I’m renaming “arts and crafts time” at our house to “arts and cats time.” Have a great weekend!
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
markleggett Click HERE to see our top ten list of productivity websites that may be killing your productivity!
jlweinberg Dog: The little black dog defies the laws of gravity! Me: That’s the cat. Dog: The little black dog astounds me.
Writepop “Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
davepell I hear David Lee Roth is getting back together.
MmeSurly I was gonna ask you guys where my phone was but you’re in my phone.
matthewbaldwin My favorite yoga pose is the whatever-the-Sanskrit-word-is-for-nap.
NASeason This morning, O did something that made me laugh, so she did it over and over and over again, and then I figured out why I wanted a kid.
robdelaney “Revenge is a dish best served… BOLD.” – I want to hear Taylor Lautner say this then throw a donkey at a helicopter
calluptome My love for humanity is always at odds with my hatred of mankind.
marlespo I wish I was stuck in the Labyrinth with a giant cod-pieced David Bowie right now, and the little blue worm would make me tea.
sgnp When I said long-term relationships are like never-ending road trips, know that there will be Wall Drug, but you always get back in the car.
kdn13 Actually ate my breakfast at the kitchen table and now I know what it was like on Little House on the Prairie.
KeepinItSnazzy “Ick-thus” is the best name for a pet fish ever so all y’all haters can quit trying
NikaStewart I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine.
PrettyAllTrue Some of you working hard to maximize SEO in your posts have almost mastered the magic that is Parade Magazine writing. Well done.
robdelaney You do the math! All of it. Please? I am not good at math.
screwydecimal Dee Snider from Twisted Sister is currently in a Stanley Steemer commercial. So it’s true. Rock and roll IS dead.
trumpetcake Fired my agent today*. FUCK IT. (*drew a turtle/beaver thing on my arm in Sharpie)
fluffkin I’m trying to make a list, but my hearts not in it. Oh wait. Adds heart to list.
MrWordsWorth The cat never covers his face when he sneezes. What an asshole.
bumlaser Gosh. I can be deported for: Lewdness, Gross Indecency, Malicious Destruction of Property, Pandering and Mayhem. Bucket list RUINED!
introvertedwife The best part about getting older is not giving a shit what anyone thinks.
DBagChopra I’ve got inner peace! In my trunk! And I’m not letting it out until you buy my book! DBiddy in the Twizzouse!
johnmoe I play all my video games in depeche mode.
morninggloria I hope the sequel to Battleship features the cast of Battleship being eaten by brightly colored hungry hungry hippos.
TristinaWright So the short version of the story is a squirrel flew into the side porch windows and scared the crap out of Olivia.
mightygodking “House and Wilson have sex. Then they team up with the Avengers to fight Lord Voldemort. Then they have sex with Gandalf.”
TheAxeFalls The way to a man’s heart is via thoracic surgery, using a rib spreader. #UpdatedAncientWisdom
netmeg Oh cool, someone wants to help me rank better for “fireworks displays”
wolfwalking Almost on 20,000 tweets. JFC I need some quality control.
gavinpivott A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.
marlespo You just don’t know how much it means… until it is Gone. Be grateful guys, every damned day. God I miss you, ketchup. These eggs blow.
robinmatthewfry That thing where you just miss your train and as you watch it pull away you slowly turn off your lightsabre, looking sad/vengeful. That.
LouisPeitzman It’s always a good sign when your last couple OKCupid dates deactivate their profiles.
hipstermermaid Working on my resumé. How do I spin “total mess” into a marketable skill?
mermaidpants “We’re closed,” I say. “Are you serious?” he says. Nah, I’m not serious. I just want to crush your hopes & dreams.
ApocalypseHow My life has progressed from quoting Monty Python to quoting “Fletch” to quoting the latest cholesterol findings.
elliemce Ugh, natural disasters are just a logistical NIGHTMARE!! Someone get me a fro-yo.
wordlust I sure hope these protests convinced NATO to bring Dan Harmon back to Community.
isplotchy I get so many crappy emails about cloud computing, when I really would love emails about clouds.
RoWack My novel, Fifty Shades of YOLO Attachment Parenting, is being turned into a film directed by Trevor Perry, Tyler’s cousin, staring Madea.
Jessicats8 This week Disco has died, twice. :( Lowering my glitter ball to half mast.
donni It’s a shame that most things aren’t pies. More things should be pies.
joevelouria These adult undergarments make my ass look poppin’!
steenyweeny i went on safari and all i poached was these stupid eggs
mypetshadow SteinBeck #literaryrockbands
kitty_kelliher Portrait of an artist as a young man formerly known as Prince #LiteraryRockBands
Pencilsqueezer Lawrence & The Machine #literaryrockbands
mypetshadow Journey to the Center of the Earth Wind & Fire #literaryrockbands
mypetshadow Better than Ezra Pound #literaryrockbands
Editright Horton Hears The Who #literaryrockbands
CosyFanTootie The Travelling Libraries #literaryrockbands
LindaInPhoenix Jane Eyre Guitar #LiteraryRockBands
DrMaldoror Gwar and Peace #literaryrockbands
CosyFanTootie Tolkien Heads #literaryrockbands
rowland_jamie Lewis Carroll And The News #LiteraryRockBands
isoldeamante Ben Folds Slaughterhouse-Five #LiteraryRockBands
grouchotendency All the Pretty Sparklehorses #literaryrockbands
artologica For Whom The Sleigh Bells Toll #literaryrockbands
Prestemon “Nobody puts Destroyer in a corner!” #MemorableBattleshipQuotes
johnmoe “This could be D1. D1 battle we always remember.” #MemorableBattleshipQuotes
johnmoe “We’ve never faced an enemy like this B4.” #MemorableBattleshipQuotes
darcydick “Petty Officer, you only see two? Can’t you C3, P.O.?” #MemorableBattleshipQuotes
Prestemon “E3, phone home” #MemorableBattleshipQuotes
Darcydick “If you can’t take a joke, don’t B1.” #MemorableBattleshipQuotes
odat “I want E2!” “You can’t HANDLE E2!” #MemorableBattleshipQuote
darcydick “Take no prisoners – we don’t need any D10-e’s.” #MemorableBattleshipQuotes
regannorton A2, Brute? #MemorableBattleshipQuotes
matthewbaldwin “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give A10.” #MemorableBattleshipQuotes
matthewbaldwin “B2 or not B2?!” #MemorableBattleshipQuotes
matthewbaldwin “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into E9.” #MemorableBattleshipQuotes
owlpacino there’s no way “you oughta know” is about Dave Coulier. I will always refuse to believe this.
Katieannab FYI: yesterday, I ate my calories, and yours and some other people’s so we’re all going have to calorie count today. Sorry.
ProfessorSnack I don’t do my best thinking when on the toilet. But it’s when I’m most able to share it.
notthatkendall “GET IN MY FACE” is a song I just wrote about waffles.
ninjapoodles You guys. Clean my house the rest of the way. I got it started for you.
PinterestFake Homemade hand sanitizer: the perfect gift for a teacher who put up with the fact that your child was constantly urinating
Cre8BeautyDaily I’ve suppressed so many sneezes in the past 7 months. Surely someday it will catch up w/ me & I’ll sneeze & my bladder will shoot out.
morninggloria Would feel more compelled to see “Battleship” if it were called What to Expect When You’re Exploding.
mypetshadow The correct medical term for male breasts is ‘daddaries’ #MadeUpFacts
Athenabee I’m fairly certain I’m the worst homemaker ever. I hope I make up for it in personality.
Angel__Bee Mother f’ing f’er! Put the last load of towels in the dryer and never pressed “start”. I was so close. So…so close.
FarrenSquare If you don’t know what unicorn farts smell like, your unicorn could probably use more roughage.
teammandy The day I go on instagram and comment on the way your child is strapped into it’s car seat is the day you can come to my house and shank me.
VodkaMary Crouching morals, Hidden standards. The story of Twitter.
markleggett Yeah, I do sponsored tweets for trout now. Don’t like it? Go fuck yourself after eating a delicious trout today! – spon
ohrebecca I just got a phone call from Forks, WA. I didn’t answer it because I didn’t want to talk to anyone from Twilight.
sarcasmically I’m living the American dream! (Paying someone else to squeeze my dog’s butt glands.)
Mortimusgerbil Thanks to modern slang, It’s becoming increasingly difficult to have a polite conversation about barn animals in 19th-century English.