Little Big’s Best Of Follow Friday – Monday

It is the time of the year when we reflect on the good and the bad, the funny and the sad. I’m celebrating your genius by posting five days’ worth of the funniest tweets of 2012 along with my 100 favorite photos of the past year. Tweets of the Week appear in bold. Stay funny, my friends.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

taralibrara Patron wants books on self motivation. Has me look up his number and wants me to pick the books for him. You decide he sez. #storyofmylife

MmeSurly Sometimes you have to take your 2yo to the post office dressed in a blanket & pink rainboots because he is pretending to be “Princess Girl.”

TheBlackStar Quick Poll: Lightening Bolts or Skull & Crossbones? #manscaping

MassageByTed Aamco, Maaco, and Amoco should be forced to fight to the death and the winner called Ma’amMoCo

premmeridian Dreamt last night that mice were putting on a production of ‘Les Miserables’ at my workplace. At least, I think it was a dream.

LouisPeitzman I cackle a lot for someone who has only ever ridden a broomstick recreationally.

noshwithme When they catch the arsonist they should play a loop of siren and helicopter sounds in his jail cell at night.

JerryThomas Somehow the cat wrestled the laser pointer away from me and now I’m exhausted and he’s having my suits retailored to fit him.

mikeleffingwell “What I want isn’t on the menu,” I said as I eyed the waitress seductively. “Oh wait, yes it is. Can I have the buffalo wings?”

palinode My new goal in Skyrim is to kill every living thing in it, except for the guy who sells me my arrows.

lunchyprices I don’t understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn’t name their baby ‘BeJay’.

mocoddle Watching Futurama means that the main character of any book I read after will be voiced, in my head, by Bender.

RideOrDiePudge Every licensed beautician should know what you’re talking about when you say “Give me the Greatest American Hero.”

Smethanie Just think how many MORE pics of cats there’d be on the Internet if felines had opposable thumbs to take and upload bathroom mirror shots.

owlparliament @exlibris Have I ever told you about the time I got confused with Swiper and said “Snatcher no snatching!” real loud?

Guydelines Anti-drug campaigns should simply be pictures of Steven Tyler with the phrase “He does drugs!”

OhNoSheTwitnt Apparently shouting “where’s your G now?!” on Monday mornings at all my coworkers who say “TGIF!!” on Fridays isn’t very “professional.”

jenstatsky Just spent 15 minutes trying to zipper my coat, then sent my parents an apology for sending me to college.

RideOrDiePudge Apparently my efforts to lead an impromptu slave revolt went unappreciated by the management of Colonial Williamsburg.

badbanana Throwing a pie in Newt Gingrich’s face is at least a two-pie job.

TheAuthorGuy Wow, I lost followers just mentioning Newt. It’s like losing is his super power.

mikeleffingwell Nothing feels truer than when GChat tells me “You are invisible.”

FannyOvrTeacups The stomach flu’s hit our house. I’m afraid I just texted “Got the runs” to someone other than my spouse in my contacts.

danforthfrance Having your website automatically play music is a great way to advertise your brain damage.

oodja I learned my leadership skills from #StarTrek, which is great except when the shit really hits the fan and I try to self-destruct the ship.

DinkCheney Sometimes I really want to quit twitter…but…the children, you see? The children.

LVSchaffer I found two toy light-up wands at work. I’m spending lots of time wondering what my patronus would be.

luckyshirt Business Idea: Fake testicles to hang from your actual testicles.

owlparliament What’s the sexiest part of my floor-length flannel nightie? Please say it’s the polyester lace on the yoke.

GameCouch If you have a camel with a toe injury, google will not help you.

Caissie Just made myself well up on a train simply by thinking of my childhood. Being nuts is a lot like method acting, but you can do it ANYWHERE!

duckyouforever In honor of Charles Dickens’ birthday, I am poor.

thejohnblog Handel resigns from Komen, AND Prop 8 is ruled unconstitutional?! It’s Liberal Christmas! I’m leaving cookies for Rachel Maddow tonight!

iboudreau Shit. I have the Lite-Brite song stuck in my head. I’m going to the hospital.

BeTheBoy Every time I pick up my dog she passes gas. I’m no dog butthole scientist but I don’t think this is normal.

shariv67 I don’t care about your age gender or sexual preference. If you card me when buying booze I am making out with you. Don’t fight it.

Shedletsky I found nemo! He was delicious!

negativsteve Can one of you video game experts help me out? I can’t get past level 5 in TurboTax

khamsin @britain be the troll you want to see in the world. – MLK Jr

Molly_Kats I accept your time challenge, GPS.

pontiuslabar By the way, good news: “Internet Famous” will be in the 2013 DSM-V.

Pamfuscious Catch you guys later- I need to go to the salon and intervene in my eyebrows’ reunification plot.

iboudreau My little brother’s suggestion for a new Walking Dead title: “Two And A Half Eaten Men.”

HecklersDelight My phone just auto corrected “Ok” to “Oink” in response to my wife. Nice knowing you.

Molly_Kats I slipped on ice outside a crowded Starbucks and brought sexy back.

adambuckled I like how coffee doesn’t try to fix me. It just understands.

oodja Lessons learned from Pixar’s Up: 1. Shit happens, 2. You’re never too old to have an adventure, 3. Everything is better with a talking dog

goodinthestacks “Kristen Stewart is a good actress because she looks like she is going to throw up but then doesn’t throw up. That’s acting.” @heyjenray

Sigafoos Toddler Jesus took one diaper bag of yogurt melts and diapers and fed and clothed an entire story time.

robdelaney I hate the term “home wrecker.” I prefer “beef thief.”

biorhythmist When I was your age we had ONE browser tab we all had to share and we LIKED it

wordlust I am reading a Bible in the Biblical sense. In other words, I am humping a Bible.

MassageByTed The Facebook status “It’s complicated” means “I’m having sexual relations with a 2003 Toyota Celica.”

adrienneMTK While reorganizing my office, I found Valium, an ancient chocolate bar, detailed Chemistry notes & lube. Felt like a prison scavenger hunt.

RideOrDiePudge Apparently “Hi Haters” is not an acceptable way to greet your fellow competitors in an Interdenominational Church Bake-Off.

slackmistress Santorum puts aspirin between women’s knees & Romney puts his dog on a car roof. Maybe Republicans don’t know where things go.

shinyinfo I’m thinking of a new emoticon, ||-D is happy Geordi La Forge. Y/N?

earlypaintbrush Waiting for OS X Nyan Cat before I seriously consider the switch.

hipstermermaid Judging by the amount of phones I’ve dropped, I’d make a horrible parent.

MassageByTed I get the impression that a lot of you are using yourselves for sex, and I think that’s selfish and wrong.

EllieM72 Hey guys, at what age is it appropriate to tell my dog he’s adopted?

wordlust I fuck like a bunny in the sense that I always wear a bunny suit.

bengarvey I think every autobiography should end with, “and then I started writing this book.”

theyearofelan My grandfather always said if you don’t have anything nice to say get a twitter account and look like an egg

GSouder I just procrastinated my morning procrastination routine and now I think I’m traveling backwards in time.

introvertedwife I like to write fantasy because people have troubles grasping the depths and peaks of humanity set in contemporary time, also swords.

mommywantsvodka I feel my week should be best spent creating photo montages of my crying kids set to the Facts of Life theme song.

sgnp Vegan cheese is cool if you want an illustration of what it’s like when you barely make your saving throw verses an illusion.

RepJackKimble I’m excited to be working with a Programmer to create an app to let you know if any of your dead relatives are becoming Mormon

luckyshirt The Constant Gardener is filmed in front of a live my bedroom window.

Handflapper Every time I think about getting out of bed, I notice how flat my stomach looks in this position

markleggett My vision board is just pictures of human lady boobs.

introvertedwife Jesus autosaves.

RideOrDiePudge Yes, you pushed it. But to say you pushed it real good is just a gross misrepresentation of the facts.

KenJennings Dolphins make terrible news anchors because it still looks like they’re smiling when they do the “In sadder news…” parts.

rstevens If I have to choose between Hollywood and the internet, nuke Hollywood from orbit.

Cheeseboy22 The “It’s a Small World” ride should be called “Bloody Ears Hell Boat”.

notthatkendall Heads up, guys. Ground beef spam bots are a thing now. Also: I don’t blame whatever eventually kills us all.

DearOKCupid Dear OK Cupid:So you listen to “everything”? You’ll like my friends band. Experimental noise rock on Casio with Korean lyrics & cat samples.

MassageByTed Someone with an iPhone please post Siri saying “the humans are dead.”

luckyshirt Did it hurt when you fell from heaven and became a demon? #breakuplines

OhLookBirdies I might start a Placebo cover band called Homoeopathy.

ThatJennGraves Upon reflection, the Lord of the Flies theme for my 8 year old’s birthday party may have been a slight misstep.

mommyshorts Sears is selling “Hung Like Daddy” toddler t-shirts. My question is: Why would you want your child advertising your husband’s small penis?

5FeetOfRage I wish MY children were invisible sometimes.


ApocalypseHow SPOILER ALERT: The winner of the Hunger Games is “pie.”

wordlust It’s better to cry uncle than to barf aunt.

BeTheBoy It turns out I’ve been donating to Dr. Who Without Borders all this time.

NASeason Apparently I reached down my shirt to scratch my boob in front of our accountant. So, you know, this stay at home gig is really working out.

Soulsmithy Two-headed poops? The ones that are clearly meant to be two modest poops but get fused into a poop double-cone? I hate/really respect those.

samanthajcampen Theo woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Then he shouted “MOM! CAN YOU FLUSH FOR ME? I DIDN’T WANT TO WAKE YOU UP!”

badbanana Domino’s is spending a lot of money to tell us that little pieces of bread with cheese on them is the greatest idea they’ve ever had.

gonnakillhim My mother texted me “Have you heard of something called a ‘landing strip’?” Regrettably, my phone did not self-destruct.

johnmoe I’m worried about political instability in our nation’s hipster coffee shops when all their mayors are at SxSW.

ingmarbirdman space republicans decree: if alien lifeform implants a egg in your face, you must carry it to term. perhaps wear a less enticing helmet next time

robdelaney Whenever someone tells me I should be ashamed of myself, I’m like “Got it covered, bro!”

SpiffingJewelry You know the restaurant is amazing when you find beef in your cleavage.

SarahIvy @exlibris OMG, not cussing is so fucking hard!

 What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

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  1. says

    the laugh “Dolphins make terrible news anchors because it still looks like they’re smiling when they do the “In sadder news…” parts.” got terrified my cats.

    also the picture with the heart glasses and net is totally boss!

    To a great New Year!
    ClevelandPoet recently posted..The one where Jimi is a hoboMy Profile

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