometimes it should stop.

nihilist_arbys  This Monday, shoot your hunger in the face with a little Arbys!

Hurly_Burly  How can I phrase this? Oh wait, I know, badly.

TeaAndCopy  WIFE: I’ll be back in 2 days ME: Have fun! [2 mins] WIFE: I forgot my ke—OHMYGOD [I’m holding a conch…the kids feast on the dog’s remains]

yoyoha  “We had a good run. Followed by several mediocre then sad and pointless runs.” – American Idol

WilliamAder  Me: Table for 6. Waitress: It will be 40 minutes. Me: ::Looks over shoulder at my friends. Turns to waitress:: How long for just me?

VaguelyFunnyDan  Sad to announce that I’ve closed my StarWars themed noodle restaurant due to a copyright issue. I hope to re-open Soba Fett in September.

donni  Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

vladchoc  Instant noodles are fast. But you know what’s faster? Love, stepping just out of reach. *sniff* Also, *sob* Sonic the Hedgeho-ho-hog-gh.

walruslifestyle  one two three four I declare a tupper war

ryankresse

  • “I have a theory!”
  • “You have a rigorously tested, logically consistent explanation for a natural phenomenon?”
  • “I have a dumb idea!”
  • “Cool!”

TheRobCee  Best songs that order composers to do things: 1. Rock Me Amadeus 2. Roll Over Beethoven 3. Make Me a Sandwich Brahms 4. Eat a Dick Vivaldi

vornietom  *spends some time alone with my thoughts* oh wow, this is very bad

Longshanks1307  Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords seems increasingly appealing as a basis for a system of government.

JennyPentland  The best Mother’s Day gift to get is your period.

gregarioussniff  DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

weinerdog4life  According to WebMD I have wizard dick?

rmayemsinger  “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” are basically interchangeable unless you’re at a funeral.

AlexRogaski  [On Family Feud] “Name something you find at almost every garage sale” Cut the shit, Harvey. When do we get to fight the other family?

tarashoe  can’t wait til i’m a ghost and a dude with a tape recorder asks if there’s anything i’d like to communicate and i get to go “no thank you”

bobvulfov  [about to have sex] HER: mm im getting wet ME: *trying to be sexy* well then we should put u in a bag of rice

MaxGoldberg  I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really like adverbs.

somelightcrying  [bragging] I don’t even OWN a home.

mallelis  THE CYCLE:

  • MY BRAIN (morning): today we will be kind, and our empathy will not fail us-
  • MOUTH: LOOK AT ALL THE THINGS I CAN SAY
  • BRAIN: wait

sarahemclaugh  Life goal: be considered a disturber of the peace in Hobbiton

NotThatTomGreen  I can’t believe they’re re-making Father’s Day with all women.

david_j_roth  A 52-year-old Marilyn Manson, his makeup perfect, teeters around in high-heeled boots. “Boo-ha-ha-ha,” he leers. “I take drugs.”

hellolanemoore  there are more procedures in place to make sure you actually want to turn off Facebook chat than there are to buy a gun

jessokfine  It’s that time of year again. Make sure you add “big toe” to your shaving regimen.

FeralCrone  My son just called the bumps on Legos nipples and now all I can do is imagine trying to milk a Lego.

ashleycrem  Playground Tip: If you push an empty swing with a sad and distant stare while your children play, nobody will bother you with small talk.

Tw1tter_K1tten  I may look calm, but in my head I’ve already adopted 5 more cats.

goldengateblond  Some days I feel pretty lousy about myself and then I remember I can take my bra off under my shirt like a sorcerer.

Clint_Bing  My two biggest weaknesses are big butts and comedy so you can only imagine my excitement when paul blart: mall cop was released

vornietom  Yes I make comedy for a living, but my REAL passion is sleep

annetdonahue  “A bottle of diggity, please.” – “Sir, we haven’t served diggity in 34 years.” – “No diggity?” – “No doubt.”

jordan_stratton  COP 1: Stop running! ME: *starts cartwheeling down the street at high speed* COP 2: Damn, this guy’s good.

Manda_like_wine Remember when you’re giving mother that gorgeous hanging basket that what she really wants is the youth you stole from her.

LizHackett  You know two dads are about to fight in a Whole Foods parking lot when they circle each other and flick open Subaru keys like switchblades.

themiltron  [reading Plato] Me: Fuck this guy. He’s not even a planet anymore.

Gingerhazing  What if Natasha dated Bruce but Clint dated the Hulk and it was just very weird for everyone

stevetweeters  Bought a washer and dryer. Based on the price I think they transform into a robot and a robot crossbow. The dryer is the crossbow obviously.

zusty  Finally in Canada, where I can constantly apologize as much as I want

weinerdog4life  BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

Lilacmess  Never look at side effects. Just like comments on internet articles, just know they are all going to be really terrible and move along

madeleinedoux  I don’t even recall offering your anaconda any buns for the record

AndyRichter  Man: sports Other Man: sports, too. we are friends

 

jessokfine  If I’ve ever said that it was a pleasure speaking to you, that was a giant lie. I meant that sarcastically. I hated it so much.

 

slackmistress  Ted Cruz thinks the US is going to turn Texas Wal-Marts into detention centers.Which is silly. Wal-Marts have ALWAYS been detention centers.

 

LizHackett  In nature, some things mate for life, like a purse and the smell of one banana.

 

painted_eel  *noticeably drunk Kool-Aid Man turns down the music at a party* i want everyone to piss inside me

Sickayduh  “Detective, we’ve found what looks like an animal’s hind leg” – What makes you think that? “It’s just a haunch”

cwhudson  naps: turn one day into three exciting mini days

marcellacomedy  I’m hungry but I’m not in hungry with you.

MomAdviceBot  Get Clear Skin Fast. Show Everyone Your Beautiful Organs.

cortronic  [best Billy Idol voice] It’s a nice day for a… light sweater WHOA… It’s a nice day for a… CARDIGAAAAAN

koalaslament  I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

whalesmells  me: so did it hurt? her: yes, a lot me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye? her: I SAID YES

Book_Krazy  [Courtroom] “Your Honor, I rest my case!” Judge: but you haven’t… *gingerly sets briefcase onto pillow* “Shhh…it’s his nap time”

WritePlay  *knuckle tats* ( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H ) (I’m a librarian)

FattMernandez  I’m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.

michael_raphone  The fact that earthworms are called earthworms suggests the existrnce of sea worms and, more distressingly, air and fire worms.

koalaslament  The kids are running a makeshift hospital in the lounge room. Their triage system is total bullshit. I know I was here before the giraffe.

michael_raphone  no no no RoboCop is the scientist who created him, you’re talking about RoboCop’s Monster

jonnysun  life is like a box of chocolaotes, i cant aford a box of chocolotes

SomeChrisTweets  Liberating rain fills Kool-Aid Man’s weary face. The wall he breaks is the fourth. He lives among us now. He is free. He is alive. Oh yeah.

Little Big's Tweet of the Week

DesiJed  Hey boy, are you a software update? Because not now

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

 

 

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