Recently my pal Justin passed along a biscuit recipe that sparked a biscuit craze among my friends. Biscuits were suddenly being made at a moment’s notice on a nightly basis and I would guess that our collective personal happiness quotient rose by at least 10%. We have this extremely easy, fast and flexible recipe to thank. Could it really be that good? you might wonder. What’s all the fuss over biscuits anyway? Well, let me tell you a story. My friend Scott is a baker of no mean skill. The man knows his biscuits. A biscuit connoisseur, you might call him. He made these biscuits one night and they were so good that after one bite he said to himself, aloud and while completely alone in his apartment, “Are fucking kidding me? Biscuit?!”
It is because of this story that these biscuits go by this colorful name. Before that they were just called “Justin’s Biscuits,” though this change is probably for the best because I could only tell people I was eating “Justin’s Biscuits” for so long before it felt like a dirty, dirty euphemism.When my friends and I would repeat the story we kept telling it wrong and calling them “What the Fuck Biscuits.” Of course none of us with our old lady brains could remember it correctly and it was with much exasperation that Scott finally shook his head and told us we jumped the shark. The biscuit shark.
So this recipe is easy, as I’ve said, and it really only needs four ingredients, but you can get by with much less than that if you happen to have self-rising flour on hand, in which case it only takes two ingredients. No worries if you don’t, however, because you can approximate self-rising flour with the addition of some salt and baking soda. I’m going to present Justin’s famous recipe of below, and then I’ll tell you my changes and additions after that. Can I ever leave well enough alone? Oh hell no.
Justin’s Are You Fucking Kidding Me Biscuits
(occasionally known by ladies with memory problems as)
What the Fuck Biscuits
–2 Cups of Self Rising Flour [Alternately you can add 1 tablespoon baking powder and 1 teaspoon salt to 2 cups all-purpose flour.]
–1 Cup of Heavy Whipping Cream [I like to go just over, I have played around and I think about 1 and 1/16 cups works best, but everyone’s sweet spot probably differs!]
1. Preheat oven to 450. I find if I put the oven preheating before I start anything it dings ready as I am putting the biscuits on the baking sheet.
2. Combine the Flour and Cream into a large bowl. I use our stand mixer with the dough hook on it. It takes maybe a minute to get it mixed.
3. Turn out dough onto a floured surface and knead until the dough is no longer sticky. This will take roughly 5 minutes.
4. Roll dough into about ½ inch thickness. I prefer to just work it out with my hands, but sometimes a floured rolling pin is necessary.
5. Cut into approximately 3 inch circles. I don’t have any cookie cutters, and didn’t think about this on my first go with this, so I dug around until I found something that looked like it would work, which happens to be a small mason jar. I still use it, it works out perfectly I think!
6. I cut, roll out, and cut again until there is nothing left but just enough for a drop biscuit to go on the backing tray with the others.
7. Grease a baking sheet. I use a coconut oil spray, it works lovely, but olive oil spray works just as well. Fill try with biscuits. The recipe should yield about 9-10, but I swear I always end up with 10 or 11. Maybe my mason jar isn’t exactly 3 inches.
8. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes. I have a gas oven, and everything seems to take a bit longer in it, so I do 11 minutes. But this is probably a thing unique to me and other owners of questionable gas powered goods.
1. I don’t use self-rising flour simply because I have three types of flour on hand and didn’t want to bother with the trouble and expense of buying more. I used a very scant tablespoon of baking powder, probably not even a tablespoon at all, because I don’t like the bitter aftertaste it leaves behind. My biscuits rose just fine.
2. I don’t know if this because we used two different types of flour but I had to add way more heavy cream that Justin did or the dough just wouldn’t adhere together. I added somewhere between one and a half cup and one and two thirds cup of cream. I can’t say exactly because I just kept adding more bit by bit when I noticed the dough wasn’t coming together. Baking, on the whole, is a very strict science where you are not allowed to do this sort of thing, but damn son, these biscuits are flexible.
3. I have a plain ol’ electric oven, and I baked them for ten full minutes and they were perfection.
4. I actually have an assortment of biscuit cutters, but baby Isobel kept getting into them when she was about 9 months old so I packed them up and put them away in the garage. The edges on them are quite sharp (if you happen to be a baby) so I also used Justin’s method of using a glass to cut them out. Easy-peasey-lemon-squeezey.
Because this recipe is going to make more biscuits that you probably want to eat in a night, or more likely, than you probably should eat in a night, I performed a little test, and I froze five or six of them after I cut them out but before I cooked them. The next day I popped them in a 450 degree oven for tenish minutes and they were just as happy as the biscuits I’d made fresh the night before. Just make sure you wrap the heavenly pucks well and label them.
These biscuits are so easy that even if you’ve never cooked anything before you can make these biscuits. The hardest part, by far, was dealing with the aftermath.