[pinterest]
Have a great weekend!
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
jonnysun i sent all my sims to university & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unplugged my computer.
iboudreau Found out you can add your own MP3s to Metal Gear Solid V, so guess whose helicopter is going to play the Sesame Street song from now on.
morninggloria Could God make an iPhone not even He could break into
Mike_Bianchi I always hang on the rim after I dunk because it’s really high up and I’m scared.
RiverClegg Bobby Fischer was a chess genius, but how many pieces could he eat at once? Five, six? Pathetic.
rstevens I am actually pretty ok with the fact that the unconditional love of a pet is largely due to my giving them food
cloudypianos I’ve lost ten followers this morning but in my defense I’ve been tweeting.
BuckyIsotope *floats up to teens on hoverboard* /*pulls out vape pen* /Any of you heard of a cool guy named /*blows dope cloud* /Jesus? /*falls off board*
trypnotik As a Hispanic, Canadian and Texan; Ted Cruz is like an Americas sandwich.
GlumGeorgeLucas A cop pulled me over. I said, “Now this is pod racing!” That’s when he tased me.
donni If dogs sold cars I would definitely request a salesdog at the dealership
TheNextMartha The “property brothers” have released a country song and all of a sudden I feel like I’ve been flipped.
cloudypianos I have an incredible life couch.
imdaintyaf Whenever a product lists “love” as an ingredient, I assume it has jizz in it, so it’s really effective marketing is what I’m saying.
AmberTozer Prob sucks being a boy bc they never get to experience that feeling when u need a tampon & think u don’t have one then find one in your car
annetdonahue WALK INTO THE CLUB LIKE hey can you guys put on the Hamilton soundtrack
shariv67 God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.
vornietom Honestly the best part about the internet is how it made us all more honest and upfront about wanting to steal other people’s cute pets
CornOnTheGoblin ART TEACHER: your drawings are due tomorrow /ME: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes /POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: …a bowl of fruit attacked you?
vornietom ANCIENT CURSE: may you be a woman on the Internet
Donna_McCoy ME: But I’m the good kind of crazy, right? /THERAPIST:…
amydillon A Mrs. Doubtfire costume, but for going into this donut shop for the third day in a row.
vladchoc Your desk is here. This is the team. Listen up guys, this is Jon. He’s starting today. You’ll grow to despise him for a variety of reasons.
pourmecoffee GOP debates should’ve been organized like Westminster Dog Show into groups. “Now the senators! They are very vocal but mostly inactive.”
MattBellassai if walking in a line & being naked & shitting outside is what qualifies you to win a best in show award, then i should have at least 4
SmugDingus No child left behind, only with burritos.
RiverClegg I work like it’s going out of style: I’m only now beginning to get sort of into it.
jonnysun TEEN 1: its my burrito /TEEN 2: no its my burrito /KING SOLOMON: to settle this…we shall cut the burrito in half /TEEN 2: good. do it /TEEN 1: nno,
OhNoSheTwitnt Maybe Scalia will drop his best stuff posthumously like Tupac and Biggie. A whole album of dissent tracks.
TheThomason Was about to post a tweet but spilled hot coffee all over my shirt, which is probably what should always happen.
joshgondelman I avoided ending the day with “exercise” still on my to-do list by not including it on my to-do list!
peterhartlaub Pitbull is filling the cultural vacuum left by Spuds Mackenzie.
ScottLinnen What I’m trying to express here is I just haven’t had any heart for music since the Free Credit Report Band died in that plane crash.
DrScienceCat I heard that oxygen and magnesium are going out I was like OMg
louisvirtel Every Taylor Swift song sounds like it was written in gel pen.
WBKnoblock Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. jk.
RealCarrotFacts On Predisents’ day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and crunchy – he was America’s carrot
dubouchet I HAVE A TERRIBLE IDEA! Marzipan hats.
cextranapkins I wear the pants in my relationship, and my wife wears the shirt. We have to take turns when we want to go outside
austinkleon I have been married for 9 years. Valentine’s Day is putting on sweatpants and driving to Dairy Queen for a BOGO blizzard
kerihw Going to IKEA on Valentine’s Day is a high risk relationship maneuver, like level 18-19 stuff. Do not attempt this at home. Or at IKEA.
allisonthemeep Saying “bye, Scalia!” with the same inflection as “bye, Felicia!” is really satisfying.
SlagOffTwits I hope you all enjoy VD. May this be the best VD you’ve ever had. #RomanticTweets #WhyIAmSingle
nerdsrocket I’m pretty sure my pants have butt padding in them. I didn’t even know I was supposta feel inadequate about my butt padding.
guybranum If Scalia wanted the next President to appoint his successor, his heart should have worked harder. Rewarding failure is socialism.
jakefogelnest If people are upset that jokes are being made, you have to keep in mind that a lot of us aren’t very nice.
Boywhiz88 Sorry Kanye. Scalia was the best thing that dropped this week.
theadamgoldman Mad props to whoever found Scalia’s horcruxes.
SADCHICANA Why do people romanticize the 1950s? Like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
wodehouseoffice I write a page. Then I eat it. I am one with the craft.
markleggett Elon Musk’s full name is “Elongated Muskrat”.
back40feet Left work at 5, met friends for dinner and drinks, home in bed by 7:59pm! Best night ever!!
WBKnoblock ME: wanna get out of here? /GIRL: sure /*five minutes later* /ME: i meant just you
Jackclemens1 i would like to order guac but I also would like to help put my kids through college.
Betette My greatest weakness is assuming I can add something of value to a Facebook argument.
bumlaser “PORCUPINE YOGURT!” “What?” “Uh… PORTABLE YOGURT?” 5yo has maxed out her reading level with the newspaper’s supermarket supplement.
shariv67 Soulmate sounds like something Satan would put in his coffee.
RosemaryMosco Roses are red / Violets are purple, yellow, or white / And their seeds are dispersed by ants! So cool. / Wait, what were we talking about?
kerihw I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, in the wrong queue for the toilets.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
[pinterest]
