[pinterest]

It is the time of the year when we reflect on the good and the bad, the funny and the sad. I’m celebrating your genius by posting five days’ worth of the funniest tweets of 2013 along with 100 photos from posts of the past year. Tweets of the Week appear in bold. Stay funny, my friends.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a blog series I created a few years ago based on a Twitter meme.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!

iboudreau  Your last name is Weiner. Either you keep your dick off the internet, or it’s your full-time job.

kelkulus  ”Carlos Danger” is trending – I guess they finally named the royal baby.

introvertedwife  Considering how many Superheroes come about due to radiation or complete genetic alterations, there should be a Capes specific oncologist.

mitdasein  I used to think that most technically-minded people were philistines. Actually, it’s just that most people are philistines.

kv8  I’m still not sure I understand how we came to believe it’s okay for banks to charge us money for not having any money.

J__Swift  I bought a relaxation app because buying things relaxes me.

Leemanish  I can feel my underwear working

blainecapatch  not looking forward to giving my son the TED talk.

batsly  Whenever I feel unattractive I remember the Ugly Duckling story and take comfort in the chance I might actually be some sort of bird

girlwithatail  80?s brides look like they’re trying to get the groom to change his mind.

donni  I cried because I had too many shoes until I met a man who had too many feet

adamisacson  I’d totally buy a 3-D printer if it could print out toner cartridges for my regular printer.

luckyshirt  They need to make a Coinstar that will take Pringles crumbs from my car seat and give me a whole Pringle.

Jim_Hamilton  My mother said I never cried as a baby. Making up for it now though.

WhirledRecord  After I die, I’m counting on my children to carry on my life’s work — Pressing “Not Now” in response to software updates.

MassageByTed  If there are more than four boxes of cereal atop the refrigerator it’s called a “bludgeon” of cereals.

PajamaBen_  BREAKING: Obama makes sex not with him illegel. “this is the best law,” he says

UnicornFlavored  Maybe this wall of mirrored closet doors will inspire some sort of fitness regimen.

shariv67  You know what really gets my goat? Velociraptors.

vforrestal  I just said to my cat: “I love you with all my heart. And if I was a time lord, I’d love you with both of them.”

JettSuperior  Well, I can grow children and moustaches. Thank you ovaries and Grandma Mary, respectively.

trumpetcake  A lot of people think it’s a goiter, but that’s just where I had my turtle surgically implanted.

ginger_xtc  Surely with evolution men should naturally come ribbed by NOW

LisaMcIntire  I like my denim medium rare.

estibrennan  I’m so sorry your dog is missing, neighbor girl, but the fact that you’re actually out in the street yelling “Stella!” is kind of amazing.

rstevens  I mean, you die when your heart stops and exercise just makes you waste heartbeats being miserable the science backs me up here

shariv67  That’s me in the corner. That’s me with no bars, searching for reception.

michaeljnelson  Did you know that “sadly pulls sock off genitals” is the most common stage direction in the works of Shakespeare?

ScrewyDecimal  I have mosquito bites in places that make me think the mosquito should have bought me dinner first.

000___000  they should invent one of those icee machines that dispenses icee frozen beverages except it’s not always broken

mitdasein  If there’s no God, then why do human eyes fit in a melon baller? HUH?

IGotsSmarts  I find it hard to believe a turtle painted the Sistine Chapel.

michaeljnelson  I overuse the phrase “I thought a lot about it” as though it adds moral weight. “Thought a lot about it, decided everyone but me must die”

jwoodham  DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

weinerdog4life  You say potato and I say potato, then we kiss, the year is 2154, potato has replaced nearly every word.

LSH85  next time you think humans are the paragon of evolution, watch me use a three-hole punch

?jenstatsky  Your bank should email you an alert when you have enough money to raise a child.

hipstermermaid  I’d be more willing to have kids if they came with a silent/vibrate setting.

babybabylemon  Spencer just declared these the best oatmeal raisin cookies ever! Probably because they’re chocolate chip.

pcsweeney  What if robots and computers already took over and they are simply letting us live in order to make sure they are always charged.

trevso_electric  Coldplay’s “Paradise” is about when Gwyneth leaves for the weekend and Chris Martin can eat all the gluten he wants.

smileydooby  Frankly “rubbing alcohol” sounds like one hell of a sexy drink

ClaireicalError  An auto-reply directs me to email a 2nd person, and that person also has an auto-reply: what are the chances that I’m the last living human?

abbytron  Reads book cover, “Everyone Poops.” UGH I refuse to follow trends. Weeks later, “Dr., how did he die?” “He was *removes glasses* too cool.”

TheBosha  Just saw a squirrel crossing the street slowly, chill and confident as you please. People, please be careful how you dispose of medications.

sarcasmically  The electrician who just came by was named T. Werkin.

apelad  I set my printer to print something on “draft” and it started to emit a light breeze. And papers.

tehawesome  In high school everyone is like “WHATEVER!!!” and in college everyone is like “whatever.”

ApocalypseHow  Does the “5-Second Rule” apply to just-born babies? Asking for a fiend.

Glennmandirect  Saw a woman at the store buying wine & a lot of batteries. I smiled knowingly at her. I sometimes get drunk & check all the flashlights too.

meganganz  Aaaaaand I just almost drank a candle.

ElizaBayne  Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

robdelaney  The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And vagina dentata. Also: sepsis. Beyond that we’re safe. Except for New Leprosy. #Wolves

Leemanish  Pizza parlor for seniors featuring animatronic original cast of 60 minutes.

snazzmania  lmao joke’s on you guys, I happen to love crickets

michaeljnelson  Ever close your eyes and see those weird swirly shapes? If so I’m 100 percent sure you have undiagnosed skull worms.

Caissie  I don’t know how you can say someone has a great body until you see an X-ray. Could be some serious problems in there.

annetdonahue  I’ve always believed that if cows could sing, they would sound like the singer of the Crash Test Dummies.

bazecraze  I’m sorry, but pugs look like the result of a transporter malfunction.

noirbettie  My epitaph will read: “She read the comments.”

unburdenunbound  Give a fish something for once. For fucks sakes

Sigafoos  @exlibris Your Follow Friday post seems to have gone up with no tweets. I will mentally substitute the entirety of my timeline.

LouisPeitzman  Love feeling fresh and clean after a shower. Those 30 seconds before I start sweating again are magical.

Mikecanrant  -Dealer opens trench coat revealing several Lean Cuisines Me: Im not a cop, where’s the good stuff? -Dealer pulls a Stouffers out of his pants

SquiggleJay  Hearing your 2yo say “Oh no! Broken thing!” from another room is terrifying.

LesterMJones  I put my pants on like everyone else. I stick my legs in the air and yell for Mom.

gabrielroth  a fact I have learned is that if you go into a bookstore and claim to have written a book they do not ask for ID before they let you sign it

DamienFahey  Michelangelo seems like a genius until you realize he spent hours of his life carving a dude’s pubes out of marble.

rolldiggity  To clarify, when I said, “Are you ready to roll with the big dogs?” I meant, “Are you ready to be locked in my car with seven Great Danes?”

mzeld  New email signature: “Sigh.”

mysteryteacher  Why I think you star my tweets: 61% Made you laugh 22% You thought I was someone else 14% Hot for my eye AVI 3% Paw brushed against it

pete_schultz  Wait- I thought the mayor of San Diego was a sea lion in a Billabong tank top?

usedwigs  If you see a celebrity is it okay to tap him on the shoulder and say hi or should you wait until he’s done at the urinal?

owlparliament  ok but what if we called maternity leave “a pregnant pause”

80sDonDraper  Not all of us were raised in a cushy cabbage patch. Some of us had to crawl our way out of a garbage pail.

danacbell  If we’re being honest the lamest thing that autocorrect does is capitalize Internet.

Sparkles_F  You aren’t worthless. No one is EVER worthless. Do you realize how much organs go for on the black market, HUH?!

arandomhim  *walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation* We’re fully booked “Ahem, I’m Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69? Sorry sir right this way

wordlust  Remember, you can’t buy happiness. You’re too damn poor.

weinerdog4life  And then god was like, a fucking beaver duck and that’s how the platypus was invented.

morninggloria  Jocks shouldn’t tease nerds because football is basically war LARPing.

ApocalypseHow  I bet the fires of Mt. Doom get a LOT of wedding rings hurled in.

alldrolledup  When the people in seats A and C are hogging both armrests, slowly lay your arms in their laps.

theleanover  Looking forward to new fall sitcoms like “My Father, The Lesbian,” “The Toilet Family,” “Something’s Wrong In Sector Nine” and “Jizz Squad.”

apatheticist  Pewb should be spelled this way.

karlhess  Never follow a YouTube clip to a second location.

jerryrenek  Is there a reason we don’t have a national holiday named after the guy who invented air conditioning?

AvoidComments  The Two Classic Online Blunders: Never get into a LAN war in Asia, and never go in to the comments section when your sanity is on the line.

missokistic  The most beautiful necklace a mother can wear is not gold or gems, but the intestines of a stranger offering unsolicited parenting advice.

NickMotown  The correct way to express surprise that something weighs nothing is “0mg”.

fart  if aliens come it would be a good idea to have stuff that looks like advanced technology. thats why i put a car battery in your ferret cage

jasminejuliette  When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music,” but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot.”

MassageByTed  The #1 pastime of people who live in Cleveland is making race car noises with their mouths.

LouisPeitzman  I’m on a seafood diet. I have mercury poisoning.

adamisacson  Saw a one-armed guy with a bruised-up nose and thought “Damn you Windows” because how else could he do that Ctrl-Alt-Delete thing all day.

BillCorbett  Lately when someone puts his hand up for a high five I rest my face against it and gently nuzzle. VERY unpopular so far but I have hope.

trevso_electric  bro what if soy milk is just regular milk introducing himself in spanish?

MassageByTed  A bedridden woman beckons a child to her. Weakly, she rasps, “I should have . . . touched more butts.”

theleanover  I was shocked when I found out Breaking Bad was about meth dealers in the US; in Canada it’s overdubbed to be about a “maple syrup lab.”

Faux_Ma  My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

twelveyearsold  It’s like my nana always said: if you can’t say anything relevant, manually RT it and add some emojis

wordlust  ”Do I look like Google?” is a valid response to any question. Even that one.

rstevens  I’ma complex individual. Mostly complex carbohydrates.

mitdasein  What’s your favorite deadly sin that’s also a cuddly animal? Mine is sloth.

VaguelyFunnyDan  A fascinating few hours here on Fridays, when “Drunk East Coast Twitter” interacts with “Not Quite Drunk Yet West Coast Twitter”.

usedwigs  Jeff Lyons just posted 34 new photos to the album “Heated Family Arguments”

biorhythmist  Come to my “home style” restaurant where all meals are eaten while standing over the sink.

JPHaddadio  Lazy people are underrated. We’re too lazy to kill or steal like other people do. A simple “thanks for being so lazy” would be nice to hear.

BDGarp  ”Get a load of that guy.” – porn director

jezebeldodai  shout out to the little boy on the block with a sword, fedora and towel cape pushing a baby doll in a stroller.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a blog series I created a few years ago based on a Twitter meme.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!