Little Big’s Best Of Follow Friday – Wednesday

2 Jan

It is the time of the year when we reflect on the good and the bad, the funny and the sad. I’m celebrating your genius by posting five days’ worth of the funniest tweets of 2012 along with my 100 favorite photos of the past year. Tweets of the Week appear in bold. Stay funny, my friends.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

DamienFahey A sure fire way to get a group of teenagers to think you’re cool is to go up to them and say, “OMG, you guys! What are we all LOL’n about?”

owlparliament Hullo! I’m the boss today! *Blasts Springsteen *High kick on ‘Born To Run’ *Pulls groin *Birthday ruined

trumpetcake One of the exciting things about meeting me is that I could be hiding a delicious smokehouse almond virtually anywhere on my body.

booksNyarn Another lunch spent half eating, half picking rice out of my keyboard.

LouisPeitzman Best email subject line I’ve received this morning, maybe ever: “Penguin Takes a Hot White Dump on Kelly Ripa.”

pelicansado do dreams go in the regular trash or the recycle bin?

cyrusbryan Seeing the world through my wife’s eyes today, as I am accidentally wearing her contacts.

akpiper @exlibris You’d better start saving for cat therapy right now.

robdelaney If someone starts playing a guitar at a party it’s ok to put the whole thing up his penis hole even if it takes 20 minutes.

calluptome I killed a hipster once in Brooklyn just to watch him sigh.

shariv67 My butt just issued an “amber alert.”

sgnp When I ask my daughter, “What can I get you to eat?” I’m being polite but also desperately searching for clues.

TheRedQueen My kid is watching video reenactments of the Titanic sinking over & over. He keeps asking if there are people on the boat hopefully.

mypetshadow Whenever I burp, I actually say the word ‘Burp!’ I’m an onomatopoet.

davepell It was 85 degrees and sunny today. Perfect weather for Draw Something.

markleggett When I watch porn, I imagine myself as the pizza store owner. “Why do all of my delivery guys take hours to deliver one pizza? I’m ruined.”

eareeve Just got a “haven’t you ever seen a kid sword fighting with his dad’s fake leg in a parking garage before?” look from a kid.

hiplingo I say we settle this like gentlemen & retreat to the wine cellar until one of us requires medical attention.

ninjapoodles Two pages completed this afternoon despite MUCH farting around on the Internet. I WIN THIS ROUND, LOLCATS!!

wawoodworth “So as to revitalize books awards like the Newbery,there will be an award for worst writing called the Dingleberry”#imaginaryALAresolutions

jenstatsky Those kids on How I Met Your Mother must have the worst bedsores by now.

MrChrisLay If someone told me “I will cure all cancer, or give you a t-shirt cannon.” I would absolutely say “Cure all cancer,” but there’d be a pause.

UncleDynamite I don’t know about you, Mr. President, but MY idea of a Dream Act would involve mermaids, laudanum and a disused asthma inhaler.

jillgengler To my beloved: When the child asks “Why do the dogs eat off the ground,” the correct answer is not “Because they can.”

MrBigFists I think dolphins would be excellent at making pancakes since their appendages are basically spatulas.

MariaMelee Earlier, driving, I said, “look! A garbage truck!” My three year old said, “No. That’s just a front loader recycling truck.”

rolldiggity To the confident man, every zoo is a petting zoo.

introvertedwife Sometimes I yell out “ITCHY!” I figure if I have to suffer so does everyone else around me.

DamienFahey If you’re wondering how disgusting a Straight Pride parade would be, check out the taxi line outside a Las Vegas strip club at 3AM.

hipstermermaid “I’m wearing my finest cape tonight!” is a good text to send if you want to cancel a date.

torgospizza I think the Supreme Court should be renamed “The Court Supreme” and be forced to wear taco costumes.

wdeg And it was then that Billy realized his grandmother might not be planking.

january_samurai After reading the recent Supreme Court decisions I’d like to nominate Anton Scalia for the Troll of the Year award.

AdShrink Not sure who the agency is behind Sealy mattresses, but their tag is awesome: “Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it.”

wordlust I had a wardrobe malfunction today in the sense that I forgot to put on clothes.

robdelaney When I read a tweet, I either think “I wish I wrote that” or “I no longer believe in freedom of speech.”

InfiniteChicken I’m not scared of the word ‘vagina.’ I’m scared of Creepy Closet Clowns. Priorities, America.

lgoodballs Now you’re just a piece of delicious cake that I used to know.

meganamram “No means no”: sexual harassment seminar or intro Spanish course?

pistolval @purple_quark i was told YOLO meant “you only love owls”… I’m going to stick with that.

robdelaney “Marriage isn’t a contest, you know.” – me, lying to my wife about marriage

violetnuit Money can’t buy me happiness, but it can buy me snacks which are basically the same thing.

vforrestal Probably when you utter the phrase “I forgot I put my bra on the cat,” it’s time to go to bed.

JRehling When a link is marked NSFW I wait to open it until I’m in church.

joelmmathis Gonna write the best-selling novel of all time: “Fifty Shades of Earl Grey: The Erotic Life of Jean-Luc Picard.”

Kimpulses If you’re a good person and contribute positively to society you should get to hit people with your car occasionally as a reward.

kelihoskins One thing I’ve learned thru twitter is that the majority of you guys walk around the house pantsless.

MightyQuinn72 I’ll be dead and gone and no one will ever know the skill it took for me to move the kid’s toy with the riding mower without getting off.

robdelaney I don’t want to beat up everybody in this Pep Boys, but I just took a Monster Energy suppository, so it’s no longer up to me.

helenstwin Mom: I had a panic attack so I alpha’d my seed collection.  Me: Sometimes I think librarianship is an anxiety disorder.

cwethern Was just thinking, “Orginal Trek was better than I remember.” Then, Spock put out an electrical fire by swatting at it with his hand.

iboudreau “Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.” — Kool-Aid Man

trevso_electric If police searched my apartment they would see signs of a struggle to grow up.

PrettyAllTrue Smaller dog swam in the river against his wishes yesterday and this morning he ate a sprinkler head. That will teach water to sass him. AlisonAgosti Mark Twain would have killed it at Twitter, no question.

NancyJew How many times can you hear YOLO before you start wishing you only lived never?

InfiniteChicken Why has no-one opened a mall nut-roasting kiosk called ‘Deze Nuts’?

kibblesmith But on the other hand, if I shout “Anti-Christ!!” at EVERY baby I see, eventually I’ll be right.

sadandbritish It’s really hard to tell when your cat is being lethargic.

louisvirtel If I’ve ever misspelled the heart emoticon to you as “<#” instead of “<3,” it wasn’t a mistake. It was a dagger.

duckyouforever The secret to immortality lies not in a fountain or in a guy who lived 2000 yrs ago, but in the never-ending recycling of the denim jacket.

donni Let’s talk about sex rabies. Let’s talk about you and me. Turns out I gave you sex rabies.

timeblimp It’s somewhat bittersweet that I’m at the peak of my breakdancing career. All downhill from here.

markleggett Today I told my personal trainer that I got “Beez in my traps.” We spent the rest of my workout in total silence.

Brotherwags And in closing, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like to say that I think I did a pretty kick-ass job. –Lawyer Dude

BillCorbett Tomorrow is the day I break it to my kids: their brand management is TERRIBLE.

markleggett Reminder to corporations who use social media: We’re not locked up in here with you. You’re locked up in here with us.

biorhythmist Just did a fart so bad I had to leave a note on this guy’s car.

jberthume Hello new followers! I apologize in advance!

michaeljnelson Wine reviewers need to start working the words “hankerin’”, “finger-licking” and “chawmp” into more of their reviews.

fleshcake Fireworks are done, but you can still toss things in a flipped over lawnmower because America.

MrWordsWorth  Just make Neil deGrasse Tyson president already.

rstevens The Fifth Element Is Pizza

jesus Technically I wasn’t walking on water. I’m a carpenter. I made a skim board.

TheTobbie I told my girlfriend I love her today because life is short. Then I shouted it at her in German because life is also terrifying & confusing.

InfiniteChicken I can finally announce the title of my upcoming TED talk: Is Michael King Going to Have to Cut a Bitch?

claire_mudie Believing in myself is getting really tiring.

introvertedwife We have a can of soup from 2006. I’m afraid to open it because it might be one of Cheney’s million horcruxes.

rolldiggity You can tell a lot about a person by breaking into their house and going through all their stuff.

yoyology I have a mole on my belly and an almost identical one on my back. What are the chances they are the ends of some intestinal parasite?

paleofuture “There’s no proof that the early-21st century TV program Ancient Aliens wasn’t produced by aliens.” – history show, 2062

mermaidpants Wearing a v-neck top to the movies means that I will have extra popcorn for later.

apelad The How It’s Made episode about babies saved me from a really awkward conversation with my son.

MrPeeker In olden days “twitter away your time” meant to waste time…. hey, wait a minute.

donni “When you got a dog, pot, and a guitar, uh, that’s what you got.” –Sublime

mSperoni Livestream censors “shit” and “fuck” but not “fuckshit”. It’s like it’s trying to make us invent more powerful cuss words.

sbellelauren so you can just change your name? ok from now on please refer to me as lord waffles

apatheticist When speaking of the Kardashians, “I’d hit that” has a very literal meaning.

dubouchet The Hobbit is going to be three movies: 1) THE HOBBIT: THE DWARVES DO DISHES, 2) THE HOBBIT: STUCK IN A TREE, and 3) THE HOBBIT: BARRELS!

weinerdog4life If you love someone, set them free, if they come back, they were a boomerang, you were in love in love with a boomerang.

Jessicats8 When I’m scrolling through the channel guide and see ‘XXX Summer Olympics’, I think how the porn industry was handed this one.

angryczeck I won the gold medal for not groaning “Boring” too loud in church today.

RideOrDiePudge Quit asking questions! Just pee in the cup! There will be no performance-enhancing drugs at my Olympics Party.

ApocalypseHow Can’t seem to find investors for my new food venture, “Morningwood Farms Single Sausages.”

theleanover   I can hear a shopping cart down being pushed down my alley. I think those racoons are drunk again.

paulapoundstone Although I am an atheist, I believe that just before you die you understand what a derivative is.

sbellelauren trickle down economics: when you look at your bank account & pee your pants

FREE_FACTS In reality, unicorns are extremely violent

MKHDDLSTN Dear Religion, While you were debating what chicken sandwiches were okay to eat, I just landed on Mars. Sincerely, Your Pal Science

kellybranan Congratulations NASA. Way to stick the landing!

J__Swift Watching the end fight scene of Star Wars is just like when I saw it in the theater 35 years ago! I really have to pee BAD!

wordlust Baby, you must be an angel, because you look and smell like some kind of horrifying animal-human hybrid.

jillsmo Holy shit, have you guys seen the Man vs. Food dude lately? Food has DEFINITELY won.

TheDweck Weird that we have the technology to help a double-amputee run in the Olympics but can’t make a running suit that hides their ding dong.

mypetshadow It’s not the heat as much as it is the stupidity.

morninggloria I wish there was an emoticon for rolling my eyes and pantomiming like I’m jerking off.

ac_awesome “What do we want?” “PUNS WITH CAT SOUNDS!” “When do we want it?” “MEOW!”

Disalmanac Today in 1834, John Venn was born. He originally invented the Venn Diagram to show how circles have sex.

duplicitron Turns out every meerkat is just one tiny top hat away from becoming mayor.

ClassicMegan Just saw a bunch of people bring in their friend, blindfolded, for a surprise party at Applebee’s. “Surprise, buddy! Your friends hate you!”

matthewbaldwin MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN ONE HOOTIE AND SEVERAL BLOWFISH!!!!

louisvirtel My first attempt at sex would make a pretty good uneven bars routine.

rstevens NASA and PBS should team up and make a Mars Grover

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

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3 Responses to “Little Big’s Best Of Follow Friday – Wednesday”

  1. Nadja January 2, 2013 at 6:21 pm #

    How do you feel that everyone covets your Zorro?
    Nadja recently posted..Adios, 2012. I don’t think I’ll miss you.My Profile

    • Carrie Anne January 5, 2013 at 5:14 pm #

      Proud, and also a little nervous. One of the reasons I refuse to let him go outside at all is I’m convinced someone will steal them for their own.

    • Carrie Anne January 5, 2013 at 5:14 pm #

      Proud, and also a little nervous. One of the reasons I refuse to let him go outside at all is I’m convinced someone will steal him for their own.

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