Today’s post features photos from when I went thrifting with Jenn. Have a great weekend!
What is a Follow Friday post? It’s a blog series I created a few years ago based on a Twitter meme. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!
introvertedwife I come out of the shower to find the dog cuddled around my laptop. What is she planning?
Jedimasterbator Paying my speeding ticket at the courthouse. Jokingly told cashier to hurry it up a bit because I’d parked illegally. Ticket reduced by 35%!
BillCorbett To reflect my general feeling about phone calls, new ringtone is John McEnroe yelling at chair ump “YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!”
InternetEh #WeCanLandOnACometButWeCant even
kerihw perhaps she is displaying her swollen anus in this way as a submissive gesture and we should accept by making ourselves look big
SpaghettiJesus What stupid idiot asshole called it Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 and not Ciao Bella? Twihards will get this.
nevesytrof Cardamom is a lovely spice and also a nice thing to do to make her feel better about her age.
Smug_Lemur Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
mjmetts “Your unsubscribe request was successful! Please allow 5-10 years for your request to be processed.”
badbanana Next, let’s see if we can put Ryan Seacrest on a comet.
mrpilkington I’ve called this same wrong number 3 times. The guy who answers and I developed a friendship. By that I mean he wishes I would stop calling.
NicestHippo I simultaneously believe I’m the smartest and dumbest person who ever lived. Your move, psychiatry.
sbellelauren almost got out of bed phew that was close
kellyasterisk Anything is possible if you Coffee
CarriePotter_ *man shares his experience of having his feelings hurt by feminism*
me: ok but what were u wearing
him: why does it matter
me: were u drunk
Smug_Lemur That 37th cup of coffee was a mistake.
zipoffs in case somebody needs to know which disease sounds most like guacamole you can tell them it’s glaucoma
iamnotchjohnson Dwayne #RejectedMuppets
Tyler_Holme Donald Trump’s Hairpiece #RejectedMuppets
gradet Notorious B.I.G. Bird #RejectedMuppets
ComedyCentral Abby Cadaver #RejectedMuppets
timeblimp Just A Big Ball Of Googly Eyes #RejectedMuppets
etherbrian I think Kurt Vonnegut said it best when he said it through an empty paper towel tube.
trypnotik I self-censored a Facebook comment today. It felt good. Like I was helping the wold know that I’m not that ignorant.
bombsfall ah yes i remember 1994. the easy plane boarding. the gap clothing. the brown lipstick.
onenjen I’m all about that bass, ’bout that bass, no salmon.
donni I muted Kim and Kardashian years ago but now you assholes have forced me to mute “butt.” This is a sad day.
danforthfrance Call me old fashioned, but I prefer a great big ass have a natural matte finish. You know, the ass next door sorta thing.
notnowthankyou I don’t know much about women… No, that’s the whole tweet.
schmutzie Somehow hipster fashion has gone from shades of old-timey and lumberjack to straight up where’s Waldo.
Caissie I feel bad for Kim Kardashian because even though her butt looks beautiful, it doesn’t have a hole in it. :(
annetdonahue YOU WOULDN’T DOWNLOAD A BUTT
VaguelyFunnyDan My “table to farm” restaurant is closing Sunday. Apparently guests were thrown by having their food taken away mid-meal & shipped to farms.
tastefactory You know opossums aren’t good lovers because the O is silent.
donni Just answered the phone at work. The caller gasped “Oh no!” and hung up. I was like “Same”
ProBirdRights If you maybe see a corm bread with legs making rapid egress from a bakery, please disregard. it is none of you concern.
TheLDPage Fill your heart with bees. If someone breaks your heart, then they have to deal with the bees.
boominonion Pretty sure a teenage boy named the whales. For example:
AndyRichter My wife is an excellent mother, & I try to be the best father I can be because fuck her she’s not going to beat me at this
rzarosco Guy Fieri happened because some Cheetos got in a punch fight with a taco supreme
Slennon_ what idiot called it a motorcycle and not a street-doo
Cheeseboy22 I get scared when someone yells at me on the freeway. Thank you veterans, for being 1,000 times braver than me.
murrman5 *watches as you squint while looking at my résumé*
“they’re 5’s, the S key on my keyboard is broke”
dciskey We at the Ciskeys have listened to over 20 models of leaf blower and our recommendation is: get a rake.
introvertedwife It’s one thing to curse a bracer or ring that you can’t remove, but what if you cursed pants? You’ll be running to get that fixed fast.
sad_tree 10 years ago we had Hope, Jobs, and Cash and now we have noth- *sees Doritos flavored Mountain Dew* Nm. I take it back. Thank you Mr. Obama.
danforthfrance People think I’m smart but I’m watching a documentary on the history of mankind and just said, “I wonder who invented the onion ring.”
jordan_stratton There’s no place like home. I mean, unless you live in a duplex. Then there’s exactly one other place like home.
IjeomaOluo When you make a beautiful Italian pasta dish for you family and your son says “you know what would make this REALLY good? Fried rice.”
Cheeseboy22 Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
rzarosco I don’t put my pants on like everyone else I split my body in half and shove each side up a foot hole from the bottom unlike you pussies.
LisaMcIntire Ugh typo in previous tweet, deleting it, running to the woods, shunning society from now on
wutangcher I hated art history bc it’s like “look at the art REALLY closely. u kno why there are 6 marbles in that bowl? the pope wanted it that way”
RxitWounds “Bro, is your fly down?” *I look at my fly who gives me the nod* “Yeah man he’s down. Let’s go”
Patheticist Polar Vortex sounds like a cool skateboarding bear from the 80’s.
iamcaroline friday friday gotta get down on friday hide your kids hide your wife because a potato flew around my room too0o ma-ny cooks.
louisvirtel At her “craziest,” Taylor Swift gives us an average Pink video.
nevesytrof I love going to work, or as I call it, the Ant-Free Zone.
ElleOhHell If you can’t handle my wurst, you don’t deserve my schnitzel.
murrman5 [after finding out baby carrots are just regular carrots cut that way]
coworker: you ok?
me: I think. how *starts to get up* long was I out?
HonestToddler Asked her to put me down and she put me down. I don’t know sometimes it’s like she doesn’t even know me.
kibblesmith It’s not eyeliner it’s guyliner
It’s not a romance it’s a bromance
It’s not a sandwich it’s a manwich
I’m not insecure I’m masculinsecure
InfiniteChicken You didn’t hear the sizzle noise, but when I licked my finger and then touched myself, that is indeed what happened.
ianhmg I don’t have mad skills, I have disappointed skills.
danforthfrance I wouldn’t want to come back as a squirrel. Have you seen those little dudes? They work HARD.
matthaig1 Libraries aren’t just about books. They are almost the only public space we have left which don’t like our wallets more than us.
1chillboy they say elvis died on the toilet, but it is there, sir, where I’ve truly lived
JosephScrimshaw Come here you giant cup of beautiful coffee and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.
jimmy_sharpe A spidey sense, but for bacon sandwiches.
annetdonahue I use Mail Chimp. For its pool. It thinks we’re friends, but I just want to go swimming.
iboudreau I’ve been told I could be a hand model. Mostly for workplace safety PSAs though.
dubouchet My cat Thumbs spoke his first human words the other night, and it was the entire song ‘Plush’ by Stone Temple Pilots! Such a cliché.
Krud Until I was about 12, I thought one of my favorite singers was named Mario Speedwagon.
usedwigs “Manly, let’s go skinny dipping.” – Laura Ingalls Wilder
“Manly, let’s go skinny dipping then murder Nellie.” – Laura Ingalls Wildest
annetdonahue Do you think Matthew McConaghey will talk to himself while flying the spaceship like he does in those car commercials or no
biorhythmist I want to be cremated. *checks schedule* maybe Tuesday
VaguelyFunnyDan Mia pulled away, biting her bottom lip and sliding her panties over her hips, revealing herself to Liam. It was a vagina! Like, right there!
EmilyHenryWrite At dinner with my family and my dad just managed to fling an olive across the restaurant so now I understand genetics.
-One ticket for the Bacon Cruise.
-Sir, this is a movie theater. Those are just the actors’ names on the poster.
-I’d like to see a manager.
courtney_s 80s fashion wasn’t meant to be repeated it was something we were meant to LEARN from and be SORRY FOR
johnmoe “Our street gang is all set. Now we just need a really creative original hand signal.” “Uhhh how about pointing an index finger?”
PrettyAllTrue “Mother, I figured out how to make cake flour! I am like a god!” -Cooking at our house.
rstevens All the world’s a spreadsheet
mitdasein American flag bandanas are the best because nothing says “I love this country” like using its symbol to absorb sweat and postpone shampooing
badbanana Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Cheeseboy22 Write all you want, but I stop reading your Facebook status updates after 140 characters.
willgoldstein I now own three LG appliances with the same “I’m done cleaning your stuff” song. My life goal is to time it so they play it in round.
RandiLawson Don’t be too hard on yourself when you’re not feeling creative. There are literally 2 major league baseball teams named after sock colors.
mitdasein Ah, the 90s. It’s all just a blur of faxing heroin from one startup to another.
johnmoe I want to quit Twitter entirely. Therefore I will quit for at least an hour.
VioletThunk Inside a urethra, it’s hollow ween every day!
introvertedwife Ah, curry. You look like baby vomit but taste like angel vomit.
boominonion I want to live in a world where anacondas are native to Djibouti.
deardilettante The most efficient way to deal with voicemails is to put your phone in the driveway & back over it with your car.
BillCorbett Say a prayer for all the babies of this generation being named Bazinga.
iboudreau I’ll say this for Kim Kardashian – she makes me realize I should do things other than Twitter.
SamGrittner [commercial] A tired woman is dragging a coffin into the forest. “There’s got to be a better way!” NARRATOR: Introducing, sleeping bags
man_spach American Horror Story: Voicemail Notification
dubouchet I heard a rumor that Sir Richard Branson offered Robert Plant 800 million dollars to stuff Richard Gere up his butt.
SamGrittner Dating Tip: If you like someone and get their number, wait a week before never calling them. People love it when you play impossible to get.
tanehisicoates Always amazing to hear folks condemn Kwanzaa as “made up” because other holidays are, of course, the product of Newtonian physics…
kellydeal There are only 3 guarantees in life: death, taxes, and guacamole is extra.
hatethedrake “My ideal woman? Well, it’s just me in a dress and heels with a bow on my head. Oh and fake eyelashes.” -Mickey Mouse
sad_tree He was taken from us way too late. #RIPDonaldTrump
AstroKatie New Graphic Compares Comet #67P to Size of Emptiness in Your Soul
10isMike Wait so somebody landed a comet on Kim Kardashian’s ass? (I slept all day.)
BuckyIsotope A horror movie that’s just 2 hours of people opening cans of refrigerated biscuit dough.
ProfessorSnack I didn’t name either of my boys after me because I didn’t want to eventually have to give up my email address.
VaguelyFunnyDan So we can land a spaceship on a comet but we can’t make a simple kitten-sized elephant?
himissjulie From now on whenever I see “not all men” I’m just going to mentally replace it with “too many cooks.”
TheThomason If you suddenly see colored lights and White Rabbit begins to play, odds are the drugs you took were in a movie.
bombsfall “Have you seen Aragorn?”
“Actually around here folks call him Strider.”
“I have literally no idea.”
“Did he come up with this?”
iamchrisscott Call it a “treadmill” all you want, I know a somersault machine when I see one.
mtobey In England, a Fleshlight is called a Blowtorch.