Today’s post features flowers from the horticultural exhibit at the Stanislaus County Fair. I just took some quick snaps with my phone as it was the end of a long, hot summer’s night chasing a toddler though fair exhibits. Super fun, yet definitely exhausting. These shots turned out to be some of my favorite of the night.
Jessicats8 squirrels are really all about themselves.
dubouchet I eat life and poop ideas.
JRehling “Does it bother you when I bounce my leg up and down?” he asked. “Yes. Yes, it does,” I murdered.
muffpunch If you need me, I’ll be at my desk listening to “Fancy” be Reba McEntire all day. (I can’t resist songs about mother/daughter prostitutes!)
wordlust If we really want to win the War on Christmas, now is the time to strike. Santa will never see the drone coming.
sbellelauren the urgency with which i check to make sure i have my phone you’d think it was actually a baby
marlespo Maybe dinosaurs are extinct because the babies weren’t cute enough and annoyed dinoparents just ate them when they got too horrible.
ruthakers Girls gone Laura Ingalls Wilder. (It’s girls in Prairie skirts)
donni Let’s talk about sex rabies. Let’s talk about you and me. Turns out I gave you sex rabies.
timeblimp It’s somewhat bittersweet that I’m at the peak of my breakdancing career. All downhill from here.
kellyasterisk Just saw a commercial advertising “zero calories” in mustard? How much mustard are y’all using that you’re worried about caloric intake.
cloudcm Some people think only about themselves while others think thoughtfully and for extensive periods of time about world issues, like cupcakes.
jillsmo How is it that I can never find the Exit button on the remote when I’m looking for it but I can always hit it accidentally in the dark?
telephase For next year’s summer camp, I’m going to have the teens erect a bronze statue of me in front of the library.
Smethanie I’ve had so much coffee that now I’m in Home Depot, looking at power tools. I dunno. Might build a drawbridge to my house or sumthin’.
jackmackenroth Tweet like no one cares. Because, pretty much, they don’t.
Yakov_Smirnoff If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really awkward place.
owlparliament It has happened. A patient has finally caught on that I hum Kraftwerk every time I pull out my pocket calculator.
joshjs Failed certification exam but got a score of 666, so at least it’s metal.
ivanadimic You don’t own an iPhone. An iPhone owns you.
jillsmo I just walked past Child 2’s room. He’s picking his nose in his sleep. How embarrassing.
000___000 Big fan of fans here. Just love the rad way they circulate air.
mattsai Has anyone else been hiding every single ad on Facebook and marking it as offensive or uninteresting?
LouisPeitzman I keep inviting people to come stay at my apartment without mentioning the “poop-free toilet” rule.
markleggett Today I told my personal trainer that I got “Beez in my traps.” We spent the rest of my workout in total silence.
rolldiggity Elementary school didn’t buy my argument that you can’t spell “literacy” without “racy.” Summer erotica reading program is cancelled.
dadourianbow Improv hands are the new jazz hands.
Brotherwags And in closing, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like to say that I think I did a pretty kick-ass job. –Lawyer Dude
BillCorbett Tomorrow is the day I break it to my kids: their brand management is TERRIBLE.
hellnope I’m a grown-ass ass.
markleggett Reminder to corporations who use social media: We’re not locked up in here with you. You’re locked up in here with us.
hellnope Was listening to Call Your Girlfriend and my phone rang and I got legit sad until I realized I’m not a girlfriend. Then relief. Then sadder.
matthewbaldwin “THIS MEETING IS CANCELED DUE TO BATMAN.” That’s the best work email I’ve sent in a while.
mrpilkington Making lizard sounds in the receiving room. It’s fun. I do it for the children.
Bpoelle Um, can we just pretend that swearing burns calories? Thanks.
PopCulLibrn In the redwoods… 10yo, hugging a redwood: I’m a treehugger! 5yo, holding a hooked stick: I’m a hooker!
kellyasterisk “Wizards get tons of chicks, everyone knows that” -regarding Gandalf being smokin’ hot
MmeSurly You know you’ve fucked up if I delete your contact info from my phone because there are like four dead people in there.
joevelouria What is the going rate for paying people to go away?
BugginWord FYI, babies are shit at folding laundry.
biorhythmist Just did a fart so bad I had to leave a note on this guy’s car.
geekandahalf It’s a little ridiculous what happens to me when I hear “Only Girl” by Rihanna. Think Bruce Banner -> Hulk, but on the dance floor.
mjfrombuffalo Left alone in the lab. Wonder what all these buttons do? #thiscouldbemylasttweet
Yahweh Allah ? I didn’t know I had pesto in the fridge! #ThisCouldBeMyLastTweet
petersagal It was fun, guys, but time to jump back on the Harley. #ThisCouldBeMyLastTweet
notthatkendall my bucket list pretty much goes: waffles, naps and finding the right reason to take my shoes off and throw them at someone’s head
JenO_Eh I feel like I should shower, but I know that as soon as I’m out of earshot, my kids will find a cache of deadly weapons.
biorhythmist I usually eat breakfast naked, but the vinyl seat in this Denny’s booth is cold!
jberthume Hello new followers! I apologize in advance!
notthatkendall if there’s one thing i hate more than anything, it’s everything.
iasshole I feel…naked…without my dog at work. Maybe that’s not the right word. I feel like I have nothing to accidentally step on. That’s it.
verybloggybeth Never thought I’d be this overjoyed that someone can get on and off the toilet by himself.
michaeljnelson Wine reviewers need to start working the words “hankerin'”, “finger-licking” and “chawmp” into more of their reviews.
what_the_hecht Out: “bat shit crazy” In: “bath salts crazy”
SquiggleJay I can’t find my belt. WHERE IS MY BELT? WHICH ONE OF YOU STOLE MY BELT?? -me, to baby and dog just now #caffeinedelirium
sadmonsters I once led a horse to water AND made him drink. Suck it, proverbs!
pourmecoffee Happy 110th birthday, air conditioning. I love you.
Caissie Pedi File! #BadFashionMagFeatureTitles
dloehr We’re Needed, Chemical Peel! #BadFashionMagFeatureTitles
isplotchy Plaiderasty! #BadFashionMagFeatureTitles
Caissie Terminally Chill! #BadFashionMagFeatureTitles
Caissie Camo Therapy! #BadFashionMagFeatureTitles
marlespo One time I napped so hard Earth’s tectonic plates were disturbed & some lesser gods poked my face with forks to wake me & save Earth’s crust
AmandaStretch I’ve seen my name misspelled/misheard in lots of ways, but Mandana is new.
LSH85 Do people say “hecka” out loud? Is it a punishment for something else they did?
fleshcake Fireworks are done, but you can still toss things in a flipped over lawnmower because America.
torgospizza I can hear a cicada chirping outside. Was timing the chirp frequency to estimate how warm it is when I remembered it’s faster to Google it.
stevetweeters You can only reveal 14 to 15 rock solid facts about leprechauns before a new acquaintance gets pretty frustrated.
louisvirtel When do you tell your kids that Fancy Mountain doesn’t exist? (Fancy Mountain is where I’m telling my kids that gay people come from.)
fleshcake Being an adult means you can dress up a leaf blower like princess leia whenever you feel like.
rstevens The Fifth Element Is Pizza
jlweinberg Neighborhood watch is the important time of night when I look in people’s windows
MagpieLibrarian I just took my first Ambien in several months and I’d like to let you know that, for these few seconds, I can tolerate all of you. Kisses!
ieatanddrink My upcoming book “A Few Things You Guys Should Know About Waffles” has been canceled due to me forgetting what the things were
ieatanddrink I like Amazon’s option to show just products with only 1 star reviews, cuz sometimes I’m after the baster that is the biggest piece of shit
iboudreau A Buzzfeed story about trolls on Twitter? Is this like dividing by zero?
HonestToddler Max and Ruby’s relationship is like if the guy in Misery never escaped.
trumpetcake Still haven’t found a Mylar balloon that quite conveys how I feel about 9/11.
MrWordsWorth Just make Neil deGrasse Tyson president already.
EvilWylie If you think about it, fans who pirate your work are the MOST dedicated fans. Just like bank robbers are the biggest fans of money!
ModernSauce Peed a little today when I saw face of chupacabra looking at me. Then realized I accidentally hit the reverse camera on my phone.
apodixis The great thing about having a terrible memory is that I find my own tweets really amusing the second or third time I tweet them.
JOEMACLEOD666 4 PEOPLE, IN DIFFERENT STATES, DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER, & HAVE NEVER MET, CONDUCTED VIKING FUNERALS FOR THEIR CATS #ThisAmericanLifeStories
SteveHuff “Deep Shire: One Man’s Year Living as Frodo Baggins.” #ThisAmericanLifeStories
ieatanddrink Titties Titties Titties: The Walgreens Way of Life #ThisAmericanLifeStories
LizHackett The casual high-five that divided a town. #ThisAmericanLifeStories
kibblesmith A Craigslist ad reads simply, “Ghost for sale.” We answer. #ThisAmericanLifeStories
HelloCullen Meet the death row inmate who invented the snuggie #ThisAmericanLifeStories
thealux Can cats get divorced? Today, on This American Life. #ThisAmericanLifeStories
kibblesmith Where do lost buttons go? David Sedaris has some theories. #ThisAmericanLifeStories
CalmTomb A visit to a town in Wyoming where no one lives, and why residents there like it that way. #ThisAmericanLifeStories
doctorfailure A sound designer buries himself miles below the earth to study echoes, and discovers a new taco flavor. #ThisAmericanLifeStories
HelloCullen Learn about the conman who convinced a small town that he was Michael Jordan #ThisAmericanLifeStories
jesus Technically I wasn’t walking on water. I’m a carpenter. I made a skim board.