Little Big’s Best Of Follow Friday – Tuesday

1 Jan

It is the time of the year when we reflect on the good and the bad, the funny and the sad. I’m celebrating your genius by posting five days’ worth of the funniest tweets of 2012 along with my 100 favorite photos of the past year. Tweets of the Week appear in bold. Stay funny, my friends.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

kibblesmith If people’s appearances made them criminals, @GeraldoRivera would be tying milkmaids to train tracks.

Andy_Richter A catalog described some shoes as being “as comfortable as an old friend” & I thought how do they know I made moccasins out of Dwayne?

ApocalypseHow My Greek neighbors downstairs are either roasting a whole lamb, or one of them accidentally fell into the fireplace.

mariannecanada I just woke from a dream where I had a bra filled with Hamburger Helper. Never sleeping again.

robdelaney I know it’s silly but I can’t fall asleep by myself in a hotel unless I put on a recording of my wife’s soothing farts.

EvenMoreSarah I’m going to regret this 2nd cup of coffee, but regret is for suckers! Later, regret will be for people with irritable bowels.

LouisPeitzman I was going to do Hunger Games-themed #FFs, but it occurs to me you don’t necessarily want to know which order I think you’d die in.

mikeleffingwell Picked up what I thought was a quarter off the ground. It turned out to be a washer, so I covered by saying “I love these things” & ate it.

val_forrestal I have a sore back from hunching over my cross stitching ::ahem:: I mean hunching over the reigns of my flying tiger.

rolandthecat I’m kinda a “Kim Deal” around here.

shaneswinnea Just found out that Game of Thrones isn’t a euphemism for diarrhea.

joevelouria  I don’t know why a computer mouse is called a “mouse” other than the fact that it’s edible.

CelebrityChez My therapist told me that he thought I was cured today. That is either really good news or perhaps he noticed that I was dressed as a ham.

trumpetcake I wouldn’t go as far as calling myself an EXPERT in self-defense, but I’ve hit more than one bandit in the wiener.

Smethanie When someone tells me they weren’t born yesterday, I’m relieved because I was really worried newborns nowadays are giant assholes.

FaisalAdam_ My idea of a perfectly ingenious evil plan is to go on a worldwide live TV broadcast and yawn.

JulieFredericks Flavor Flav looks just like an old mummy at this point. I can easily see him wrapped in linens, clutching an amulet in repose. Boyyyeeee!

owlparliament If you’re on the fence about family planning, I encourage you to visit your local dollar store.

mikeleffingwell Shake what yo mama gave you! Unless she just handed you a baby.

SaraSantiago Today felt like everyone was being kind of an asshole. Especially me. I was the best asshole.

badbanana Of the most inconvenient ways to rent a movie, Redbox is the most convenient.

FlyoverJoel My coworker is drinking from a Star Trek coffee mug and wearing a red shirt today. I’m really going to miss her.

alisonforns  how many innocent Bank of America employees have to die before they stop sending me courtesy balance alerts?

birbigs  It’s redundant to say the phrase “super gay.” Gay is already super.

ieatanddrink Lotta different states in United States: Florido, Gerogiba, Washtingting, Nevrev, Louis Cartlejeff, Porkerpine Mountains, Washtingting 2

StellaRtwot  Facebook put the “end”in friend.

JennyJohnsonHi5  Instagram is now in a relationship and it’s complicated.

sucittaM  Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

danforthfrance  The bucolic pastel blandness of this holiday could do with a lot more macabre, folksy death kitsch. Step it up, Mexican Easter.

Patheticist  The supreme court comes with onions and sour cream in addition to the regular stuff.

a_weird_bug best tip for flirting with anyone is to say “cool butt”. THIS WORKS

whithonea  Beck’s new cookbook, “Two Lazy Susans & a Microwave” was supposed to be my April Fool’s joke, but I forgot.

AliB68 I just heard someone say what sounded like “hope springs a turtle”. I’m making this a saying.

nonpromqueen: “NO, SORRY, RICK SANTORUM, YOU MUST CARRY YOUR DEAD PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN TO FULL TERM.”

DadBeard Had a student ask me if the singer of Nickleback was Kurt Cobain. I failed the entire class and set them on fire.

andi_harman apparently it’s going to be “cool” and “crisp” tomorrow morning. dress for salad.

YWIR Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile.

hipstermermaid I bet in hell they make you wear that haircut you had in middle school.

matthewbaldwin I drank too much coffee and now I’m having second thoughts. Like, one second long, maximum.

Spotzwoj I don’t know why bald dudes would wear toupees to blend with real hair when raccoon skin caps cover everything & include glorious ponytails.

robdelaney The 3 “secrets” to my marriage’s success are: 1. We’re honest. 2. We’re kind. 3. My wife has been in federal prison since 1996.

fleshcake When I’m on the road with a few male friends, it’s a fantastic boyage whether they like it or not.

miketoole I just looked at the ingredients of honey for some reason, and all it says is PURE HONEY, and I was like, “This honey is baller.”

ryankresse I’m pretty sure we could solve 17% of the world’s problems by replacing everyone at the Today show with the Animaniacs.

BeTheBoy Serious Tweet: Which of the Traveling Wilburys do you think smelled the worst? At the time, not today.

donni Some people need to quit living in the past and start living in the future. These people are time travelers.

vazqueztyler “I don’t need your help! I don’t need ANYBODY’S fuckin’ help!” Drunk ground beef refusing Hamburger Helper

mikeleffingwell Idea! Designer toilet paper with a chic advertising slogan: “Awaken the senses in your butt.”

markleggett My girlfriend and I are playing a turn-based strategy game where we walk past the dirty dishes all day and pretend not to see them.

donni “It’s not delivery, it’s da porno!” said the Italian delivery guy, as he began to disrobe.

sgnp If my cat could talk, she’d just wander around the house gesturing at things, muttering, “BULLSHIT.”

Jedimasterbator  (5) Popcorn (4) Coffee (3) Roses (2) Bacon (1) Care Bear Vagina #5bestsmells

SarahThyre Guys, I think I invented the jet pack!(drink vegetable juice then coffee)

Caissie Fella on subway held eye contact with me as he removed lower dentures & licked ‘em all over. I’m a bit rusty, but he was hitting on me, no?

shriekhouse Dance like only your kid is watching, cook like no one will scream they hate it, and sneeze like you won’t pee your pants.

Jedimasterbator “TGIF! TGIF! TGIF!” (Terribly Gross Indoor Farts! Terminal Granny Is Flatulent! Totally Gassed In Face!)

SquiggleJay ”Don’t touch the dog’s butthole” is one of those things I never imagined having to say that I now say daily.

owlparliament Locked myself out of the apartment again, but with the dog this time. I’m getting better at this!

badbanana Wonder how many novels Stephen King wrote this morning.

usedwigs It’s pretty clear my Facebook friends do NOT like me playing “Hot or Not” in the comment section of their vacation photos.

alittlepregnant Too bad we never got a pic of Paul laying hands on my pregnant belly looking reverent. Even sorrier not to have one w/him looking horrified.

MsStabby Found a weed whacker and a coupon! Errands here I come!

Fake_Rockstar Cold coffee from this morning, take me away.

NicLewis For all their complaining about my constant smartphone use, my family doesn’t mind the resulting lack of rage punching.

lauracope my building owner tells me he’s renovating the unit across from mine. “it has great views of the skyline and your breasts,” he says. oops.

theleanover Let’s Get Picarded In Here #startreksongs

markleggett I could fill a PT Cruiser with the things I’ve found inside my nose over my lifetime, and I fully intend to.

trumpetcake Just rolled a dope ass blunt*!!! (*called my aunt to ask about her cataracts)

SpaghettiJesus I think your instagram is lying to all of us. Those things aren’t those colors.

MightyQuinn72 “Setting Dog The Bounty Hunter’s Hair On Fire” is the only thing on my Bucket list.

asterios If you stay until the end of this tweet you’ll get a secret bonus tweet CATS ARE ADORABLE

dubouchet Sometimes, based on the commercials that run during Sportscenter at this hour, I think to myself: “I am the most successful man on Earth.

shinyinfo WAS HITLER AN ALIEN?? The History Channel just ate its own tail. #AncientAliens

markleggett Yeah, I do sponsored tweets for trout now. Don’t like it? Go fuck yourself after eating a delicious trout today! – spon

teammandy The day I go on instagram and comment on the way your child is strapped into it’s car seat is the day you can come to my house and shank me.

ProfessorSnack I don’t do my best thinking when on the toilet. But it’s when I’m most able to share it.

wordlust I sure hope these protests convinced NATO to bring Dan Harmon back to Community.

LouisPeitzman It’s always a good sign when your last couple OKCupid dates deactivate their profiles.

morninggloria I hope the sequel to Battleship features the cast of Battleship being eaten by brightly colored hungry hungry hippos.

PrettyAllTrue Some of you working hard to maximize SEO in your posts have almost mastered the magic that is Parade Magazine writing. Well done.

robdelaney You do the math! All of it. Please? I am not good at math.

KeepinItSnazzy “Ick-thus” is the best name for a pet fish ever so all y’all haters can quit trying

Mortimusgerbil Thanks to modern slang, It’s becoming increasingly difficult to have a polite conversation about barn animals in 19th-century English.

JennyJohnsonHi5  I have a difficult time investing in Facebook, mainly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

shellipants  @bebehblog I have yet to find a parent that likes Caillou. I don’t even think his OWN parents like him.

robdelaney Whenever someone stops tweeting, I imagine something terrible must’ve happened. But in fact it’s probably the exact, very opposite.

consprcy_carrot Don’t ever play “Grape Nut or Cat Litter?” There are no winners.

usedwigs Do not watch “Yo, Robot” because it’s not as fun as it sounds and is hard to follow… wait, I’m watching “I, Robot” on the Spanish channel.

Sundry Me: “HOW YOU LIKE MAH DICK NOW MOTHERFU-” Him: “I have you on speaker.” Me: “Uhh. How you like…chicks?” Kids: “BABY CHICKENS! I DO!”

ryankresse For law enforcement officials to be there’s “What to Suspect When You’re Suspecting”.

happyrobot  IT’S ADAM AND EVE! NOT STEVE AND EVE!

standupmaths Walking around Athens I’m getting a lot of false-positives for maths that turn out to just be Greek writing.

sg11z My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

trumpetcake  The bulk of my memoir centers around the time I got poop on my wrist.

meganamram I’m having an amazing day!! I feel like I got assigned to the front of a human centipede!!

duckyouforever I blame a lot of shit that went down on Hee Haw for the fact that these hipster kids takes themselves so seriously.

DoubleBerg426  Is there an emoticon for ‘just had to pull a balloon string out of my cat’s asshole’?

pontiuslabar Happy Birthday, Whitman. It was originally “Leaves of Grass, Gas, or Ass: Let Me See Your Body Electric Work” but was mercifully shortened.

sgnp I didn’t get where I am today by passing judgment on how others decide to live their lives. That’s just more of a hobby.

slackmistress I just said Bloody Mary one hundred times in the mirror and I still don’t have a cocktail.

soonergrunt In staff mtg. Feel like I’m in “aliens”. Stuck to wall, can’t move or escape. Begging people who find me to please kill me.

RailbirdJ You know how much I don’t care right now? Jean shorts.

SpaghettiJesus Dave and Busted more like.

WiselinePRT “Klout believes you are influential in Your Own Mind.” #FakeKloutNotifications

hipstermermaid Steven Tyler is America’s favorite singing pile of overcooked bacon.

Caissie Working title is “Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Blended Family based on the manual Vitamix by Vitamix Corporation” – a romantic family horramedy.

luckyshirt This Coinstar game is boring.

FannyOvrTeacups If the video monitor feed is to be trusted, there’s a bald, drunk man in footie jammies staggering around in my son’s crib.

taylor_jessie Once every so often I take time to enjoy the fact that I used to know a guy who thought Sense & Sensibility was the sequel to Dumb & Dumber.

seattlegeekdad Son woke up and told me his Sleep Meter was full. Time to cut back the video games.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

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3 Responses to “Little Big’s Best Of Follow Friday – Tuesday”

  1. kara January 3, 2013 at 6:24 pm #

    OMG. Isobel and the kitten and the bottle. I just died from the cute!
    kara recently posted..In Which I Channel My Inner DesignersMy Profile

    • Carrie Anne January 5, 2013 at 5:16 pm #

      Isn’t that so great? It’s one of my favorite photos, too. Every time Isobel sees it she shouts, I WANT TO HOLD A BABY SQUIRRELLY!

  2. Rachelle Monasterio April 26, 2013 at 11:23 pm #

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