It’s been quite awhile since I posted a Follow Friday post. It’s time for a change!
After releasing a survey question on FB, Instagram, and Twitter, I’ve decided to continue the FF series (by popular request!), but to keep it fresh I’m going to streamline the format and number of tweets and scale the frequency down to about once a month. I love these posts, but they are somewhat I’m consuming to put together, and I really want to start working on new posts again.
As always, thank you for your support!
rolldiggity This election is making me realize that a traveling salesman with a miraculous vitality tonic could still do really well in this country.
BillCorbett I need rewrite help on this cynical retort: “Pal, if I could shit pineapples I’d be a fruit salesperson specializing mostly in pineapples”
iantaco Weezer thinks you started to suck after Pinkerton too.
lkoturner I can’t believe how many of us have given birth to dogs, women are amazing and strong.
SuperTeeWhy [Pearly Gates] GOD: what was ur fav part of life? //ME: prob worrying about being fat the entire time //GOD: LOL that was Jeffs idea!! JEFF-
joshgondelman Whenever I say “no offense” I’m secretly spelling it “know offense.”
SkinnerSteven Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
JPHaddadio Forget gender. There should be separate bathrooms for number 1 and number 2.
JennyPentland I’m not going to take this. Lying down.
muzzeltof Text Shorthand: //LMAO – Let My Aunt Out //WTF – Where’s The Fridgecake?! //IMHO – I Miss Harambe OK //AF – Ass Fuck //TBH – Tiny Belligerent Hobo
wolfpupy Sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the ones swinging big knives around while screaming and trying to cut us
justintyler34 Do you have any shoes designed for comfort but also so that people think my feet are normal and cool?
dubstep4dads NURSE: Sir… you’ve been in a coma since 2006. //ME: Fergaliscious
bourgeoisalien As a little girl, everyone said I couldn’t be the Pope, but here I am, judging the shit out of everyone and wearing a dope as fuck hat
Jake_Vig YOU: I murdered someone. //YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you. ********* YOU: I murdered someone. //YOUR CAT: Me too.
ToasterRodeo HAIR LIKE A BOWL / IM 9 YEARS OLD / I’D RATHER DIE / THAN EAT VEGETABLES
MollySneed I saw someone driving while playing Pokemon Go on a dashboard mounted phone. My first instinct was to Snapchat it. We both rightfully died.
andy_sell MAKE AMERICA HARD AGAIN //RAKE AMERICA’S YARD AGAIN //DRAKE, AMERICA’S CARDIGAN
iamspacegirl When there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
azninthesun “You wanna see a dead body?” *slowly disrobes*
ArfMeasures [phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? //ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love //W: OMG YES //M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
jpbrammer 2016: [happens] Corpse flowers: “It’s time.”
liv_thatsme SHIT I LEFT MY ACCORDION ON THE BACK SEAT & DIDN’T LOCK MY CAR! *runs out to parking lot* Weird; now there’s 2 accordions on my back seat.
aveuaskew But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
david8hughes ME: gimme a virgin mojito //BARTENDER: here you go //ME [stares at drink for half an hour]: you’re absolutely sure nobody’s fucked this thing
HollyMemphis DENTIST: “When was the last time you flossed?” //ME: “BRO, you were there.”
EmVeeGreen Get out of my way, actual birds, I’m trying to catch pretend animals on my phone right now
HelloJessicaFox A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Fred_Delicious Science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
povertyluxe Salad doesn’t make you feel full so much as it makes you bored of eating
annetdonahue It is now the long weekend which means your automated email reply may be a simple, “How fucking dare you.”
MarloMeekins If Minions were real they’d just be jerking off all the time and getting hit by cars
TheNextMartha When I see pumpkin spice out, I know shaving season is over.
KimmyMonte Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
pleatedjeans If you’re ever feeling stupid, just remember someone invented a wrench and named it Allen
hannibalburess My Uber driver is definitely playing his own mixtape. It’s horrible but I accept it as punishment for something bad I’ve done in the past
markleggett Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night with great ideas, and other times you think “C-3PO’s younger brother would be named C-3PP”.
DaddyJew [arriving in hell] I was told there would be a special place for me