When I first became a mother I suddenly realized that this holiday that I had looked forward to for so long was something I had to share. With my relatives. That’s the thing about Mother’s Day, isn’t it? It can never be just about you because we all have mothers and grandmothers and aunts and other special people in our lives that deserve a day of celebration. But let me just be selfish for a minute.  Since Mother’s Day is this weekend I’m hijacking Follow Friday and turning into my day. Me me me me mine. Okay, mine and Isobel’s. Okay, mine, Isobel’s, and a box of donuts. Yeah.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

TheBosha Every time I try to make a somber, self-actualizing list of life regrets I end up giggling uncontrollably and high fiving strangers.

Andrew Scott ? Yo thesis is so empty, you got it peer-reviewed by the Real Housewives. #YoThesisJokes

Andrew Scott ? Yo thesis is so light, it’s only a thisis. #YoThesisJokes

Sean O’C I ordered a reprint of yo thesis, and 3 days later a hobo crapped on my lawn! And warned me about copyrights! #YoThesisJokes

Quadrupus Yo premise so deeply flawed, it’s quoted on Sarah Palin’s hand. #YoThesisJokes

ZakKlaas “Yo thesis is so derivative,” said my thesis, which you quoted in your thesis. #YoThesisJokes

Quadrupus Yo thesis so boring, your mom is actually trying to figure out what you do so she can put a stop to it #YoThesisJokes

Quadrupus Yo thesis so boring, I now welcome my own unavoidable decay #YoThesisJokes

SpaghettiJesus Considering beards, what the hell took them so long to invent Velcro?

BridgetCallahan Cracker is like the ultimate white privilege band. It screams “This is what you get for letting the 90s happen.”

cloudcm I guess some people are just not born to heat up a corn tortilla.

mrpilkington I’d like a refrigerator that also helps me put on my pants. Make it happen Scientists!

ImLeslieChow That awkward moment when your toys make 3 movies behind your back.

DearStabby If I use the abbreviation “org” it’s short for orgy.

babybabylemon I might have missed my optimum target window by not getting out of the house before the fresh beat band started.

johnmoe Unable to grasp the idea of pretend, the horse in War Horse probably thinks he’s had a horrific life that included cameras for some reason.

johnmoe Sometimes I call Eddie Vedder “Daughter”. He gets SO MAD!

TristinaWright Just caught a Powerberry with my cleavage. You know you want me now.

danforthfrance You know when white dudes grouse about there being no special holiday for them? Well, here you go. #MayTheFourth

introvertedwife They should use co-op games as a pre-marriage test. Can you get through level 5 together without throwing a controller through the TV?

kirstensaysss Some people really need Jesus. Or Midol & a Snickers Bar. Whichever.

yoyology My Hammerhead is still mint in box. #MayThe4thPickupLines

yoyology Hey, I may be arrogant, but I’ve never kissed my sister. #MayThe4thPickupLines

yoyology Well, I wouldn’t call it a LIGHT saber. If ya know what I mean. #MayThe4thPickupLines

MyVogonPoetry You are way sexier than a Womp Rat and harder to catch I bet. #MayThe4thPickupLines

ZakKlaas  Those are not the dudes you’re looking for. #MayThe4thPickupLines

HollywoodCrab Someone is writing horrible things about me? Yes, I know. It’s me.

That_Biz Eating ice cream with a fork. And yet, I haven’t given up on life.

ecareyo I’ve learned that you can’t put too much faith in a person, but driving by their house and screaming “I believe in you” is totally fine.

mikeleffingwell Firstborn children are usually the guinea pigs. This is doubly true if the parents are guinea pigs.

matthewbaldwin If we’re including “I’m fine” then yes, I am a compulsive liar.

MrWordsWorth I remember the days when all you had to do was put Bugles on your fingers and no one would mess with you.

UncleDynamite Stop pussyfooting about RTs. “RTs don’t equal endorsement.” Huh? When you RT me you fully endorse my eugenics plan for all of New Zealand.

mrgan Talking to babies feels a lot like SEO. “Yes, that’s a dog. A doggie. A puppy. Pup. Puppies. Dogs, dogfood, dog food, Cialis, Bieber.”

allisonthemeep A poem: On Amendment One, it’s important to vote. But please make it a NO, or else you’re a scrote.

TheMamamash Autocorrect keeps trying to change “hork” to “Joel.” Sorry, dudes named Joel.

teammandy Harper: “mommy, I’m sorry to tell you this. Those bananas we bought are for monkeys”. Coffee exited my nose. It burns.

morninggloria Soon the only way to legally emigrate to Arizona will be via the uterus of a woman who doesn’t want you.

joshjs Dear world, after a month-long bender, I’m giving up caffeine again. Apologies in advance for hating you all for the next 72 hours.

matthewbaldwin God gave us two ears and one mouth so we would listen more than talk. But then He gave us Twitter. So, mixed messages.

luckyshirt I’m sorry to announce that after careful consideration, I am leaving the metal electronica band I never started, Demilitarized Muffin Top.

owlparliament Some days I wish I had enough fingers to get EAT ALL THE DICKS tattooed across my knuckles.

pourmecoffee It’s Freud’s birthday. Call your mother.

MagpieLibrarian Had a dream that I was in a Hunger Games style competition where you dove into a pool and weeded a library collection as you were swimming.

Bibliosoph I’m pretty sure the only reason our cats run down to the basement is so they can get rides back up in the laundry basket.

lauracope HEY LOOK I FOUND A LAMER FRIDAY NIGHT RT @exlibris Oh nothing. Just sitting in a drive though line, bottle feeding a kitten.

usedwigs In 2000 my wife mistakenly said “Erin Broccolivitch” instead of “Erin Brockovich.” I like to mention this to her at least once a year.

mitdasein I like to get crunk, but not *too* crunk. That’s why I stick with CrunkLite: The Responsible Choice.

anneheathen  I first listened to the Beasties at church when a Sunday School teacher failed to show up. We fought for our right to party.

slapclap Hey everybody be sure to sit tight for a couple of hours after the Avengers credits. They play the exact same movie for free!

HotComesToDie I clogged up my garbage disposal with sauerkraut. I don’t know which part of that sentence is the most depressing.

markleggett Zooey Deschanel just lost another baby tooth!

slackmistress Sometimes people surprise you. Which is why I always carry a set of brass knuckles.

Jedimasterbator I like to follow A-list celebrities; when they follow me back, I block them.

pattonoswalt “I got my hands in a lot of toilets these days.” — ambitious plumber

mrpilkington I’m really starting to think it wasn’t quite the best of times.

fleshcake Some dinosaur ghosts are fucking outside my window. Or there’s a storm… no one knows for sure.

theRratedBull Cow tipping isn’t as popular in Kansas as in Texas. But couch tipping to find your mobile phone is gaining popularity around these parts.

danforthfrance This time in my life will be in the section of my memoir titled: “Whoops.”

ApocalypseHow I just ate some Guiltless Gourmet chips, then mugged a nun for money to buy meth and veal.

hotdogsladies I can never quite tell, but, I suspect my vocal range falls somewhere between a tenor and someone who really shouldn’t be singing publicly.

sgnp Behind every great man is a great woman. Put a second great woman in front of him and he’ll spin uncontrollably, glow purple, and ascend.

january_samurai Picking flowers with Isobel at the park when she blew her nose on my shirt.

Angel__Bee I just handed my 2 year old a wad of play doh and watched her walk away. Read about it in next month’s edition of Dumb Parenting Weekly

hipstermermaid Keep calm and stop making different versions of that “keep calm” poster.

Angel__Bee I can’t wait to write in the baby book how one of Allie’s first four word phrases was “NO! GO AWAY DOGGIE”

mamabub Based on her love of the jumping jack, it’s obvious that Jillian Michaels has never birthed a nine pound baby.

owlparliament The tights that I’m wearing today have lasted seven years. I feel like they should be in a Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museum.

J__Swift Who wants to push me on the mood swings.

markleggett If you think homosexuality is unnatural, then I think that you having your whole head lodged deep within your own asshole is unnatural.

MassageByTed the fact that I still haven’t won a free iPad only increases my determination.

johnmoe If you read one of those “Where Are They Now” features late at night the answer is usually “in bed, asleep.”

KeepinItSnazzy Parrots; nature’s search history bar

davepell Time flies. Unless you’re an oppressed group waiting for society to deliver justice.

theleanover Ghosts are caused by people who die knowing they had unused Baskin Robbins coupons in their wallet at the time of their death.

guiltysquid So does this mean Westboro is going to relocate to NC? Just trying to find the upside here, people.

iboudreau If Gordon Ramsay is giving you marriage counseling, you should probably just have a duel.

Coastiefish Ugh, I’m exhausted, irritable, and dizzy. According to WebMD, I have “kids.”

shinyinfo Why are all the workers at Trader Joes so happy every time I’m in there? Are they paid in weed?

TheRedQueen  I was going to tweet something filthy. Then I thought of the children.

dresdencodak Like all the best “children’s authors,” Maurice Sendak knew that kids are actually deranged sociopaths. He’ll be missed.

trumpetcake I swam with the dolphins yesterday. Now my above ground pool is ruined.

Fake_Rockstar I feel like I was hit by a train wrapped in the Space Shuttle piloted by Tango and Cash.

matthewbaldwin Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, a lady.

shariv67 $100 idea: Little skirts to put on cats’ tails to serve as a fashion accessory/butthole shield.

vanderbrarian Oh boy. One of the neighbor’s chickens somehow managed to get onto their trampoline.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.