Follow Friday – Zoo Birds

There comes a time in every parent’s life when you realize goddamn, I have got to stop swearing so fucking much. I posted as much on twitter and multiple people took my ambiguous tweet to mean I was going to stop swearing altogether. Fat fucking chance! I’ll probably swear even more online now that I’m trying not to swear in front of Isobel. It’s really hard, yo. Really fucking hard. This week, enjoy photos of some sort of bird I saw at the zoo. Have a great weekend!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.

ajthizzle You can’t have a bad day when your 3-year-old sings you a Lionel Ritchie song.

colegamble I’m encouraging my kids to become architects just so when they get their first “C” in class, I can say, “More like Frank Lloyd Wrong, eh?”

BorowitzReport If Santorum were caught drunk and masturbating in public it would drastically improve my opinion of him.

herlifewthbooks Bad news: I accidentally gave myself a Sister Wife hairdo this morning.

BillCorbett JOKE FAILURE REPORT: can’t find logic for a Mike Daisey / Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday (“you’re no Daisy”) joke. I’m my own worst huckleberry.

rstevens The easiest way to commune with nature is to be eaten by it.

UnicornFlavored I just farted in the bedroom and heard Kyle laugh from the living room.

Pinboard This Mike Daisey thing has made me sorely wish Chris Farley were still alive.

owlparliament Twitter, let’s lay in bed together and apply Ken Burns Effect to all of our favourite memories.

Molly_Kats If I’m ever turned into a zombie, I hope I’m wearing a cute outfit & not my nightgown.

sgnp It’s too bad Miles Davis isn’t around to record a “Fast Travel to the Blue Palace” Skyrim concept album.

LouisPeitzman I feel like a bulldog on a surfboard: adorable.

paul_gude Almost bought a sleeping bag today, but decided to wait until they were in sale. Life is a white-knuckle thrill ride you can never get off!

chickenscottpie I’m Irish. Please don’t touch me.

biorhythmist I’ve pretty much secured a spot on the 2016 Making The Bed While The Cat Refuses To Get Off It Olympic team. #usa

mikeleffingwell With each American Pie movie, it becomes less and less impressive that they’re able to reunite the entire original cast.

wanderingjess If you’re looking for a thoughtful celebration of Irish heritage and culture I do not recommend New Orleans.

That_Biz I would wink more often if there was a *ting* sound effect that accompanied it.

davepell My kids woke up, went downstairs and started watching TV without asking. In about 4 hours, they’re totally busted.

wawoodworth The lack of apparent organization in the Hogwarts library concerns me.

NASeason Apparently I reached down my shirt to scratch my boob in front of our accountant. So, you know, this stay at home gig is really working out.

PeteFreedman On the plus side, not going to SXSW this year keeps me from feeling bad about using a pedicab to get across town because “my feeties hurt.”

badbanana Some days you’re the bug, and some days you’re the windshield. But only if you’re a shape-shifting mutant.

helgagrace Little G keeps asking for “more garbage” to fill his garbage truck with. No one tell my dad I’m using his New York Times.

danforthfrance The mechanic says my oil is immaculate. His words. I blushed!

hipstermermaid These tweets are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.

usedwigs One sign that you’re not as serious about working out anymore is stopping for a hoagie mid run.

MassageByTed Kiss me, I’m pasty.

samanthajcampen Theo woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Then he shouted “MOM! CAN YOU FLUSH FOR ME? I DIDN’T WANT TO WAKE YOU UP!”

vladchoc The jury finds the defendant “hunky”. Haha. Ok. Guilty …of stealing my heart. Ok, AND vehicular manslaughter. But seriously, write to me.

slackmistress Do I have to report to Rick Santorum before or after my gynecologist visit tomorrow? Or should I just livetweet it?

sgnp Honestly between the multi-denominational prayers, pagan rituals, and atheist rebuttals, our Liberal agenda meetings take FOREVER to start.

JRehling I have looked EVERYWHERE and I just cannot find this pen in my hand.

mrpilkington Just said out loud to the dogs I’m watching: “To the downstairs lair! C’mon minions!”

InfiniteChicken Ah, good to be home, where I can oversleep without making my hosts think I’m dead.

alexblagg I feel like in general there’s too much stuff happening. Let’s try to just take it a little easier on all the things.

badbanana Domino’s is spending a lot of money to tell us that little pieces of bread with cheese on them is the greatest idea they’ve ever had.

NicLewis Just ordered a USB-powered portable monitor. I imagine this is what expectant parents feel like, but with less chance of buyer’s remorse.

brattyunicorn Tatted my nipples with pentagrams so i can flash Planned Parenthood protesters with flair AND PANACHE.

hipstermermaid I haven’t been able to look at cereal since the time I walked in on my parents having Chex.

That_Biz I’ve had a sweater on over my shirt all day which means no one saw it so it’s totally the shirt I’m going to wear tomorrow.

Soulsmithy Two-headed poops? The ones that are clearly meant to be two modest poops but get fused into a poop double-cone? I hate/really respect those.

DoubleBerg426 “Bitch, you got cancer!” (WebMC)

duckyouforever I fought the law and the prosecuting attorney won.

Zaius13 Oh, the ways you’ll procrastinate!

PMuffintop Now that I’m a stay at home mom, I’ve discovered some awesome cooking techniques. Is your meal a little bland? Add 7 glasses of chardonnay.

jlweinberg “Mom, I’m worried we are going to turn into a family of hobos” replied my daughter when I explained how much gas costs.

EvenMoreSarah My boyfriend has a jar of hot sauce that says it contains “liquid rage.” Big deal! That stuff flows through my veins all the time!

gonnakillhim My mother texted me “Have you heard of something called a ‘landing strip’?” Regrettably, my phone did not self-destruct.

Molly_Kats I feel like a grown-up when I take out the trash instead of smooshing it down.

DBagChopra Even parallel lines will someday meet: this is Love’s Equation. The only questions are Where? and When? Show your work for partial credit.

isplotchy You know, if I started recording these conference calls and backed them with some wicked beats, I must just have a club hit on my hands.

johnmoe I’m worried about political instability in our nation’s hipster coffee shops when all their mayors are at SxSW.

DBagChopra Hate, and anguish will return to you. Love, and you will know nothing but joy. Bake, and you will be filled with marzipan.

UncleDynamite About half of you could do with an anti-lick-your-stitches collar of some sort.

CopyCurmudgeon Let’s all try not to get stabbed to death in the Roman senate today, OK?

sarcasmically Are you really great at answering the same question ninety-two trillion times? Then parenting is the job for you! *no benefits *no salary

SpiffingJewelry You know the restaurant is amazing when you find beef in your cleavage.

MagpieLibrarian Search term to find my blog: “pile of pink sequins” which was my nickname in high school

dosesofneurosis Jesus. I saw ‘Mike D’ trending & I assumed a Beastie Boy died, but it’s just about some basketball guy & now I need a xanax.

Disalmanac Today in 1933, Michael Caine was born. Michael Caine is the guy who plays Michael Caine in all those Michael Caine movies.

muffpunch Yes, please regale us all with exact pronunciation of all the words your charming toddler says. And keep doing the baby voice. Delightful!

ingmarbirdman space republicans decree: if alien lifeform implants a egg in your face, you must carry it to term. perhaps wear a less enticing helmet next time

kellyoxford 3 yr old still calls the movie “Puss and Boobs” and I will never correct her.

apelad The most effective way to remove Coldplay off an ipod is full immersion in harsh chemical solvents.

robdelaney Whenever someone tells me I should be ashamed of myself, I’m like “Got it covered, bro!”

AnacardioRosso I like to yell ”Behold!!” before I show someone a thing.

asterios How I Know I’m Out Of Shape: I also get exhausted going down hills

ApocalypseHow Sneaking out on wife & child to comics store at 11pm to hear Damon Lindelof & Brian K Vaughan begs question: I have wife & child?

danforthfrance My cat is always looking at me expectantly and yet she hates the hats I make for her. WHAT DO YOU WANT CAT

BradleyJDuffy Life is like a game of tennis: I don’t know how to play tennis, and please don’t bother explaining it to me.

bloodyoranges Sometimes I take my cat’s laser toy and shine it through my finger and pretend it’s ET’s finger. Sometimes I do that.

MarkHolton Sometimes in life have to make tough choices & move on. It just didn’t pan out the way I had hoped: dropping @TheRock from my Twitter feed.

apelad Book idea for children or dogs who can read: Oh, the Places You’ll Go to the Bathroom.

SquiggleJay I can pretty much never run for office because twitter.

davepell Drinking tea. Listening to the Decembrists. Discussing ironic asides in link attribution debate. Punching self in face.

markleggett I’m shocked that the son of Donald Trump grew up to be a complete dick.

hipstermermaid Agreed to let the Girl Scouts on my block compete in a ‘Hunger Games’-style battle to the death. I’ll buy one box from the winner.

TwoAdults I’ve decided that tomorrow’s word of the day is “whoremongering.” I’ll let you know how that flies at daycare drop-off and at work.

jenstatsky Gonna go ahead and assume we saved the rainforest. Good work, everyone!

thegrumbles I had to wash my face to prepare for the burrito that’s about to go in it. #romance

designersays Just got a gift coffee mug with my name on it from a coworker. What a great idea since I normally forget my name on Mondays.

BeTheBoy I live in a world where I can tweet @nekocase about Hulk Hogan. The future may have failed on flying cars but this makes up for it.

SarahIvy @exlibris OMG, not cussing is so fucking hard!

What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further.  Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.


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