This whole week I’m showcasing the best tweets from every Follow Friday post from 2011. I’ve collected the best of the best and am featuring them here, along with my 100 favorite photos from the last year. I hope this is as much fun for you to read as it was for me to put together. Enjoy.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
lafix When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.
simontarr Pretty sure my father in law buys a new printer when his ink cartridges run out. He might actually be a genius.
AnimalBullshit Pandas are gold-digging whores.”
palinode My mother was a force of nurture.
ScrewyDecimal I didn’t have a commute this morning. I had an odyssey. It was the stuff of epic poems. I am Dante, and Brooklyn is the 9th circle of Hell.
The_Pigeon When making your resolutions, don’t forget to leave room for “letting the Pigeon drive the bus”.
MrWordsWorth All of Lifetime’s movies seem to have the same message of empowerment, if you consider ‘ladies, your lives are in danger’ empowerment.
louispeitzman The coolest thing I did in high school was making a LiveJournal icon of Garfield reading the newspaper with lyrics from “A Day in the Life.”
Sigafoos Oh, forgot to announce yesterday that I’m giving up my dream of brewing in lieu of artisanal Ethernet cable making.
juliussharpe Another Xmas of going home and telling my older relatives I invented Twitter. It’s just easier they think that.
telephase Resolution for 2011 is to void as many warranties as possible.
shinyinfo I can’t wait to be old & in retirement. Think of all the murders that will get solved!
colsonwhitehead Haters gonna hate. Butters gonna butt.
diskopo Jersey Shore will have more seasons than Arrested Development. Hope you’re proud of yourselves, humanity.
inversejaik K: Thus spoke Zarathushtra: “suck it n00b lol”
sucittaM I don’t remember if the toilet water was blue or not before I sat down, so there’s a chance I’m magical.
MrWordsWorth On the seventh day, she rested. #OprahsSecret
Gen_with_a_G Guess what, everyone? I don’t care about football. Like at all. Well, I guess I like the snacks. Go cheese dip!
thebookpolice Pug was sleeping so hard, he forgot how to eat biscuits. Made a huge clumsy mess, paused frequently. Just asked, “Is this real life?”
NoStylePoints Recent search that brought someone to my blog: “I have a panic attack and then I need to poop.”
GorillaSushi Outside the realm of noodles, the most underused unit of measurement is the Oodle.
vickytcobra When life hands you lemons, squeeze lemon juice into your eyes without blinking. Just to let life know you don’t fuck around.
OngoingBS This coffee’s so strong it just wrestled the remote from me and now we’re watching a mug sale on QVC.
joseph_ocon If I don’t write Happy Birthday on your Facebook wall, it’s because I genuinely hate you.
Betfairpoker I chew my gum and think about my past. I think about HER. My ex-wife Cynthia. “Legs,” they called her. Because she had legs.
joseph_ocon Just lost my favorite pen. Pretty upset. Mostly that I have a favorite pen.
wishing4horses The kids just left to go have lunch out. I sighed at the sudden quite. PS, I have a backhoe running in my backyard.
theRratedBull My wife just opened the blinds. This shit just got real.
Jesus_M_Christ I mean, sure I’ll take the wheel, but I’m kinda drunk.
thebenbrooks I love when Sarah Palin speaks her mind, it’s like half a haiku.
thebookmaven Necessity is the mother of the download.
markleggett My bum has fallen asleep. It’s having that dream again.
peterbyrnes In Los Angeles, car alarms are only useful to inform you in unison that yes, that was an earthquake.
Tweetin4Palin Everyone start likin’ me again & talk about how pretty & feisty I am or I’m holdin’ my breath til my Bumpit explodes.
DamienFahey I’m excellent at guessing which people entering CVS are headed to the “Stuff for Your Butt” aisle.
al3x I’m going to start sneaking the phrase “the most sophisticated cyberweapon ever deployed” into the READMEs for everything I write.
Just_PYKA Even after I told him I was gonna hit the sack, he lay there on the floor moaning in pain, as if he didn’t see it coming.
badbanana I’ve developed positive feelings towards my captors. Love you, couch and Cheetos.
pistolval The inevitable collapse of society is probably not a great retirement plan, but its all I have.
louisvirtel My sign changed and now I’m Prince.
markleggett Jerking off tons of random guys has really helped improve my Shake Weight technique.
edeniowa my mammogram tech complimented my boots at my exam & I heard it as “your boobs are adorable”. then got that she was referring to my wellies.
Ch8rming Planning for the zombie apocalypse is the new planning for retirement.
shinyinfo I spent the better part of 20 minutes breaking giant icicles off the roof and throwing them at a tree. #ProductiveMemberofSociety
badbanana Wait a minute. The deposed Tunisian president smuggled out 1.5 tons of gold? Just how big is that guy’s rectum?
antitheistangie Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
pattonoswalt Just once, Obama: “Caaaaaan yooooou DIG IT?!?!” #SOTU
danforthfrance Had a one night stand and now I’ve got the Yahoo! Toolbar.
mikey_m00n I feel like a number. A number two actually.
mrteacup My lifecoach says that at birth, his god Crom gives us courage to survive & defeat our adversaries in battle
danforthfrance I’m much better at dealing with depression during the hours thrift stores are open.
willgoldstein Finished reading Leviticus, and now know the punishment for sleeping with my female slaves. Not death. Phew!
matthewbaldwin Great editors will sometimes delete everything you have written and make you start over. In that sense, Microsoft Word is a great editor.
telephase Align all the text in your resume so it forms crop circles. Or a pentagram. This will demonstrate creativity.
peterbyrnes Next time I plan to make love to my lady on a bed of roses, I need to remember: petals ONLY.
MeganBoley It pleases me that people are searching for “cat eggs” and coming to my blog.
VHStapes2 Save your morning poop for work so you get paid for that shit!
ThatKansasLady Never underestimate a woman who can hook her bra with one hand and fry bacon with the other.
ladybirdj Eating a hot dog while sticking a Q-tip in your ear counts as a threesome.
apodixis It seems like the only thing Mario never does is any actual plumbing.
JerryThomas You’d think more Amish people would be into Steampunk, but no.
danforthfrance Don’t condescend to me, news. I know what “Allahu Akbar” means. #itsatrap
DeathStarPR We write all of Ke$ha’s songs. Well, to be fair, they’re written by a semi-sentient vat of custard in R&D, but still. #TrueEvil
pistolval I could not fry the tortillas for tacos tonight… but I feel like that would somehow be wrong.
mathowie The Honeycrisp is an AILF
antigone_spit I was going to make an accordion video but my arms are sore and all I know is Market Town from Zelda. SO.
crom74 My wife told me to bring home the bacon tonight, the literal bacon. I love my wife. Bacon for dinner, WOOT!
shinyinfo They’re still publishing Murder, She Wrote books! This makes me happier than is appropriate!
louispeitzman Those damn commercials make me feel like such a murderer when I use Mucinex. That globule had plans, you guys. He had a family.
thesulk Why are you calling me? Just text me a couple of letter-words like a normal person.