Follow Friday: Doug’s Patio

Have a great weekend!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

morninggloria  MTA PITCH MEETING MTA //GUY: How about… Trains go 1/3 as fast? BOSS: let’s fast track this MTA GUY: U mean…slow track (finger guns)

behindyourback  Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

WhirledRecord My brain is telling me to do what’s right for me, but my heart is telling me, “PUMP BLOOD. PUMP BLOOD. PUMP BLOOD. PUMP BLOOD.”

BuckyIsotope  Why haven’t they fired the police detective in charge of the Waldo case yet

donni  If we outlaw birds only outlaws will be birds

telephase  Put a book tape on it.

biorhythmist  protip: ‘yay!’ is a good way to stop a sexting session dead in its tracks

JermHimselfish  The human body is made up of 75% water, the rest of it is spaghetti that is taking forever to cook.

boominonion  Dad: do you guys think if I got in a fight with P!nk, she’d win? Me: yes Sister: yes Dad: yeah, me too

AndrewWK  Eating grilled cheese counts as partying.

SleazySli  Don’t make me like you. You wouldn’t like me when I like you.

HumanPog  *yawns* it’s nine o’clock somewhere

hotdogsladies  I still can’t get over how much incompetent management plagues The Wizarding World. It’s like Enron with spells.

SamGrittner  “Go big or go home?” – the Incredible Hulk making plans

kerihw  oh anna kendrick i would turn on the keyboard noises on my phone for you

Pumpkinbabypie  10:- mummy, does James Bond do this? *drags self clumsily under coffee table whilst humming James Bond theme Me:- yes, absolutely.

Awesome_Todd  [basic training] Drill Sergeant: SHOW ME WHAT YOU’RE MADE OF, SOLDIER! Me: *draws picture of DNA* DS: GREAT JOB! LET’S GET ICE CREAM!

TheThomason  Good first date questions: What was your first pet’s name? What street did you grow up on? Mother’s maiden name? Fave bank to log in to?

asterios  MONEY TIP: Never trust your money to a guy with tented fingers

michaeljnelson  Escoffier could not make a better cheese omelet than the one I just made. (He’s been dead for 80 years, so technically, it’s true.)

jerryRenek  I’m still not sure if “Fuck you, buy it” is the best motto for Apple and yet it works.

DangOlWill  I’m not here to make friends. *spends entire reality show in my room tweeting*

MassageByTed  Somewhere there is a Carol who isn’t ready for the weekend. My heart bleeds for her. I’m so sorry, Carol. Weekend’s coming. Steel yourself.

JElvisWeinstein  Happy 16th anniversary to my wife…who isn’t on Twitter, someone on Facebook tell her for me, will ya?

FeralCrone  Brined in the ocean, my skin glitters. My hair is a wild, salty tangle. I’m of the sea. Still, I’m offended by the price of a lobster roll.

SteveSuckington  Damn girl are u my ceiling fan? Because I don’t know how to turn you on.

blankbaby  # of miles ran: 4. # of people who wanted to talk: 0. # of people who wanted a fist bump: 1. # of people fist bumped: 0.

joshgondelman  Considering it’s allegedly the best time in history to be alive, the past must have been some real bullshit.

heatherlou_  I’m sorry I didn’t answer when you called my phone. I don’t use it for that.

jessokfine  tfw you’re a pretty well-educated person but you still consider “curse” as a possible reason you’re not feeling well at the moment.

BradBroaddus  ME: I want to take long walks with you. HER: Aww…are you a romantic? ME: No, I don’t have a car.

hippieswordfish  MAGICIAN CHEF: before, we had just ordinary old basil and olive oil. but now *rips away sheet* PESTO!

shhrugg  It’s messed up that you can accidentally make a human but you can’t accidentally make a pizza

BRANDONWARDELL  gays getting married? whats next, me marrying my dog? my dog with piercing blue eyes & a strong body? is that next? me marrying my sexy dog?

eileencurtright  My therapy puppet Stress Incontinence Jan & I will talk to your teens about postponing pregnancy for a nominal fee.

cloudypianos  “i usually have a feeling of impending doom and I don’t feel that with you” -me being romantic

jonnysun  i like my womans like i like my cofee: very very mysterious. *leans back, sips cofee* is this even cofee

Little Big's Tweet of the Week

WheelTod  On your first day at the library, go up to the quietest person there & loudly “Shush!” them in the face.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.


FF Duet

This year at our annual Christmas party Isobel played a duet with Stefanie. I think they are playing Jingle Bells. Isobel knows about three notes. Stefanie was very gracious and accommodating. Have a great weekend!

EDIT: Stef informed me that they were not playing Jingle Bells, but instead they were playing Stairway to Heaven, and according to her, Isobel “nailed the flute part.”

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

undeadmolly  His kiss was slow, but firm and unyielding like an old man backing his Lincoln Town Car over a handicapped parking sign.

amydillon  5: It’s funny how you put down your phone and start wiping counters every time Dad comes in the kitchen. ME:*makes throat-slashing motions*

runolgarun  oh haha don’t worry he does that when he wants to be held [baby precariously balances several hostages at the mouth of an active volcano]

PastorBate  [Spelling Bee] Your word is palindrome “Can you use it in a sentence?” Go hang a salami I’m a lasagna hog.

lanyardigan  Tomatoes are a rich source of lycopene (werewolf dick).

stanedward  My dream is to get the whole word to work together ignoring Donald Trump so he thinks he’s a ghost

JoeFernandez84  Whenever a friend gets married I’m always psyched for them FINALLY being able to have sex the Lord approves of.

nbadag  SON: how do crickets chirp? DAD: by rubbing their legs together SON: but why do they make noise? DAD: they’re wearing tiny corduroy pants

FeralCrone  An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

iliezabeth  ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that? ME: a dog ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that? ME: dog ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

Sarah_Ricard  Why does the pharmacy think I would cook meth from Sudafed instead of just buying it from my neighbor? I don’t even make my own pie crusts.

RickAaron  You’re totes deplorbs.

PJTLynch  Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

fro_vo  When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

VaguelyFunnyDan  That awkward moment when you have a nice thing.

Toaster_Pastry  I swallowed an antibiotic and a probiotic at the same time and the irony almost killed me.

JerryThomas  I expect any day now I’m going to get one of those diseases where I have to tattoo helpful reminders on parts of my body.

Leemanish  Guy in the Petco express line clearly has more than 15 snakes

ibid78  MARLEY: you’ll be visited by 3 goats SCROOGE: ok. Wait did you say goats or ghosts? [the goat of Xmas past appears and starts eating a shoe]

michelleisawolf  Sometimes I want to be in a relationship but then I finally get the duvet cover on and I’m good again.

Super_Cynthia  I just saw an old woman in the cafeteria slowly eating a leaf of lettuce like a turtle. I can’t wait to get old

bourgeoisalien  Donald Trump’s hair is what happens if you cross the streams.

dadrats  GF: come over ME: im coming over GF: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over

jasonroeder  At this point, too many things have to go right for me to attend an outdoor concert.

skullmandible  HBO drama: a man has trouble at work, while his son has trouble at school. On the way home, he sees a horse gets shot by another horse.

PeachCoffin  Fuck Devoe marry Biv kill Bel

saladinahmed  WIFE Black people can do anything. DAUGHTER, 5 Can we miniaturize to ride butterflies? SON, 5 Can we shoot grappling hooks from our mouths?

_mindflakes  “Stop misquoting me on the Internet,” said my boss, “it makes me sad because I’m a massive baby with a stupid haircut.”

freypalm  Me: I guess I like cats ’cause they have a lot of personali— Cat: [too loudly as his headphones are still on] YO’S THERE MORE TUNA OR WHAT.

jennschiffer  felt something on my boob & almost freaked out & then realized it was a googly eye i put in my bra for some reason. i have a masters degree

AlisonAgosti  No matter what time, there is always someone outside of CVS having the worst day of their life

JermHimselfish  I don’t know why they call it a toilet brush, you can brush anything with this bad boy.

nbadag  GENERAL: they say you’re the best there is—maybe a little crazy MERCENARY: [eats lit cigarette & burps smoke] i fucked my bazooka one time

trumpetcake  Me and my buds blindfolded Devin and then jostled him around with some serious horseplay. We call it the BRO-ller Coaster. He was smiling!

KalvinMacleod  ME: Weird how every song seems like it’s written about me. WIFE: This is Raffi. ME [thinking about the time I was down by the bay]: yeah so?

zarascottio  I like to rock up to karaoke and sing The Smiths, just so everyone knows I’m really, really serious about having a bad fucking time.

joshbupkes  Tom Hanks ends all of his tweets with “Hanx”

AbbyHasIssues  I react to hearing the UPS truck the way a cat does to hearing the can opener.

AndrewMichaan  All couples should have a cheat day where you can have sex with any kind of food you want.

joshgondelman  My brain keeps looping the first four lines of “O Captain! My Captain!” to the tune of “Pony” how do I make it stop?

danforthfrance  Ever listen to marimba music and think you keep getting texts?

alldrolledup  How many Kegels makes a sit-up

J__Swift  There’s just no getting around how awesome I am unless you turn left a couple times.

TheCatWhisprer  Autocorrect just changed my kissy face emoji to “stop it you’re 37″ then powered down my phone.

BuckyIsotope  When I say “happy birthday” what I really mean is “congrats on not being murdered in the past 365 days even though you clearly deserved it”

Home_Halfway  ME:*steals bread* CLERK: You have to pay for that! ME: I’m on a gluten-free diet *wink* CLERK: Then why do-*realizes my pun*-ugh just leave

drewtoothpaste  32-yo man: Being an adult means I get to define what adulthood means for myself. Doctor: You are going to die from only eating Chef Boyardee

essokfine  I meant to say, “busting your balls” but I said, “busting your nuts” and then it got a little weird.

listenyoungman  Do you know what the dirtiest part of your body is? Wrong. It’s your phone.

Sarcasticsapien  I’m like a fine wine, I get better with age but people can’t actually tell the difference between me and something you pick up at Walmart.

mattselman  7 Stages of Kid Monopoly: *Fight over Dog *Change rules *Brief fun *Predatory trades *When will this end *Mega-tantrum(s) *Put game away by yourself

MarkAgee  *Donald Trump at the Sistine Chapel* “I have a Seventeen Chapel.”

Little Big's Tweet of the Week

audipenny  *dressed in a locust costume* it’s laundry day

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

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