Follow Friday – Hard Boiled

I published this ridiculous mini-story last year and since Easter is rolling around again I thought it was appropriate. It sufficiently answers the question “What the hell did I do with my time before I became a parent?” Apparently, I wrote fictitious stories about my cat.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

usedwigs What’s the best audio program to delete saxophone out of every song?

Patheticist Looks like I’ll never get proper treatment for my debilitating case of dinosaur arms.

kibblesmith If people’s appearances made them criminals, @GeraldoRivera would be tying milkmaids to train tracks.

slackmistress Running late for work because you’re trying to convince your dog to poop is less glamorous than it sounds.

saraschaefer1 Hey celebs, I checked and not EVERY internet commenter is a fat person in a bathrobe in their mom’s basement. Some of us wear ball gowns.

heliumcell Hey, guns don’t kill people, self appointed Neighborhood Watch commanders kill people.

LibrarianRy May the coffee be ever in your favor

morninggloria Hoping to draft Minotaur Jones for my fantasy baseball team.

alittlepregnant I mean, if you’re gonna spend 3 grafs telling me how much Aunt Beulah loved Jesus, at least tell me how she managed to snag a date with him.

Andy_Richter A catalog described some shoes as being “as comfortable as an old friend” & I thought how do they know I made moccasins out of Dwayne?

TheRedQueen Welcome bot followers, I am your new overlord.

Toaster_Pastry Welcome new porn-bot followers. Let’s get it on!

johnmoe If you BELIEVE in yourself, then you will always believe you can achieve ANYTHING! And good luck with that!

rstevens Daft Punk’s “Human After All” makes me cry every time. What a let down that must have been for them.

curlycomedy At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

MarylandMudflap I leave a jar of pickles in every room in my house so that if I ever trick a lady to come home with me I can immediately prove my strength.

OctoberJones Moth in my bedroom. Roughly the size of a badger on a hang glider.

sween I mixed up shenanigans and hijinks and accidentally invented shenanijinks and there. Is. Blood. Everywhere.

rstevens I want to live in a dystopian universe where Click and Clack host the HungNPR Games and Driveway Moments are PERMANENT.

DaddysinCharge The doors to Walmart are like a portal into the weirdest dimension imaginable.

usedwigs Remember in Cocktail when dumb Tom Cruise asks “How do I make that?” That’s what I’d be screaming every 5 seconds if I worked at Starbucks.

ApocalypseHow My Greek neighbors downstairs are either roasting a whole lamb, or one of them accidentally fell into the fireplace.

MeatPants So, apparently I’m really sensitive about my writing being criticized. About someone criticizing my writing. About criticism of DAMMIT!!!

wawoodworth I always thought the Hunger Games was when you woke up on the weekend & saw how long you could go before you had to get out of bed to eat.

joevelouria I’m not better than you. Large numbers of people just think I am.

ImLeslieChow I want my last words to be “Hold my beer and watch this shit.”

morgan_murphy cuz sometimes you’re in the shower like “I don’t wanna exfoliate, I’m tired” but you gotta step up your game & do it, and that’s what I did.

aalgar I think the expression should be changed to “kill two pigs with one bird.”

jenstatsky “Sleep is for the week!” – Cats

MassageByTed John Travolta is gonna be so pissed when he wakes up with Dick Cheney’s face

guiltysquid Did they find out that Dick Cheney’s heart was really three sizes too small?

mikeleffingwell Just realized I’ve had the oven on for the last three hours. I am A-DORABLE!

mariannecanada I just woke from a dream where I had a bra filled with Hamburger Helper. Never sleeping again.

milonguera Now that the cats are upstairs I get to watch Sebastián mimic hacking up a hairball.

robdelaney I know it’s silly but I can’t fall asleep by myself in a hotel unless I put on a recording of my wife’s soothing farts.

EvenMoreSarah I’m going to regret this 2nd cup of coffee, but regret is for suckers! Later, regret will be for people with irritable bowels.

sarcazm2 5 out of 5 dentists recommend not playing hockey.

steenyweeny my hunger games review: nice hat, idiot.

sarcasmically Have you ever smelled Cheetos? More like Feetos.

hipstermermaid Just looked through my grandparents’ old photo albums. Never would’ve guessed they were so into instagram.

FakeeEtiquette If you’re Geraldo, it would be polite to just shut up now.

LouisPeitzman I was going to do Hunger Games-themed #FFs, but it occurs to me you don’t necessarily want to know which order I think you’d die in.

brandynwiththey I followed some of you by accident when I fell asleep on my keyboard.

DBagChopra Everyone who’s where he IS had to start where he WAS. Though I guess that’d be true if he stood still the whole time too. What was I saying?

FarrenSquare Guess who dipped his fist into my coffee and slurped up the spillage? Hint: he is currently waving his butt in the air and squawking.

LIFECOACHERS If you ever eat the plums we were saving in the icebox for breakfast we will fuck your shit up, William.

kramediggles I don’t like pointing fingers but ppl get creeped out when I use my toes.

Toaster_Pastry My last tweet was favorited by an egg. #smallvictory

ScrewyDecimal Me (to a class visit): “When a library book is returned late, what you have to pay?” Kid: “ATTENTION!” Not quite right, but I’ll take it.

trumpetcake Try to use the word “ointment” as much as possible on your first dates.

mikeleffingwell Picked up what I thought was a quarter off the ground. It turned out to be a washer, so I covered by saying “I love these things” & ate it.

kellyasterisk I’m a big fan of Lion King-ing my orange cat, but it always turns into me Superman-ing him because he sticks his back legs straight out.

danforthfrance I can’t stay mad at you, steel drum rendition of “Under the Boardwalk” playing at Trader Joe’s.

BorowitzReport Twitter turns six today. It seems like just yesterday that I spoke to my family.

ProfessorSnack Parental Tip: Training pants may encourage your toddler to use the toilet, but training wheels will confuse them.

J__Swift It seems dumb for a woman to hire a male prostitute…I don’t know where I was going with that.

markleggett If you start to feel depressed, quickly cut your own hair. Now you look depressed too!

helytimes If I don’t “like” a picture of your baby consider it a deliberate act of aggression.

sgnp I can tell that I’m getting old, because the hassle of a new process seems to outweigh any potential benefit. I just wanna watch my stories.

val_forrestal I have a sore back from hunching over my cross stitching ::ahem:: I mean hunching over the reigns of my flying tiger.

usedwigs How many times does the cleaning woman need to barge into the men’s room while I’m in there before we’re considered going steady?

Jstraw94 I just discovered that “letting it all hang out” is not to be taken literally.

MichaelZiegler7 If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely.

willgoldsteinI bought dried pineapple to feed the dogs so they’ll stop eating their poo. I ended up eating it all. Now my poop tastes just awful!

JRehling A real gentleman can let a woman know with passion, in just one word of Spanish, that he demands, and will accept nothing less than, a taco.

Kyle_Lippert I just farted, burped and sneezed at the same time and Kid Rock showed up out of nowhere and high fived me.

NicLewis Going to an American birthday party means I get the vegetable tray to myself.

Patheticist I just friended my chips, dip and drink on Facebook and two of the three rejected it.

val_forrestal Trying to rename the cat’s game: HOW QUICKLY CAN WE MESS UP A CLEAN HOUSE? to: WHO WILL FEED YOU WHEN I’M IN AN ASYLUM? It’s not catching on.

wordlust I am not my brother’s keeper. I’m your mom’s pimp. I can’t do everything around here.

J__Swift I was going to write down a joke but I couldn’t find my pun.

sucittaM I wish that if you stopped yourself from sneezing enough times you could shoot an energy ball out of your hand.

miguelina The fact that my kids and husband are assembling IKEA shelves in their own means that all that Lego just paid for itself.

shinyinfo Who hates shirts more? Matthew Mcconaughey or those werewolves from Twilight? Wait, is Matthew Mcconaughey a werewolf?

JoyPlaza almost ready to compete in the “nearly drop your phone, try to swipe it in mid-air, and bat it across the room” Olympics.

fuzzytypewriter Man walks into the office yesterday and asks, “You have a place where I can pee?” Coupled with the least necessary pantomime ever.

goonumbertwo Studies show skinny-jeans can cause infertility, so at least they help prevent douche bags from breeding.

JRehling Today is the first day of the rest of the end of your life. #inspirational

JoeVelouria If I wrote fortunes for fortune cookies, I’d certainly at least sneak one “You’re fucked” in there.

TwattyBumbalati All of you childless people and your uninterrupted bathroom time can go fuck yourselves. Uninterrupted.

usedwigs Please come to my Home Depot How-To Demonstration: “Convert your old CD Towers into Individually-Sliced American Cheese Towers.”

johnmoe Me: It’s sunny AND snowing. Look for a snowbow. 11yo: What’s that? Me: Rainbow but with snow. 11yo: Oh, I thought it was a hobo in the snow.

FannyOvrTeacups If it doesn’t cauterize the flesh on contact, the coffee isn’t hot enough.

luckyshirt If a ball is thrown by a kid, and there is no camcorder around to record it, does it still hit someone in the crotch?

happyhomeblog after watching @BBC_TopGear I realize: America is vastly inferior to the UK in the world of sweaters.

jenstatsky If I were Glenn Close, I’d title my autobiography, “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Glenn Close.” No question.

rolandthecat I’m kinda a “Kim Deal” around here.

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

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  1. says

    Loving the kitty photos :) Hilarious tweets as always, especially love “I have a sore back from hunching over my cross stitching ::ahem:: I mean hunching over the reigns of my flying tiger.” bwahaha

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