When Isobel was a few months old I did the most logical thing any new parent would do: I created a twitter account for her. I updated it sporadically with tweets based on things I assumed she was thinking with her adorable, sadistic little baby brain. As she grew I stopped using it to record things I thought she was saying and replaced it with actual things she says. I decided her profile picture should match mine so last Christmas I photographed her wearing the same bear ears I wear. She looks so much older now, though, that I decided to update this photo again, but this time with better lighting.
Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!
MrWordsWorth Things have to be bad for Paula Deen when Fox News isn’t offering her her own nightly show.
johnmoe One of the reasons I miss my Sonics is that right now they’d be drafting an 8-foot-tall Belgian who didn’t know what basketball was.
runawaycupcake One way to cut ahead in a long line is to tap each person on the shoulder and whisper “Excuse me, gotta poop,” “Excuse me, gotta poop,”…
badbanana My knee makes a cool “ripping” sound when I bend it, so don’t tell me getting old isn’t cool.
ShesAllWrite If you give me a bunch of shit I don’t deserve, here’s what will happen: You will get it all back on your lap with a few bonus turds. Enjoy!
Soulsmithy Occasionally I realize I know people who destroy wristwatches with their personal magnetic fields and wonder how we can harness this power.
runawaycupcake Apparently saying “Welcome to In & Out how may I help you” every time you drop your pants isn’t good foreplay.
MrsFridayNext All percussion for Maggie & The Junk Foodies will consist entirely of Pringle-container castanets and hand claps.
MassageByTed Check your Bible again, ma’am. I think you’ll see that it defines marriage as one humidifier, one dehumidifier, and a working sump pump.
brianadamsboone Language constantly evolves. For example, “sportsmanlike conduct” now means “has killed a guy.”
aurosan Women are not a “special interest” group. They make up half the damn population.
lizzwinstead One thing we may wanna take a look at is what eating corn dogs may do to you brain.
eenereener Adulthood: updating apps every goddamned second.
suebob Rick Perry was so stupid during the Presidential campaign that we questioned his sobriety. Things have not changed.
annetdonahue The Beatles are more popular than Yeezus.
Cheesegod69 Yes I want some bee vomit in my hot leaf water
ErockGasoline *feels 100 phantom rings a day* *misses every actual call*
jenstatsky Ever actually tried taking candy from a baby? Pretty tough, those suckers love candy & aren’t afraid to make a scene. Anyway, I’m in jail.
matsholberg Only after saying ‘Flock of Horses’ a few times did I realize I was conflating band names.
owlparliament Imagine, if you will, a life before Greek yogurt.
mitdasein girl are you oasis cuz i feel like i heard all this before
abbytron Either my upstairs neighbor is making shepherd’s pie right now, or my cat smells really delicious.
mrpilkington As far as trends go where are we on bread being fashionable?
ProfessorSnack It’s nice that every now and then Twitter feeds shift from SCROTUS to SCOTUS for a couple of days.
MrWordsWorth You always remember that first celebrity you piss off enough to block you on Twitter.
DaveHolmes As we celebrate today, let’s spare a warm thought for our opponents, who have lost absolutely nothing. #DOMA
sbellelauren FINALLY ITS JUST MARRIAGE
JosephScrimshaw The news as reported by that one episode of Star Trek: SCOTUS when DOMA fell! SB5 when Davis stood! CNN with the muffins!
TheBosha Let’s hope at least one same sex couple out there is planning their wedding reception at Chick-Fil-A.
rossluippold Scalia called this “jaw-dropping” which is weird because he normally only unhinges his jaw to eat a whole turkey in one bite
FlyoverJoel I’m pretty excited about DOMA being struck down, but I’m from Cleveland so I have trouble handling emotions related to winning something.
introvertedwife This would be a great time for a rainbow or two over Washington DC. Hint hint, God.
MommyMG Home phone rings: “Hiiii sexy!” the lady answered when I picked up, then “Sorry! Wrong number!” and she hung up. No wait, come back! #bored
woy Somewhere in Sweden, IKEA executives are confused as to why the Supreme Court declared a piece of their furniture unconstitutional. #DOMA
parrygripp For cultivating your weirdo personality disorders, working from home can’t be beat!
QuinnK I never update my Facebook status to say I’m at the gym or just worked out because I want everyone to think I’m this out of shape naturally.
snazzmania silly paula deen, if she had billed herself as a racist from the beginning like ann coulter she’d probably still have a show
ScrewyDecimal “Humor is the best defense” – said by people who can’t afford lightsabers.
Kyle_Lippert Today is so hot that it’s not returning my text messages.
ScrewyDecimal Me: “Okay, 5 more minutes on Twitter, and then I’m going to bed.” *5 minutes pass* *then 5 more* *aliens build a city over my skeleton*
ChaseMit Chicago: Come for the hockey, stay because you’ve been murdered.
isplotchy Deleted 4 tweets because of 1 spelling error. I’m a professional.
iammaylynn I think we should change the term “dick-pics” into “sad-sacks”.
Thing_Finder Home Haircut Tip: Keep cutting until you realize there’s nothing you can do to fix what you have done. Then stop.
bombsfall When I was in third grade I filled up a binder with Ikari Warriors-style maps for a proposed video game called Totally Possum.
sbellelauren i’ve convinced myself the cure for depression lies somewhere at the bottom of this bag of bbq chips
JRehling I tried to pump up the jam, but I jammed up the pump. :(
WhirledRecord Life has two basic stages: 1) In the womb. 2) Ugh.
MrWordsWorth The great irony of The Ramones is that it is the drummers who are still alive.
slackmistress Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so make sure to really dig your fingers in that eyesocket to pull it out!
kdnorthrup Wait. The tagline for this cruise line’s Dora-themed children’s program is Explore Like a Conquistador.
MissLiberty Trying to keep the children’s section straightened makes Sisyphus look like a whiner.
ApocalypseHow I’d have more respect for LinkedIn if you could just update your Skills to “Mad.”
e_sther When you start googling “DIY air conditioners,” it’s a bad sign.
suzelibrarian If I wrote about my Sims’ lives, I’d have a pretty good book.
BeTheBoy Next month I’m moving to an apartment complex. Note to self: If you can’t spot the wacky neighbor, you are the wacky neighbor.
J__Swift I’m eating oatmeal for breakfast every day now because I want to be healthy when I die.
BeTheBoy Legal Question: Is the murder confession in “Bohemian Rhapsody” admissible in court? I ask because I wrote a song called “Bad Stuff I Did.”
TheDoeOrTheDeer I’m gonna go ahead and pretend I didn’t drink a whole cup of coffee with a fly in it.
em2the_gee QUICK! To the FuckThisShitmobile.
apelad Dreamed that I got lost in a NYC Home Depot. Ended up sleeping there. Couldn’t get the phones to work. I give this dream 2 and a half stars.
knottyyarn The biggest fallacy of parenthood is convincing children that millipedes are adorable, boot-wearing creatures deserving of our love.
samanthajcampen Hard to fall back asleep at 5 AM when the chippy bippy birds are making a racket outside my window. It’s like a Disney movie out there.
VaguelyFunnyDan Of all the dads at my preschool I’m pretty much the best dancefighter.
ClakeBent I used to worry about how many followers I had, but then I got a life and went outside. Now I worry about everything.
YesThatAmy Big weekend for some of you, huh? #supermoon #skywire #laundry
telephase Lost my money on a UK betting site, wagering Kim and Kanye would name their daughter Fist of The North Star. #soclose
ohmyrockness North is cool. But I would’ve gone with Fievel Goes.
BrandeePerkins Instagram are you okay?? “Yeah I’m Vine.”
jimmyfairplay I want to go to Australia just to see if my shame spiral goes in the opposite direction.
pelicansado a plague on both crawlspaces
JulieFroolie Are people still installing panic rooms? I’m going with a panic purse.
Molly_Kats Where you headed, dudes driving shirtless? I bet somewhere awesome.
ASpiker When I tell you I can’t attend your social event due to a previous engagement, 75% of the time those “plans” involve napping with cats
VaguelyFunnyDan Every moon’s super if you’re impressed by moons enough.
jenstatsky “I wonder how many of my elementary school teachers are dead,” I, really doing Saturday night right, pondered aloud.
ModernSauce Louis C.K. is my style icon. A minimal, black uniform encasing a bitchy, pale Eeyore is exactly what I’m going for. #fashion
shariv67 My date held the door for me, which would have been really sweet if it wasn’t the revolving kind.
danguterman Is this whupass vegan?
jerryrenek Tomorrow the supermoon will be gone and we’ll all be thinking the same thing: Why didn’t God take Ann Coulter instead?
papersquared Saw something that creeped me out so I’m letting the kid sleep in my bed. She probably hired a ghost just for this reason.
BiIIMurray Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
Parentpains Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented stun guns.
laura_hudson Guys what does it mean that when I make a new friend in real life my immediate response is wanting to send them fruit in Animal Crossing
johnmoe Reasons for rejecting furniture we saw: looks like obesity, looks like a grandma exploded, tippy.
Caissie “If he pulls you onto his lap, he’s DYING FOR YOU TO BACKWARDS HEADBUTT HIM! Don’t ask, just bust his nose!” #MySeductionGuide
NeinQuarterly What Zarathustra said.
robdelaney I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.