Summer

Summer is about having fun in the pool and picking fresh stone fruit off the trees with your cousins. Have a great weekend!

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theleanover And here I always thought OPP stood for Other People’s Pain. Sorry I wasn’t down for it all these years.

JElvisWeinstein I’m not sure why I have to put my abs through all that shit when I can buy a washboard.

joshgondelman I just got excited to eat soup later, so if anyone was wondering whether I’ve maintained my badass edge: HELL YEAH I HAVE.

PlanetofFinks Although never officially a member of the band, Guy Fieri is often referred to as “the fifth Smash Mouth”.

MrWordsWorth Taylor Swift Unable to Keep New Romance Loki.

morninggloria Donald Trump rallies are the ideological equivalent of farts America has been waiting 30 years to let out.

apelad Whoever stole my dictionary certainly got away with words.

EliTerry I’m gonna be the guy that acts all cool after trumps loses and be like “i wasn’t even worried” even though I’ve been fear shitting 5x a day

sannewman Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

hellakale I have an hourglass figure. Sand is slowly filling my lower half, counting down the hours until my death.

simoncholland My kids are too big to still use this Baby Bjorn but you wouldn’t believe how much BBQ will fit in here.

Kingsroc The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

chuuew Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

MrGeorgeWallace No one sounds more like they attended Trump University than Trump.

MrWordsWorth At some point, Final Fantasy is going to literally live up to its name or I am launching a class-action lawsuit.

TheNardvark “Can I get 2 boxes of Sudafed?” /“Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time.” //“Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns.”

FatGirlvsWorld I wish that “packing heat” or “being strapped” was people about carrying dildos everywhere cause it made them feel safe in this scary world

weinerdog4life If people were constantly being attacked by wolves the solution wouldn’t be more wolves

kerihw The irony is Trump can’t delete his account because his tiny fingers can’t reach the profile button.

themiltron [hooking up with a girl who’s way 2 kinky 4 me] her: what do u want me to do me: [desperately trying to keep up] handcuff me to my own butt

mlefaye I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

leyawn SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing— DARRYL, SOCRATES’ FRIEND: fuck him up Socrates

iamspacegirl ME: I thought you were bringing the flatbread truck. /TOW DRIVER: … //ME: I’VE ALREADY FILLED THE POOL WITH HUMMUS

Lahlahlindsey Turns out the venn diagram of people who use twitter and people who have trouble sleeping is just a circle.

TheCatWhisprer If you tear the box open the right way and leave it on the ground the dog will get blamed for eating all the cookies.

steveolivas Stress has really gotten expensive since I’ve become an adult.

ImAmandaNelson The West Wing is just Stark Trek TNG with less Shakespeare. Actually it’s about the same amount of Shakespeare

Cheeseboy22 If you act dumb enough at the Home Depot, the workers will complete your entire project for you.

drewtoothpaste Two things I learned today: 1. Dogs can get diabetes 2. Vets do not like the word “dogabetes”

asterios god dammit my squad is just me and my cat isn’t it

writtenper Hot mom status: Got undressed for bed and dead leaves fell out of my pants.

kimholcomb Saved half my burrito for later. Really growing as a person.

tastefactory [at airport] Customs Official: What is the purpose of your travels? //ME: Basically to be in a different location than usual

annetdonahue If I were a presidential candidate my campaign slogan would be “Please RT.”

cepheusjackson ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic. //RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air //ME: HOLY SHIT

ceejoyner Orchestra security just asked me to remove my silk FLUTE GOD jacket but I’m not wearing a shirt and the same thing is tattooed on my chest.

weinerdog4life One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOU’RE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

chrismurphyusa Watched a guy saw a new couch in half on the sidewalk so he could bring it up the stairs to his apartment & I was like, “There’s a tweet.”

Orcanist my favorite thing about the sci-fi future we live in is that video calling exists and is widely supported but everyone hates it

Mike_Doughty_ Cargo shorts: because you have sexy legs, and sexier cargo.

philmann AMERICA: Here in the UK we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”; Ice T as “Ice Ted”; And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

DanMentos CAPS LOCK SHOULD ALSO WORK ON THE NUMBER KEYS DON’T 2 ME

SamGrittner Any pizza is personal if it killed your father

AdjectiveNouns I get knocked down / But I get up again / I’m a novelty inflatable clown

HiddenPinky “This sausage tastes funny.” //”Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

katbrad i want the “men stand up when women join or leave a table” thing to come back not bc of chivalry but bc i like to inconvenience men

batkaren [1st date] “I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

JohnLyonTweets Me: *does the robot for 5 minutes* //Interviewer: I meant what skills do you have related to the job.

kibblesmith We’re thinking Dat Boi if it’s a boy, Crying Jordan if it’s a girl.

joshgondelman Is it still drinking alone if you’re petting a dog?

joshgondelman Sometimes people are like, “Do you party?” And I’m like: “Do you mean drugs or general fun times? Either way: No.”

jimpjorps BOOMER: here is a participation trophy /MILLENNIAL: oh //BOOMER: fuck you for taking it

iamspacegirl *down on one knee, holding up ring box* Babe I want to ask you to be *opens box, there’s a lil skull in it* or not to be, that is my question

LetMeStart If you’re wondering how awesome my summer break is going, my kid just found a harmonica.

JoeBarton_ If you put up a missing pet poster you should be legally required to update it with whether you find your cat or not. I’m invested now.

trumpetcake I knew Kool-Aid Man when he was just a plastic pitcher with a coke problem.

dubstep4dads when a person in a leather jacket hugs another person in a leather jacket they turn into a motorcycle

DangOlWill Wish there was an “I’m listening to this All American Rejects song but please don’t recommend anything because of that” option on YouTube

MariyaAlexander People named Sebastian who aren’t a Jamaican crab, how dare you.

kalebhorton I’m coming to kind of appreciate the Biblical absurdity of the fact that Donald Trump’s only platform is “build a huge wall in the desert.”

joshgondelman It’s funny that you can say “Gimme another!” and get a second whiskey but people look at you weird if that’s how you ask for another hoagie.

UnFitz *rises from the ashes* *immediately lies down and takes nap*

ApocalypseHow Saw a couple making out in the parking lot of a Lowe’s. Whatever happened to DIY?

biorhythmist I don’t believe in psychics except for the lady at the donut shop who says “see you tomorrow!” every day

KBAndersonYo “Get back to work! The 90’s aren’t going to remember themselves!” – Buzzfeed floor manager

mitdasein Is this gender-neutral bathroom lawful or chaotic neutral?

jonnysun OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself //ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

JerryThomas If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my okay yeah it’s not going to get any better sorry.

megankcomedy People: We’d like stricter gun control laws. //Congress: Is pepsi okay?

justintyler34 I’m going to start saying ‘big whoop’ a lot. People will want to get to know me.

morninggloria A bobblehead doll that’s just a hand that floats next to my head and makes the sarcastic jerk-off motion all day so I don’t have to