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Best of Follow Friday 2013 – Friday

10 Jan

It is the time of the year when we reflect on the good and the bad, the funny and the sad. I’m celebrating your genius by posting five days’ worth of the funniest tweets of 2013 along with 100 photos from posts of the past year. Tweets of the Week appear in bold. Stay funny, my friends.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a blog series I created a few years ago based on a Twitter meme.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness hereWould you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!

theyearofelan  My first kiss was when I was sixteen but I don’t think it counts because it was with a puppy

Bagyants  Well, better get out there. All those people won’t just judge themselves

000___000  cat refusing to answer simple questions such as “what does a baby cat do?” and “who is the mister cat man?” despite hours of interrogation.

chickenscottpie  @TheRedQueen Is “athleisure” that thing when you get dressed for the gym but then take a nap instead?

fart  shout out to the dude moving a queen size mattress on bart at 12:49am. i respect you no joke

waferbaby  Link me like one of your French URLs.

theNuzzy  I’m a stay at home son.

OneFunnyBastard  Just read a study claiming 1 of every 10 deaths is caused by red meat. Think about that. 9 out of 10 people are killed by vegetables.

charliecapen  The whole Internet is basically one giant Snarknado.

nayele18  A fun thing to do when your child has an Orthodontist appointment is write ‘pole dancing lessons’ on the school sign-out sheet.

FlyteAphrodite  Hey guys good news I won a free order of fries from Long John Silver’s although I think that qualifies as more of a punishment than a reward

UnicornFlavored  I can’t get over the fact that the waffle sandwich chain here uses the slogan, “How Bold Is Your Fold?” VAGINA.

UnicornFlavored   In bed, Kyle was making some weird “big circle, little circle” hand gestures to me. I assumed it was sexual. Then he whispered, “Donuts.”

ErockGasoline  Brosé Cognsecco is a mixture of wine, brandy, presecco, and steroids.

amandaha  I missed the first half of the sentence that ended with “choosing between two hot Hobbits.” I will never get that moment back.

canadasandra  I made a pot of coffee so strong it just opened a jar for me.

CatherineLMK  I am always taking the road less travelled, mostly because of my terrible sense of direction.

danielralston  Thanks, Blinds To Go, but I’ll eat them right here.

effinglibrarian  when you were young and weird shit happened to your body, you knew it was just part of growing up. that weird shit now means you’re dying.

biorhythmist  Glad I audited that birthing class first. No thank you!

nayele18  Sorry I haven’t been around lately, but I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching and it took me this long to realize I don’t have one.

crckthsky  Wearing sweatpants and a dress shirt. This is the mullet of outfits.

mccoveychron  To be fair, shutting down the government and then turning it back on is probably the first thing we should have tried.

000___000  i’m such a successful international man of mystery that literally no one anywhere has even heard of me.

Lord_Voldemort7  Kris and Bruce Jenner have separated? He finally got Kris to pass him a sock and BRUCE IS A FREE ELF!

andrewmorrisey  I don’t mean to brag but I am so good at accidentally bragging.

ProfJeffJarvis  Jesus was smart to hire 4 different bloggers to do his content marketing.

Fake_Rockstar  Buying pants is like buying insurance: I hope I never have to use them.

markleggett  I know he’s retired now, but surely Jesus Christ can find something better to do than post selfies on tortillas.

kellyasterisk  I thought I saw a cute dog, it was just a lady’s boots

__GrumpyCat  I can’t afford anti-depressants so Im just drinking No More Tears shampoo.

kerihw  Yeah, phenomenal achievement, putting a robot on the moon. Very difficult. Well done. Whatever. *continues assembling toy parking garage*

HousewifeOfHell  Found a strip mall today with a gun store next to a pawn shop next to a tattoo parlor. Got all my Christmas shopping done in one fell swoop.

danforthfrance  I don’t know much about Bieber but it’s a shame she is quitting. She seems nice.

Ristolable  gold?? thanks!! frankincense? you shouldn’t have! that’s too generous!! and what do you hav–oh, myrrh. wow. no no it’s…great. myrrh. wow.

ApocalypseHow  Am I racist if every snowflake looks the same to me?

CalmTomb  It’s so nice today I think I’m gonna go stare at my phone OUTSIDE.

JerryThomas  I wonder how many things Miley Cyrus is licking right now.

tnylgn  Shout out to the Mayan calendar for only being one year off.

RonanFarrow  Listen, we’re all *possibly* Frank Sinatra’s son.

inversejaik  @TheRedQueen @chickenscottpie Isn’t a mustache just a chevron for your upper lip?

wordlust  My bladder contains multitudes.

SciencePorn  Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live the longest.

ProfessorSnack  I don’t have a clear understanding of the new math being taught, but based on the label, I just ate 9 feet of fruit.

Carbosly  My orgasm face is pretty much the same as my “stepping on a Lego” face.

IGotsSmarts  I honestly don’t know how many chameleons I own.

inversejaik  I knew that it was going to be a great day when I stepped outside into the sunshine and saw a large flock of vultures circling my house

Mortimusgerbil  poking dead things with a stick is my jam

rikpayne  When your name is Richard, all your pics are Dick pics.

michaeljnelson  Santa’s already lying on the couch in his underwear watching HGTV and waiting for the unemployment checks to roll in

wescraw  Your blood test came back negative. You have no blood. You’re actually a mop. I’m not even a doctor. These drugs are intense.

JRehling  I had something like Paranormal Activity happen to me except it was a pair of normal activities.

ProfessorSnack  You can call it a soul patch if you like, it’s still a lip Brazilian to me.

Dana_Bruno  Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?

mikeym00n  I just farted so hard the ceiling fan spun a little.

quintywinties  This morning I was singing the Offspring in the shower and my dad asked me if I was crying.

SteveHimmer  My novel just entered a second printing! (The toner cartridge ran out halfway through the first time.)

OhNoSheTwitnt  I end all conversations with “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

apatheticist  Shit always goes down. Except that one time I was laying face down on the bathroom floor, that time it went up.

bumlaser  Thusfar, Tuesday can eat a bag of whatever didn’t make it past quality control at the Bag of Dicks factory.

apodixis  Oh what a tangled web we weave, when we first throw all our computer cables into a single box.

PrettyAllTrue  Husband directing me to access an article on his iPad, “Click at the top. The top. Top. See? At the top. Top. Top.” I will miss him.

AaronMReibel  Any closet can be a walk-in closet if you have the willpower.

abbytron  My hips do lie, because they are insisting that I am 80 years old.

apatheticist  I suck hard too, James Dyson, but I don’t brag about it.

thejohnblog  I probably shouldn’t have taken that vicodin before driving, but the minotaur running alongside my car is giving me the ‘thumbs up.’

WhirledRecord  You are no longer what you eat. You are now your browser history.

shariv67  Age is just a number. Life is just a bowl of cherries. A hedgehog is just a sharp hamster. A cigar is just something you stick in an intern.

dubouchet  I can’t remember the last time I ate a nice big steak. OH GOD MY WIFE’S BEEN DRUGGING MY STEAKS!

joe_hill  I would play the shit out of Grand Theft Mario Kart.

radiofreegeorgy  Instead of the camel “hump day” ad, I want to see Odin wandering around an office saying “Guess what day it is?!” and spearing people.

ApocalypseHow  Pumpkin Spice is PEOPLE!!!!

MommyMG  And the baby is sitting in the corner teething on a disembodied Barbie leg. I hope this helps them grow up to be like the Sedaris children.

daveyp  Listening to Chopin on the train… he’s not saying much and appears to have been dead for quite a while.

Will___Ferrell  My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

biorhythmist  I think this bidet likes me.

HeathRobots  Tonight the toddler fell backwards into the Christmas tree while playing his Elmo guitar. Egg nog season needs to be over now.

Leemanish  A genie makes you the following offer: You get 1 million dollars, but will henceforth appear as a beaver in photos. Do you accept?

WhirledRecord  When I see a crime scene, I flash my wallet and push my way through the police, yelling, “I’m from Twitter. Let me through!”

apelad  There are so many things I can believe are not butter.

thenomodellady  Sometimes autocorrect is like playing Scrabble with an illiterate Quaker.

NintenDom  I’ve never had to officially break up with anybody, but there’s definitely a few girls out there who think I’m still trapped in Jumanji.

JPHaddadio  Based on how 2013 turned out for me, I’m relieved that the world ended in 2012.

TheRedQueen  My kid is in his play room replacing words in Joy to the World with Pumpkin. “Let every heart prepare pumpkins”

ProfessorSnack  There’s no elegant way to explain that the spot on my pants is hot pickled sausage juice.

williamwanton  I wonder how much time people spend sleeping while they’re driving before they decide to hang a dreamcatcher from their rearview mirror

jokeappreciator  Eating dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets to affirm how much we owned in evolution.

weinerdog4life  Damn girl, are you a microwave? Cause why do you have a potato button?

sassysexual  Uteruses before duderuses

runawaycupcake  Just lubed up my hemorrhoid so there’s no accounting for how far I’ll slide if I fall down on uncarpeted flooring.

johnmoe  Mentally, I turn all those I Voted stickers into I Farted stickers. Hey, I’m not proud of this. I’m not at all proud. I’m a little proud.

99golems  The cutoff age for people who can recite the entire prince of bel air theme song is called the Freshold.

eihposa  Hey girl I just heard your pants aren’t hiring because your butt won’t quit

runawaycupcake  When I’m 80 years old and Gwyneth Paltrow is a spokesperson for stool softeners, I’ll finally be happy.

weinerdog4life  And when there were a lot of footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of Jesus’ chasing you.

stevekemple  Just woke up a sleeper at the library while wearing a gorilla suit. I don’t think he’ll sleep again for a while.

fart  STYLE TIP: if you don’t have a handkerchief or a flower for your suit’s breast pocket, you can put a small or medium fries in there

adampknave  This pack of peanuts has a warning that it contains peanuts. Well done, everybody.

Marina_Sirtis  @exlibris You look stunning. Congrats!

BeTheBoy  Called 911 because I couldn’t open a salsa jar. They’re sending a police car. That’s so helpful.

apodixis  How much eyebrow pencil should you use on your nipples? I REALLY want this job.

donni  ”Sweet like molasses” should be “Sweet like mole asses.” Moles have nice butts

wordlust  Martians abducted me, probed me, and made me sign up for a loyalty card.

apodixis  I think of my Twitter history as a “snarchive”.

fart  i saw an article called “24 Clear Signs You’re a Mom” and none of the signs were “A HUMAN BODY HAS PAINFULLY BURST OUT OF YOUR VAGINA”

VaguelyFunnyDan  Okay fine, I’m a “big softie” ’cause I’m a dude who cries. In fetal position. At Marshall’s.

J__Swift  Have you tried turning me on then off again?

jonnysun  look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable bouncy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

sarahmsmart  As a child, I was taught that pizza contains all of the food groups. Now that I’m older and wiser, I know that pizza is the only food group.

TwoAdults  Told myself, “Billy, don’t be a hero.” and ordered a pizza for dinner.

briangaar  What superpower would you pick?? I’d pick X-ray vision and give people X-rays for free. But I guess I’m just a better person than you.

MassageByTed  Why buy the cow when you can milk me any time you want wink wink wink OUCH WAIT NO STOP

kellyasterisk  Caffeine is my favourite emotion.

BDGarp  My therapist said I’m a “fun patient.” So at least I’ve got that going for me.

itsDorry  a shooting star is actually someone driving off rainbow road

TechnicallyRon TEACH your children the magic of childbirth by covering your cat in jam and forcing it through a toilet roll tube.

luckyshirt  I get all my best ideas in the shower. For instance: “You should just never leave this shower.” And: “You should tweet this.”

ProfessorSnack  Deboning a turkey is pretending the two of you never had sex, right?

ApocalypseHow  HAPPINESS IS… getting a check from a class-action lawsuit you didn’t even know you were part of.

TheBlackStar  I may have gone to the park dressed as Robin with Kingston dressed as batman.

tigersgoroooar  I see you, baby. Shakin that ass. Shakin that ass. Candy wrappers n shit fallin out ya gotdamn pockets. Damn, baby, pick that shit up.

pacej_me  I’m kind of like a bee in that my greatest defense mechanism is just shoving my ass into you and dying

000___000  i would like to see a tiny car with 35 stick figure clown decals on the back window

lanyardigan  This is my post-baby body (I used to be a baby)

FlyoverJoel  You can find lots of interesting things by bending over to look in the bottom of the freezer like some back muscles you didn’t know you had.

nPhelendriqal  Sorry, but only 2 people have ever looked cool with mustaches. Freddie Mercury and my mom.

JulieFroolie  I only hope I have the same puzzling longevity as Clamato

Brentweets  I unfollowed 2013.

jenlaw_11  The average person has sex with up to eight spiders per year while sleeping.

Snoveralls  Helvetica in the streets, wingdings in the sheets.

GiggleFactory  here’s a new one of those sentences that contain every letter: Let’s quickly get a very big box of corndawg nuggetz and have a jammin party.

ProBirdRights  more parent tip: Say to child. Did you know that electricicty can be bad? Do not put face inside.

introvertedwife  Well, that’s the last time I use a recipe from the Necronomnomnomicon.

theewren  Don’t judge a book by its lack of cover, words, spine, illustrations, oh god, this is a snake

DJRotaryRachel  Not saying your kid is a brat but I just saw an Oompa Loompa blow into a pitch pipe.

twelveyearsold  in their lifetime, the average person swallows 8 spiders while asleep, 14 while awake, a further 6 deep-fried and 2½ rectally

apodixis  I don’t get people who don’t like kids. It’s human adults that are really terrible.

rstevens  The food you make is equal to the poop you take.

whitegirlfish “When there was only one set of footprints in the sand… That was from when I unfollowed you”

What is Follow Friday? It’s a blog series I created a few years ago based on a Twitter meme.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness hereWould you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!

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