This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
badbanana Sorry, kids. Daddy can’t watch you grow up because he has to constantly change the batteries in his Apple wireless keyboard.
stephenharred How is there not already a thing titled “Pimp and Pimpability?”
ProfessorSnack Today I turned Arthur into a jackass. J/K, he did that on his own. – diary excerpt Myrddin Emrys
markleggett The Sherlock Holmes/Batman fan-fiction I’m writing is going great, except they keep making out with each other. Solve some crimes already!
apodixis If you really love your pets you shouldn’t have them fixed. You should to teach them to respect themselves by practicing abstinence.
msbellows I’d be an awesome S.E.A.L. Team commando if we could schedule missions midmorning, after coffee and a couple sit-downs.
notthatkendall There should be some kind of mandatory training for those interested in the privilege of using the “reply all” button.
sarcasmically Angry driver threw a taco at my car, which is a bad way to get me to STOP cutting him off ’cause yum and I wonder how many more tacos he has.
hotdogsladies If a team of in-laws simultaneously Googles you during dinner, be honest, stay calm, then blame the 1000s of boner jokes on “a cyber-virus.”
jillgengler Good to know that the State of IL Central Management Services isn’t blowing our tax dollars on good graphic design.
inktwice Her: ….sss-shit. Me: Sss-shit? Her: I was not going to say it. Me: …but then you thought, “Fuck it.”
BisexualElves I have ennui, which is emo for dropping your iPad.
danforthfrance I just took a stab at the name of the new X-Men movie and came up with “X…Class?” Hello. I am your dad now.
massagebyted It’s bad for Rep. Weiner now, but he’ll feel even worse when I release the pics I got from Michelle Bachman. That lady is hung like a horse.
killorn My dog is always so thrilled to see me come home for however long it takes him to realize I am not carrying a ham in my purse..
sandwichpolice I hung up first. I won the goodbye!
BridgetCallahan You know what the opposite of cool is? A smooth jazz interpretation of the State Farm Good Neighbor song
bridger_w A commercial just asked, “Who says you can’t have your shrimp and eat it too?” I’m not positive, but… Nobody?
kerryhowell Why you don’t have me buy the Costco cake for departing coworkers: it has a dinosaur on it. And “You’re not extinct to us, Lori!” as message.
ApocalypseHow Coincidentally, “Game of Thrones” is what I have long called my ongoing struggle with constipation.
johnmoe Some people like to take a staycation but they go somewhere. It’s called an “awaycation”.
TheBloggess I lost 2 followers after explicitly telling people not to send me nude photos of themselves. I’m sorry to have disappointed both of you.
michaeljnelson Certainly “Roxanne” has been the cause of the most caterwauling followed by involuntary punching.
FakeAPStylebook Thorough research is the key to quality reporting. Read the ENTIRE Wikipedia article before writing your story.
lunchyprices Teens: Don’t do cocaine! Save it for your 30’s when you’ll need it just to watch TV until 10pm.
DanMacEachern I’d be much less worried about all this talk about storing data in the cloud if I didn’t think Lando Calrissian will betray us all.
ProfessorSnack As far as tool names go, “ball peen hammer” has always made me a little uncomfortable.
jszyd Later today, only because of popular request, I am going to fuck myself.
JerryThomas In Hell you will be tormented by every semicolon you have abused. I will see to it. I promise you.
johnmoe My favorite old dead musician is Ol’ Deady Dead Person Twangy Guitar Dead McGillicuddy. He has a new album of duets with his son Jason.
sween When I say “please bear with me” I want you to pretend to be a bear with me.
johnroderick Not to contradict Stevie Nicks, but a one-winged dove would get pecked half to death and then eaten by a raccoon.
squeekzoid “I Ain’t Afraid of No Holy Ghost” #rejectedhymns
theleanover “(Don’t) Beat It” #rejectedhymns
SteveHuff “There is a Fountain Filled With Blood and Poop” #rejectedhymns
sgnp Be nice to everyone in case one guy your sister knew at the music store next to her work becomes DJ Lance Rock. #OverlySpecificLifeLessons
sbellelauren my sundress says “i’m 12!” but my eye makeup says “that’s when i started having sex!”
heyitsurban When you’re hungry enough, they’re all Edible Arrangements.
FlyteAphrodite Doesn’t everyone read angry or offensive emails & texts in Paula Deen’s voice?
.apodixis My neighbors set their car alarm to go off several times every morning until it wakes them. They are creative people who are going to die.
shinyinfo On Captain Picard day, this most holy of days, remember to believe in yourself and that there are four lights.
Brain_Wash Adulthood means realizing that a warm jelly donut possesses 80% of the qualities you’re looking for in a mate.
80sMomKara It’s fine if you need to distance yourself from me for awhile after these Lawrence Welk tweets; I once unfollowed someone over Erkel.
Brain_Wash I wish I had only 99 problems.
tysiscoe Twitter, you auto-complete me.
SaraJOY So does anyone else think their kids resemble zombies? The wobbling approach, dogged determination, growling, slobbering..
ProfessorSnack If I had a convertible I’d make the transformer noise every time I took the top up or down, like I do when I take my clothes off.
ShutUpAndrosky For my money, there’s no better name to say when you’re sad than Tony Shalhoub.
Sigafoos If crusty French bread were a woman, I’d have committed adultery in my heart many times.
zhandlen Well, thank god Ernie can finally make an honest man out of Bert.
kwmurphy My bologna has a first name. It’s Janet. Miss Jackson if you’re nasty.
sglassmeyer It’s not so much that I’m referring to myself in the third person, but that I call myself “Honey Badger” whist doing so that causes concern.
joseph_ocon Walked up a hill in skinny jeans and now I can’t have kids.
sbellelauren oh all this time i thought FML meant Fondle Martin Lawrence whoops that changes some things
DamienFahey No one would eat oysters if they were named after what they look like, Jeff Goldblum’s ears.
Brain_Wash And my tombstone shall read, “Died doing what he loved. Well, he *said* he loved her.”
TheNextMartha Someone just called my cell and I was too lazy to get it. I only have internet friends now. Raise your hand if it was you.
AFG85 It used to be that I would walk into a room and forget what I was looking for. Now I go to Google and forget what query I was going to put.
atheists Jesus had two dads.
badbanana “He died doing what he loved, which was clinging to life and trying not to die, which he was very good at until recently.”
JohnFugelsang I seriously haven’t seen Nancy Grace this furious since her bungling henchmen let those Dalmatians escape.
BeTheBoy Didn’t go to the Dodger game because they wouldn’t honor the military discount despite the fact that I was in my KISS Army uniform
LPCookbook I feel impatient waiting for fireworks but it is less because of the magic and more because bitch gotta get up for work in like 9 hours.
antigone_spit My mom: “This is not the Mystery Science version so shut up. But if you want to put a gumball machine on your head feel free.”
LPCookbook I feel sort of like I don’t say the word “douchebag” enough. I mean to people’s faces.
johnmoe The name “Lowly Worm” tells you all you need to know about the brutal Busytown caste system.
daddytwocoats Someone referenced a joke I made in a show on Twitter. This must be how Oprah feels.
thejohnblog “ACCIO JACK DANIELS!”
jimmyfairplay I told my dad how many followers I have. He just pointed at stuff he’d built with his hands. You win this round, dad.
steenyweeny based on how successful my patio garden is, i’m shocked there’s enough food in the world for more than 9 people.
GoGadgetGadget Your condescending tone is so sexy. Look! It’s giving my middle finger a boner.
sgnp Thanks for the sex! #fourwordsaftersex
mrteacup The quality of a relationship can be perfectly measured by the length of a mutually agreed-upon netflix queue.
mattsai I wish life would just hand me lemonade. That would be way easier.
steenyweeny i was up at 5:30 today, so it’s taking special effort to make sure i’m late for work this time.
mattsai The hottest rack a girl has is her book shelf.
inversejaik Learning how to make jelly. My brother: ‘Going for a JAM session?’ Me: ‘I will kill you.’
letsdiefriends When I don’t really tweet much all day, then am suddenly very chatty, you can safely assume I’m pooping.
badbanana My new social network is an empty pickle jar that you can scream anything you want into. Nearby people can comment.
apodixis Sure, no pun was intended. But one could easily have been avoided.
Squirreljustice Can’t I just text M for Murder?
apelad Now the other kids are outside playing that game where you put a ball in a sock and throw it around. I think they learned it in prison.
rolldiggity “If you’ve got it, flaunt it” was the inspiration behind my “RABIES!” t-shirt.
markleggett All of the people who bravely fought for their right to party many years ago now enjoy going to bed on a Saturday night before 9pm.
ApocalypseHow My smartphone is one restaurant-finding app away from being Gollum’s “precious.”
mrfaulty Y’all realize that the internet runs on people stupid enough to click on banner ads?
NASeason I need an “It Gets Better” campaign for newbornhood.
shinyinfo I am a little concerned how Zefram Cochrane is going to invent the warp drive without the Space Program, you guys.
CcSteff My baby is the cutest, whiniest Roomba ever.
sucittaM Dad always said “Time to hit the sack!” before bed. Not sure how getting punched in the testicles helped him sleep, but that was just dad.
giraffrocentric Don’t post shirtless photos of your new boyfriend if you don’t want me to comment about his great tits and then Like my own comment.
Caissie Oh, you’re hung like a horse? That’s so cool! I have a gaping horse vagina! #WhatIWishISaid
Brain_Wash An NPR t-shirt at a farmer’s market is like a tramp stamp at a strip club.
loganfountain “hey there’s that weird lady” – neighbor-kid wearing only underwear sitting in a rain puddle
supDawgiHerd You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
IamMsMoneypenny I still believe in chivalry, like the man paying for the flowers and the dinner, and then, like, paying for other stuff, too.
Superfluously I’ll sleep when my phone’s dead.