It is the time of the year when we reflect on the good and the bad, the funny and the sad. I’m celebrating your genius by posting five days’ worth of the funniest tweets of 2012 along with my 100 favorite photos of the past year. Tweets of the Week appear in bold. Stay funny, my friends.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
caroyaknow Your tattoo says “only God can judge me” ….yet here I am
pcsweeney I need to learn to stop being a librarian by 10pm. This kind of thing can only lead down dark paths.
robdelaney If I were a woman, when I encountered sexism I’d be like “BRB, I’m gonna go *MAKE A HUMAN* IN MY BODY LIKE A MAGICAL GOD, YOU SAD OAF.”
usedwigs “Sorry, um, uh, I’m just not really good at this.” – me, after firmly shaking a fistbump that came my way
ohnoCAPSLOCK For sale: one child. This version is beautiful but listening mode is only sporadically functional. Volume and mute buttons are broken.
hipstermermaid Grandparents: changing the world one forwarded email at a time.
mommywantsvodka I left my bra on the table last night and woke up to find it MIA. Which leads me to wonder which one of my children is now wearing a bra.
matthewbaldwin It’s not so much a drinking problem as a drinking solution.
MassageByTed Is it Tim Pawlentys or Tims Pawlenty?
markleggett During my vision quest, I still managed to complete quite a few vision side-quests.
Lilbyrdy It felt weird at first, but I think I’m starting to feel the effects. 5hr Energy is a suppository, right?
50ShedsofGrey We were so excited we raced home and made the beast with two backs. It should have been a coffee table but that’s Ikea instructions for you.
annetdonahue Believe it or not, Canadians are born WITHOUT patches on their jean jackets. Those develop over time.
dmc1138 I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never be as happy as the people that stand outside morning talk shows with poster board signs.
Tuna_Lover I tried to use sex as a weapon once but I just ended up shooting on myself.
MrWordsWorth I’m surprised that the founder of Crocs was arrested but not for founding Crocs.
msbellows Fun fact: under the “first pet + mother’s maiden name” method of choosing a porn name, I’d be “Lucky Feller.”
MrWordsWorth If I have learned anything, it’s that there are people who know less about women than I do, and they’re all in politics.
sgnp Big thanks to ninjas from parents everywhere for helping us convince our kids that being quiet is awesome.
Smethanie Just had emergency training at my office. Apparently the correct answer to what to do if there’s a bomb in the building is not “live tweet.”
HonestToddler Thanks for lying on the floor near me with eyes closed while I play. I feel really engaged.
vladchoc Keeping track of the things God hates. So far I have devils, butt stuff, fake wizards, real wizards, Hamburglars, saying “jizz” and cavemen.
LJo83 Do you ever get the urge to stop what you’re doing, look at the ceiling, and shout, “End Program!” You know, just on the off chance?
the_moonface Instagram is where my Twitter friends and my Facebook friends meet and exchange awkward looks across the table.
shariv67 Just because I don’t advocate violence doesn’t mean I don’t root for it on occasion.
natazilla She had the kind of butt you just wanted to wrap yourself up and die in. A butt to take home to ma. A butt… to kill for.
KeepinItSnazzy Apparently if you smoke a lot of weed in high school you spend the next 10 years reconnecting with friends through drive-thru windows
AngieMacMcA The female body also has ways of shutting down your whole electionRepToddAkin.
batsly Mr Gorbachev, TEAR UP THIS NIGHTCLUB
DrMaldoror I love you, baby. I love you like Joe Don Baker loves putting some of every single dressing on his bacon-n-iceberg salad. #WorstSimiles
weinerdog4life When we were younger, my wife and I would park and make out, now we park and eat hamburgers from Burger King.
bobbiejo448 I think Cee Lo Green might be one of the original California Raisins.
iscoff Live slow, die old, leave a real gross corpse. Real gross.
sarita6032 I don’t discuss religion or politics on the interwebz. Not because I have no opinion, but because this is a sacred place to discuss butts.
InfiniteChicken …pointing at the drag marks in the sand, Jesus said: It was then that I helped you carry Bernie around for a weekend.
Carbosly Somewhere in a parallel universe, a wolf is wearing a sweatshirt with my picture on it.
introvertedwife Follow your dreams, go back to bed.
mishakey I just bought a cowbell to beat on when I want to end conversations with people.
briantong When Starbucks asks for your name, say Primrose Everdeen. When they call that name jump out and yell, “I VOLUNTEER AS A TRIBUTE!”
dalykatherine I hate getting whatcha doin texts when I’m at work. I’m doing what everyone does at work: looking up how dinosaurs have sex on the internet.
SquawkMOB When I’m at a restaurant I like to ask the waiter “What’s your most frequently Instagrammed entree?”
vladchoc Commercial idea: 30 seconds. Full volume audio of a baby crying and airhorns. Fire spells out “EAT SARA LEE CHEESECAKES OR YOU WILL DIE”.
DamienFahey Here’s to Avril Lavigne marrying Chad Kroeger and one day giving birth to a happy, healthy Now That’s What I Call Music! CD.
Kalarlis meeting a unicorn is cool until he snorts too much glitter & you have to hold back his mane while he pukes & makes racist jokes about horses.
vladchoc I identify with Twitter because sometimes I get really tired and replace myself with a picture of a whale.
pontiuslabar “Your action, Jesus.” He shuffled His chips. “Hm, What Would I Do? Huh guys? How about it? What Would I Do?”
HonestToddler Saw a 3 year-old prevent stroller lockdown with a stiff back followed by a forward slide. Mad respect.
shariv67 For a fun, 3-D reenactment of the David Cronenberg classic, Scanners, rename your parents’ router to “No network found.”
yoyology Your breasts are like twin fawns. No, I’m not saying they’re hairy. No, not misshapen in any way. This isn’t working. #biblicalchatuplines
sockington JUST FINISHED NEW EROTIC NOVEL forbidden story of cat and table leg SINGLE SHADE OF GREY
HonestToddler OMG we had a wonderful day out! So fun! Gonna cry for the rest of the afternoon/evening.
notoriousjwc Woke up to a bunch of texts from some random number I don’t know. Even my phone has more fun than I do.
NicLewis The reservoir on this coffeemaker insultingly says “Water Only,” as though I’m going to put Scotch in it again.
ElKnuckelhombre Somebody should tell Ryan Seacrest that he’s won Survivor. I’m proud of that little bastard.
LouisPeitzman Whenever anyone asks what you’ve been up to, say “Digging.” This is an easy way to creep people out without putting too much effort into it.
WindsorGrace For those of you who follow me on pinterest, I’m sorry for the last three hours
TwoAdults Manicure person just asked when I’m due. This dress is officially going to be burned while I eat a Big Mac.
kcfennessy I had no idea Clint Eastwood was such a big Beckett fan.
sbellelauren i signed someone’s boobs after my show last night! (ok they were mine)
dietschweppes I am the king of turning unwanted hugs into double hand shakes.
donni If man is 5 and the devil is 6, math is beyond confusing.
thomaslennon Decided to stop correcting autocorrect and I feel trees about it.
DamienFahey If you missed John McCain’s speech get the gist of it by listening to a dial-up modem try to connect to the Internet.
mathowie The guy that invented the ChocoTaco™ should get a Nobel prize. Not right away, but maybe if there’s a slow year he could be thrown in there.
markleggett Here’s a full list of my heroes: My grandparents, my dad, my girlfriend, my son, my cat, other cats, Superman, Batman, Gary Oldman. I’m 34.
pontiuslabar Are we sure they don’t mean Job creators? As in Book of Job?
markleggett Is everything that Will I Am gets to do in life all part of some “Make-A-Wish” wish that I don’t know about?
SethMacFarlane The Clint Eastwood speech is gonna play a lot better once they finish animating Roger Rabbit into that chair.
JulieFroolie All hopped up on iced tea, Benadryl and malt balls. Who wants to dance fight, West Side Story style?
fart fuck crackle, marry pop, kill snap
trumpetcake According to the results of this handwriting analysis I’m a porpoise.
fleshcake Hit me up if you need your cat ordained. No questions.
JermHimselfish Maybe if we all stare at our phones hard enough everything else will go away.
hipstermermaid I prefer the Duggars’ earlier children.
amateurgourmet I just ousted Thomas Hardy as the Mayor of Casterbridge.
TheJamieTighe “I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Twitter isn’t real and just a side effect of your meds.” – Says my flying giraffe, Alan.
Garrett_Moriati “Asparagus!!!” – Italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
swonderful Hal took a three hour nap today. So, instead of sleeping right now he is shriek-screaming, “NAM I MAN OR NAM I UH MUPPET!”
DavePolak I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really fast.
laneymg My son is being raised organically meaning primarily by dogs.
shinyinfo I need a card to hand out to people who ask, “People still use libraries?” Now I just scream, “YES! LOTS OF PEOPLE DO THINGS YOU DON’T DO!”
TheRedQueen Being super productive. And by productive I mean watching Half Baked and sitting on my ass.
Toaster_Pastry So that patina in the bottom of the coffee cup I was telling you about? Well, the lab says it contains a flesh-eating virus.
shariv67 Observed from a distance, my life might be seen as nothing but a series of bad hairstyle decisions.
jillsmo I just cleaned, I shit you not, 14 pairs of socks off the dining room floor. And NONE of them were mine. Okay, 3 of them were mine. Whatever.
vladchoc Writing anonymous love notes was a lot easier back when I was certain that banal rhymed with anal.
vladchoc All the guys are talking football and golf. I am singing “All by myself” and increasing the volume every chorus until they stop. No effect.
Suburbanhaiku You can call it in / but spreading your own cream cheese / is not child abuse.
chickenscottpie I’m just going to go ahead and make an ass out of you and me.
rstevens Achievement Unlocked: Accidentally leave fly open and drop ice cream into it.
trumpetcake “Fart” is an ugly word. I prefer “wind crimes.”
YWIR Man, you know you’re a shitty person when care bears come flying down on cloud cars, all pissed at you, rainbowbeams scalding your body.
jillsmo I don’t think people lie about their age when they get older, I think they just forget how old they actually are.
brendohare KEEP CALM AND CARRY MOM
RattleIHead always the favorite, never the RT.
markleggett If anyone ever shouts “YO! WHERE THE PARTY AT?”, the party is now as far away from that person as it can possibly get.
TheBosha Of course Jesus was married, that’s why he faked his own death.
pelicansado if you don’t like this, you should see my tumblr account
introvertedwife If dancing in the kitchen is wrong then I don’t wanna OH GOD THE CUPBOARDS ARE ON FIRE!
VaguelyFunnyDan If we don’t learn from the typos of the past, we are doomed to retweet them.
thereverendcink This convenient store bathroom was so disgusting; it was the 1st time I’ve ever had the shit scared in me
ChaseMit Check out Gwyneth Paltrow’s weekly blogozine Goop, her bimonthly radiobook Glorb, or her semiannual showzipod Zibulor.
funnybrad I texted my GF “Can’t wait for the new episode of Honey Boo-Boo!” My phone auto-corrected it to say “You should dump me.”
Stella1070 “It’s a beauty mark.” How I respond when someone notices the dried gravy on my chin.
Psquatch HGTV PITCHES: – We Painted Your Desk When You Were At The DMV – Now Your Bed Is Over Here – Condo Aflame! – Is There Enough Wicker In Here?
mattlemay “Romney” to the tune of the Cranberries’ “Zombie.” You’re welcome.
bumlaser I use Google to look-up spellings. If I’m murdered, detectives will think I was part of some kind of Cincinnati diarrhoea bukkake syndicate.
sharongracepjs Publishing dance parties: you think someone’s grinding on you, but it’s actually just another girl’s tote bag.
wordlust I’ve got success written all over me. It must’ve happened when I passed out
HonestToddler Lying on my back in the grocery store just thinking life & love & anger.
Zaius13 I don’t think of myself as whipped, but my wife does refer to her purse as her “scrote tote”.
monkeyfartmike Some dislike twitter for giving everyone a voice and believing most have nothing to say. To that I say “poopy”.
thejohnblog I can’t wait to see ‘Lincoln,’ the prequel to ‘Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.’
JennyJohnsonHi5 ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
SaraghAdams just killed a fly and he did a breakdance routine for like 30 seconds way to go out with style man
ladchoc Stop the hate. Now start the hate back up. Now stop. Now just the girls. Now everyone but Becky. Everyone hate Becky! Haha. Finally.
AristotlesNZ Today’s revelation: Just yelling “A bee!” lets you can smack anyone in the back of the head with anything & have them thank you for it.
mediocrehuman Forgot my phone when I went to poop. Most boring poop ever. Had to make origami out of toilet paper squares to keep occupied.
nystoopmama Romney is sweaty, aggressive & has a weird red mark above his upper lip. Blow?
explodingboy_ Interesting fact: all of my tweets are scheduled tweets. I actually died 4 years ago in Helsinki.
theyearofelan Just found out that Dr. Phil is actually a cleverly shaved bear
ryanqnorth SCIENCE FACT: when you burp some of the ghosts you ate escape. SCIENCE FACT: oh by the way you are constantly accidentally eating ghosts
UnicornFlavored Kyle picked up around the house, which is the same as sexting.
KaseyAnderson Showed up at the wrong house this morning. Moved in anyway, slept with some guy’s wife. Calling everybody by the wrong name. Columbus Day!!!
vladchoc The hardest part about being a man is deciding whether you want your armpits to smell like mountains or ocean.
paleofuture if you’re not reading my tweets with “nothing’s gonna stop us now” playing in the background you’re not reading them as they were intended
catagator Husband: You know how people have words and sayings up in their homes? I propose we put up the words “Don’t be a bitch.”
J__Swift I love it when a man takes off my bra. Why was he wearing it in the first place?
SpaghettiJesus I just thought to myself “yogurt is breakfast’s dessert”. I’m available if you want to get the party started but don’t know where to start.
jillsmo Sometimes it’s like my whole life is just about waiting for somebody else to fall asleep.
mitdasein If I mastered time travel, I’d mainly use it to get more sleep.
Cosell In an ironic twist of fate, it was actually MTV which killed the video star.
introvertedwife I don’t think I’ve ever taken a picture of a sandwich. I’ve wasted my social media life!
ApocalypseHow I believe in letting children learn from mistakes, which is why I’m co-signing my 4-year-old’s mortgage.