Have a great weekend!
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
Pinboard For best results, do everything right
WilliamAder I’ll click on a What-are-you-doing-in-this-video? link before I’ll click on that #Discover tab.
SarcasticRover Did we ever get all our bases back from those guys to whom they all belonged? Just checking.
annetdonahue “I see dead people.” – a coroner simplifies his job description
beanmoriarty I think a good pick up line would be, “Girl, I want to respect you.”
wordlust I’m putting my money where my mouth is: all over your mom.
J__Swift I changed my mind. I’ve decided to go shopping instead of doing laundry. I need a new gun. #boringtweetsaved
NicLewis I can’t finish this soup. It’s grown too powerful to kill. #BoringTweetSaved
J__Swift I’m going to do laundry today. Hope I can get all the blood out. #boringtweetsaved
TheRedQueen If your “professional” email is @yahoo, This is the face I make as I delete it :/
FakeLibStats 99% of policy manuals state that when using another person’s desk staff must adjust seat, monitor angle & stapler location
biorhythmist Who peed in your Cheerios? Carl? Yeah, he does that sometimes. Sorry.
rstevens The only color paint they sell at the Area 51 Home Depot is called “Taupe Secret”.
BugginWord I know it’s not even noon, but my boobs don’t have to be anywhere for 3 hours and the mountains on that bottle of Coors are deep blue.
colegamble Lesson of the Twilight Series: Girls love pale, sparkly, mythic creatures with magical powers. Ergo, every girl wants to hump a unicorn.
shariv67 I’m not going to lie to you: I have absolutely no exit-strategy from this couch.
donni “Well, Shriveled Coke Dick is taken. Maybe Limp Bizkit?” -How I assume Limp Bizkit was named
LouisPeitzman My yoga sweats became my eatin’ sweats.
mocoddle Poor Little Debbie. Have you ever noticed what old, old eyes she has? She has seen too much.
NicLewis Now I know I’ve studied too much. When I speak, all that comes out is the Dukes of Hazzard theme song.
kellyasterisk Missed Connection: I was the one standing on the subway trying to hold my liquor store bag while devouring a package of Swedish berries.
mikeleffingwell “Shaken, not stirred” – James Bond, horrible babysitter
ProfessorSnack This Waldorf salad keeps trying to heckle me, but only gives the set-up.
shinyinfo The Soaring Eagle should open a laundromat & put slot machines in it. Go where the quarters are! #FreeBusinessAdvice
sgnp Using cheat codes is an unfair way to win a video game. For some, however, winning is not the purpose. Jetpacks are fun.
prodigalsam Donuts are the sweatpants of breakfast food.
LaytesAgain I’m pretty religious during a rough bowel movement.
JRehling I don’t like to brag, but I once set the world’s record for youngest person ever.
WookieOnUnicorn not to brag, but i was totally knockin’ the boots earlier. then the sales clerk asked me to put them back on the shelf and leave the store.
lilpyrogirl If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my cats, it’s this: most problems can be solved by going back to bed.
usedwigs Just finished the Philly Marathon. My least favorite sign was “I HOPE YOU GET HURT JEFF LYONS!”
wordlust I fuck like a Viking in the sense that I say “By the hammer of Thor!” a lot.
Zaius13 I haven’t been to Denny’s since that time the guy in the booth behind me kept farting “help me” in morse code.
kungfupussy Do you lose hipster cred points for walking around singing ‘Blame It On The Rain?”
FlyteAphrodite I never realized how much a Wii remote & nunchuck combo looks like a vibrator til I just had a heart attack seeing it on my Amazon wishlist.
PolyesterPony I’m cleaning! (I’m randomly stuffing shit into big black garbage bags.)
theanalogdivide Kid just launched an episode of Sesame Street on the Xbox by himself. He’ll be 19mo tomorrow.
emilysteers Facebook makes me really happy to know that there is zero chance i will ever marry someone i knew when i was 14.
Pat_Bren I know it’s still a little early to be saying this, but I hope all of your funerals go well.
mypetshadow I’ve discovered that the only way to keep my house clean is to start fires occasionally.
MySecondEmpire Just read that the Canadian Twinkie industry will remain unaffected. SOCIALISM WINS AGAIN.
ProfessorSnack In order to make an omelette you have break some hearts sexing up a chicken.
IraIosebashvili Lincoln is doing well in theaters. Historically, this has not been true.
timeblimp TIDY BOWL #KnuckleTattoos
MollyRingwraith SUBT WEET #KnuckleTattoos
Quadrupus NOPE OWLS #KnuckleTattoos
rockskimmer THER EMIN #KnuckleTattoos
marlespo PORK LOIN #KnuckleTattoos
LouisPeitzman The cum trees are in full bloom, and my neighborhood smells like bukkake.
kelkulus Canadian interrogations don’t yield much information, as terrorists are rarely intimidated by the use of snowboarding.
BeTheBoy Friday night and I’m in bed by 9:30; this is good living. If you’re out tonight, stay off my lawn.
donni None of the cops in this precinct will settle their beef with me on the dance floor.
Cheeseboy22 Run in place on a treadmill while it is turned off. When someone at the gym finally stops by and shows you how to turn it on say, “Ohhh”.
bebehblog Now I’m going to listen to NPR podcasts and turn a cardboard playhouse into a fairy cottage. Damn my Friday nights are sexy.
SangyeH Somewhere in a darkened room, Pat Robertson is reading aboutHostess & mumbling excitedly to himself, “The 7th seal has been opened!”
willgoldstein I just lit (lavender) incense in our house to see what it would smell like. Instant regret, that’s what.
introvertedwife Am pretending to write my poking my laptop with a stick while keeping my eyes shut.
cryanathus Today’s best Google search that led someone to my blog: “story of a super penis.” FINALLY PEOPLE UNDERSTAND.
annetdonahue Love how Edward just goes, “BREAK IT DAWN!” and the Twilight series ends with a dance party.
lillianbehrendt I consider an outfit a success when it’s tight enough to show off the number of snacks I hide in my underwear
RideOrDiePudge In Hawaii, choreographing a 3 hour hula routine that will completely retell the entire first season of “Family Ties.”
willgoldstein I also have serious brand preferences for cleaning and cooking materials. Suck on that, Stereotypical Gender Roles.
petersagal Too much cheese, according to tweeps, leads to a) constipation, b) bliss, c) no such thing as too much cheese. Will look forward to all!
TheSuniverse Being a professional means realizing you have food on your shirt BEFORE you go into a meeting. I am a rank amateur.
pontiuslabar San Francisco tourist tip: Never forget you are walking in an open-air mental health ward.
MassageByTed My other car is the sound of a moose stepping on bagpipes
ryanqnorth Just tried to spell “wife” as “wuff”. We’re far past typo territory now. We are deep in the land of Brain Problems
badbanana It’s almost that time of year where I don’t feel weird eating a cookie shaped like a dude.
Wildsau How uncool is it that we don’t call a group of squids a squad? That’s an injustice right there.
kelkulus “‘Expecto Patraeus!’ shouts Shrek Skywalker, as he rescues the twinkies from Channing Tatum.” — First line of my book, “Twitter, the Novel”
quantumpotpie If – say, in some sort of survival scenario – you had to eat Kevin Bacon, would that make your Bacon number zero?
MassageByTed A water fountain, but for powdered cheddar cheese #GetRich #franchisingopportunitiesavailable #AskMeHow
johnmoe Hostess going out of business just as wave of pot legalization starts to spread. Two ships passing in the night.
MrWordsWorth Guy Fieri starts each day by marinating in A1 Steak Sauce.
theleanover Pie is fucking dumb. The crust should be rolled up burrito-style and baked with filling and it should be called a feelings tube.
theleanover I sure hope ghosts don’t hump me in my sleep.
donni 5% of all people are holograms. Slap everyone in the face periodically to check.
biorhythmist My OKCupid profile is just a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich and a copy of my third grade report card
marlespo coffee in my snore holes
theleanover Hope I don’t run into any “Team Wilkes Booth” people while I’m wearing my “Team Lincoln” shirt to the movies tomorrow.
DadBeard I know you’re not asking, but listen: never, ever, take unsolicited advice.
theneener I’ve seen and heard a lot of people mention “waffles” and “biscuits” and that’s all I can think about now. I’m sorry, other thoughts.
readingsarah Saw a 1 lady + 6 cats stick figure family decal on the back of a car. I LOLed and then remembered I tweet/FB exclusively abt my pets.
wordlust Remember, there’s nothing you can’t do, except for most things.
KenJennings I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying.
InfiniteChicken When life gives you lemonade, make urine
creeple As a woman, I don’t understand things like Phil Collins and peeing outside.
ApocalypseHow I’ve spent the entire day in pajama pants, which is either an incredible failure – or an incredible triumph. #TheUnwashableDream
introvertedwife I look forward to explaining the plot of The Hobbit to my mother while we watch it.
pushinghoops calories from cake don’t count as long as you fork it directly into your mouth without cutting a slice first + cry a little.
jenniferkohl I didn’t realize Twitter kept going post-campaign.
johnmoe All nightly newscasts should end with the anchor saying, “Good night and go away.”
ecareyo I just cried while watching an episode of Gossip Girl. I also love sports
louisvirtel Some girl group should dedicate a song to One Direction called “What Makes You Think I Don’t Know I’m Beautiful (You Patronizing Elves)?”
Metalligretch It’s scarf season, bitches. This is what we’ve been training for.
FarrenSquare Make dinner at me baby. Oh yeah. I love it when you clean dishes so hard.
MrWordsWorth Before the world ends, I just want you to know I liked some of you more than others.
bucktoothmama How many sweaters can you wear at one time without looking totally unhinged? Asking for a friend.
prodigalsam If this barista misspells my name again I swear I’m going to sheepishly take my drink & quietly walk away!
georgelazenby the best revenge is no longer caring.