This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
shariv67 Banner ads that unexpectedly yell at me owe me a new office chair.
shinyinfo An impressionable youth from Library School is coming to talk to me tomorrow about the secrets to my success. Spoiler Alert, it’s Mt. Dew.
vhsTapes2 I jot down notes so I don’t forget tweets. Coworker found one. It said “An old lady fell. A medley of stenches.” I did not try to explain.
jszyd These kids are driving me to drink! Which is cool because then I got a ride home when I’m all shitfaced.
Bashful_Muse Vacuumed up a live spider yesterday and a dead fly today. That spider better be dead. I don’t like the idea that I’m providing room service.
UncleDynamite As the person who used the bathroom right after you I feel I have to ask: Have you been eating a lot of peanut butter & caraway seeds?
glenyrd Coldplay came on Pandora. A flock of vaginas flew through my window and nestled on my desk. I fed them some cheese and they flew away.
mrdavehill It’s so hot out today, I almost want to just stand here in front of the fire hydrant and not even bother doing my sexy dances anymore.
toasterlicious Additional note to self: phone autocorrects “NOOOOOO” to “VOOOODOOOO,” which raises more questions than it answers.
theleanover The next person who tries to make small talk with me is going to hear about when my mom’s dog ate a jar of pickles.
emirkr I’m worried scientists won’t discover new species of big cats in time for Mac OS next release.
negativsteve I considered instituting a Swear Jar at work, but the prices for these shitty jars are fucking ridiculous.
apodixis I have just invented a word to describe how I am in bed. I am perversatile!
TheBloggess That “first pets name + street you grew up on” doesn’t work for me. No one wants to have sex with “Whiskers Route 4 Box 980.”
slackmistressI need a Kickstarter campaign to get me off of this couch
StephenAtHome It’s President Obama’s birthday this week! Unless the Republicans made him give that up too.
stevetweeters The best thing about tacos is they’re like eating loud hamburgers.
shawnpearlman Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
theneener I hope print media never dies. How else will I securely pack my fine china?
th3jm4n I am a man, and men have needs. One of those needs is tater tots. #IAmAMan
malkatz I had no clue it’s Women’s Day, but that makes my gynecologist appointment later today much more meaningful.
scenesfromahat Whenever someone tries to tell you that “fugly” isn’t a word, look them square in the eyes and say, “It’s a portmanteau, you fugly bastard.”
mat The best thing about being a guy in your late 30s is discovering all the cool new places you can grow hair.
milkglassheart Just mortified myself remembering how I sang The Owl & The Pussycat like a lounge singer when I was little.
goodinthestacks Despite the hilarity that may have ensued, I corrected “plague” to “plaque” in a memo written by my boss.
ericsiry To give you some insight as to what an amazing athlete I am, last night I pulled a calf muscle in my sleep.
birbigs I hope this is cool but I put down all my twitter followers as my “emergency contact” at the hospital.
ericsiry Next time you stop to smell the roses, remember that flowers are a plant’s genitals, and that you’re gross.
sgnp I expect that when I’m old and not so mobile, my daughter is going to tickle me like crazy. I will feebly slap her with my robot arms.
apelad My investment portfolio is a stack of old X-Men comics and an earring I found that might be a diamond.
DaveHolmes That “OBAMA’S HIP-HOP BBQ DOESN’T CREATE JOBS” Fox headline took jobs away from people who write parodies of Fox headlines.
jszyd I am so hungry, my stomach is making noises as if I just ate Taco Bell.
lovegrrbottle turns out it’s not the best idea to put sex toys in a box marked “games” and open it up for the first time when you have company over.
Zaius13 I’m not embarrassed that everyone saw me picking my nose during the meeting, but I do kind of regret making it the core of my presentation.
shinyinfoVolunteer heard we give a long rendition of “Backstreet’s Back” when I thought she was out of the room. Kill myself now or later?
LaurenGberg Sending my hopes & dreams to a farm upstate where they’ll be free to play all day long with other hopes & dreams.
InfiniteChicken ‘Little Rascals’ never made sense to me until I realized they were all in Purgatory.
joeljohnson New York earthquakes are better because of our thinner crust.
johnmoe I like earlier earthquakes before everyone found out about them. I felt a tiny earthquake in Olympia, Washington once at a house party.
morninggloria I knew that “Gettin Jiggy Wit It” would lead to nothing but pain.
shariv67 Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s Eve? Thou art more douchey and more desperate.
theRratedBull One very important lesson I’ve learned is that no matter how smart your phone is it still won’t know how to swim.
gabedelahaye Ladies, which do you find more romantic: “AWOOGA!” or “HUBBA HUBBA!”? Please be honest.
wordlust If I’m supposed to be loving my neighbor as I love myself, I guess I owe my neighbor 217,816 handjobs.
ProfessorSnack Welcome new followers. Many of you will deny and unfollow me before I tweet thrice. I’ll love you no less.
tommycm i always feel like my iphone is passing comment on my life when it states ‘nothing to undo’.
tommycm you know those awful misogynist hip-hop gigs where the group get all the sexy ladies onto the stage? how might i do something similar here?
badbanana Pandora has gone from asking me “Are you still listening?” to “So, like, shouldn’t you go get some exercise or something?”
Pinochet I was much happier before i knew what truck nutz were.
lateandsoon Books in the STORM of Ice &Fire series include: A HOME FOR KNIVES, A PRIDE OF KNAVES, A GORGE OF SCONES, A STORM OF SONGS, & STABAPALLOOZA.
InfiniteChicken I’m ‘clouding’ my entire music library to the Google. It’s inloading now!
FozziesRevenge i thought turtles were too slow to be effective ninjas
chickenscottpie When you harmonize with the hum of the garage door opener, people act like, somehow, you’re the one who’s crazy.
slackmistress How many years of marriage is the Star Trek Anniversary?
TheThryll Some people like Beethoven’s 5th, I prefer “Dennis Steals the Embryo” from the Jurassic Park Soundtrack.
YourAuntDiane Anyone want some leftovers of this vegan dessert I just had? It’ll keep forever, it’s a bowl of water.
rstevens Give me coffee or give me a minute to remember what the end of that sentence was.
jenstatsky When I say a woman “seems like she has her shit together,” that’s basically me saying, “Pretty sure she shaves her legs more often than I do.”
slackmistress “She’s two cats away from giving up completely.” – ad agency describing the target audience for Pajama Jeans
apodixis God I hope you can’t get herpes by reading someone’s timeline.
HAL9000_Scientists think that there is a supernova in Galaxy M101 – it’s actually a regular nova with its underwear on top of its pants
WowItsStephen 1 songwriting duo wrote the themes for Ducktales, TaleSpin, Rescue Rangers, & Gummi Bears. Suck it, Simon & Garfunkel. Suck it slooow.
oodja I thought Bing worked by saying “BING!”
CourtneyReimer “There are no second acts in American lives and there are no quick trips to Ikea.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald, unedited version
The_Daver With coffee, all things are possible.
Keex714 Someone tell Jerry Lewis to STOP having kids.
JVdesigns Whoever said glitter is the herpes of the craft world should alert the girl in the Twilight shirt outside my office to what this implies.
elloyd74 “We never fight in bed. The grandparents in ‘Willy Wonka’ really knew how to make a marriage work.”
jawillie #YourStarshipCaptainMightBeARedneckIf If the Captain’s Chair doubles as a Hover-round scooter.
papanic #YourStarshipCaptainmightbeaRedneckif the biggest trouble he has with tribbles is that they are undocumented.
PoisonFox #YourStarshipCaptainmightbeaRedneckif his First Officer is a Basset Hound.
jenifersf #YourStarshipCaptainMightBeARedneckIf He orders you to set phasers to bear, deer or possum.
ChrisDoohan #YourStarshipCaptainmightbeaRedneckif he refers to Klingons as “Critters”
jenifersf #YourStarshipCaptainmightbeaRedneckif He has a working navigation console sitting on top of a non-working navigation console.
tcarmody Like most indie bands, it looks like Hurricane Irene was a lot more rough-edged & powerful before selling out and moving to New York.
kellyoxford It’s too bad that everyone who has a solution for everything is at home commenting on the internet.
EvenMoreSarah Looking through Facebook & I see so much tattoo money that should have been spent on education or possibly dental work.
benmarvin Pro Tip: Take your shirt off when you poop. Trust me.
BridgetCallahan I don’t know about you, but there are times when I really have to stop myself from posting Craigslist ads as performance art.
InfiniteChicken In case you were curious, it is entirely possible to eat too much pineapple. Learn from my error.
dirtyvicar Edward or Jacob. Peeta or Gale. Betty or Veronica. People pretend to enjoy love triangles, but what they really want are threeways.
MmeSurly I can only assume the PT Cruiser in front of me ran off the road just now because it became sentient and suddenly realized what it was.
slackmistress This moisturizer promised to erase years of my life but I still remember 1991.
slackmistress If I expect the unexpected then isn’t it expected and this is where I get eaten by clowns, I think.
kitchenartist I wish this pie graph I’m working on was made of, or at least about, actual pie.
rudepundit I wish corporations were people. I’d drag Bank of America out of a bar and kick its ass.
LouisPeitzman If I say, “gurl,” that means you look fierce. If I say, “guuurl,” you’re being crazy, or I started saying “gurl” and it turned into a burp.
MassageByTed If only Dorothea Lange had used Instagram, the Depression would’ve been way more awesome.
dingman35 I used to wake up to Kenny Loggins Dangerzone as my alarm but I don’t anymore, because the day can’t possibly get any better after that
slackmistress I still fit into my jeans which means I’ve failed Labor Day.
jerryrenek If you dye your dog’s fur, there should be a special corner of Kansas set aside for you.
toddmarrone The stick figure decals on my car’s rear window represent the people I’ve hit.
mrpilkington Okay last chance for you to give me access to your sweet Manhattan penthouse for a week. I have zero dollars but I will break things.
slackmistress Crappy Diem, amirite?
theleanover Isn’t it embarrassing when you open your laptop up in a classroom and the video player’s still on and instead of porn it’s Star Trek DS9?
LouisPeitzman I’d drive a lot better if you’d just let me win all our Words With Friends games.
willgoldstein Is it bad that I need my twitter and instagram feeds to figure out when I last bathed my child?
morninggloria Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s highly contagious.
shinyinfo You know someone’s got their lyric game locked up when they make a Death of a Salesman reference.
UncleDynamite Every time I see a little kid slither out of a ball pit, I think “Design fail.”
MassageByTed One universal truth about city buses: someone in the back is dying.
badbanana Day five of the Insanity Workout. Ten minutes of talking to a mailbox followed by an hour at McDonald’s with a sword.
ProfessorSnack One man’s junk is another man’s pleasure.
rachow Think I figured out the secret to a bigger dick. Might shoot everyone an email.
posthumanist Literally every Republican presidential candidate looks like they could play Satan in a movie about a Satan president.
muffpunch Dropped the carafe to my espresso maker & broke it. Cleaned up the glass then knocked the machine over & broke it. I’m pretty good at this.
ShaunLetendre Either ‘desperate and lonely’ doesn’t work anymore, or this is a gay bar.
telephase Sometimes, I start trying to play Wu-Tang Clan lyrics on Words with Friends. That’s how I know it’s time to put down the phone.