Here are some scenes from a recent nature walk.
Have a great weekend!
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
theleanover I hooked up a potato clock apparatus to a watermelon and accidentally invented a time machine.
LSH85 I imagine that I blow my nose exactly opposite of how Audrey Hepburn blew her nose.
Student_Pains Math. The only place where people buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.
hipstermermaid I want a pet unicorn because it would be the most magical way to impale my enemies.
theleanover I’m going to let this iPhone 5 sail on by and wait until they make one that can hug me.
DamienFahey It’s nice knowing that even the most idiotic thing you’ve done today has already been eclipsed by the guy who just bought an iPhone 4S.
lvvzz If pizza was a person, it would win the Nobel Peace Prize every year.
sween I put on button-fly jeans this morning and I didn’t even notice! (My fly’s been unbuttoned since this morning.)
apodixis I say the word “meow” a LOT more often than before I had cats.
donni I consider myself a Unicorn-American.
MassageByTed I’m feeling a murder coming on.
sarabethw No good options on tv. Do I hate-watch Bring It On: All or Nothing or Rocky IV?
thebooksluts Just excised a shirtless dude who looked like he was from the 70’s from a friend’s vacation photo. I am a photoshop superhero.
MassageByTed The latest Instagram update is a huge improvement because it contains a new script that tells you it can’t retrieve anything.
LouisPeitzman When I’m in my 60s and I pay three older women to reenact The Golden Girls with me, will that be adorable or sad?
ApocalypseHow Kris Jenner calling Honey Boo Boo’s mom exploitative? Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle “eligible to date a Kardashian?”
brianadamsboone My woman better have dinner ready, or by God, we are going to discuss what it is we’re going to make for dinner, and then make it together.
ModernSauce Taco Bell needed a celebrity chef to tell them to put corn and guac in a bowl? I would have done it for an enchirito.
morninggloria “Man cave” will never not sound like a euphemism for “butthole.”
LouisPeitzman According to Klout, I am HEMORRHAGING influence.
taralibrara Voicemails in the voice of Bane ranting about Batman’s childish cape are always welcome.
theRratedBull Nothing pisses me off more than having to cut off a millimeter of a freeze pop just to get it open.
julieklausner If I had to re-edit of The Shining, I’d make it two and a half hours of Scatman Crothers just listing the meats in the walk-in freezer.
mitdasein The greatest trick the devil ever played probably had something to do with Nutella.
sgnp Sending a six-year-old to apologize to an adult who used the word “shit” to describe her antics may SEEM like the wrong way to handle it…
Smethanie When a girl says she wants a guy who’s into the same things she is, she means who hates all the same people she hates.
Ty_Schutz Taken 2? Christ, just find a new family.
KeepinItSnazzy Just said “I’ll let that chill for a bit” referring to an ice tray and laughed for like 3 minutes alone in my kitchen
LSH85 If I ever developed a more acute sense of hearing, I would probably kill everyone I live with.
Angel__Bee I must ask Matt for glasses of water 40 times a day. He does it with the same resigned dutifulness as one would have refilling a dog bowl.
introvertedwife You can make anything creepy if you have a bunch of grade school kids sing it slowly.
HenriLeChatNoir Cats respect your desire to sleep through your hangover. We do not need your help to poop.
JRehling If you’re full of anger, it’s not healthy to keep that tension all bottled up inside. But it makes things nicer for the rest of us. Thanks!
ruthakers I can relate to Jesus in that both of us have blood made of alcohol.
MmeSurly Turns out letting my 3yo bring a hockey stick to church wasn’t exactly the best idea. Hindsight!
TheNextMartha There should be some marital law that whoever wakes up first is the one to make the coffee.
MassageByTed I waited too long to start giving my kids exploding cigars and now they’re soft as hell.
BridgetCallahan I was fucked up and tooling around that astrology site last night, and this morning my inbox is full of depression meds spam. Coincidence?
ElizMcQuern If You Give a Mouse a Cookie You’ll Just Create a Welfare State #badbooksforchildren
cottonr You’re different… and that’s bad! #badbooksforchildren
kerri9494 Where the Sidewalk Begins: The Poems and Drawing of Ladies of the Evening. #badbooksforchildren
WOWFlashback Mold, Eggs and Ham #badbooksforchildren
dylanw The Diary of a Pimpy Kid #badbooksforchildren
bridgetstewart Charlotte’s Web of Lies #badbooksforchildren
Hooberbloob Horton Hires A Ho #badbooksforchildren
cdharrison Bi-Curious George. #badbooksforchildren
cdharrison Mommy & Daddy Weren’t Wrestling. #badbooksforchildren
MightyQuinn72 The kids must be having a sleepover cause I just walked in the door and smell of popcorn and feet hit me square in the face.
JulieFroolie All hopped up on iced tea, Benadryl and malt balls. Who wants to dance fight, West Side Story style?
fart fuck crackle, marry pop, kill snap
mitdasein Don’t touch any stray Juggalos you find. If you mark them with your scent, they can’t return to the wild.
trumpetcake According to the results of this handwriting analysis I’m a porpoise.
fleshcake Hit me up if you need your cat ordained. No questions.
KeepinItSnazzy I thought duct tape fixed everything but the nausea just keeps getting worse
jillsmo Hey it’s the 2 day laundryfest! I mean weekend.
Bored_Ghost Just heard the man tell his friend that he think the house has some ghosts. SOME GHOSTS!? I Thought it was just me, very fucking scared now!
sbellelauren whenever anybody’s being serious i just assume that they’re drunk
juliadavidovich business idea: vlad the impaler themed restaurant
iamfoxyroxie Nothing like running into your super religious aunt with a handful of lacey thongs at Marshalls.
JermHimselfish Maybe if we all stare at our phones hard enough everything else will go away.
hipstermermaid I prefer the Duggars’ earlier children.
JulieFroolie Got a good performance review, but the “Julie, awesome boob day!” compliment from a female co-worker is what I will cherish.
introvertedwife Pushing rocks up hill is for pussies. If I’m ever in charge of hell I’ll punish people by making them find the ends of packing tape.
amateurgourmet I just ousted Thomas Hardy as the Mayor of Casterbridge.
alexanderchee Uptown Girl started playing as I entered the Dunkin Donuts and it felt like it was my entrance music.
TheJamieTighe “I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Twitter isn’t real and just a side effect of your meds.” – Says my flying giraffe, Alan.
sbellelauren porn is so unrealistic who would have sex while the pizza was getting cold so stupid
ChiTownLimey My neck still hurts from that time I looked up from my phone.
himissjulie My cat bit my hand yesterday & now there is swelling & I don’t know what’s worse, that or having CAT SCRATCH FEVER running through my head.
rstevens I’d take a job cataloguing Antarctic core samples for geological research simply to yell, “FREEZE, DIRTBAGS!” all day.
iboudreau Hey, a movie about a haunted box full of demon bugs isn’t “based on a true story,” you assholes.
RideOrDiePudge Betcha can’t eat just one…grape-flavored children’s chewable Benadryl.
UNTRESOR These jorts were made for krumpin/and that’s just what they’ll do/one of these days these jorts are gonna krump all over you
Mortimusgerbil Sometimes I have vague fond memories of Productivity. Sometimes Productivity still writes haikus about me.
taralibrara Looks like I might up nursing this food baby all night.
notoriousjwc Just sneezed so hard my phone turned on. I’M MAGIC!
TeriBussart I thought Chris Christie was a town in Texas.
dubouchet “Opportunities are like sandwiches. You must seize them, eat them, and NEVER SHIT THEM OUT GOD BLESS AMERICA!” (confused applause) #RNC
TacoBell “I love you” has eight letters. So does “Taco Bell.”
donni Barney and Baby Bop: Siblings or lovers?
theleanover smdh if you don’t sing “Puttin’ On The Tits” when you’re getting ready for a drag show
MassageByTed switching from to-do lists to make-do lists
pontiuslabar The most powerful spam filter ever written will destroy any email with more than one exclamation point.
ScrewyDecimal Hush little patrons, please don’t yell…or this librarian will see you in hell. #librarylullaby
Garrett_Moriati “Asparagus!!!” – Italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
PuppyDreams66 “Does anyone else smell that?” #FunThingToSayInAnElevator
BrewtBlacklist I need a dollar. Do you have a dollar? I could really use a dollar. A dollar would help me out a lot. A dollar. #FunThingToSayInAnElevator
earlfando This is a very impressive shaft. #FunThingToSayInAnElevator
NicLewis “Call me Ishmael. Several years ago, nevermind how long exactly…” #FunThingToSayInAnElevator
NicLewis “This reminds me of this one time at elevator camp…” #FunThingToSayInAnElevator
rockskimmer “OK, could I ask everyone to keep feet flat on the floor? It’s a rather expensive & jumpy tarantula I’ve dropped” #FunThingToSayInAnElevator
BrewtBlacklist My wife got pregnant in one of these. This one, in fact. That’s the rail she held. Yessir, bent right over. #FunThingToSayInAnElevator
MyVogonPoetry Interested in a little Vogon Poetry? #FunThingToSayInAnElevator
GreenEyedLilo In case this elevator gets stuck for a while-and it might-I think we need to decide who gets eaten first. #FunThingToSayInAnElevator
PuppyDreams66 “Everyone here can swim, right?”#FunThingToSayInAnElevator
NicLewis “If you jump really hard, you can hear the cables flex.” #FunThingToSayInAnElevator
juicymorsel Sometimes I eat a hot dog from the street vendor just to see if it’s my time to go.
rstevens Who has the TIME to both haterate AND hollerate these days. If only there was a product that did both!
TheFuckingCat Thank fuck for free speech. Given that, some people should be scratched across the mouth.
swonderful Hal took a three hour nap today. So, instead of sleeping right now he is shriek-screaming, “NAM I MAN OR NAM I UH MUPPET!”