So. Hi. How are you? This isn’t awkward, is it? This, the first real post I’ve written since admitting certain things to the internet? No, not awkward at all.
The good news is I’m feeling a lot better and this is all thanks to a combination of a wonderful supportive family, my doctor who has convinced me that I am not crazy, better living through chemistry, and the many comments, emails, and messages I’ve received from you. I seriously cannot thank you enough for the outpouring of love I received, and still continue to receive, since last week. I hope I can return the favor for you sometime.
Certainly not helping my unstable mood was the raging kidney infection that I had but somehow wasn’t aware of. Too busy assuming I was going crazy, I guess. When the doctor ran a blood panel on me to make sure my thyroid was behaving they discovered the infection.
I hope this post isn’t already heading into pity party territory because that would be a shame. I feel like I’ve been doing all the right things for my condition: taking it slow, going through life like a horse wearing blinders, focusing only on the small bits of life directly in front of me, one at a time.
My anxiety, a natural tendency I’ve had since birth, started creeping in slowly over the last several months, moving from the edges of my life to the center. Like a mirage, it would seemingly settle in one area, but when I leaned in for examination, it would vanish and pop up in a completely unrelated area of my life. I could never quite pin it down.
A few days ago I woke up and I realized I could get dressed. I could brush my hair and think about dinner without wanting to hide from everyone and everything. This is what is called progress, and I clung to it like it was a life preserver in the ocean of my mind. I’m still having some issues, but I’m dealing with them as they come.
It might just be that I’m on medication for a long time yet. And that’s okay. I’m moving on from here. I ain’t dead yet.