Today’s post features hungry goats, Isobel’s favorite attraction at the San Francisco Zoo. Have a great weekend!
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!
littlehipsqks a single milano cookie just fell out of a ridiculously skinny girls purse, and I feel like the world is OK.
jennyvsjenny the secret to perfect eggs is to pretend the cafe owner you worked for in 2002 is standing behind you criticizing everything you do
michaeljnelson Did you know that “sadly pulls sock off genitals” is the most common stage direction in the works of Shakespeare?
MmeSurly what’s my brand? I just stapled my pants shut
MommyMG I had a vivid dream last night about tweeting, so basically, I really need IRL friends.
000___000 i wake up at 4:30 in the morning so i can be by myself for a few hours before i’m by myself for the remainder of the day also
michaelseidel Don’t want to live in a world where a softball team is practicing at 7:17 on a Monday morning but alas.
blueloggy My son just referred to a cross shape as a “Jesus peace symbol” so I guess you’ve won, Christians.
bulls_horns Damn girl you must be my brain cuz you’re really fucked up.
apelad Ken Burns should make a documentary about Ken Burns. He could call it Ken Burns: a Film by Ken Burns and do all the narration himself.
ChrisSerico If your tweet has a typo in it, just do what I do: Delete it, write a corrected one, and set yourself on fire.
nataliejanette McKinley just told me she’s the mom & I’m the dad. So if you need me, I’ll just be right here on the couch for the rest of the day.
stellar225 I’ve done dishes two days in a row. The apocalypse is nigh.
ScrewyDecimal I have mosquito bites in places that make me think the mosquito should have bought me dinner first.
mitdasein Bikini Area 51
000___000 they should invent one of those icee machines that dispenses icee frozen beverages except it’s not always broken
mitdasein If there’s no God, then why do human eyes fit in a melon baller? HUH?
introvertedwife Damn, someone followed and unfollowed me in under an hour. I think that deserves some kind of trophy.
IGotsSmarts I find it hard to believe a turtle painted the Sistine Chapel.
RorynotRoy I get frustrated with my dog for smelling the same bushes over and over again, but this is like the 30th time that I’ve seen The Sandlot.
marcellacomedy Your positive quotes are motivating me to delete you.
shariv67 Leave empty beers and condom wrappers near my grave so people know someone fun is buried there.
annetdonahue Today we get to ask the question “Doctor Who?” and really mean it.
MmeSurly guess how many tries it took me to get my butt into this chair. wrong. three.
ApparentlyAmber I’m officially “terrified that any new pain will be a FOREVER pain” years old.
DavePolak I just found a dollar bill in a clean sock. I can’t fucking explain that one.
JournalismJunk I’ve got Robin Thicke hair and a Robin Leach body. Get at me, ho bags and the elderly.
ScottLinnen It’s not delivery. It’s someone breaking in.
mitdasein Will the Avatar sequels make sense if I never saw the first one and don’t see the sequels either?
ProfessorSnack My epitaph will be “Now THIS is a subtweet”.
bombsfall my dungeon monster game concept ain’t gonna think about itself and never get made
johnmoe I bet the guy who came up with Crystal Pepsi really resents what a hit Crystal Meth has become.
michaeljnelson I overuse the phrase “I thought a lot about it” as though it adds moral weight. “Thought a lot about it, decided everyone but me must die”
donni Singles in your Area 51 are DYING of UFO crash-related injuries
luckyshirt Someone should make a Wii game where you just walk around in a Whole Foods and slap people.
burnstand I’m thinking a painting of Worf and Kor returning the Bat’leth of Kahless to the emperor, in the style of Anton Von Werner
jwoodham DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
weinerdog4life You say potato and I say potato, then we kiss, the year is 2154, potato has replaced nearly every word.
MightyHunter The next person who correctly predicts the newest parody twitter account probably spends too much time watching the 24-hour news cycle.
trumpetcake It finally happened. My beard has invaded my brain. #Headache
usedwigs Just saw a golf umbrella so big smaller umbrellas were moving in orbit around it.
runawaycupcake Taco Bell has been remodeled. Looks like Taj MaTaco. Still great food if you’re constipated.
MrMichaelSpicer Dominos should realise starting emails with ‘Dear Pizza Lover’ is not a warm greeting, more a hurtful attack. Oh wait, this is from my wife.
annetdonahue “The sooner you get ready, the sooner you can get a McLobster” is a thought I just had as human being.
LSH85 next time you think humans are the paragon of evolution, watch me use a three-hole punch
MariaMelee Handsome contractor just asked me if he could park in my driveway while he works my pole. “Yes,” I said, a little too loudly. “That’s fine.”
theneener Relaxed so hard, I’m sore. Did I do it right?
marlespo Masturbating Gerbil Man #FailedSuperheroConcepts
Martinquinn66 Mighty Morphin’ Flower Arrangers #FailedSuperheroConcepts
baleheadmaria Second Lieutenant America #FailedSuperheroConcepts
pchallinor Splainerman #failedsuperheroconcepts
badongism Good eBay feedback man #failedsuperheroconcepts
YoPaulieNJ Carlos Danger #failedsuperheroconcepts
remittancegirl The Gutsy Grammarian #failedsuperheroconcepts
kennethhite D.A.R.E. Devil #failedsuperheroconcepts
NMamatas Glen Danzig With a Stungun #failedsuperheroconcepts
TomTaylorMade Manman #FailedSuperheroConcepts
bluefootedtitty I put my underwear on just like everybody else, over the top of my pants. No? Just me? Christ I miss Krypton.
5hael p e o p l e t h a t t w e e t l i k e t h i s h a v e w a y t o o m u c h s p a r e t i m e . t h i s t o o k t w o d a y s
apelad If it’d been made in the 50s, Pacific Rim would’ve been about Robby the Robot fighting superimposed shrimp.
kateleth My mutant power is forgetting to respond to emails
theleanover Who’s the cellist with broad appeal to the 18 – 24 demographic? Yo-Lo Ma.
wordlust A watched pot sometimes calls you a stalker.
apelad The sun calls sunglasses “me glasses.”
bazecraze It’s sad how gay marriage is destroying Anthony Weiner’s straight marriage.
AbbyHasIssues Spent a lot of time today wondering why crepes aren’t called “Frenchiladas.”
earthfalcon33 sure, smoking cigs will kill me, but so will DMX when he finds out what i wrote about him in this Arby’s bathroom stall
ders808 Gummi bears work like fingertips on iPhones. You’re welcome.
pnkrcklibrarian England is up! Time for bed.
?jenstatsky Your bank should email you an alert when you have enough money to raise a child.
wordlust To make a long story short, have a heart attack while telling it.
manspeaker Sometimes my life makes very little sense. *straps on trampoline shoes and hops down the street in a cape* See ya suckers!
johnmoe You know what? Just dress for the job you can realistically hold down for at least a little while. Make it easier on all of us.
foxxandfeather “Drunk Dancing White Girls” should be a TV show. I’d watch it at 3AM.
JermHimselfish Toupees should be called bare skin rugs.
MommyMG Matt’s outside teaching Allie how to hit a baseball but she keeps missing because she won’t stop picking flowers. Those are my genes at work.
PolyesterPony Friday night, getting drunk with my mother. Come get this.
mitdasein Artisanal drugs: where free-base meets free-range.
badbanana Headline: “Men Over 40 Should Think Twice About Running Triathlons.” WAY AHEAD OF YOU, HEADLINE
HonestToddler Parent Tip: In the toddler community, saying “We’ll see” is the equivalent of knowingly writing a bad check.
markleggett One does not simply twerk into Mordor.
laurenbutt how many vegetable servings are in grape Laffy Taffy
WhirledRecord My retirement plan is to yell at kids when their ball lands in my yard.
NeatoVito I’m not saying that theater was old but they asked us to silence our pagers and we saw a trailer for Waterworld.
LisaGoodwin1 Marriage is all about who sighs the loudest
morninggloria Business idea: Glamour Shots for dick pics.
BuckyIsotope Girl are you the guitar solo in an R.E.M. Song? Because I really want you but you don’t exist.
Molly_Kats My upstairs neighbor probably needs a zoning permit to run her bowling alley above where I sleep.
twelveyearsold “ok, baby got head… baby got torso… baby got legs… baby got arms… baby got back…” – dr mix-a-lot, OB’s checklist
SciencePorn Do we know any jokes about sodium? Na.
SciencePorn We wanted to make one more chemistry joke, But all the good ones Argon.
hipstermermaid I’d be more willing to have kids if they came with a silent/vibrate setting.
annetdonahue When will rappers start bragging about the real luxuries like cookies for breakfast and afternoon naps on a weekday?
roaringblood TOP 10 COOLEST PLACES TO BARF IN EPCOT 10) In that lake 9) At the Japan taiko drum show 8-3) Spaceship Earth 2) Innoventions 1) In any line
iboudreau My Friday night was pretty awesome. I had a nap.
sgnp Hey (and sleep well) Haters Turn off your screen light Finish up, masturbators Internet goodnight
bucktoothmama I could be wrong, but if you have a song to share & that song is on the didgeridoo, I don’t think we would hit it off.
lasertron Alice could not have acted more goth at the huge family party we went to tonight, I am so proud
babybabylemon Spencer just declared these the best oatmeal raisin cookies ever! Probably because they’re chocolate chip.