I Am My Own Worst Enemy: My Progress With An Autoimmune Disease

14 Apr

First of all I’d like to thank everyone for the amazing waves of good thoughts and prayers everyone sent my way, not just yesterday, but throughout this whole ordeal.

Yesterday I underwent a colonoscopy in order to find out why I can’t eat or move around or be a normal person anymore. Or at least, be normal for me, a person with Crohn’s disease an an unnaturally large appetite for cheese and Star Trek. I assumed my Crohn’s meds needed to be updated as they haven’t changed a whole lot in the last ten years. That may be part of my problem, but it’s a bit more complicated than that. Yesterday they found I have severe inflammation and abscesses in my intestine. We’re waiting on the biopsies to come back from the lab for more information.

So what does this mean? Abscesses are pockets of infection that develop in the intestines of people with Crohn’s disease, people without Crohn’s disease, and I’m assuming any animal that has a colon. Unusually a small piece of matter–such as a nut or seed or part of a whole grain–gets stuck in the digestive tract and it becomes infected. This is called diverticulitis. The body responds in kind with white blood cells to attack the infection. The special thing about having an auto-immune disease like Crohns is that you don’t even have to have anything stuck in your intestines for the body to send massive amounts of white blood cells to an area it decides wasn’t on-brand with the rest of the colon. The body gives itself infections all over the place because it’s a goddamn overachiever.

“I am very disappointed with this foodbaby.”


The prep for the colonoscopy was just brutal, I mean brutal, because the last thing you need when you have severe inflammation is… more inflammation. It was terrible and I didn’t even have to drink that nasty drink that makes me barf everywhere. (Though I did barf with the pills because, hi there, I’m an overachiever.) After my procedure I was hoping to be turnt up and tweeting things I’d find hilarious later but sadly the so-called good drugs only made me tired, which is not a whole lot different from how I feel all the time anyway. THANKS, OBAMA.

The wonderful news is that I am on an antibiotic that I can actually take without needing to be hospitalized –a first in a while! (Give it time.) Also I am one step closer to realizing my dream of being a normal me who eats mostly normally and can function normally without having to nap or lay down 90% of the day and doesn’t feel like rotten garbage all the time. I might need surgery to get to the that point, but so be it. This is my life, I’m going to double down on it.

Again, your tweets and emails and comments have meant the world to me, and I can’t thank you enough. Anthony and my Mom have worked tirelessly to care for me and the family and I honestly don’t know what I’d do without them. As a friend said, my colon is an asshole, but you guys are fantastic.

Follow Friday: Nature Walk

10 Apr

Have a great weekend!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.


EmilyHenryWrite  The best way to appear non-threatening is to be on a Segway.

apelad  I’m claiming all of you as dependents this year.

rstevens  Is that a listicle in your pocket or can you just not believe… what happened next?

Lilacmess  I must have typed my name wrong into something because I keep getting emails addressed to “Stefamo”

AdInsanitum I left my phone in airplane mode for an entire hour, which in 2015, counts as reading a book.

BugginWord  3yo: I’m cold. Me: Me, too. 3yo: I think we both feel the wolf’s breath. …so I’m definitely in a horror movie, right?

LizHackett  Grind your teeth to a happier new you.

NotThatKristi Locked a bee in my car. Guess it’s his car now.


VioletThunk  SPOILER ALERT: Sell-by dates

wordlust  I just want my children to have better reaction gifs than I did.

vforrestal  just put in my obituary: “she died as she lived, trying to HUG ALL THE CATS.”

HelloCullen  “Magazines used to come with phones shaped like footballs” is a thing a will drunkenly mutter as a grandpa

burritojustice  pretty sure California will be ok if we just start measuring water in liters instead of gallons presto 3.785 times longer showers

Jedimasterbator  I have a feeling that in the afterlife I will owe all of you a huge apology.

mat  In observance of the drought, and because I am deeply confused, I have decided to give up food

ktmcburr  If ya wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my cats.

joshgondelman Time to fire up Duke’s official fight song: “Do You Even Know Who My Father Is?”

RealAvocadoFact  Avocado in the streets, avocado in the sheets

catagator  I found the Halloween candy I hid from myself and my night got a lot better.

sara_jordannn  Every time Guy Fieri forgets to call it “Hotlanta” Chester Cheetah magically appears to remove one flame from his shirt.

dagnificent  This spring’s hot new trend! Denim jeans made to accommodate diapers

waferbaby  MUNI: less of a public transport system, more of a live human smell museum.

missambear  Someone on the street told me to smile and I said “that’s not my brand.”

jennyvsjenny  I only have one week left to decide which social media network to use to wish my mum happy birthday while also maximizing my brand.

SpaghettiJesus I really wanted to clean but God had to tempt me with a fish called Wanda and I failed his test.

koalaslament  looks like my pants shrunk overnight, haha lol classic pants

vineyille  [face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

apelad  Get it drunk and sing it sad songs. Keep Tahoe blue.

Black__Elvis  My favorite Star Trek episode is that one where Captain Kirk saves the Klingons hundreds of dollars on hotel reservations.

GrowlyGrego  [doctor hands wife urn] Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it. “Nooo!” she cries. Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

tarashoe  why’s it so cool to be antisocial these days? i’m making sociable cool HEY STRANGERS OVER HERE hey yeah what sorta stuff are you into hating

Fred_Delicious  science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

PeachCoffin  What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

JosephScrimshaw  Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

annetdonahue  *runs into crowd* TODAY I ATE QUINOA! *crowd cheers, raises me above them, exalts me and now i am their god*

TheCatWhisprer  At any given time 80% of my body is composed of candy from the most recent holiday mixed with candy from the next upcoming holiday.

sarcasmically Hey thanks autocorrect for helping me call my father a Drillmaster *empties Therapy Fund, resets Damage Clock to zero*

asterios  WAYS TO MAKE FRIENDS: -Ask strangers what time it is, then move in for the hug -The wink/thumbs up/gunfinger trifecta -Get super rich

JermHimselfish The Red Cross just gave me back all the blood that I donated because they said there was too much karate in it.

donni  Still not sure what a gazebo is. Maybe I’m a gazebo. There’s no way to tell.

ShesAllWrite  If my Easter was any better, there would have to be two of me, and we’d both have to get ponies.

goodmaggie  I’d like to be “acknowledged by PBS onscreen” rich.

rstevens  Garfield Minus Gluten

wheatandsky  Party leftover perks: just eating a chunk of smoked blue cheese while standing in front of the fridge.

BillCorbett  Traditional Easter here with the family gathered around YouTube watching instructional ham-slicing video.

ProBirdRights  maybe I should paint some of your babby and hide them around see how you like it

RandiLawson I Know What You Did Last Supper

wordlust  As my grandpappy used to say, “You can’t make an omelet without appeasing the rabbit god. I like pancakes.”

bombsfall  I’m glad they changed the name of the film from “Took”. It was already spoken for by the next bloated Tolkien film trilogy anyway.

louisvirtel Taylor Swift’s lyrics are 100% yearbook quotes.

BooFricketyHoo It’s not officially Easter until the dog poops out easter grass.

cloudypianos  [batman voice] once upon a time I was falling in love but now I’m only falling apart there’s nothing I can do a total eclipse of the heart

UnicornFlavored After however many years, I have finally learned that the key to enjoying my MIL’s Easter dinner… Is to bring my own food.

Smethanie  Got excited about the high-quality plastic shopping bags a store I went to today uses because they’ll be great to scoop cat shit into.

joshgondelman I think technically it’s not “drinking alone” if your friends said they’d be there already.

Karate_Horse  i am the strongest person working out in this gymboree

trypnotik  “This thing just came out of my head. People should see this.” and then, Twitter.

JustinGuarini  Son, on the Internet, we are all cat ladies.

TheAlexNevil Brain: Don’t forget. Me: Forget what? Brain: Forget what?

bumlaser  UNEXPECTED ITEM* IN BAGGING** AREA. *dog **bed

weinerdog4life I am a farmer and I know how to computer

weinerdog4life For Sale: 1989 Jeep Cherokee, runs great, powered by demons, haunted as fuck

efoxband Omg why do birds suddenly appear like EVERY time you are near?!? Wtf #MakeAQuoteWhiny

loather Probably going to periscope the cats later so sign up now folks

EmilyHenryWrite If my second-grade teacher could see me now! (she’d realize I never stopped “perching” in my seat and she should’ve given up trying)

MrsTomServo Wedding checklist: Dress bridesmaids in… wisteria? Burlap. Tons of burlap, for some reason. Whisper vows into mason jar. Pickle vows.

Jamie1947 always a dehydrated earthworm, never a blissful etheric god-form soaring outside of time

balsamicvinager  more like our mod is and awesome mod. heh. killing it on this forum.

jakob_huber  *sets feet on friend’s coffee table while sitting on their couch* Friend: Do you mind? Me: Sorry *puts feet on a coaster*


markleggett Find out exactly how much America loves freedom of speech by remixing their national anthem with the Divinyls song “I Touch Myself”.

mitdasein  Paul Blart Mall Cop 2: Because You Hate Yourself

BillCorbett  Saw a huge beautiful hawk soaring next to the road and thought “that represents my spirit” especially since it was flying over an Arby’s.

HMittelmark  The screams of the children, the horror of the parents, the one time the floor really did turn out to be lava.

Karate_Horse if you just walk into a any karate class without paying to be there you might learn some moves before they figure it out and make you leave

kevinseccia  Vengeance and hate are wonderful as long as they’re not guided by racism or bigotry. Find someone to hate for who they are as an individual!

slackmistress  I hate when my iPhone foodshames me by not recognizing my thumbprint when my hands are greasy.

jenniferdaniel  Just whispered to my crying son, “I am your woman” instead of, “I am your mom” and now we’re both very confused.

Tmuzzatti  How come AprilFools day is the one day of the year when people critically evaluate news articles before accepting them as true?

luckyshirt  April fool’s I’m actually really smart and handsome! I got you all so good for the past 39 years.

audipenny [discussing anything] You’ve all made some great points, but have you considered Who Gives A Shit

luckyshirt  I wonder how many people have starved because food isn’t on Netflix.

BrandonEsWolf  Thrilled to be on the cover of this month’s Okay Looking Magazine!

EmilyHenryWrite  The show “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” is the April Fools Day of the cosmos

EmilyHenryWrite  In Iceland hot dads wear baby bjorks Thank u, I’ll be here forever No rly I can’t die help

markleglett  Not sure if I mentioned this or not, but my ankle is kinda sore today. And yet I’m not going to let that stop me from achieving my goals.

rstevens  Follow your heart. Modern medicine can most likely put it back inside your body.

vladchoc  It is with heavy heart and exceptional penis length that I must announce my resignation as moderator of my church’s Truthful Humility forum.

jenlaw_11  I’m paying thousands of $’s for this geology class and the professor hasn’t once asked me if I’m ‘ready to rock’ is he even a real professor

badbanana  Of life’s many bad decisions, a wallet chain is one of the most visible.

BeTheBoy  Got the church roof fixed through Christian Shingle dot com.

joshgondelman  My superpower is finding the least healthy option at any vegan restaurant.

mgoldst  Things that prevent you from being productive, in order of effectiveness: 1. The Internet 2. Death

ooplebaboo  I have FOMOOT (fear of missing out on tacos)

xzqx  ERRBODY IN THA CLUB curl up into a tiny ball and whimper

joshgondelman  Saying “my pleasure” after someone says “thank you” is the only time I feel comfortable talking about my pleasure.

EmVeeGreen  Is ‘poop doula’ a thing, because I think that’s what I’m doing right now.

theleanover  Shorter Bible: the invisble sky-wizard is never happy.

adholden  How many tabs do you have to have open before you can be diagnosed as a hoarder

tweet of the week


BadAstronomer  So brontosaurus may be a planet again? Science news is confusing.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.


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