Have a great weekend!
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
nerdsrocket If this whole presidency thing doesn’t pan out, I’d watch the heck out of a Mitt Romney episode of Undercover Boss.
waitinthevan Guys, did you know WebMD has a magazine? Now you can diagnose yourself with cancer when there’s no wifi!
lilpyrogirl Things I just heard come out of my mouth: I can’t math that in my head.
MrWordsWorth The SUV says family man. The very loud Snoop Dogg says you are ready to change identities and bolt if necessary.
usedwigs Let’s put our political differences aside and come together as a nation to pretend “CrossFit Training for Kids” is not really a thing.
PrettyAllTrue I am just tipsy enough to think I could possibly be the next accordion-playing Lady Gaga. Are lessons expensive?
paulapoundstone My fantasy football team helps with the dishes.
PoorRobin The Mr is forcing me to watch a horror film. Jokes on him-I am TOTALLY peeing the bed rather than getting up in the night.
LetMeStart For those of you who are already in sweats or PJs at 830 on a Saturday night: Don’t tell the others, but we’re The Cool Kids.
GalleyGuy Went apartment hunting today. Saw a sign that said “Book Sale”. Did not find any apartments.
rstevens Achievement Unlocked: Accidentally leave fly open and drop ice cream into it.
trumpetcake “Fart” is an ugly word. I prefer “wind crimes.”
owlpacino Tom Selleck and his mustache are the most solid celebrity relationship ever.
jillsmo I couldn’t find my phone. It was underneath a cat. I don’t know why I don’t just look there first.
YWIR Man, you know you’re a shitty person when care bears come flying down on cloud cars, all pissed at you, rainbowbeams scalding your body.
jillsmo I don’t think people lie about their age when they get older, I think they just forget how old they actually are.
brendohare KEEP CALM AND CARRY MOM
annetdonahue Wow okay we get it screaming toddlers, “life is hard.”
TheThomason brb cruel world
Bored_Ghost The elderly neighbours have their tv on full volume, floated through the wall and put it on mute, they think they’ve gone deaf! Classic
matthewbaldwin Romney should capitalize on his inept campaign by launching a new product. “Mitts®: Gloves for the Ham-Fisted™”
ScrewyDecimal I’m managing to make even “Can I help you?” sound sarcastic today.
palinode Whoah. #Endeavor just came into this 7-Eleven and didn’t pay for a Big Gulp. “I’ve been in orbit, losers,” it said on the way out.
robdelaney CRAZY line at the methadone clinic – I mean Apple store – today.
wordlust Fuck my life but please cuddle it after and take it out for Swedish pancakes.
sgnp My daughter wanted me to let Siri listen to an episode of “Shake It Up” on TV because she thought that Siri might like it.
VaguelyFunnyDan When you saw only one carbon footprint, I was carrying you.
RattleIHead always the favorite, never the RT.
slackmistress I will never be as relaxed as a woman in a tampon commercial.
markleggett If anyone ever shouts “YO! WHERE THE PARTY AT?”, the party is now as far away from that person as it can possibly get.
That_Biz Hey you guys, the tomato-peppers-garlic juice I had for dinner is giving me incredible heart burn! Who woulda thunk?! HAHAHA OMFG DYING.
shariv67 Never pick a fight with a costumed performer at a renaissance faire. They literally have nothing to lose.
usedwigs HELP! Who wants to go halfsies on this Nutri-Grain bar? These bite-sized bad boys are so filling!!! (now eating wrapper)
gogobitohoney Being a librarian would be a billion times more fun if I got to tackle the people who set off the security gates with unchecked books.
alwysabridesmd My new mystery to solve is who keeps taking the Jumble into the ladies room and leaving it in the stall unfinished. ON THE CASE YOU GUYS.
theleanover A lot of people talk about “striving” and “success” but I dunno, giving up has done wonders for my stress and disappointment problems.
Schmoodles I’m sick of getting blamed for stuff I’d thought I’d gotten away with.
FactHive Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
VaguelyFunnyDan That awkward moment when Freddy Krueger attacks you but forgot his gloves, so he just kinda pokes you a few times then dives into the bushes
TheEricGosselin Oh gross, dog. Why you licking my feet? I didn’t say stop.
hipstermermaid Every pancake is a gift.
Mortimusgerbil So I just googled it, and there are no soap operas made exclusively with toads. Life just got a little sadder.
WillyFerrell After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F.
jennyvsjenny don’t forget to tag your instagram pic of your home pedicure: cute pink toes princess relaxing ideservethis badday smiley beautiful angel :)
SarcasticRover Kids, if a stranger comes up to you and offer you a science – DO THAT SCIENCE!
badbanana Experts are doubting the authenticity of that papyrus scrap now that they realize it’s actually referencing Jesus’ Wi-Fi.
TheBosha Of course Jesus was married, that’s why he faked his own death.
badbanana The overarching storyline that connects all 14,614 of my tweets? That I am wasting my life.
JulieFroolie I know how it goes: I drive over a cliff; car tumbles over rocks; lands, car explodes; I emerge, with a fetching scratch on my cheek.
theleanover Who wants to go for a ride in my fuck wagon? *points at a little red wagon that says “FUCK” on the side*
mermaidpants Does anyone else get really nostalgic for awesome pens you used to have?
pelicansado if you don’t like this, you should see my tumblr account
jgamet I’m training everyone at #DenverTweetup to call them “battle ponies” instead of “unicorns.”
introvertedwife If dancing in the kitchen is wrong then I don’t wanna OH GOD THE CUPBOARDS ARE ON FIRE!
VaguelyFunnyDan If we don’t learn from the typos of the past, we are doomed to retweet them.
mikeleffingwell Switching heads on a family photo using photoshop = funny. Switching heads on a family camping using a machete = hilarious
thereverendcink This convenient store bathroom was so disgusting; it was the 1st time I’ve ever had the shit scared in me
ChaseMit Check out Gwyneth Paltrow’s weekly blogozine Goop, her bimonthly radiobook Glorb, or her semiannual showzipod Zibulor.
funnybrad I texted my GF “Can’t wait for the new episode of Honey Boo-Boo!” My phone auto-corrected it to say “You should dump me.”
Stella1070 “It’s a beauty mark.” How I respond when someone notices the dried gravy on my chin.
WorrierQueen I’m pretty sure I had some redeemable qualities at some point, but apparently all the coupons expired. .
swonderful Incredibly stressed about 175 things but Alice just told me she sang “The Hipsy Dipsy Spider” at school today, so I’m okay.
sodslawyer Red sky at night, shepherd’s pie #confusedidioms
wawoodworth The statement “please control your children” would be more effective if they let me hold a cattle prod in my hands when I said it.
debenham Guy riding his motorcycle bareheaded, helmet slung from the handlebars. The EMTs will appreciate having something to scoop his brains into!
StevenAndrais I know when God closes a door he opens a window sounds inspirational but it’s also something that people who leave their dogs in the car do.
Psquatch HGTV PITCHES: – We Painted Your Desk When You Were At The DMV – Now Your Bed Is Over Here – Condo Aflame! – Is There Enough Wicker In Here?
mattlemay “Romney” to the tune of the Cranberries’ “Zombie.” You’re welcome.
B_Hay From all these emails I’m getting from President Obama about having dinner with him and Jay-Z, I’m starting to think nobody else RSVP’d
bumlaser I use Google to look-up spellings. If I’m murdered, detectives will think I was part of some kind of Cincinnati diarrhoea bukkake syndicate.
midlifemixtape Good news from the eye doctor. I don’t need bifocals. I just need to stop wearing another family member’s lens in my right eye.
KaseyAnderson People drivers are the worst.
badbanana The 7pm nap is a dangerous game.
iboudreau Maybe now isn’t the right time to share this, but as president, Romney would change the national pastime to bumfights.
TheEricGosselin Crimping ain’t easy. My hair looks like shit today.
GameCouch We need Talk Like The Hulk Day.
Disalmanac Today in 1837, the jewelry store Tiffany & Co. was founded. This tragically led to that awful 1990s song “Breakfast At Tiffany’s.”
DaggerByte If you’re having girl problems, I feel bad for you, son/If you need to talk or just vent, I’m your dad and you can talk to me about anything
sbellelauren see that pretty girl? she has a fart gun in her butt
introvertedwife I don’t trust belts. They know things
TeaPartyCat Romney: “My comments about the 47% were not elegantly stated. They were off the cuff. I should’ve said ‘let them eat cake.'”
HapaKoleaJen A zit right next to Crow’s feet is the horrible dichotomy of my life.
LouisPeitzman Found a way to insert “Caligula-esque” into a story.
eshep Oh God. Soon we’ll be hearing Trans-Siberian Orchestra again.
sharongracepjs Publishing dance parties: you think someone’s grinding on you, but it’s actually just another girl’s tote bag.
wordlust I’ve got success written all over me. It must’ve happened when I passed out.
theleanover I really enjoyed Mitt Romney’s episode of Candid Camera.
chickenscottpie Whenever clients breathlessly tell me to keep something confidential, it’s always something nobody would ever want to know ever.
michellehudson JUST FYI: I have an “awesome” category for calendar events and I put all coffee meetings in that category.
HonestToddler Lying on my back in the grocery store just thinking life & love & anger.