This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
louispeitzman There’s a thin line between Bette Davis eyes and “You look like a pug-human hybrid.”
wordlust The expression “Shame on you!” isn’t working. We need to invent a shame hose.
KeepingYouAwake Whenever I say “one of these days…” I like to motion at a calendar so people have an idea of when to expect it.
simontarr If I start screaming for an ambulance later, someone remind me that I just ate a ton of beets.
theRratedBull The only reason I know this is the real world and not The Matrix is because my phone malfunctions at least twice a day.
BillCorbett “You are not aware of how aware you are. Are you aware of that? You are, more than you’re even aware!” — my upcoming self-help book
louispeitzman Everything I was into as a kid now terrifies me as an adult: clowns, robots, the United States.
thejennui Did a load of laundry with a chocolate heart in SOMEONE’s pocket. It looks like everything has Pooticles on it.
jasonfleming73 Question from Student: “Can you even beat ‘Robot Unicorn Attack’”?
theRratedBull Mama used to say if you can’t tweet nothin’ good don’t tweet at all. Of course, Twitter wasn’t invented yet so I’m not sure what she meant.
blainecapatch hang in there, baby…friday’s coming! and eventually, death.
colsonwhitehead Because I could not stop for Death, Death was like, Hold up, G.
joseph_ocon I’m in love! Wait. Never mind. I was just sitting in a really comfy position.
louispeitzman Feel free to quiz me on the #superbowl. I already looked up which teams are playing, and I can fill the gaps in my knowledge with Wikipedia.
badbanana Taking this party to the next level, Charlie Sheen style. Just gave a $30,000 check to one of my cats.
joseph_ocon Dude and I exited bathroom stalls at the same time. We locked eyes and he nodded, as if to say, “Hey, bro. We did it.”
louispeitzman This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
markleggett Oh cool, I gained a follower! Hello asshole!
markleggett Oh no, I lost a follower! Come back asshole!
badbanana Tartaur. Half man, half delicious seafood condiment.
sween Planning my fantasy baseball team. Got an elephant pitching. He shoots the ball out of his trunk. That’s as far as I’ve got.
MostShefinitley KY Jelly should change their name to High Fucktose Porn Syrup.
thejohnblog I’m hiding in a bathroom stall at work playing WORDS WITH FRIENDS because last time I checked, this is America.
purple_quark ah, it is #oversharewednesday Well, the dog has diarrhea. My life is now complete.
wordlust A good teacher doesn’t crush souls. A good teacher shows students how to crush their own souls. This ensures the flattest souls possible.
joshuamneff “I resign as leader of Egypt. No, not RESIGN! I REIGN! REIGN! DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT!” — Hosni Mubarak
markleggett I’m so super stressed right now, there’s way too many things going on! (two things).
JerryThomas I’ve been touched by so many angels it’s starting to get creepy.
guiltysquid Me: It’s a joke about Jesus. It’s tasteful.
Friend: Why would you make a joke about Mr. Garcia?
GeorgeTakei Dear TSA agent: If you touch my junk, I’m going in with tongue.
DamienFahey If I’m reading this correctly the Second Amendment allows me to shoot a bear, tear off his arms and keep them.
eareeve Almost pulled a muscle trying to do the Roger Rabbit.
slackmistress Our peeping tom just looked in our windows and waved. That’s the sort of extra effort that makes our peeping tom special.
markleggett Tomorrow is “Bring your cat to work dressed up as an adorable widdle biddy baby Day”. Excited.
markleggett I want to see an Anne Geddes “Where are they now?” calendar, where the babies have to recreate the same photos 20 years later (No dudes).
himissjulie every time I take the toner cartridge out of the printer, shake it around, and put it back in, I think, HELLS YEAH MASTER’S DEGREE
unrealsnow Phrase I got to learn in Spanish today: There’s a car on fire across the street.
loather Cooking dinner while listening to Killing In the Name Of makes dinner feel like a revolutionary act. FUCK YOU I WON’T SERVE WHAT YOU TELL ME
jberthume I am quite pleased with my recent luggage purchase for an upcoming business trip and oh man I am basically an old
MrWordsWorth Sometimes, I actually try to determine which person from Sex & the City I could spend time with, if I had to.
love_drunk When anyone describes the food they’re currently eating as “bomb ass”, I can only assume they mean “diarrhea-inducing.”
danforthfrance Hard hat fell off the wall in my closet’s “hat gallery” and brained me. Not sure what I could have done to prepare for that eventuality.
jaypee_tweets On a scale from 1 to farmville, how annoying are you?
soulpancake Just as birds evolved from dinosaurs, hipsters are direct descendants of nerds, with better plumage and smaller brains.
rendadam Hey Newt, if America turns you on so much, why don’t you marry it? Then divorce it when it gets cancer.
BillCorbett I’m no fan of Dr. Oz, but it’s nice that they finally gave a TV show to a Romulan.
MrWordsWorth Idea: Liam Neeson & Harrison Ford attempt to kidnap each other’s wife and family, wind up falling in love instead.
LizB I want to read a True Blood / Jersey Shore mashup about Snooki Stackhouse. Not really, I just wanted to say Snooki Stackhouse.
louisvirtel If I ever give birth to quintuplets, the first thing I’ll say is “Yahtzee.”
slackmistress I just pulled something while getting up off the couch. Pretty sure this is The American Dream.
markleggett I wish I was sleeping and simultaneously eating a toasted cheese sandwich right now.
GeorgeTakei It sounds simple, but showing up, on time, is what gets you halfway there. Duct tape solves everything else.
Caissie Listening to Paddington Bear audio book in car. Sound drops out several times. Me: Oh no! 8YO: They have to do that because of the swears.
joseph_ocon If I pat you on the back during a hug, I’m tapping out.
TheRedQueen One of my neighbors named their wireless network “shut those fucking dogs up”. Amen dude, amen.
pistolval Ivy made clothing for one of her littlest pet shop dolls out of playdough and is telling all the other dolls: “Lady Squeak Squeak is here!”
Lord_Stewie I went to the store to buy a “Where’s Waldo” book and couldn’t find it. Well played Waldo, well played.
Zaius13 Rock out with your vagina out! Your freakish protruding vagina
matthewbaldwin There’s no business like show business. Well, except taxidermy. Remarkably similar, it turns out.
ethanharrison I hate when bathrooms have timed lights. It’s like I’m trying to defuse a bomb in my pants. If I fail, everything goes black.
KeepingYouAwake Suddenly, and with no reason, parts of The Eagles – Life in the Fast Lane just made sense to me. I must have had a stroke.
markleggett A stranger looked at me while I was wiggling my finger around in my belly button, and I didn’t bother to stop. This is who I am now.
DamienFahey Guy Fieri’s shirts are dangerous. How will anyone know if he’s ever ACTUALLY on fire?
tysiscoe I’m not interrupting you. I’m mercy killing the headless chicken of your point.
dirtyvicar Wow my 200th Tweet! Seems like only yesterday I was saying how cosmically superfluous Twitter is. Well, that was yesterday, but I’m a hypocrite.
Gen_with_a_G Craig and I just had a sarcasm showdown and Sam ran in and shouted “Listen up, guys! Fighting is not cool.” Me 0. Craig -30. Sam 1.
shinyinfo Since the book cart isn’t motorized, I basically just dance around the cart while someone pushes it. #GhostRideTheBookCart
popcandy Confessed my love of jigsaw puzzles to my pal Laura, who replied, “It’s OK, I do puzzles by Thomas Kinkade. He is the painter of light.”
Zaius13 Pizza gives me a mouth boner.
hateyouprobably Sometimes when my hair is up in a towel, I put towel behind my ears so they stick out and pretend I’m Jennfier Garner.
goldengateblond If I ever start a matchmaking service for senior citizens, I think I’ll call it Carbon Dating.
mathowie My hilarious doctor scheduled my vasectomy on the same day as my only child’s 6th birthday, as if to drive home the point.
RailbirdJ I always get a little sad when I see that I’m losing followers. Then I realize they’re all just spambots. I’M NOT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR SPAM!
KeepingYouAwake Every time you have a typo, an IKEA product gets a name.
KTwithaC My tailor made my bridesmaid dress to tight. At least now I will be able to rest my head on my boobs when I get tired.
Zaius13 News shows should fill that awkward satellite delay time with vintage footage of a chimp operating a switchboard.
Krud Whenever I hear the term “Cloud Computing,” I imagine something like: “Analyzing, Please Wait.. *hourglass* Results: It looks like a bunny.”
slackmistress I don’t wear clean underwear in case I’m in an accident. I wear clean underwear in case my vagina is haunted.
Molly_Kats Going to church doesn’t make you a good person. Try not being an asshole instead.
shinyinfo For the 8th year in a row I’m giving up Jesus for Lent. #Classic
ryanmer I just counted 4 different homeless people sleeping on the grass. It’s springtime at the library!
thecheckoutgirl Look, if they didn’t want me to have a minty fresh clitoris then why in the world did they invent a vibrating toothbrush?
EvenMoreSarah Fuck a whole bag of this day.
justingibson What do you do when you’re at work and you cough so hard a fart happens. (I’m asking for a friend.) #urgent
LOD Old Spice’s ad campaign has become so weirdly surreal that I’m now frightened not to use it.
crom74 If love can build a bridge, then hate will build a fence for me next weekend. I’m tired of neighbor’s dogs shitting in & digging up my yard.
VHStapes2 Parenting is an amazing neverending task for superhumans. I assume you all do cocaine heavily.
danharmon I’ve chosen my tribal name. Tell your children, so they might tell their children, the legend of Owns One Shirt That Fits.
Bagyants I can trace most of my problems to my dad asking me what teabagging is.
Krud May you always have an app for that. #FakeIrishSayings
YUCKYBOT Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “MAY CAUSE AWESOME CHOREOGRAPHY!”