Today’s guest photographer is my dear friend Laura who beautifully captures photos of her sweet daughter as well as nature around her home in Colorado. She shoots professionally here. I am constantly astounded not only by her talent but her kindness, compassion, and humor. Thanks again for doing this, Laura. Twitter would not be the same without you.
Have a great weekend!
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
catagator Cat puked in her bowl then kept eating out of it. At least she’s efficient.
jerryrenek If your grandma won’t pass along her holiday cookie recipe, a fun thing to do is report her to the FDA.
awrightbrian Cleaning cat litter boxes, then washing your hands with vanilla-scented hand soap is the olfactory equivalent of a lobotomy.
wordlust Theological question: Is the final stage of Scientology blowing Tom Cruise or blowing John Travolta?
mypetshadow Roses are red / Violets are blue / In Soviet Russia / Poem writes you.
quantumpotpie In rare cases, you can gauge the hardships a person will endure based purely upon the spelling of their name. Maccenzee, for example.
michellehudson Does a colleague asking me whether or not zombies can eat each OTHER count as a reference question?
marlespo “stocking stuffers” always makes me think of people doing unholy things with socks. merry gross christmas.
paleofuture 80 years from now some nerdy grad student will find this tweet because he searched for “seriously tripping balls” at the library of congress
bonniegrrl Kay Jewelers ads would be better if women creepily whispered Precioussss when given their rings.
mitdasein I specifically asked for Dasani holy water and the priest blessed Aquafina.
theleanover Redneck business meetings take so long because they always need to mullet over.
donni Mr. Gorbachev, tear off these pants
robdelaney I hope there’s a magazine for cool college bros called “Frattitude.”
LisaMcIntire Your move, dingos.
shariv67 Obama can never take away THESE guns. *kisses biceps*
shinyinfo awww fuck I only have two days left to learn how to dougie. #wheredidthetimego
YourAnonNews Be the glitch you want to see in the matrix.
DadBeard My favorite part of every season of The Voice is the episode where they all jerk each other off.
DavePolak I’m looking at old Christmas pictures an am getting sad. This charcuterie platter is no longer with us.
sgnp I had my six-year-old daughter film me during a failed competitive breath holding attempt. Your move, Wes Anderson.
PrettyAllTrue I almost want to be more active on Facebook, just to see your little cherubs’ faces trying to pitch me Viagra and “Hot Singles in My Area!”
iasshole I’m filling the instagram vacuum with InstsHAM. HAM IN YOU MOUTH. I smell a Kickstarter.
DBagChopra Even though I am a Teacher, I am still learning from others. Not you guys — mostly marketing consultants.
stuwest ALERT ALERT Lionel Richie was born in 1949. What I’m saying is, next year he will be a Commodore who is 64.
donni Keep your kids on the right track with my easy-to-remember catchphrase, ABNGA: Always Be Not Getting Arrested
wordlust I am going Old Testament on this box of cookies.
lowdudgeon Show me on your forehead where the thinking happened.
badbanana I come from a long line of people who patiently wait to buy movie tickets.
adamisacson I hear Peter Jackson is filming “Hop on Pop,” by Dr. Seuss. “Part I: Hop,” coming to theaters Christmas 2016. “Part II: On,” Christmas 2017.
FakeCat_Fancy Cat pours can of cranberry sauce out on kitchen tile. “Like the way that sounds?” Cat asks owner. “Gives you chills, huh?”
Toaster_Pastry Money or chocolate? If you have money you can buy chocolate. But if you have chocolate, you can make coins.
Pinboard They had me at ALL CAPS SUBJECT but lost me at brogrammer.
introvertedwife Home is where the hearts are –Sampler on Galifrey.
usedwigs The true spirit of the holiday season isn’t about getting gifts, it’s about making love to Pitbull’s version of White Christmas.
rstevens Huh. All these years I thought “doing the nasty” meant booting into Windows. I see my former co-workers in a very different light now.
fart the only country club i want to go to is one with a fog machine and strobe lights in a sweet ass barn
hipstermermaid I don’t have cable but I make up for it with gifs.
apatheticist Boring day at work until MJ’s Dirty Diana played on the iTunes and now I have three sexual harassment lawsuits pending!
NicLewis Over the years, I’ve come to regard you as someone I’ve met. #NeutralGreetingCards
NicLewis You now own a greeting card. #NeutralGreetingCards
Quadrupus I am aware that your tradition involves something about oil at this time. #NeutralGreetingCards
Quadrupus To you, procreation is no longer a complete mystery. #NeutralGreetingCards
MyVogonPoetry It’s a Day! #NeutralGreetingCards
NicLewis Most societies celebrate holidays. Ours is no different. #NeutralGreetingCards
RLS6 If I was asked to make a choice, I wouldn’t choose that you remain ill for all of eternity. #NeutralGreetingCards
lowdudgeon Your Term of Study Has Come to an End. The Term of Paying Back the Student Loan Commences. #NeutralGreetingCards
rockskimmer Have a day. #NeutralGreetingCards
TheWallStBull Apparently, your office supplies will be up for grabs at the end of the week. Correct? #NeutralGreetingCards
pooblemoo Whatever your belief, I convey the appropriate corresponding sentiment #NeutralGreetingCards
TheWallStBull You have achieved a goal for which a card is customarily sent. Please confirm receipt of this card for my records. #NeutralGreetingCards
rockskimmer This cost me money. It cost you none, yet is mostly useless to you. This is confusing. That is all. #NeutralGreetingCards
Greeblemonkey I love it when people put the whole body of an email in the subject line. Just kidding, that is terrible.
TheBlackStar While playing with a deck of cards last night Kingston turned to me and said “I floop the pig.”, it was pretty awesome.
slackmistress Waiting for the notice that I made the “10 Best Twitter Accounts by 40-year Old Women With More Than 8200 But Fewer Than 8400 Followers.”
jerryrenek Dear Santa, please post some of your favorite elf meat holiday recipes on your website.
sgnp My kid is almost seven and I’m now waking her up instead of the other way around. Revenge is well-intentioned.
sween You don’t understand how important spelling is until you have an eggnog topped with “nutsmeg”.
CwickRedden cuss like a sailor, french kiss like a pirate, spawn like a squid, pod like a whale. i know the ocean romances.
palinode Have you tried to see all of the Internet in one afternoon? Cannot be done, people. It takes all day.
VaguelyFunnyDan Hey guys, let’s have a 32 text message volley that could have been covered by a 90-second phone conversation. Cool? Cool.
gfunkified YOU GUYS. I’m in possession of a picture of all four kids with Santa, and no one is crying. It’s a Christmas miracle!
owlparliament the last time I went to an all-ages show someone asked me what school I went to and I said the university of Alberta 4 years ago
trumpetcake PJ Harvey sings, “I can’t believe life’s so complex, when I just wanna sit here and watch you undress,” and here I am, nude, eating Fritos.
shellipants Me: I’m gonna come over and fix you something to eat. Gpa: Why? Is it broken?
palinode Christmas trees always look as if they’re being abducted.
SeanBlazed Brought a cat for the gift exchange
mariannecanada Cause of Death: Royal Icing.
galiamango As I said “Listen, bucko. I have fed you, clothed you,” he interrupted me. “My name is Bruno! I am a dog. I neither wear clothes nor speak.”
Stella1070 I like my vitamin D in the form of a week in the Bahamas. My bank account says I’ll take it in the form of the expired milk in the fridge.
xunglam “Damn, why are we so close to the sun?” “First world problems” – conversation on Mercury
JenBanksYEG Someone should make an Elf on the Shelf horror movie based on my nightmares.
MassageByTed The b.o. situation has graduated from “gentle reminder of my humanity/physicality” to “neighbors wondering if they should call the police.”
catagator Did 95% of my gift shopping at the drug store. Related: no one ever seems excited about my gifts like I do.
OhNoSheTwitnt Being in a book club would sound way cooler if it was called being in a book gang.
owlparliament I baked six dozen cookies today and now I have contact diabetes.
Classy_Cassy89 It messes with me how antelopes and cantaloupes aren’t really related.
JessicaNorthey No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesperson is to interrupt & ask “but does it work on cats?”
apatheticist I’m at the age where eating a big breakfast is equivalent to falling off a ladder.
Angel__Bee Driving to see Santa and Allie is singing Hava Nagila in the back of the car
usedwigs If you text someone “Food to see you!” instead of “Good to see you!” do not correct yourself, just send them a hoagie gift basket.
longwall26 Depressed? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar
Home_Halfway “Aww geez, egg on my face!” – Sperm
kelkulus People who yell at their TVs are irritating. Stuff like “What the hell?!” and “Stop stealing my television” gets so annoying.
ryanholmancomic “let’s get this show on the road” – guy who started Antique Road Show.
SSDated If I ever Twittercide I hope you all refer to it realistically and call it what it really is. A public adult hissyfit ending in jazz hands.
kellyasterisk Today I tried talking to some people in real life and it was nothing like twitter at ALL.
morninggloria Loaded Baked Potato soup is technically gravy.
taralibrara OH: oh you just wait until the shoes drops on the other foot.
shkeeber Mom: Pass the salt. Me: *stares at salt* Mom: Hello? Me: *concentrates/trembles* Dad: You don’t have the force. Me: CONCENTR- *poops*
Hadzilla Maybe not perform gold digger when you’re asking for money
nPhelendriqal “Fish, More Fish, Gray Fish, Gray Fish.” – Dogtor Seuss.
biorhythmist I experimented with laundry in college.
shinyinfo Do we have American Chillers? Guuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrllllllllllllllll
johnmoe “Mr. President! Mr. President! MR. PRESIDENT!!!” “What?!” “Um…. uh…. I have a kitty.” #ToddlerWhiteHouseReporter
DamienFahey It makes sense the pope knew about his Twitter account for a while, yet only now is he finally ready to come forward and say something.
jennyvsjenny i’m getting a really strange sense of liquid courage from all these soy sauce packets i’m drinking.
Smethanie Parenting is all about finding the right balance of coffee and anti-anxiety medication.