This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
InfiniteChicken I got a bill from ‘State Farm’. Why do I owe money to a communist cooperative? Did we lose a war?
sarcasmically I’d like to tell you I haven’t spent an hour pasting Burt Reynolds’ face onto Jesus’ body, but I don’t want BurtJesus to hear me tell a lie.
badbanana Just completed a wildly successful first test of my new robot intern at work. At least three dead.
markleggett I’ve been stressed before, but never “infomercial mom” stressed.
MassageByTed Up next on “Today”: cockblocking. What is it, who’s doing it, and how can you protect your children?
MmeSurly Every piece of popcorn chicken is unique, like a beautiful meat snowflake.
NicLewis Just saw a Target employee as nerdy as me hit on a coworker out of his league. Star Trek tells me this won’t end well for either redshirt.
emoryshatzer If I had a magic wand I’d use it to make another magic wand, except one that’s thinner & has a longer battery-life.
badbanana I was prepared to suspend disbelief when I rented Thor, but come on. Admitted to a hospital without insurance?
InfiniteChicken I want to burn all the good will my business once commanded. If only there were some model on how to do that effectively.
joeinverarity Did anybody else notice Larry King has slowly transformed into a man-size Praying Mantis?
telephase Children left unattended will be given Jolt! Cola and a Vuvuzela. #newdeptsignage
msbellows In Netflix’s defense: if the Union Pacific had evolved into an airline like it should have, its old customers would’ve hated riding Haulster.
danforthfrance Netflix just called me drunk, kept saying “I’m sorry” and said, “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Whoops, there’s the cops” and hung up.
BridgetCallahan CW is like the Countess Bathory, it bathes in the blood of young girls to stay young.
ericsiry I honestly don’t mean to tweet so much about my dog’s poop, but as writing instructors say, “tweet what you know.”
CramtronIts Thomas Kinkade! His body fades away in pastel motes of light. The light gathers and enters your heart. YOU ARE NOW THE PAINTER OF LIGHT
WhyIsDaddyCryin I love finding a FB wall post with a lot of comments on it an adding my own that says “cats are soft”
susanorlean Someone actually did move my cheese.
ohrebecca Yayyuuuuuyyyyyyyyayyayyyayyuauuyyauu vodka!
rstevens Googled “search engines” and now I can see forever.
MarinkaNYC I don’t understand people who talk to me while I’m obviously tweeting. It’s like they were raised in a WiFi-less barn.
Cheeseboy22 Fun stat: Even when I wear my Hammer pants, I am still the most normal person in Rite Aid 100% of the time.
palinode Why didn’t they rename “The Hills Have Eyes 2? as “The Hills Have 2 Eyes”? Because duh.
vhsTapes2 I assume “Holy Cow!” is a Hindu term.
RobinMcCauley My doctor said I have to stop drinking caffeine or I will die but it’s okay I’ve had a good run.
notthatkendall If time travel is ever invented, my first move would be to go back to the moment before WebMD is invented just to punch that guy in the face.
JohnRossBowie Last night, I sneezed so hard my mouthguard flew out. Ladies, I am a married man, control yourselves.
timcarvell OK, this is weird. The CEO of Netflix is now just standing under my window, holding up a boom box playing “In Your Eyes”.
rustymk2 Just made a fake female profile on Christian Mingle for ‘Bea Elsie Bubbs’ so I could cast out the infidels on their site.
luckyshirt If Lil Jon and Lil Wayne had a baby, it would be Lil Jon Wayne The Abomination Born Of Two Men And That’s Not Even How Baby Names Work.
theRratedBull It’s so hard to overcome stupidity. But I challenge you to keep trying.
SweetDeeeeeeTV in general is terrible for the most part. It’s like watching millions of years of evolution collapse in 30 minute segments
EvenMoreSarah guess that’s Pepto Bismol spilled on the stairs at work, but it looks like someone’s been murderin’ Care Bears up in here.
BridgetCallahan One of the major differences between me and a highly effective person is pants.
milonguera Pan flute. The spa industry’s musical overlord.
mikeleffingwell Watching my wife and daughter napping peacefully just feet from my dog who’s aggressively licking his penis. Mixed emotions.
ProfessorSnack I suppose the difference between bent and hell bent would be the shipping fees.
morninggloria All cat litter’s “fresh” scent smells the same, which defeats purpose of masking smell. Why not make a hickory bbq scented variety?
TwoAdults Toddlers slept until 8am. Ponies for everyone!
Schmoodles I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. – White. – Good condition. – Reliable. – Cheap. – Some evidence of rear end damage.
CorporateMonkey every year on my birthday I wonder if THIS is the year that I’ll finally get my superpowers.
senorwinces Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
slackmistress Going by what it selects as my “Top Stories,” Facebook needs to invade my privacy more.
sarcasmically One year at Christmas my gramps couldn’t buy a tree so we decorated the ’82 Chevy Blazer sittin’ on blocks in the yard. A+++ would do again.
ProfessorSnack Remind me to tell my kids about the elves who come by Halloween night and eat candy so they have energy to finish all of Santa’s toys. Burp.
alotofnothing Do Canadians celebrate Halloween with the rest of us or did they have it in September?
ElizabethBanks I totally rocked my “overtired working mom” costume. Complete with spit-up on shirt and a nap. And somehow, I still made it slutty.
notbrandoncrane Just saw a bird explode. It was like a pillow fight gone horribly horribly wrong.
heyrenees I just got to third with the buffet at the Four Seasons.
shariv67 White suburbanites giving out healthy Halloween treats, I hope your house is pelted with only the finest organic eggs.
rstevens I wish that when I said that we got ten inches last night that I was being saucy.
sucittaM People didn’t smile in photographs from the 1800?s mostly because the taco pizza hadn’t been invented yet.
AmberTozer Oh sorry, I thought you were a real donkey. Your costume is amazing. I’ll get off your back & stop screaming “IT’S JUST YOU AND ME DONKEY”
rstevens All I can think of is all the poor samovars of coffee going cold in the power outage before getting the chance to be turned into pee.
OhLookBirdies Victorians were posers. Hundreds walked around with those ear trumpets, but only a few of them could play it.
theleanover On Facebook, when I clicked that I “Like” Katy Perry, I really just meant her boobs.
slackmistress So it turns out “Call of Duty” isn’t a competitive pooping game.
rstevens My kingdom for a democratic republic.
royalboiler If we ever get jetpacks they will be so uncool. Like fannypacks mixed with segways.
bobtiki Heck of a day for my beard trimmer to stop working. If you see a hobo at today’s wedding, it’s probably just me.
jillgengler I think my tombstone will say “Jill Gengler: She was really fast with a flat iron.”
apodixis I know some of you are pretty busy. But you don’t actually have to read my tweets to star them. In fact, it’s better that way.
MassageByTed You probably don’t even know that your favorite thing about being childless is not having to convince someone else to eat food.
Kasdorf Any tattoo commemorating service in WWII, Korea, Vietnam or the Merchant Marines should be called a “gramp stamp.”
bookishbella It’s “voila,” not “viola.” Unless of course you’re just really excited about string instruments.
mikeleffingwell No one seems reassured by my “I Only Touch People Appropriately” T-shirt.
Patheticist Every morning my wife and I play a game of parenting chicken, the winner pretends to be asleep longer and the loser makes breakfast.
shariv67There aren’t many sports that couldn’t be improved by adding a bear.
mikeleffingwell Whenever one door closes another door opens. This house is haunted!
BonesMcCoy Why is everyone obsessed that some Cardassian named Kim divorced?
J__Swift I actually enjoy being loved from behind. Afar? It’s loved from afar, isn’t it.
JustinMcElroy The worst thing about the NBA season being canceled is that it’s like losing seven of Air Bud’s best playing years.
crassmama I guess saying “nice beard, I’m going to follow you!” to some dude isn’t as well-received in line at Starbucks as it is on Twitter.
badbanana Life is way more exciting in your forties. At any point you could sneeze wrong and end up getting emergency back surgery.
000___000 Idea for evolution: a bear with a helicopter rotor on its head.
apodixis Poop on the floor,
And you’re to blame–
You give cats
A bad name!
Cats inspire me.
robdelaney Oops! My wife just asked me if I remembered her birthday & I pulled a “Rick Perry.” (I executed her)
InfiniteChicken Life has yet to give me an opportunity to make good on my “I could punch my way out the Vatican” boasts.
misskubelik and you might say to yourself: “Hey, is there a picture of a Corgi dressed up as the USS Enterprise?” And the answer is “Corgiprise” & YES.
lateandsoon Long-ass day. An ass should be firm or pert or voluptuous. ANYTHING but long.
rstevens The dog somehow hid a gooey rawhide bone up my shorts leg. I think I still like the dog.
Dude_WaitWhat I want one of those LifeAlert things. I believe I should be able to use it when out of wine and too drunk to drive.
ApocalypseHow A recent study says psychopaths use certain words more often than everyone else. For example, “Murder-tunity.”
ineedaballrub I still remember the day I hatched from my egg avatar.
NicLewis After warding off 3 Best Buy guys with my technobabble, they descended upon a lady in a motorized cart. Now I’m conflicted about my powers.
Leask I’m pretty awesome at complaining. #grumblebrag
hellnope Sent an email for the team huddle today. Realized just after hitting send I sent a team cuddle email. Today is gonna be adorable soon.
Bagyants When I scream “I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING” it’s always about leftover food and never about feelings.
joshjs Somewhere, Katie Holmes is asking Siri to buy Suri a Sari. Also, I apologize for that last sentence.
Schmoodles Always be yourself. Unless you’re an asshole. In which case, always be someone else.