Anthony and I visited a local lavender farm for my first mother’s day. It was lovely.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
maria_bo_bia I did the gangham style dance at my wedding and I’d like to issue a formal apology to all those affected.
danforthfrance I’ve got a Google Alert set up for the GEICO folk duo’s death. #fingerscrossed
utterben Let’s spare a thought for all those who had a rough night’s sleep and then have to work in a bed shop all day.
marlespo “I won’t beat the troll level for you until you’re dressed from school” – my mornings are normal
marlespo Sometimes I wish mom was alive so I could ask her what the hell she thought when her 8yo daughter developed her first crush on Gene Wilder
kthorjensen hot shingles in your area. you’re a roofer and the sun is punishing. you made your choices and now you have to live with them.
elliemce if you run into an ex just make your body immediately go limp and as you flop to the ground, he’ll know you’re totally over it.
snazzmania tuna is just cat food you can eat in public
palinode My top desert island movies are water, food, clothing, shelter and some way off the damn island. Then I’ll watch some movies.
MommyMG Allie:” OH NO, the car is all wet *stares at it solemnly for a moment*…I guess we need a new car.” Drama child haz all teh dramz
palinode I’m going for some training today. And when it is done, I will be the master. Of formatting e-newsletters.
Maxine12339 When dressing to go out I always check that my shoes match and I’ve tucked in the crazy.
TheJennaBee I got a massage yesterday, and today I feel like someone THIS IS SPARTA-ed me down a flight of stairs.
suebob To wreck Abercrombie & Fitch’s brand, I’m gonna hire all my middle-aged friends to start wearing it ALL THE TIME. Bwaa haa haaa.
KenJennings I’ve heard a lot of people say I’m a “terrible dad” but I guess they didn’t see me just CRUSHING my daughter at Candy Land tonight.
bobtiki I wonder how the phrase “shits and giggles” came about. Because, eew.
thejohnblog I do an *amazing* impression of Chris Tucker when I find a wasp in the car.
wordlust Your password must contain at least one number, one Avenger, one New Yorker contributor, and no gluten.
alyankovic Whenever I see a guy with a really huge penis, I always yell, “Sorry about your car!”
JulieFroolie Is all that candy Crushed yet? Jeez.
sbellelauren throw coffee at people now they are awake without the nasty side effects of caffeine congratulations you are a hero
annsrants Some people babywear. I snackwear.
MrLeePerry I understand language barriers, but why do all international outsourcing spam emails sound like they’re opening a galactic senate hearing?
donni Business idea: Own a profitable business
ScrewyDecimal I’ve realized that I feel less anxious when I’m pissed off, so at least I’ve got that going for me today.
biorhythmist Don’t make me pull this social media platform over
Mortimusgerbil Do not ask Steve Buscemi for the recipe. Steve Buscemi IS the recipe.
DrMaldoror My fish’s freeze-dried bloodworms smell distressingly like ramen. We should probably incinerate our emergency ramen stashes now.
robdelaney “And this is where the magic happens…” *points to king size toilet*
theleanover It took a couple of hours but I finally roundhouse-kicked my way out of this Panera Bread.
DeanOkay I bet the hardest part of being in a gang is knowing you can no longer publicly enjoy a cup of hot chocolate
ryankresse I’ve noticed a whole lot of music has happened since the day the music died, including the song about the day the music died…
ryankresse Which means that the music has faked its own death and is now living under an assumed name. Probably Dave
joshuamneff Every time someone sends an email out to a listserv saying they want to unsubscribe, an angel slams its head into a car door.
99golems the octopus; nature’s pokemon.
theleanover Shout out to the guy eating a big baked potato on the BART.
catagator I wonder what the chances of spilling tomato sauce on a new white shirt are.
timeblimp whammy bar #RejectedMobilePhoneFeatures
timeblimp A side of ranch dressing #RejectedMobilePhoneFeatures
rockskimmer Built-in, really loud, non-deactivatable theremin #RejectedMobilePhoneFeatures
rockskimmer Reminds you that you have no reminders #RejectedMobilePhoneFeatures
lowdudgeon Small needle that jabs you in the thigh when a call comes in during Silent mode. (Didn’t end up being silent.) #RejectedMobilePhoneFeatures
rockskimmer Monkey dispenser #RejectedMobilePhoneFeatures
RumblingHoof Non-emergency cyanide pill #RejectedMobilePhoneFeatures
Quadrupus Counts your syllables and beeps angrily whenever you fail to speak in iambic pentameter #RejectedMobilePhoneFeatures
Quadrupus Oozes a syrup that makes everyone feel sad #RejectedMobilePhoneFeatures
lowdudgeon Infinitely small, yet infinitely dense. Can’t be seen, but weighs 12 tons. Can be used as ballast. #RejectedMobilePhoneFeatures
Stella1070 I think I may have snapped out of my sniveling idiot phase and am back to being a lovable doofus.
Quinn ?@twoshoelaces Thursday means “day of Thor” and Monday means “day of pokemon”
LouisPeitzman I almost understand twerking now, so it’s probably time to move on to something else
mariahc Phone just autocorrected calendar to “cakeasaurus.” Way better.
FarrenSquare Huh. Turns out you CAN’T kill sadness with cake. I’ll keep trying just in case.
estibrennan When I’m inevitably found stabbed in the stomach by my own letter opener, someone please tell the police that I really was just THAT clumsy.
annetdonahue “I like all butts equally.” – “May I remind you, Sir, that you’re under oath.” – “…FINE. I like big butts! [begins weeping] I cannot lie.”
SabrinaJalees To the white girl on the phone asking “When is Cinco de Mayo?” at the bodega: YOU ARE A PUNCHLINE.
nayele18 When a guy makes unwanted advances, I like to talk about my biological clock & yell, “Wait, come back! I’m ovulating!,” as he walks away.
ninatreemonkey Imagine you are in a field of adorable koalas in flannel shirts. Wrong. They’re eating your face off
slackmistress Every time I gain a new follower on Twitter, a maxipad gets its wings!
usedwigs Running down the office stairwell super fast so I don’t have to hold open the door is my new favorite fitness routine. #parkour
jonnysun what idiot caled it “king arthur adn the knigts of the roumd table” insted of a “circumference sir conference”
meanniegirard They call me Annie, murderer of piñatas.
JerryThomas People tell me it’s wrong to shoplift but I just don’t buy it.
jendenbrat A sign of my growing maturity is how I let my 4yo play with my old teddy bear and then arguing that his name is MR. BUBBLEHEAD, NOT TWITCHY
allisonthemeep Toms shoes are like having a yurt for your feet.
mikasasucasa You can’t listen to Ice, Ice Baby and write a folk tale! – a real thing I actually just said to Henry.
smonkyou I hope this doesn’t sound racist but all the trains on Thomas and Friends look the same.
AristotlesNZ 4 out of 5 dentists recommend that the 5th dentist take a hit off his nitrous tank, chill out, & maybe quit being such a contradicting dick.
WritingInBed Congrats on your 100 star tweet you dumb idiot.
CJToledano Forgive me father, for I have sinned, this is my…1,000th confession! *balloons, confetti*
Kyle_Lippert The other side of my pillow is so cool that it doesn’t respond to my texts.
PeaceInTruth1 I think I just retweeted a little in my pants.
markleggett If I want someone to hear a song that I like, I don’t actually play it for them, I SING IT TO THEM MYSELF because I am a manual retweeter.
robdelaney Girl I wanna rip my dick off and throw it at your pussy.
Passiko All this rain isn’t making me sleepy. It’s making me have to pee.
hayes_t_r “I wonder if Descartes doubted his doubt of everything, then doubted that doubt. ” That’s the shit I think about. That’s my cool level.
MmeSurly the thing about kids is that if they stop talking or kicking your chair they will literally die
samanthajcampen “HEHEHEHEHEEEE” “Hear that? That’s a dove.” “AIEEEEEEEEEE!” “And that? Was my sister. It’s hard to tell the difference sometimes.”
TheRedQueen Watching the Food Network at the gym is like watching porn at church. It just feels wrong.
BettyFckinWhite You know those sci-fi movies where they have to sleep for several years to reach a distant planet? That sounds amazing, right?
TheRedQueen Ain’t no party like a house cleaning party, ’cause a house cleaning party don’t stop…ever.
introvertedwife Our bread doesn’t fit in the toaster. My husband said we need a MegaToaster, but I’m onto his Decepticon plot.
TheDairylandDon Need to insult someone’s fat mama? There’s a snap for that.
ProfessorSnack The other night my wife told me I was humming in my sleep. Not a tune, just monotone. Now worried I’m turning into a didgeridoo.
chickenscottpie Oh, homemade macaroni and cheese. You always just know exactly what to say to make me feel better.
SarcasticRover Boy, are you signs of life on Mars? Because you’re hard to find and even if you do exist I won’t know what to do with you
yoyology Goodwoman Brown, Thy Daughter Be Right Comely #ModernSongsMadeOld
DrMaldoror Wish You Verily To Cause Me Pain? #ModernSongsMadeOld
lowdudgeon Nine and Ninety Vexations Have I, Yet a Wench Be Not One #ModernSongsMadeOld
yoyology Baby Got Bustle #ModernSongsMadeOld
yoyology Somebody That I Know #ModernSongsMadeOld
opheliacat Light My Pyre #ModernSongsMadeOld
theelleemme “I am beset by 99 problems but a witch be not one.” #ModernSongsMadeOld
Hotspur Constantinople, Still Constantinople #ModernSongsMadeOld
DrMaldoror By Whose Order Were The Hounds Released? #ModernSongsMadeOld
DrMaldoror Whoomp! (It Be Yonder) #ModernSongsMadeOld
DrMaldoror My Milk Punch (Brings All the Lads to the Buttery) #ModernSongsMadeOld
yoyology It’s All About The Cromwells #ModernSongsMadeOld
hopedellon All The Spinster Ladies #ModernSongsMadeOld
andylassner It’s very important as a parent to take the time out to text your kids that you love them
snazzmania Impromptu Tweetup: scream BOATERCYCLES at the food court and see what happens
snazzmania next time someone from another state finds out I’m from KY I’m totally gonna use the word “webernet”
lemoneyes They should never have promised us flying cars. What were they thinking?
MassageByTed Meet me at Sears for some family planning.
IGotsSmarts Sorry for judging you but you shouldn’t have bought me the powdered wig and black robe.
LaurelKS I’m going to eat some ice cream and you can’t stop me, good judgment.
adamochoa no sorry maybe you were looking for ITT tech? this is just IT tech were we teach you to be a scary ass clown
friedmanjon Grimacing verb 1. Sharp contortion of the face expressive of pain, contempt, or disgust. 2. Wearing a large purple outfit.
JustLindaSTL When I get a little too big for my britches, I recall how many tries it takes to get my automatic car windows to stop where I want them to.
FaisalAdam_ Of my various forms of procrastination, the me not dying one is so far my longest and ironically, the most productive.
hipstermermaid Sriracha sauce is photoshop for food.
calluptome PMS: what I want in descending order… chocolate, burrito, bong hit, wine, kill someone, no one to speak to me, a sword, more wine, a baby.