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Today’s photos feature the amazing garden-like grounds of the Oakland zoo.

Have a great weekend!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

CleverRican All this time, I thought the phrase was: “RELEASE THE CRACKHEAD!” Now it makes less sense to me.

JerryThomas Drinking from the skulls of your enemies sounds like a fun idea until everything leaks out of the eye holes.

robfee In 3rd grade this kid told me that I “jack off with my mom” but I didn’t know what that meant & I said “SO WHAT?” I think about that a lot.

mikeleffingwell I got an American Girl doll for my daughter, she’s gonna shit a brick! Not because of the doll – she ate a brick a few hrs ago.

kate_leth I need an alarm that slaps me repeatedly and yells GET OFF THE INTERNET

Zaius13 I like to call this move “The Lady Pleaser.” [bags up six weeks’ worth of cat shit and takes it out to the garbage can]

knitterplease When you say something like “I could never hate you” to me, a little voice in my head says “Challenge accepted.”

TheJamieTighe I wish I was more delusional but I worry it might ruin my job as the king of space.

rstevens Glory holes: The Dropbox of sex

BeTheBoy Today will go down as the day I coined the term “murder jail.”

mrlasertron Tip if you have a bunch of meetings one day wear a motorcycle helmet so they cant see u sleeping or mouthing Pokemon abilities to your self

mikeleffingwell My head says “No” but my heart says “Yes”. And then my liver says “What?” and my butt’s all like “Farrrrrrt”.

tyleroakley Reality TV is a circle of life: you start as a toddler with a tiara, then you’re 16 and pregnant, then a dance mom, and end as a hoarder.

jenstatsky Saw a used condom lying on the street today and thought, “Well good, that’s one less person who WILL NEVER EVER DO THAT.”

ecareyo Greyhound station plays easy listening from the 70s-early 00s as a nice soundtrack for you to stop believing in God to.

JRehling 11PM: “Well, what would it hurt to read just ONE tweet?” 8:18AM: “If close Twitter now I can still get to work on time.”

donni It’s always shark week when you’re a shark calendar.

helgagrace The time of life when you are lying in bed with the Bob the Builder theme song running through your head.

apelad Thanks to local news, I now know what the supreme court’s ruling means for my weekend.

shariv67 She cried as she wiped hot cheese off her friend’s scalded face, “I swear officer, I didn’t know the potato was loaded.”

MayhemMatriarch It took me 30 minutes to realize I was whistling the theme song to Wonder Pets.

wordlust Sticks and stones may break my bones, but they’ll work as sex toys in a pinch.

LouisPeitzman “Nipping it in the bud” is also a cute way to explain circumcision.

calluptome The best part of waking up is napping.

markleggett “COOL! SOMEONE JUST TRIANGLED MY WIGGLE!” This is how you sound to people outside of Twitter.

joevelouria Just listened to a message I recorded and realized that I sound like a sexy bitch. More specifically, like a sexy Basset Hound bitch.

SteveHimmer Over the last decade or so, nearly half of my website traffic has come from “crazy squirrel pictures.”

DickieWillson HONK IF YOU SPORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FakeAPStylebook irregardless – The process of watering crops with lack of regard.

 trumpetcake Just earned a master’s degree in modern dance while trying to shoo away a bee.

hipstermermaid Most of your twenties is spent waiting for the coffee or alcohol to kick in.

mrlady With great hashtag power comes great hashtag responsibility

robdelaney Good way to prepare for having a toddler is to pour a little milk on every single item in your home & smear megaboogers on all your shirts.

AKRyder John Mayer followed me. I was all excited until I realized it wasn’t Jason Mraz. Blocked and reported as spam.

kellysdf My GPS sighs and rolls its eyes every time it says “Recalculating”.

sarcasmically I just fashioned a bandaid out of a grocery bag and a lint roller. Your move, MacGuyver.

awesomeseank I have to clean up the house. And, my life.

awesomeseank Not really sure what the highlight of my night was but, sadly, I’m pretty sure it’s already happened.

orangefizzysoda Living the dream … if the dream is doing laundry.

hipstermermaid Instagram is down. It’s like what I’m eating doesn’t even matter.

stevesilberman From a friend: “A female wild horse just came snooping around outside our bedroom window in the dark. A Night Mare!”

whithonea The neighbors are having and party and pot smoke is drifting through our open windows. In other news, these chips are freaking incredible.

whithonea Warning: Unresponsive Script. Apparently my Macbook is a critic.

SarahIvy So Blake is out back about to attempt to shave the dog with Finn as his “helper”….I don’t know if I should watch or not. #comedygold ??

FlippingT I try not to offend anyone. I prefer to alienate them with obscure references.

milkglassheart The cats know the coolest places to sleep. I’m going to go lie on the floor with them under the kitchen table.

sbellelauren a good night’s sleep is like crack in that i don’t know where to get it anymore

FakeAPStylebook Be sure your reporters do not confuse “Independence Day” with “In-Depends Day,” the popular fetish event. #USAUSA

robdelaney “Marriage isn’t a contest, you know.” – me, lying to my wife about marriage

violetnuit Money can’t buy me happiness, but it can buy me snacks which are basically the same thing.

vforrestal Probably when you utter the phrase “I forgot I put my bra on the cat,” it’s time to go to bed.

smileydooby Sure it sounds good in theory. But if you really crossed a dude with a bat, I bet you’d get a pretty shitty hero

DamienFahey Look, I don’t need Klout to discover I have tremendous influence on people who are bored while taking a shit.

timeblimp I trimmed a couple nose hairs, now I’m getting those phantom limb pains

ImNotHurley Not to be overly dramatic but Tom’s toothpaste is worse than the holocaust.

JRehling When a link is marked NSFW I wait to open it until I’m in church.

nickylibs  “I can’t find a bookmark. Instead of dog-earring the page, I’m going to use this uncooked bacon” > completely sound thinking.

sbellelauren 1 time when i was little i ate lipstick & i didn’t die so basically yeah you can feed your kids lipstick if you want

Mortimusgerbil Mostly kids are cute so people don’t throw them out of moving vehicles when they scream. Because natural selection.

joshgroban Wait, I’m sorry I only get my news by creeping up behind water coolers with an iPod in my ears. Anderson Cooper is Gaelic?

ClevelandPoet no YOU were googling “how to make an R2D2 Garbage can” for your house.

wordlust I’m not emotionally prepared for feelings.

joelmmathis Gonna write the best-selling novel of all time: “Fifty Shades of Earl Grey: The Erotic Life of Jean-Luc Picard.”

swonderful You know how to get three kids to look at you at the same time for a photo? You say, “Oh, YUCK!” Just trust me.

Kimpulses If you’re a good person and contribute positively to society you should get to hit people with your car occasionally as a reward.

rstevens It’s so hot that I turned off my second monitor.

ilparoliere Succeeding in convincing the new guy at work that I’m psychic. He’s obviously never googled himself.

kelihoskins One thing I’ve learned thru twitter is that the majority of you guys walk around the house pantsless.

Scroobiuspipyo Woke at 6am.Weirded out neighbours that were singing happy birthday to their 2 year old (at 6.30am) by cheerily joining in through the wall.

MightyQuinn72 I’ll be dead and gone and no one will ever know the skill it took for me to move the kid’s toy with the riding mower without getting off.

dubouchet Ah, 1 a.m. The penisest of times.

markleggett I don’t have “jazz hands”. I have a “jazz body”.

mypetshadow Carpe DM

wordlust An optimist sees the glass as half full. A proctologist sees the glass as a dumb thing to stick up your butt.

robdelaney I don’t want to beat up everybody in this Pep Boys, but I just took a Monster Energy suppository, so it’s no longer up to me.

wordlust It was Adam and Eve, not your mom and five dudes in a dumpster.

Disalmanac Today in 2003, Cypress Hill received a Nobel Prize for their tireless work in raising awareness of Membrane Insanity.

TheBlackStar Am I the only person who keeps pathfinder character sheets in a file drawer full of blank forms for work?

davepell This morning my kids requested a Katy Perry song. Time to homeschool.

helenstwin Mom: I had a panic attack so I alpha’d my seed collection.  Me: Sometimes I think librarianship is an anxiety disorder.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

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