A few of my favorite tweets and photos from the garden. Have a great week!
What is a Follow Friday post? It’s a blog series I created a few years ago based on a Twitter meme. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!
InternetHippo FRIEND: sucks to be you!! //ME: i know that
dave_cactus ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha! //TELLER: Haha! //COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
LaceyNycole Dance like nobody knows you have social anxiety.
DurtMcHurtt I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
HollyMemphis Life is what happens while you’re taking pictures of cats
Home_Halfway No no mom when I said “fam” I meant a bunch of strangers I’ve known on the Internet for 3 days. Stop smiling
jonnysun REPORTER: he’s not Hitler? //MELANIA TRUMP: he’s not Hitler //REPORTER: ok //MELANIA: [under breath] he’ll achieve even more //REPORTER: what was that
knifesex fyi women have been ghostbusting for centuries they’re called witches
Topangaroo What if Rob Lowe robbed Lowes? Just imagine the crazy headlines. They’d probably say something like “Rob Lowe Robs Lowes”
themiltron INTERVIEWER: why do you want this job //ME: I’ve just always been very passionate about not starving to death
MindyHungSpace Franzen’s going to be on Jeopardy!!! I hope the categories are Women’s Fiction, Twitter, and What the Heck Are Young People Thinking?
T_Bonezzz_ I just found my old Boom Box. Anyone have 22 D-batteries I can borrow
rachelaxler the RNC chairman’s first name is like someone trying to pronounce RNC
croninwhocares What if somehow, all of Brazil’s problems end up being solved with great butts
GensPlace Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
kyry5 [first day on the job as a drug dealer] *giggles* “We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?” *gets stabbed*
Home_Halfway Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
OneTrickTofani [Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
FrenulumBreve [homicide scene] DETECTIVE: “my god, in my 25 years on the force I’ve never seen a dead ghost.” //COP: “sir? we covered the body with a sheet.”
sageboggs MOM: be quiet roger, you’ll woke the baby //DAD: i think you mean wake- //BABY: our tax dollars pay for unnecessary wars //MOM: dammit roger
Brocklesnitch I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking his path on purpose and making him squeeze past me, in a display of dominance
OtherDanOBrien [Testing Cat-Human Translator] SCIENTIST: Cat, what is your name? //CAT: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER //OWNER: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
madeleinedoux ppl talk crap on us sex education., how else did u think i learned about oral contraceptives??? ,i eat like 10 condoms a day, nvr pregnant
InternetHippo [realistic Terminator] Skynet has become self-aware “Oh no, what’s it doing?” Nothing it’s just sad now
dril 1989: the fall of the berlin wall is celebrated, historically revered //2016: i tear down the sneeze guard at old country buffet and get Booed
DothTheDoth No one is as confident as a toddler at a wedding.
therealeatwood My decision to make newspapers radioactive got glowing reviews
InternetHippo ME: Someone is being rude to me //TWITTER: There’s a block & mute function //ME: Oh you thought…no I want you to go to their home & murder them
Molly_Kats My hairdresser told me her psychic said Prince was murdered by the illuminati & I couldn’t laugh bc she was holding a hot flat iron.
owlparliament I just searched the hashtag #dogwarts because I think my dog has warts but it’s all dogs in Harry Potter costumes >:(
davidkenny100 ME, living in a dumpster: I wish to start my life again //GENIE: done! 37 years pass. I’m living in a dumpster again but with a face tattoo
meganshpettit Farts are an insides joke.
GrantTanaka parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Dadpression My grandparents never got to see me be a father, but I think they’d have been proud of the way I complain about how expensive it is.
mattsinger I ain’t afraid of no ghost! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . *whispers* I’m afraid of women.
Cheeseboy22 “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T FIND YOUR SHOES?!” I yell at my kids as I frantically look for my keys.
davedittell FRIEND: is that a bag of cut up hot dogs in your fridge? //ME: I’ve had sex in 2016, 2015, and 2013
rstevens Adulthood is about learning to get super excited when things that make you constantly miserable improve slightly
MattBellassai ME: do you ever get sad because some dogs probably need glasses but we’ll never know because THEY CANT SAY //BANK TELLER: sir this is a bank
rachelle_mandik THE LA LECHE LEAGUE IS NOT A BUNCH OF LADY MEXICAN WRESTLERS EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE
TheWoodenslurpy I namedrop unimportant people all the time. “Tim from Red Owl groceries? Yeah, I knew him back when he worked in Seafood.”
abbycohenwl You can’t be too careful. I went to have a drink with someone I met on the internet and it turns out I’m a real asshole
RTMannJr Donald Trump’s murderous butler makes me long for the days when I was outraged over Mitt Romney’s car elevator.
mamabirddiaries A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
davepell A guy in the next stall was talking on his phone and having explosive diarrhea, and I’m like, “I hate to ask, but what’s your birth gender?”
paulverhoeven A ballerina walks into a bar. She’s a terrible ballerina.
knottyyarn Best yoga move: Bending around the door so delivery people can’t see that you’re not wearing pants
adampally My ears are burning, they must be throwing around my name pretty liberally at the ole Cannes… Wait one is bleeding this is real and bad
donni Imagine a toad. Plot twist: It’s gorgeous
_Mo_lee_ DAUGHTER: You’re invading my personal space //MOM: You came out of my personal space
What is a Follow Friday post? It’s a blog series I created a few years ago based on a Twitter meme. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!
