My friend Jacob’s Grandma was having a huge yard sale, and since I was unable to get away due to the kids and Anthony’s possible appendicitis, he kindly texted me photos of some of the tables so I could virtually pick out what I wanted and he would set it aside for me. “But first,” he said, “I have something to show you.”
It was The Feeder (For People)–pure vintage Thrift Store Gore. It was brand new, still in the box. A testament to a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist. Grandmas will think it perfect. Because Grandma is a grandma, she had kept it stored safely away, in its box, which is the best part, all these years. I ask Jacob if he ever remembers using it, and he said, “Not ever. It arrived at her yard sale mysteriously, like a magical artifact.” A connection to the Illuminati has been suggested. Look at the shape of the box, for example. Triangular!
(Unrelated to The Feeder, Isobel appears in these photos wearing her Super Hero costume because I took these photos before school started when she still got dressed into her hero costume everyday. It’s not relevant to the story here but I felt like it was such an obvious feature in the photos it’d be weird not to mention.)
There are so many things to say about The Feeder (For People) that I don’t even know where start.
Party sensation! Guest pleaser! Nothing makes a guest feel more comfortable or welcome than saying, “I don’t trust you to eat food in my home!! Please eat out of this inconvenient plastic phallus!!” The person who designed this thought it such a good idea that they ran out and registered for a patent. I’m only guessing here, but I think the reason it’s called The Feeder (For People) is that there was probably already a patent out on a device called “The Feeder.” Maybe it was a pet treat dispenser or a hamster or bird feeder. Who knows, but I’m assuming it had to do with animals since they had to specify it was (For People).
It’s touted as being a great idea but really, it’s such a terrible one. It might save some pretzels from falling into the floor, but it’s pretty inconvenient to use. I mean, a kid might like it. I guess. As a novelty. But it says on the box you can store flour and sugar in it, which is such a terrible idea that if someone asked me to come up with the stupidest ideas of what to store in here I’d probably say flour or sugar. How would you even get loose powder or grains into the dispenser? And getting it out to use it? The box boasts it is also great for storing pins, buttons, and soaps! Because you want to teach your children that The Feeder (For People) is for delicious candies, then psych them out by filling it with delicious soap. That’ll learn them!
And pins? Pins?! The only way to get them out would cause bodily harm.
The Feeder (For People), a must in every home!! The box makes some incredible promises. Can’t it just admit that it really has one purpose that it does only moderately well and leave it at that? It practically offers to do my taxes and make me the most popular kid on the block. They make a big deal of it being “shatterproof”, but really all that means is that it’s made of plastic. Their marketing team was working overtime for this baby.
The kid on the box is using it next to the pool, which it not only disgusting, but I want to know who is you so damn lazy that you can’t make your kid get out of the pool to eat something. The last thing I want floating past me while I’m swimming is a bloated cracker that escaped The Feeder (For People), because if you’ve ever been around children for any length of time, you know that that is bound to happen.
But, what about the children? Maybe The Feeder (For People) is something I can’t understand but children just love, like Gogurt. I showed it to Isobel before lunch and she was so so excited when she saw the box she insisted we open it immediately. I understood why when I pulled it out of the box and she was visibly crushed. She did not give a Pikachu’s ass about The Feeder (For People). She thought it would be full of the colorful candy pictured on the box. I suggested we fill it with other treats so she could try it out. I was anxious for her to use it to see for myself. Did it have any intrinsic value at all?
It took some convincing, but she reluctantly agreed to try it. I filled it with Goldfish crackers. She tilted it over and shook a few crackers out. She looked at the few crackers in her hand, and back at The Feeder (For People).
“UGH!” Isobel sighed. “Why don’t we just dump all this in a bowl?”
And I don’t want to snark on a child, but they chose the worst photo of a boy to feature on the front of the box. His crazy-focused stare and his mouth-breathing expression seem to communicate a zombie-like fixation on The Feeder (For People), as if that’s the only way he’s given nourishment. The caption reads, “Game Room Pleaser,” but it should say something like “Must… feed.” Also, I wish they wouldn’t use the word “pleaser.” It’s making me uncomfortable. The box also lists it’s a party sensation, and I know when I look at that kid’s face I think that yeah, that kid is totally experiencing a party sensation right now. At his grandma’s house.
I don’t know. The face is sort of cute. I can imagine it as part of decoration in a kitchen maybe. Is that crazy?
Perhaps not as crazy as using it.