I caught Isobel reading to herself in the library the other day. It warmed my librarian heart. Thank goodness for decent phone cameras.

Have a great weekend!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

RobinMcCauley The scale adds ten pounds.

Bagyants Pay to look at powerpoints – school. Get paid to look at powerpoints – work.

robdelaney I have a new fun thing where if I ride in the backseat of a car I vomit & get a headache for 3 hours!

mypetshadow Tom Selleck is part owner of a bakery called Magnum Pie. #MadeUpFacts

HipsterMario I travel by pipe because it’s so underground.

Nathan_Pensky I like that book where the couple falls in love, and then they die, and some old guy says “Aw, too bad,” and then falls over or something.

MassageByTed People behind me talking about soccer positively and now there’s blood and hair everywhere and it got very loud and bright

UncleDynamite Vampire crab fishermen vs. werewolf crab fishermen. You’re welcome, Hollywood.

marlespo What I think that pigeon is saying #BadHashtagGameIdeas

wilnervision Dear god, Sony already has a place on its schedule for a third “Smurfs” movie. Wouldn’t you be happier if you didn’t know that?

RideOrDiePudge Time to go return my Mother’s Day gift. Hopefully Rite-Aid can give me full price on this Kenny G “Holiday Miracles” CD.

taralibrara It’s Rock Day at work and I’m having issues with my blue wig. These are good problems to have, right?

Wordshore This ALA resolution, asking POTUS to legalise librarian-on-cat marriages, has a whiff of self interest. Also, Mr R Santorum will be enraged.

dubouchet Sometimes, based on the commercials that run during Sportscenter at this hour, I think to myself: “I am the most successful man on Earth.”

senderblock23 Too legit to quit having panic attacks.

ClaireicalError Stop trying to make “Bleachable Moment” happen, Clorox.

mrpilkington I can’t come up with a funny tweet about jelly because they all sound plausible.

TheBeardedIris Nothing like a day with family to remind you why you spend so much time on the Internetz.

thatsnotkosher GODDAMN IT PARKER I WANT RETWEETS OF SPIDERMAN. RETWEETS. GET THESE FAVS OUT OF MY OFFICE.

asterios If you stay until the end of this tweet you’ll get a secret bonus tweet CATS ARE ADORABLE

thatgreendude Sinderrella #SoftCoreDisney

theleanover The Emperor’s Nude Groove #SoftCoreDisney

theleanover Sleeping Booty #SoftCoreDisney

thatgreendude The Loin King #SoftCoreDisney

InfiniteChicken Lady and the Tramp Stamp #SoftCoreDisney

theleanover The Depraved Little Toaster #SoftCoreDisney

timeblimp Analstasia #SoftCoreDisney

InfiniteChicken That Darn Cat Costume #SoftCoreDisney

rstevens wine is drinkable flowers. beer is drinkable flours. #happymothersday

talkwordy Holy shit the grass I planted is growing. I AM LIKE WHATEVER GOD MAKES GRASS GROW. Grassthor or something.

joekeatinge I got 99 problems, but Doctor Doom stealing the Power Cosmic from The Silver Surfer ain’t one.

jenunexpected Tonight I got felt up by SpongeBob Squarepants in Times Square. I think that pretty much sums up NYC right there

slackmistress @ruthakers My body was already ruined thru puberty. Now I’m realizing I should’ve had kids to have something to blame it on.

theneener I accidentally clicked on “Ping” in iTunes and LOL

MightyQuinn72 “Setting Dog The Bounty Hunter’s Hair On Fire” is the only thing on my Bucket list.

SpaghettiJesus I think your instagram is lying to all of us. Those things aren’t those colors.

love_shunt After I polish off this bottle of wine, I’m planning to drink some of it. IT’S SO DUSTY!

maggiesox I just sang Jesse McCartney’s ‘Beautiful Soul’ into a spoon. Alone. In my basement. Look, this week has sucked, okay?

Lilacmess The three yr old genius is on the Today Show live right now screaming at her mom “I HAVE TO POOP” as they quiz her about planets #priceless

shinyinfo I think we’re at a point now where nobody has any reason to ask “All one word?” when getting info about an email address. #dreamz

sphericalfruit Not sure when I became my own foley artist, but have made the following sounds today: surprised telephone & exasperated kettle #soundeffects

TurboGrandma It’s like, jeez Mom. Maybe I’m Jamie Lee Curtis-ing here, but I want my family’s b-holes to be well-oiled machines. Sue me for caring, okay?

trumpetcake Just rolled a dope ass blunt*!!! (*called my aunt to ask about her cataracts)

FarrenSquare That latte? It’s from cow boobs.

shinyinfo OH: “We don’t kowtow to royal titles in this country & I’m glad.” RIGHT! We just kowtow to people with lots of money! Way more dignified.

pwgavin Starting to actually think that Firefox’s last name is “not responding”

desi_DaVinci To tweet or not to tweet, that has never been the question.

markleggett I could fill a PT Cruiser with the things I’ve found inside my nose over my lifetime, and I fully intend to.

granulac *sleeve-wipes multiple layers salami grease off face* anyway lets date

adrienneMTK If you have ever loved something so much that it makes you question your own ethnicity, you can understand my relationship with hot sauce.

MayorGia I would like to propose that we abolish Thursdays, and create “Saturday-and-a-half.” Think about it.

 

RideOrDiePudge Time to ask my hubby why “Mama’s Family BDSM Cosplay” keeps popping up in his Search History.

thisjason I can’t just leave my attitude at the door, I really need it to get through the day.

schmutzie Ladies, if you need something like Vagisil wash to keep vaginal odour at bay, you need a doctor, NOT a symptom suppressant.

mrlasertron Does making twitter jokes qualify me as a member of the press? I say yes.

meganamram Crazy how you eat Chinese food and then an hour later you’re still racist.

LaurenGreenberg Vidal Sassoon to be buried with extra body.

CroweJam Looking forward to the day when gay Republicans can secretly marry in airport toilet stalls.

meganamram Only the true Son of God would have the time to be a carpenter AND a co-pilot.

palinode Porn would be a really unfortunate surname.

TheOnlyZack Pope Nope #ImprobablePopeNames

jotro Popestagram #ImprobablePopeNames

henrikpp Pope Margaret. #ImprobablePopeNames

TheOnlyZack Pope Popey McPopington #ImprobablePopeNames

johnmoe iPope #ImprobablePopeNames

johnmoe Pope TURBO #ImprobablePopeNames

B0niferd My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today but my sweatpants were like nah girl you’re good.

James_Jokes I might start wearing an eyepatch so I can always be half asleep.

rstevens The only thing you need to add to coffee is me.

sarcasmically I’ve resorted to watching midnight FedEx tracking updates for fun. SO THERE, TEENAGE SELF.

Smethanie Scientists reveal the secret to looking AT LEAST 10 years younger!! Start sucking your thumb in public!

Fake_Rockstar Why is Sean Hannity?

sgnp My wife just told me I was Lawful Neutral.

LMFAO_JK You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That’s God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.

donni Just escaped two would-be assassins. They were babies in a stroller, but I saw the look of murder in their eyes.

JRehling I don’t appreciate people’s snide remarks about Nickelback. They remind me of Nickelback.

oliveiranth “let’s try writing w a glass of wine” turned into “laying in the dark full of regrets listening to nina simone” so let’s not do this again.

theleanover Started writing erotica. Actually, it’s 7 pages of the protagonist ordering pizza, but he’s not wearing pants the entire time.

biorhythmist I named my kidney stone Dwayne Johnson.

eareeve Somebody just jumped a curb to get to the library! Hopefully we have copies of the DMV driver’s manual!

KaseyAnderson Okay well then next time tell me specifically not to feed your baby deodorant I’m not a goddamn mindreader.

EveryTweet_Ever Thanks to everyone who mentioned me on #FollowFriday, and passive-aggressive shame on everyone else!

wordsinmymouth So love camping. The smell, the feel, the way food tastes better. The vodka

MmeSurly Chick Fil-A is a great place for me to be discussing evolution with my kids right now.

ApocalypseHow The Buddhist bagel shop near me makes the most amazing Nothing Bagels.

KarstenKnight iPhone autocorrect just tried to change “shenanigans” to “ahem iguana.” This might be my favorite thing that’s happened so far in 2012.

ninjapoodles There are over 300 million people in this country. I need about 1/5 of you to each send me a nickel. Pass it on.

Lisabug74 To break the quiet tension between toilet stalls, I rap on our adjoining wall, “Shave and a Haircut” and wait for her response of “2 Bits.”

morninggloria Sent myself an email and Gmail deemed it “not important.” I feel a Rodney Dangerfield joke coming on.

 

 

shinyinfo WAS HITLER AN ALIEN?? The History Channel just ate its own tail. #AncientAliens

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.