Follow Friday: Roses

Have a great weekend!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

annetdonahue  Maybe Liam Neeson threatens to use his special set of skills because everyone keeps insisting on speaking to him over the phone.

badbanana  Jurassic World prediction: Chris Pratt says “HOLD ON TO JUR-ASSES!” at least seven times.

trumpetcake  Was told I could not wear my “saggy leather pants” into JARED® but the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even wearing pants.

CornOnTheGoblin  Lets talk about fish baby Lets talk about anchovies Lets talk about marlins, mackerels, tuna, bass mouths carp, jelly Lets talk about fish

StacyRumaker To the sign spinner pretending it’s a guitar: you are a delight.

wonderella  Hope Dawn of Justice will finally give us Batman’s origin story

MrsFridayNext  My Favorite Pen is MISSING and I Have to Take Action Items at This Staff Meeting: A Tragedy in Three Acts.

realalanstanwyk  Things have been going a lot better since I started holding up signs with emojis on them during therapy.

BridgetCallahan  Letterman’s Last Top Ten: the 10 Commandments, and he reads them aloud in Babylonian.

audipenny  Every time 2 guys in a backwards hats high five, The Lord cries out a whole American flag from His eyes

sbellelauren  great thanks for spoiling letterman for everyone on the west coast now we know he quits ugh

Are_Kelly  What idiot called it a circle jerk instead of a Sir Cum…ference

NicestHippo  When it comes to dating I play hard to like

BtotheD  I guess I really just want to do something important with my life so I have a reason to write a memoir and title it, “Memoir and Peace.”

trumpetcake  Spider-Man laid eggs in my ear. :(

behindyourback  I just want/Anybody else/When I think about you/I hate myself

Fauxedo  If I ever went on Antiques Roadshow I would bring a jewelry box or something and hide a turd in it and then wait

MagpieLibrarian  I’m not your GRANDMA’S LIBRARIAN lulz bc she’s probably dead s

xzqx  I am full of can’t!

InternetEh   “FDR’s bones!” is a common expletive among Democrats

respected_loner  ma’am, your husband.. he– *takes off hat* he’s in this hat

HMittelmark  The Matrix, except the Machines live off our content.

vornietom  I’m a huge bibliophile (love to fuck books)

Elizasoul80  [Puts away one load of laundry] “Good lord, I’m dying.”

donni  People say “the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing!” like that’s a surprise. News flash, folks! Hands are dumb!

EconomyBeyonce  An app that reminds you that you ate a lot of beets yesterday and are not in fact dying out the butt.

joshgondelman  It’s amazing that I can type without looking at the keyboard, but I just spent five minutes chasing a lone pea around my plate with my fork.

Marlebean  Mocking Canada is my “favourite”.

SongsOfKat  A cat is my favorite white noise machine.

ProBirdRights  I will chase you Dortito. I will chase you from here to cornternity.

Dawn_M_  Just talked a wolf into buying a shirt with me howling on the front of it.

pleatedjeans  [holds up ring] Will you marry me? OMG YES [slips ring on finger] [she gains +2 intelligence and changes her mind]

Reverend_Scott  how to ask out a girl: 1. approach girl 2. wait slow down 3. um, u passed her 4. this is a vending machine 5. ok mini donuts are good too

aparnapkin  There should be a Smoky the Bear for not over-replacing hotel towels&linens. Im thinking Trashy the Pillow. Wine-stained & slightly off msg.

cloudypianos  him: it’s only twitter me: it’s only the darkest corners of my heart and soul exhibited to you without pretense him:… me: and jokes

TheCatWhisprer  Recruiters should really put less emphasis on words typed per minute and more on the ability to microwave popcorn without burning it.

wordlust  Always a peacock, never a pea.

okjonblair  “I’m not Mad, I’m Disappointed.” – Dad Max

BuckyIsotope  Cause the waiters gonna wait wait wait wait wait And the chefs are gonna plate plate plate plate plate Shake the salt shake the salt

FuckTyping  I like to use CoffeeMate™ products because it sounds like I want to fuck my coffee. Which I do.

heatherlou_  “IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

papasuncle  If you’re looking to blame someone for an earthquake, it’s probably San Andreas fault.

bombsfall  straight up killing work tonight rolling the body of work in plastic putting work in the trunk and driving out to a remote swamp dropping wo

runolgarun  crap, I googled “should I drink expired cough syrup” and now the NSA is gonna know I’m a high-functioning adult.

finchlynch  “There’s only two ways to do something: with your sunglasses forward-facing, or with your sunglasses backwards-facing.” – Sir Guy Fieri

Cheeseboy22 For every slice of cheese I cut for my sandwich, I eat a slice. I feel like this is what God wants me to do.

plasticdeer  What’s a good age to tell your children the universe is a giant projected hologram?

BuckyIsotope  [first date] Did you know you can fill your cargo shorts up with unlimited salad and breadsticks and they can’t stop you? My dad’s a lawyer.

annetdonahue  Also The Affair is a really great show and does a very good job of making me realize I am/always will be way too tired to have an affair.

CakeThrottle  The entrance to the Times Square Applebee’s should be a magic portal back to whatever state you’re visiting from

Karate_Horse  Date Advice: do not go on the date

BAKKOOONN  congrat to singer john legend on the birth of his three sons: monomyth creation legend, castlevania legend, and legend of the mystical ninja

fuzzytypewriter  Enjoying an ice cream sandwich but have to be really careful because my case makes my iPhone look like an additional ice cream sandwich.

JerryThomas Bouncy castles are a great place for children to get injured in a safe environment.

donni  Live fast, die young. Live slow, die old. Live however, die regardless

cloudypianos  “Hi, it’s Claudia with a C, and an I and a U” *winks maniacally*

onedumbshark  It was the *armpit fart* of times, it was the *overwrought groan* of times.

jordan_stratton  A moment of silence for all the children who have seriously injured themselves trying to replicate Kevin McCallister’s genius.

AtmanThakrar  Age 10: I will move to America and study law. Age 29: I better lick the salad dressing from my Tupperware so I don’t have to wash it.

ProfessorSnack How to catch hermit crabs: First, find a hermit…

OhNoSheTwitnt  Hi, you’ve reached my actual voice. Sorry I answered your call. Please leave a message after I hang up and send your next call to voicemail.

UncleDynamite  When a baby with a roaring cold sneezes into your eyes, that’s the day you realize how seriously you’ve offended God.

mylifesuckers  I listened to a workout video today. That counts, right?

mitdasein  I came here to chew bubblegum and fight narcolepsy, and I’m

EmVeeGreen  iPhone screen cracked. Continuing to use it until my fingerprints are shaved off is still preferable to taking 2 kids to the Apple Store

rstevens  If you think about it, Buzzfeed is just another word for flowers

KalvinMacleod  [stranded on a desert island with a beautiful woman] HER: It looks like it’s just the two of us ME: *holding up sock puppet* Don’t forget me

theawkwardful  Got a paper cut so deep it started reading poetry to me

edotwoods  Work medium. Play medium.

TweetsByTheTony  Sorry I keep getting fleek on everything.

SomeChrisTweets  Art can make you cry.Art can make you drive home from the museum in silence.Art can take the dog & block your number.Art I miss you so much.

weinerdog4life  We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and the moon, what the fuck is it doing?

SomeChrisTweets  When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

Ristolable  You never get over some things. But be cool. You can pretend you’re okay until you get to die.

KeetPotato  wife: [making weird face as she tries the cake i made] “it tastes funny” me: [nodding] “i put bees in it”

weinerdog4life  Back in my day we had to stick our dicks in regular flashlights

CackleClub Adulthood is reality’s inside joke

mattZillaaaa  If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m always here to find someone else for you to talk to

BenAshauer  Half of me wants to get rid of my beer gut. The other half of me is my beer gut.

jimmy_sharpe  Be the thing in the world you want to see in the world you want to see.

ProBirdRights  Automated doors do not open for me????? More like inconvenience store I SO CLOSE TO CHIPS BUT SO FAR AWAY

louisvirtel  If you put together all of Ann Coulter’s quotes, you get one average YouTube comment.

MrsTomServo  [phone tucked against shoulder] I didn’t forget how to ride a bike, MOM. It’s just my cape got *yanks* my cape got stuck in the chain.

WhatUpWithMike  wife did not enthusiastically applaud last night’s attempt to lullaby the baby by singing “the night is dark and full of terrors”.

TySmithdrums  When you’re sad imagine a baby otter using a stethoscope and it’s little hands to crack a safe.

saladinahmed  reports of a bearded man eating up his kids’ cocoa puffs while they’re at school totally unfounded

johnmoe  Pro tip: the uppermost part of a pro.

Spidey004  I found a penny and it really is true what they say, “Find a penny, pick it up, and all day you’ll have a filthy penny you don’t even want.”

sarcasmically  This isn’t a Waffle House, it’s a Waffle *Home*.

weinerdog4life I went to the gym today, just kidding I went to the park and yelled at birds

Tw1tter_K1tten  Stood in line at Walmart for so long today, they tried to take my health insurance away.

ProBirdRights  I found some butterfly now all I need is some biscuitfly and maybe a couple of jam beetle

Sickayduh  A rectal scan on a puppy is a colonAWWWscopy

omically  Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family. The perfect murder.

UnFitz  Sorry I couldn’t hear your cry for help over my louder and more panicky cry for help.

HyenaEars  The path of least resistance always has the most melted cheese.

weinerdog4life When you meet new people don’t tell them you’re not a robot, that sounds like something a robot would say

WheelTod “SHOW US YOUR TITS!!,” I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.

PleasantThinker  So does the Count from Sesame st. drink blood too? Is…Is that why they always have different kids on the show?!

abbycohenwl  *releases helium-filled heart balloon* Me: You’re free now. Balloon: Ima choke a bird.

Sickayduh “Detective, we’ve found what looks like an animal’s hind leg” /What makes you think that?/”It’s just a haunch”

Little Big's Tweet of the Week

jessokfine  A reverse mortgage is actually a sex thing.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Scrapbook: Home Life

I haven’t done a Home Life post in awhile and I missed it. Some of these photos are from awhile ago when my computer wasn’t working. Finding them after forgetting about them feels like finding buried treasure.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...