VocabuLarry So far no one has mentioned that every framed picture in my office is me.
adamgurri I am awesome at being above the fray until someone on the Internet disagrees with me.
introvertedwife “Can scamps swim? Well only one way to find out.” I am a terrible babysitter.
sgnp I’m now a member of a union. This will be factored into my zombie plan.
lastgoodnerve “Dude Looks Like a Lady” comes on the radio. K sincerely asks if it’s about Justin Bieber because “Seriously mom. Have you seen him?”
Smethanie Thanks, Facebook. I was JUST wishing for an excuse to spend the next 14 months explaining hashtags to my mom!
annetdonahue The Wizard of Oz should’ve ended with Auntie Em explaining why she didn’t take Dorothy to the hospital after being knocked unconscious.
AndyRichter Main reason I don’t believe in conspiracies is I have been around humans while they try to perform tasks as a group. Very clunky.
RideOrDiePudge At church potluck dinners I go by my rap name, Lil Queasy.
wordlust I can’t tell you how many times I’ve failed math.
nayele18 Today a firefighter rescued a baby from a burning building. I ate three pudding cups using only my fingers.
theDanLawler If you wear your jeans backwards, you get a neat little zippy fart vent.
diaper_wolf when i see a baby on the floor i always put my shoe near it with the shoelace untied to test if its a savant. its a test i developed myself
JennyPentland just saw brad pitt on a magazine and think I might be hobosexual
paulapoundstone I’m telling you we had something. It was bigger than both of us. Well, it was bigger than him I’ve gained weight.
EvilSharkey Disappointed that nobody has manufactured a riding lawnmower called the Coupe de Grass.
mikeleffingwell I really relate to the expression “When the cat’s away…” because as a child my cat was constantly traveling for business
MightyHunter I enjoy dropping so-called SAT words into casual conversation. If I don’t derail the conversation by doing so, even better.
introvertedwife I vote the female version of a male’s “Sewing his wild oats” be “Tilling her garden.”
matthaig1 WRITING TIPS: stare out of the window, tweet too much, have bad hair, get stomach pains when another writer wins something, be lonely.
donni Ladies, these pants come all the way off, if you get my drift. I need a belt, ladies.
GoonSquadSarah Once you sing Iron Maiden at karaoke you can pretty much feel good about going home.
cloudcm No need for all the magazines, public bathroom, I can barely stand touching your door handle.
SpaghettiJesus Pls sign my petition to force Amy’s Organic foods to use a glue that is easier to open.
CatherineinAL The A/C is up so high in the car, I feel like Beyonce in a music video.
jeffparker Haves and Have Nots is a false dichoto-whoop, just got picked for the Haves, later proles!
Smethanie My mom just called me at work to tell me something dumb someone at the grocery store did because she thought “it would make a good tweet.”
runawaycupcake In the game of marriage, whomever gets the last fart in is in charge that day.
MrsFridayNext Gift shop named “Coyote Impressions”, I am judging you so hard right now.
WilliamAder Colored salt for old people, so we can tell if we already salted something.
introvertedwife Suburban fantasy is about a pack of werewolves that settle down to raise 2.5 cubs behind a white picket doggie door.
slackmistress I can’t believe that there hasn’t been an online petition to stop the NSA just like the ones that fixed climate change and cured cancer.
Brohamulet Oh, what? A night? #badpromthemes
Schmoodles Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll be in a state of disillusionment. A shell of your former self. Darkness is your companion now.
hipstermermaid America’s Got Talent. Just Kidding.
lateandsoon Too much dried fruit? Nonsense—dried fruit’s great for you…it’s FRUIT! (Hey, why am I 337lbs, diabetic, & pooping every 12-18 minutes?)
wordlust Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to Instagram, he’ll starve because he’s too busy taking pictures of fish.
jordanzakarin The NSA has been trying to access Time Warner Cable user data, too, but they’ve been on hold with customer service for years.
DrMaldoror So You Want To Breed Fire Ants? #WorstHowToGuides
rockskimmer How to Buy a How-To Guide #WorstHowToGuides
FlyteAphrodite Want company? In my experience all you have to do to summon a knock at the door is remove clothing. Do NOT get these two steps mixed up.
luckyshirt “Well. Look who’s back after three years. No it’s fine. I understand. Oh, but I’ve decided you like Train and Third Eye Blind now.” –Pandora
Tmoney68 “My buns shake a lot down under.” – Men At Twerk
cloudcm Dance like nobody’s watching. Drink like you aren’t babysitting in a couple of hours.
JRehling Country clubs disgust me. Bastions of white wealth and power, designed to keep out the undesirables. If you need me, I’ll be at Whole Foods.
palinode Ever chewed on a sprig of oregano for fun? It’s not fun.
tommycm i’m never happier than when hearing my son’s laughter. apart from when i get, like, 12 retweets. that shit’s ace. also – hamburgers.
louisvirtel If you can dance to lite jazz, you are a Sim.
TheTweetOfGod I watch sporting events and decide their outcome because that is a very important priority for Me.
johnmoe “Review: Star Trek Into Darkness. Not bad, kind of confusing. No kangaroos. No discussion of kangaroos.” – Kangaroo Times-Gazette
runawaycupcake Apparently “types super-fast with two thumbs” isn’t a helpful skill to list on a resume.
wonderella NSA if you’re reading this, how do I beat the jet bike level in battletoads
danieleastman A side effect of hardcore substance abuse is liking memes.
peckishly I notice that most tweeters have pets. I can’t keep a houseplant alive. Poor Stick. I tried to give you love, but you needed humidity.
gigideegee why are there treasure island adaptations other than muppet treasure island
MeganNeuringer sat at the bar alone. ordered margarita & chips & salsa. choked on 1st bite of chips & had solo coughing fit for 10 min. i’m cooooool!
J__Swift Titsy Hedron #badstrippernames
J__Swift Pussy Foot. #badstrippernames
mitdasein Candida #badstrippernames
biorhythmist They put sprouts on my sandwich so I just threw it at a cop car
joshjs It’s amazing how many German words sound like made-up German words.
JettSuperior Next up: tarp+waterhose+Crisco=redneck slip’n’slide
lizzwinstead I wish society would really start addressing mental illness, so at the very least, Nancy Grace would have to find another line of work.
sweden Saturday evening. I’m drinking wine, eating sweets and I’m watching Antiques Roadshow. Live slow, die old.
sara_ann_marie Ran four miles in humidity. I’ve now been designated a wetland.
LizHackett I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it opened and closed doors when I had lots of groceries.
michaeljnelson Look, graduates, to the horizon! What is it you see? It is your future. Wait, that’s an Arby’s out by the closed mall. So, yes, your future.
trevso_electric Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
80sMomKara Welcome, new followers! If you don’t expect anything of value to come from our burgeoning relationship, it’ll all work out just fine.
michaeljnelson Look to this day, graduate: do NOT look to the future, for that way lies unemployment, crippling alcoholism and the Hantavirus.
ClevelandPoet I’ll see your “wobbling” and raise me just sitting her indifferently.
VaguelyFunnyDan Gals at the bar swooned when I explained that the people of Pompeii weren’t killed by asphyxiation but by a 300 degree wall of heat & debris
Jimmywibbles My go-to move is saying we’re out of peanut butter and napping in the Walmart parking lot.
th3jm4n Hell is realizing you need to poop while you’re home alone waiting for a pizza.
burntmybagel “I’m really great at reading people” -girl who hasn’t figured out that I hate her
smedlee I’m bummed National Donut Day isn’t an actual holiday so I’m taking a Personal Donut Day.
BradBroaddus I used to do yoga every morning until I discovered slip on shoes.
slackmistress Joke’s on you, NSA! I don’t talk on the phone!
sgnp The next thing you know, the government will be able to see personal photos or a list of our “friends” just by visiting a web site.
RideOrDiePudge A coffee table book along the lines of Madonna’s “Sex” featuring me eating different types of croutons in various salad bars
JessObsess Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
kyleayers If the government is secretly monitoring me through my webcam I will probably make them reconsider the entire program.
stefanbrogren I was told to get a dog if I want to do Vines of any consequence.
morninggloria If you ever hear me say “that’s my jam,” it will be because I’m about to spread some plum preserves on an English muffin.
shariv67 The enemy of my enemy’s enemy’s enemy is Kevin Bacon.
mzeld I’m head over heels! (because that’s how the human body works)
annetdonahue They say there’s a sucker born every minute, but I still think that’s a fucked up baby name.
morninggloria Crying baby count- 2. Crying adult count – 3. #dmvtweets
rstevens According to quantum physics, we are all the new Doctor until the new Doctor has been observed.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.