Have a great weekend!
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
Sigafoos There is no cookbook called The Gastronomicon? HOW HAVE WE, AS A SOCIETY, LET THAN HAPPEN?
muffpunch Today I gave someone $150 to make me cry. Tonight I’m going to my therapist, who I also pay to make me cry. I’m doing something wrong here.
Toaster_Pastry The Breakfast Burrito is God’s divine creation as He guided the hands of man.
MightyQuinn72 Thanks to the assholes at Adidas refusing to come out with their new shackle shoes, my slaves won’t be getting anything for Christmas.
theleanover Jay-Z Fenimore Cooper #AuthorBandNames
theleanover Pearl S. Young Buck #AuthorBandNames
theleanover Fleetwood Machiavelli #AuthorBandNames
theleanover Erma Bomb Beck #AuthorBandNames
mitdasein Edgar Cayce and the Sunshine Band #AuthorBandNames
mitdasein Right Said Freud #AuthorBandNames
claymonster Anais NIN #AuthorBandNames
IrisBlasi Good Charlotte Bronte. #AuthorBandNames
khellonmars P. Joan Diddyon #AuthorBandNames
kathrynschulz Baudelaire Supply. #AuthorBandNames
DTorday The Jerry Garcia Marquez Band #AuthorBandNames
3rdplacepress E. B. Whitesnake #AuthorBandNames
optimusleghorn My Morning Beckett #AuthorBandNames
ericqweinstein Jane Austen’s Addiction #AuthorBandNames
TheRedQueen My kid is watching video reenactments of the Titanic sinking over & over. He keeps asking if there are people on the boat hopefully.
JohnFugelsang Ann Romney is an inspiration to all Stay-at-Five-Homes Moms.
LouisPeitzman I am awake at all the wrong hours, and I’m always hungry. If this is being a vampire, it’s kind of a letdown.
kdn13 Upon further consideration, I actually don’t want a man who makes me feel “like a virgin.”
isplotchy I forget I have anxiety until I have it. And it’s like, well helllooo there.
mypetshadow Whenever I burp, I actually say the word ‘Burp!’ I’m an onomatopoet.
davepell It was 85 degrees and sunny today. Perfect weather for Draw Something.
markleggett When I watch porn, I imagine myself as the pizza store owner. “Why do all of my delivery guys take hours to deliver one pizza? I’m ruined.”
Brandy_Brooke I am at my wits end with H climbing on stuff. He climbs up, I lift him down. He climbs up, I lift him down. He climbs up, I sob quietly.
eareeve Just got a “haven’t you ever seen a kid sword fighting with his dad’s fake leg in a parking garage before?” look from a kid.
onenjen “Mama? Remember when I went poop at this restaurant?” #thatseveryrestaurant
LouisPeitzman Just taught my phone dictionary the word “bunhead.” It was time.
Bagyants Does anyone want to start dating? I don’t have enough to regret.
hiplingo I say we settle this like gentlemen & retreat to the wine cellar until one of us requires medical attention.
MariaMelee I’m really bribing them with frozen yogurt because I WANT IT and they’re still not eating. KIDS. I WANT SOME FROYO.
JettSuperior “How do you know that, exactly? Is it all over the Twatter?” ~my smartass husband
alwysabridesmd rolling along in your convertible to Phil Collins’ “Another Day in Paradise” cranked to 11: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.
jillsmo Seriously, though: Fuck cancer.
ninjapoodles Two pages completed this afternoon despite MUCH farting around on the Internet. I WIN THIS ROUND, LOLCATS!!
senderblock23 My dream woman is out there right now eating yogurt, staring at a wall. Or reading a book. Or sleeping. All scenarios involve yogurt.
notthatkendall You know who has to get all of his hats custom made? Bowser.
MimsyYamaguchi How I Dismembered Your Mother #evilsitcoms
kellythul One Life to Shiv #evilsitcoms
robbiegoodwin It’s Always Romney in Philadelphia #evilsitcoms
notstefandavis Parks And Segregation #evilsitcoms
julesposner Curbstomp Your Enthusiasm #evilsitcoms
Simon_Pegg Third Reich from the Sun #evilsitcoms
sonicdork 8 Simple Rules for Completely Pleasing Lucifer #evilsitcoms
Jedimasterbator Leave It To Beelzebub #evilsitcoms
Jedimasterbator Charles Manson in Charge #evilsitcoms
oldladybishop Perfect Stranglers #evilsitcoms
oldladybishop Buried with Children #evilsitcoms
marlespo Fiends #evilsitcoms
ADignorantium That’s So Craven #evilsitcoms
wawoodworth “We uphold the statement ‘ALA is not your mom’ but we remind u 2 call more often and have u found some1 nice yet?” #imaginaryALAresolutions
wawoodworth “Let’s stop kidding ourselves and install Nancy Pearl as our library queen. Then we can fight issue of lineage”#imaginaryALAresolutions
estephan 1.1 At the moment of graduation, all new librarians will be handed a pair of Dansko close-backed clogs and a cat#imaginaryALAresolutions
estephan “The Official New Librarian Stereotype will include multiple tattoos & a holier-than-thou attitude.”#imaginaryALAresolutions
wawoodworth “For our amusement, vendors will have to fight for their exhibit hall spot in a no holds barred free-for-all.”#imaginaryALAresolutions
snipejaeg “Despite the misleading Bruce Willis movie, the fifth element is actually information literacy.”#imaginaryALAresolutions
wawoodworth “So as to revitalize books awards like the Newbery,there will be an award for worst writing called the Dingleberry”#imaginaryALAresolutions
snipejaeg “All ALA members will receive a TARDIS and a companion.”#imaginaryALAresolutions
wawoodworth: “In response to popular demand, the new official animal of the ALA is the cat sweater.”#imaginaryALAresolutions
KathyInAlaska Hubby and daughter are learning to yodel. YODEL. Just let that sink in for a moment before you feel sorry for me.
hipstermermaid My signature look is “tired.”
leahlibrarian Words that are not vulgar: toast, rubber duckie, sunshine, vagina. #justsayin
Sean_Browning A sure fire way to make me look stupid is to get me to read something out loud that has the word “anemone” in it.
jenstatsky Those kids on How I Met Your Mother must have the worst bedsores by now.
Stella1070 Careful when shooing bugs away. If you wave your arms around, hit yourself in the head screaming sonofabitch, people may stare. Lesson learned.
mrlasertron i programmed my 3d printer to make another 3d printer and now technically according to science they are alive.
3NonJoggers “And how much shell would the lady like in her eggs?” is a sentence waiters would have to ask if I were a cook at a breakfast restaurant.
introvertedwife It’s probably never a good sign when you name a file “rogue baby arms”
letsgetgizzy Just made a mental note to someday own a fridge where ice and water come out the front. Followed by a mental note to dream bigger.
MrChrisLay If someone told me “I will cure all cancer, or give you a t-shirt cannon.” I would absolutely say “Cure all cancer,” but there’d be a pause.
ProfessorSnack Will be celebrating Father’s Day a day early with oysters on the half shell and martinis. It’s a reenactment.
BillCorbett I think of these migraines as God’s way of telling me “Suffer. Damn you, suffer.”
LouisPeitzman I’ve officially run out of tweets. Thankfully I have enough now to go into syndication.
UncleDynamite I don’t know about you, Mr. President, but MY idea of a Dream Act would involve mermaids, laudanum and a disused asthma inhaler.
MmeSurly A woman at the grocery store is giving away free Axe Body Spray samples, but I have two small children and can’t afford to drown in pussy.
jillgengler To my beloved: When the child asks “Why do the dogs eat off the ground,” the correct answer is not “Because they can.”
biorhythmist Just found out my Meyers-Briggs personality type is PBNJ
hipstermermaid Out of all my mistakes, you were definitely the “mistakeyest.”
DougLewisATX Pretty sure “beef stroganoff” was named on a dare.
swollenvoice I saw a man with no chin and all I could think was, how the hell does he fold pillow cases.
MrBigFists I think dolphins would be excellent at making pancakes since their appendages are basically spatulas.
Molly_Kats For a glimpse of how I transform into a retard, watch me try to navigate a revolving door.
Jedimasterbator Had sex with Yoda’s sister on the very first date because I’m a slut and Hoda’s HOT!
MariaMelee Earlier, driving, I said, “look! A garbage truck!” My three year old said, “No. That’s just a front loader recycling truck.”
Disalmanac Today in 1928, Che Guevara was born. He’s popular on hipster T-shirts because they think he’s the Frito Bandito.
DamienFahey Picture the audience naked? Yeah, no thanks. I’d rather just be nervous in front of a group of strangers instead of nervous AND horny.
liz_e34 Apparently I’m supposed to be productive today? Hmm…I don’t know how that’s going to work out for anyone.
Angel__Bee I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask my husband for an apology in advance before he craps in the toilets I just cleaned.
rolldiggity To the confident man, every zoo is a petting zoo.