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Follow Friday 9/16

September 9, 2016 by Carrie Anne 4 Comments

It’s been quite awhile since I posted a Follow Friday post. It’s time for a change!

After releasing a survey question on FB, Instagram, and Twitter, I’ve decided to continue the FF series (by popular request!), but to keep it fresh I’m going to streamline the format and number of tweets and scale the frequency down to about once a month. I love these posts, but they are somewhat I’m consuming to put together, and I really want to start working on new posts again.

As always, thank you for your support!

rolldiggity  This election is making me realize that a traveling salesman with a miraculous vitality tonic could still do really well in this country.

BillCorbett  I need rewrite help on this cynical retort: “Pal, if I could shit pineapples I’d be a fruit salesperson specializing mostly in pineapples”

iantaco  Weezer thinks you started to suck after Pinkerton too.

lkoturner  I can’t believe how many of us have given birth to dogs, women are amazing and strong.

talkwordy Sep 3 Dear 30-something lady with license plate M4M4BEAR: I am sorry MAMABEAR was taken but you have made a terrible mistake.

SuperTeeWhy  [Pearly Gates] GOD: what was ur fav part of life? //ME: prob worrying about being fat the entire time //GOD: LOL that was Jeffs idea!! JEFF-

joshgondelman  Whenever I say “no offense” I’m secretly spelling it “know offense.”

SkinnerSteven  Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

JPHaddadio  Forget gender. There should be separate bathrooms for number 1 and number 2.

JennyPentland  I’m not going to take this. Lying down.

muzzeltof  Text Shorthand: //LMAO – Let My Aunt Out //WTF – Where’s The Fridgecake?! //IMHO – I Miss Harambe OK //AF – Ass Fuck //TBH – Tiny Belligerent Hobo

wolfpupy  Sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the ones swinging big knives around while screaming and trying to cut us

justintyler34  Do you have any shoes designed for comfort but also so that people think my feet are normal and cool?

dubstep4dads  NURSE: Sir… you’ve been in a coma since 2006. //ME: Fergaliscious

bourgeoisalien  As a little girl, everyone said I couldn’t be the Pope, but here I am, judging the shit out of everyone and wearing a dope as fuck hat

Jake_Vig  YOU: I murdered someone. //YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you. *********  YOU: I murdered someone. //YOUR CAT: Me too.

ToasterRodeo  HAIR LIKE A BOWL / IM 9 YEARS OLD / I’D RATHER DIE / THAN EAT VEGETABLES

MollySneed  I saw someone driving while playing Pokemon Go on a dashboard mounted phone. My first instinct was to Snapchat it. We both rightfully died.

andy_sell  MAKE AMERICA HARD AGAIN //RAKE AMERICA’S YARD AGAIN //DRAKE, AMERICA’S CARDIGAN

iamspacegirl  When there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

azninthesun  “You wanna see a dead body?” *slowly disrobes*

ArfMeasures  [phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? //ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love //W: OMG YES //M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

jpbrammer  2016: [happens] Corpse flowers: “It’s time.”

liv_thatsme  SHIT I LEFT MY ACCORDION ON THE BACK SEAT & DIDN’T LOCK MY CAR! *runs out to parking lot* Weird; now there’s 2 accordions on my back seat.

aveuaskew  But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

david8hughes  ME: gimme a virgin mojito //BARTENDER: here you go //ME [stares at drink for half an hour]: you’re absolutely sure nobody’s fucked this thing

HollyMemphis  DENTIST: “When was the last time you flossed?” //ME: “BRO, you were there.”

EmVeeGreen  Get out of my way, actual birds, I’m trying to catch pretend animals on my phone right now

HelloJessicaFox  A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

Fred_Delicious  Science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

povertyluxe  Salad doesn’t make you feel full so much as it makes you bored of eating

annetdonahue  It is now the long weekend which means your automated email reply may be a simple, “How fucking dare you.”

MarloMeekins  If Minions were real they’d just be jerking off all the time and getting hit by cars

TheNextMartha  When I see pumpkin spice out, I know shaving season is over.

KimmyMonte  Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

pleatedjeans  If you’re ever feeling stupid, just remember someone invented a wrench and named it Allen

hannibalburess  My Uber driver is definitely playing his own mixtape. It’s horrible but I accept it as punishment for something bad I’ve done in the past

markleggett  Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night with great ideas, and other times you think “C-3PO’s younger brother would be named C-3PP”.

tweet of the week

DaddyJew  [arriving in hell] I was told there would be a special place for me

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Filed Under: Follow Friday Tagged With: Follow Friday, funny, funny tweets, Humor, List, Photography, succulent, Succulents, tweets, Twitter, twitter list

FF: Summertime Swimming

July 1, 2016 by Carrie Anne 11 Comments

Summer is about having fun in the pool and picking fresh stone fruit off the trees with your cousins. Have a great weekend!

What is a Follow Friday post? It’s a blog series I created a few years ago based on a Twitter meme.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!

theleanover  And here I always thought OPP stood for Other People’s Pain. Sorry I wasn’t down for it all these years.

JElvisWeinstein  I’m not sure why I have to put my abs through all that shit when I can buy a washboard.

joshgondelman  I just got excited to eat soup later, so if anyone was wondering whether I’ve maintained my badass edge: HELL YEAH I HAVE.

PlanetofFinks  Although never officially a member of the band, Guy Fieri is often referred to as “the fifth Smash Mouth”.

MrWordsWorth  Taylor Swift Unable to Keep New Romance Loki.

morninggloria  Donald Trump rallies are the ideological equivalent of farts America has been waiting 30 years to let out.

apelad  Whoever stole my dictionary certainly got away with words.

EliTerry  I’m gonna be the guy that acts all cool after trumps loses and be like “i wasn’t even worried” even though I’ve been fear shitting 5x a day

sannewman  Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

hellakale  I have an hourglass figure. Sand is slowly filling my lower half, counting down the hours until my death.

simoncholland  My kids are too big to still use this Baby Bjorn but you wouldn’t believe how much BBQ will fit in here.

Kingsroc  The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

chuuew  Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

MrGeorgeWallace  No one sounds more like they attended Trump University than Trump.

MrWordsWorth  At some point, Final Fantasy is going to literally live up to its name or I am launching a class-action lawsuit.

TheNardvark  “Can I get 2 boxes of Sudafed?” /“Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time.” //“Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns.”

FatGirlvsWorld  I wish that “packing heat” or “being strapped” was people about carrying dildos everywhere cause it made them feel safe in this scary world

weinerdog4life  If people were constantly being attacked by wolves the solution wouldn’t be more wolves

kerihw  The irony is Trump can’t delete his account because his tiny fingers can’t reach the profile button.

themiltron  [hooking up with a girl who’s way 2 kinky 4 me] her: what do u want me to do me: [desperately trying to keep up] handcuff me to my own butt

mlefaye  I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

leyawn  SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing— DARRYL, SOCRATES’ FRIEND: fuck him up Socrates

iamspacegirl  ME: I thought you were bringing the flatbread truck. /TOW DRIVER: … //ME: I’VE ALREADY FILLED THE POOL WITH HUMMUS

Lahlahlindsey  Turns out the venn diagram of people who use twitter and people who have trouble sleeping is just a circle.

TheCatWhisprer  If you tear the box open the right way and leave it on the ground the dog will get blamed for eating all the cookies.

steveolivas  Stress has really gotten expensive since I’ve become an adult.

ImAmandaNelson  The West Wing is just Stark Trek TNG with less Shakespeare. Actually it’s about the same amount of Shakespeare

Cheeseboy22  If you act dumb enough at the Home Depot, the workers will complete your entire project for you.

drewtoothpaste  Two things I learned today: 1. Dogs can get diabetes 2. Vets do not like the word “dogabetes”

asterios  god dammit my squad is just me and my cat isn’t it

writtenper  Hot mom status: Got undressed for bed and dead leaves fell out of my pants.

kimholcomb  Saved half my burrito for later. Really growing as a person.

tastefactory  [at airport] Customs Official: What is the purpose of your travels? //ME: Basically to be in a different location than usual

annetdonahue  If I were a presidential candidate my campaign slogan would be “Please RT.”

cepheusjackson  ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic. //RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air //ME: HOLY SHIT

ceejoyner  Orchestra security just asked me to remove my silk FLUTE GOD jacket but I’m not wearing a shirt and the same thing is tattooed on my chest.

weinerdog4life  One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOU’RE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

chrismurphyusa  Watched a guy saw a new couch in half on the sidewalk so he could bring it up the stairs to his apartment & I was like, “There’s a tweet.”

Orcanist  my favorite thing about the sci-fi future we live in is that video calling exists and is widely supported but everyone hates it

Mike_Doughty_  Cargo shorts: because you have sexy legs, and sexier cargo.

philmann  AMERICA: Here in the UK we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”; Ice T as “Ice Ted”; And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

DanMentos  CAPS LOCK SHOULD ALSO WORK ON THE NUMBER KEYS DON’T 2 ME

SamGrittner  Any pizza is personal if it killed your father

AdjectiveNouns   I get knocked down / But I get up again / I’m a novelty inflatable clown

HiddenPinky  “This sausage tastes funny.” //”Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

katbrad  i want the “men stand up when women join or leave a table” thing to come back not bc of chivalry but bc i like to inconvenience men

batkaren  [1st date] “I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

JohnLyonTweets  Me: *does the robot for 5 minutes* //Interviewer: I meant what skills do you have related to the job.

kibblesmith  We’re thinking Dat Boi if it’s a boy, Crying Jordan if it’s a girl.

joshgondelman  Is it still drinking alone if you’re petting a dog?

joshgondelman  Sometimes people are like, “Do you party?” And I’m like: “Do you mean drugs or general fun times? Either way: No.”

jimpjorps  BOOMER: here is a participation trophy /MILLENNIAL: oh //BOOMER: fuck you for taking it

iamspacegirl  *down on one knee, holding up ring box* Babe I want to ask you to be *opens box, there’s a lil skull in it* or not to be, that is my question

LetMeStart  If you’re wondering how awesome my summer break is going, my kid just found a harmonica.

JoeBarton_  If you put up a missing pet poster you should be legally required to update it with whether you find your cat or not. I’m invested now.

trumpetcake  I knew Kool-Aid Man when he was just a plastic pitcher with a coke problem.

dubstep4dads  when a person in a leather jacket hugs another person in a leather jacket they turn into a motorcycle

DangOlWill  Wish there was an “I’m listening to this All American Rejects song but please don’t recommend anything because of that” option on YouTube

MariyaAlexander  People named Sebastian who aren’t a Jamaican crab, how dare you.

kalebhorton  I’m coming to kind of appreciate the Biblical absurdity of the fact that Donald Trump’s only platform is “build a huge wall in the desert.”

joshgondelman  It’s funny that you can say “Gimme another!” and get a second whiskey but people look at you weird if that’s how you ask for another hoagie.

UnFitz  *rises from the ashes* *immediately lies down and takes nap*

ApocalypseHow  Saw a couple making out in the parking lot of a Lowe’s. Whatever happened to DIY?

biorhythmist  I don’t believe in psychics except for the lady at the donut shop who says “see you tomorrow!” every day

KBAndersonYo  “Get back to work! The 90’s aren’t going to remember themselves!” – Buzzfeed floor manager

mitdasein  Is this gender-neutral bathroom lawful or chaotic neutral?

jonnysun  OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself //ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

JerryThomas  If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my okay yeah it’s not going to get any better sorry.

megankcomedy  People: We’d like stricter gun control laws. //Congress: Is pepsi okay?

justintyler34  I’m going to start saying ‘big whoop’ a lot. People will want to get to know me.

morninggloria  A bobblehead doll that’s just a hand that floats next to my head and makes the sarcastic jerk-off motion all day so I don’t have to
tweet of the week

TheTimmyToes  my review of the sun: one star

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Filed Under: Follow Friday Tagged With: Follow Friday, funny, Humor, List, Photography, Summer, Twitter

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