My garden never really got off the ground this year, but I am super proud of the poppies that managed to thrive through my neglect. Go nature, go!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

Smethanie I think Empty Nest Syndrome is really just a side effect of macaroni and cheese withdrawals.

ApocalypseHow “How DARE this free thing not provide me instantaneous, immaculate service!” (Me, about 800x a day online)

a_outburst vet won’t give me info about what shots my adopted cat has had “because of the Privacy Act”. Since when does my cat care about privacy?

000___000 My kid named her hamster Hamlet and she claims to have invented this name. Also it’s a girl hamster. Also sometimes it’s pronounced Hamplet.

slackmistress People are always saying I’m not a lady. I’m tired of flashing them to prove it. :(

mitdasein Like Janis, Jimi, and Kurt, Keith Richards was 27 the first time he died.

markleggett Doesn’t it make you proud to see someone from your country win an Olympic medal? Just think, you were both born in the same general area!

asterios Jordana Brewster’s Millions: Jordana Brewster falls into a treasury press & is turned into a million dollars. Your move, Hollywood.

waferbaby What time does the Minecraft bit of the Olympics get shown?

vforrestal Nibblz comes over, face-nuzzles me, and then lets me hold her like a teddy bear while she purrs. THIS IS WHY SHE GETS ANYTHING SHE WANTS.

LouisPeitzman I feel impossibly sad every time the fan rotates away from me.

sgnp Good thing #MentionSomethingAboutYourself is trending. I feel like up until this point Twitter was just waiting for an excuse.

theleanover Do we all have that Facebook friend who sends us gigantic block-of-text messages? I just want to make sure I’m not being punished by karma.

emilysteers that Lochte commercial says “you can’t buy your way to the Olympics.” unless you’re a Romney and can afford a well-coordinated thoroughbred.

bryanQmiller Is it wrong to deeply hope the US Gymnastics gals solve crimes when they aren’t on the floor?

mSperoni Livestream censors “shit” and “fuck” but not “fuckshit”. It’s like it’s trying to make us invent more powerful cuss words.

Mortimusgerbil Movie idea: A buttocks suddenly becomes rebellious and sags due to a witch’s curse or something-mostly it’s about how I need to do more yoga

DamienFahey Without any montages the entire Olympics would only be 24 minutes long.

theleanover Margarineface! I had no idea where I was going with that. Sorry.

paulapoundstone I hope Michael Phelps doesn’t have to talk to the NBC poolside reporter ever again.

DearAnyone I think the most impressive record of the Olympics is how long Michael Phelps has kept his mouth open.

hipstermermaid Hope the new neighbor realizes I was doing an impression of Lumpy Space Princess for the past 15 minutes/ I don’t actually talk like this.

vladchoc Kick-ass baby name idea: “Kick-ass baby”.

poeticappetite I don’t trust people who can work with an m&m jar on their desk.

nicfit75 Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels.

donni Edible underwear, babe? My whole outfit’s edible! Try the cheese shirt.

pourmecoffee Microsoft renaming Hotmail to Outlook but people probably won’t reactivate since first part of address is probably iluvpikachu17.

marlespo My brother walking across the room to show me a tweet on his phone: Physical Retweet.

mattfraction you say “vince vaughn BRADY BUNCH reboot” i hear “mayan apocalypse mayan apocalypse”

sbellelauren so you can just change your name? ok from now on please refer to me as lord waffles

MrWordsWorth ‘What do we want?’ ‘Time travel!’ ‘When do we want it?’ ‘Yesterday!’

jenunexpected They should arrange some kind of endorsement deal with Goody. Olympic-grade hair clips! Guaranteed to keep your glittery hair in place!

iboudreau Hey, if you want to sell me a cruise, there are better ways to do it than cold-calling my cell phone and blowing a foghorn in my ear.

JamesUrbaniak Finally Getting Into The Smiths #rejectedolympicevents

ChrisRRegan Duckface #RejectedOlympicEvents

KarenKilgariff Liking Bands First #RejectedOlympicEvents

Sandrine_1D  The Hunger Games #RejectedOlympicEvents

AshOfPalletTown  Pokémon battles #RejectedOlympicEvents

yangkenneth  The Cinnamon Challenge #RejectedOlympicEvents

MassageByTed Is it time for the closing ceremony yet? I understand that Paul McCartney will chop off Ryan Seacrest’s head.

FakeeEtiquette It is apparently rude to enable people to easily watch the Olympics online.

TheEricGosselin I’m inside of you right now. (Not in a sexual way. In a germ way)

apatheticist When speaking of the Kardashians, “I’d hit that” has a very literal meaning.

dubouchet The Hobbit is going to be three movies: 1) THE HOBBIT: THE DWARVES DO DISHES, 2) THE HOBBIT: STUCK IN A TREE, and 3) THE HOBBIT: BARRELS!

MassageByTed USA: many yogurt choices & the best interstate highway system in the world (excluding countries that still invest in infrastructure).

GrnEyedMnster Thank you Facebook for the “squirrel playing electric banjo” t-shirt ad placement. You truly know your demographic. #tinfoilhat

jlweinberg Walk of shame in front of your in-laws is just plain awkward.

matthewbaldwin My writer’s block has expanded into an entire borough.

Metalligretch If you made a pie chart illustrating the ratio of my food to non-food tweets, I’d probably eat that, too.

MmeSurly When he texts “in a meeting” that’s marriage code for “send me pictures of your butt.”

JettSuperior When working at home together works: We just had a conversation about coffee sung Bee Gees style.

LSH85 My real life is turning into Oregon Trail, and my oxen just drowned.

theleanover “Officer, if it IS called a dumpster then I DID just use it correctly.” – guy who invented the port-o-potty

weinerdog4life If you love someone, set them free, if they come back, they were a boomerang, you were in love in love with a boomerang.

Soulsmithy “If plants like water and plants like vitamins, they’ll REALLY like this Vitamin Water!” (murders vegetable garden, declares Idiocracy)

sarcasmically At the Dali museum. I mean, he’s no Bob Ross, but I guess the guy had some talent.

Jessicats8 When I’m scrolling through the channel guide and see ‘XXX Summer Olympics’, I think how the porn industry was handed this one.

KaseyAnderson Just high-fived a stranger because I got the last 3 Musketeers in a vending machine. I should not be allowed to even watch the Olympics.

michaeljnelson Mm, this hotel coffee tastes as though it was hand-crafted by an old lady in a Lutheran Church basement. You can really taste the water!

angryczeck I won the gold medal for not groaning “Boring” too loud in church today.

slackmistress I like to walk the fine line between too much and way, way too much.

bookrarian Why can’t everyone just have Totoro as a neighbor? The world would be a happier place.

FakeLibStats Remember: A pie chart is not an infographic unless it looks like a real pie

OuterJohn I tell the ladies it’s a silver medal in rugby, and DEFINITELY NOT a Jonas Bros CD I wear on a ribbon

january_samurai Today is Gary Gygax’s birthday. May his lich watch over your dice rolls.

DamienFahey Mitt Romney’s campaign song should be the theme from Frasier.

apodixis If you close your eyes and listen to “Hollaback Girl,” it sounds exactly like a duck quacking over a heavy beat.

meganmonique My intention was to get on Pinterest to look for dinner ideas. What ended up happening was several hours of DIY pinning. #FailOrSuccess

RideOrDiePudge Quit asking questions! Just pee in the cup! There will be no performance-enhancing drugs at my Olympics Party.

tallisfabulous Lucy is saying “You have to vacuum” over and over. I KNOW, OKAY? GET OFF MY BACK, TODDLER.

MassageByTed ROMNEY-SMITHERS 2012

kelkulus Whoever designed antidepressants so that it’s dangerous to mix them with alcohol sure knew fucking loads about depressed people.

Janelle_Tweets  move around that back side of yours female gender #LessSpecificSongs

KoolKatAlly  all my exes live in a part of the continental US #LessSpecificSongs

KeithBBergman Everybody’s Workin’ For Two Concurrent Days in the Near Future #LessSpecificSongs

VisibleJudd  Play That Rhythmically Interesting Noise In A Cultural Context, Caucasian Individual. #LessSpecificSongs

Jedimasterbator Hey Dude #LessSpecificSongs

KeithBBergman We Built This City on a Musical Subgenre #lessspecificsongs

TonyDijamco  That Gentleman Appears Similar to a Female #LessSpecificSongs

ninatypewriter I Want to Hold One of Your Limbs #LessSpecificSongs

snarkmonger Smells Like Deodorant #LessSpecificSongs

helenshowalter Have you ever noticed that seals are just dog mermaids?

thereverendcink I taught my dog how to say “I love you” in 6 months. Which is good because I’m still trying to teach my dad how to say it

BangGanged Girl, I’ll give you the world. But I mean, it’s right under your feet. You could probably just pick some up yourself. Don’t be so lazy.

osigat When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

J__Swift Oops, my finger slipped a bunch of times and I accidentally ordered some satin sheets.

markleggett You’re only raising your children to be “gender-neutral”? Ours are six and eight, and they have no idea what species they are.

donni Dragons: Buy or lease?

wordlust The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was setting Xenu and Thor up on a blind date.

TheDweck Make-up sex is great. I should fight with my dog more often!

QuinnK My phone tells me it’s dying as if I’ll suddenly decide to live that 9% of battery power to the fullest instead of tweeting about farts.

ApocalypseHow Can’t seem to find investors for my new food venture, “Morningwood Farms Single Sausages.”

SuperStripers I’m still hoping that my day will end with a freeze frame of me laughing while the theme from The Rockford Files plays

steveagee Is it poontang or punetang? Need to know fast, I’m writing a sympathy card

SuperStripers “You have my permission to dye.”–Bane teaching a fabrics class.

theleanover   I can hear a shopping cart down being pushed down my alley. I think those racoons are drunk again.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.