Last summer my cousin gave me a green, Christmas-themed shirt her daughter Victoria had outgrown. “Save it for Christmas,” she said, “and we can take photos of the kids in their Christmas shirts.” I thought this was a great idea, so I folded it up and tucked it away in a safe place with enthusiasm. Fast forward six months later, and that shirt is nowhere to be found.
“Liz,” I had to say, “I’m sorry, but I think I’ve turned into my mother.”
The cousin photos are adorable even without matching shirts, though my cousin made a huge faux pas when she tried to take Isobel’s purse out of the picture. ONE DOES NOT MESS WITH THE PINK PURSE OR ONE WILL BE SORRY. Also, check out that sweet goat Baby’s Sam’s holding. I’m pretty proud of it, as I am proud of the last photo in this series. I think I’ve found my calling: Awkward Unposed Children’s Photos.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
hollyburnsAll the dates I’m writing in my new 2012 planner are for season premieres of TV shows.
mommywantsvodka I cannot seem to come up with any decent resolutions for the New Year, so instead I will resolve not to become Lil Wayne.
NicLewis I think I’m a reverse hipster. Whatever the musical group you’re talking about, I’ve probably never heard of it.
theRratedBull That caller I just transferred is so lucky! They get to hear “Endless Love” in its entirety without going to an 1980’s wedding.
justaboutagirl The mom of those Invisalign Teen girls CLEARLY has a favorite child.
SteveMartinToGo My holiday twitter hours: Open all day and night. Except Wodensday, of course. Too busy worshiping Woden. Don’t care about Thorsday.
LouisPeitzman Are there charities to raise money for celebs like Ashton Kutcher and Kelly Clarkson who can’t afford access to Google?
Y_U_NOOO TWITTER FRIENDS, Y U LIVE SO FAR AWAY? Y U NO LIVE NEXT DOOR?
milonguera I’m drinking sangria for dinner. Because an hour ago I ate 70 more pounds of Chex Mix.
wordlust Two things I need to say more often are “I’m sorry” and “Choo-choo!”
palinode My review of Mission Impossible IV is that I stayed home and watched Tree of Life.
RideOrDiePudge You guys who habitually change your avatars have given me a chilling sneak peak into living with Alzheimers.
TheMiaWarren Mystikal was a rapper who cared. He told you to shake your ass but he also told you to watch yourself.
jenstatsky I always say no to drugs. Mostly after I take a bunch of em and am like, “hey I’m gonna start talking to these drugs!”
PolyesterPony Picture Tintin as a gay man and you’ve got a pretty good idea what I look like without my beard.
lieberian FB didn’t seem that interested in my new Perry the Platypus T-shirt, but I know you’ll get me, Twitter.
MightyQuinn72 The kids have gone into an After Christmas Electronic Game trance where they don’t eat and growl when I approach them.
MightyQuinn72 The one positive about the kid’s video game frenzy is that I hear there is a shortage of Single Player Shooters in the job market.
sgnp White plastic sheeting over an entire hill is the closest thing to snow I’ve seen all year.
lafix By the looks of this Starbucks, a whole lot of lumberjacks are working on their novels.
joversusvolcano When I go to Hogwarts I’m going to get a wand made out Keith Richards’ femur and unicorn pubes.
paulverhoeven They should have called Close Encounters of the Third Kind POTATO MOUNTAIN.
JRehling People may say I’m old-fashioned, but e’re the Moone werthe and halpthsome Fairies ag’in the heckerlocke Smythe of Aethyr luvv.
Nathan_Pensky Remember when you tried to use the force on your shoe? You were 19. Not a good year for you. LOSE A TURN. #GameOfLife
warmandpunchy take the path that takes you to college. ha ha idiot, all your money is gone forever now #GameOfLife
Nathan_Pensky Who’s that guy from jr high who said his dad knew Patrick Swayze? There’s an hour gone remembering right there. GO DOWN THE CHUTE #GameOfLife
Nathan_Pensky Feel a weird pain. It’s obviously cancer. Obviously. Think about cancer for three hours while trying to work. GO BACK TWO SPACES #GameOfLife
LouisPeitzman Watch your health insurance expire right before an illness. Draw from Community Chest. There is nothing there. #GameOfLife
rare_basement Grandma gives you twenty bucks out of pity. Move ahead three spaces. Hooray! #GameOfLife
notthatkendall I’m pretty sure you guys are repinning stuff just to fuck with me now.
ClevelandPoet Manager: “How ya doing?” Me: “I’m doing.” Manager: “You’re doing? Yeah I’m doing too.” Me: “Hooray doing!” Manager: …. #HowJimiRolls
NotActuallyHero I love when someone’s bio says they’re the official account for someone you’ve never heard of because I appreciate officialness
thecorbettkid all toys that make sounds will have their batteries removed tonight.
Patheticist Halfway through War Horse I asked the guy next to me to shoot me so I didn’t suffer any more.
Athenabee You know what I like to happen when someone comes over? Athena to walk out with my bra on.
BridgetCallahan It’s hard to explain to someone for the twentieth time why they are literally the worst person you have ever met, which is why I use lasers.
cryanathus Accidentally punched the door frame while trying to slide across the floor in new socks.
derekblackmon Just put my 7 yr old in Time Out for not showing me how to split the blue birds.
Greeblemonkey Good news: Didn’t break my arm ice skating yesterday. Bad News: It is so sore I’m having trouble doing laundry. WAIT. GOOD NEWS ALL AROUND.
jen_talley So I’m thinking about getting out of pajamas today. I know! I need to pace myself.
theneener And, with delayed comedic timing, my dog has let out an audible fart.
TheBloggess I wonder if @DalaiLama follows no one bc he’s making a very deep statement or if he just doesn’t know how twitter works.
eliza_evans Good night, Internet. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.
BillMc7 Tequila is like Instagram for your eyeballs.
thejennui The Internet is made of cats.
FannyOvrTeacups If the cat gets any fatter, I’m going to buy him his own wardrobe of tiny woolen cardigans and change his name to Mr. Belvedere.
SpaghettiJesus If this is a Downton Abbey marathon, I’ll believe in god, but only because it’s obviously a woman with good taste.
Toaster_Pastry According to Klout I can gain 5 additional Twitter followers if I say the word “boob.” Oh, my boobs ache.
davepolak “Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.”
slackmistress In case any of you were feeling remotely attracted to me, my bra is filled with brownie crumbs.
ProfessorSnack Remember my bus ride from DC to Indiana? This time I’m driving! With my family! Made boys go all day without peeing for conditioning.
tehawesome Matt Damon plays an adventurous father who takes a big risk in the heartwarming comedy-drama We Bought a Zune.
ApocalypseHow Show of hands: How many of you only remembered it’s Jesus’ birthday from Facebook?
shinyinfo Mom: “You can check Google but it might be off today.” #Christmas
JohnFugelsang Happy Birthday to a radical revolutionary who never defended torture, badmouthed gays, or asked a leper for a co-pay.
writingdirty I keep reading it as “Merry X-men”
colsonwhitehead When the song was written, “bough” meant “corpse,” so you’re singing about decorating your house with the body parts of someone named Holly.
jillsmo My tombstone will read: “even though she was Jewish, she was still killed by eggnog.”
thejennui My cat has an inappropriate relationship with my new Snuggie.
steenyweeny DIE HARD IS ON PRAISE SANTA
Smethanie A toast to the easiest night of the year to get kids to bed! Cheers!
TheMostTender The chunk of crab in my cousin’s hair is the least awkward thing going on at this family dinner.
Smethanie No, I’m not last-minute shopping. I’m in the toy aisle on Christmas Eve as part of my Zombie Apocalypse training.
iamfoxyroxie I have no idea what to get my dog for Christmas. #firstworldproblems
johnmoe My non-American followers should know that the most popular gifts this year are still handguns, cowboy hats, and piles of deep fried things.
WordShore Hurrah! The Asian corner shop is open tomorrow, so if you are local and haven’t got a present from me yet, you’ll be getting a yam.
Angel__Bee You guys, I don’t want to jinx it but I’ve made it through the whole holiday season without having to hear that “Christmas Shoes” song
Greeblemonkey GetGlue is the new Klout is the new Foursquare of annoying Twitter notifications.
shinyinfo I’m just saying. If there is a siege, the library WILL. NOT. FALL. I have metal bookends I will throw like ninja stars if need be.
MaryHChrist In the middle east. Pregnant. On a donkey. FML
mrshiggison When I hear the kids coming up the stairs, I shove whatever I’m eating entirely into my mouth.
palinode I just let something me dismay.
TheRedQueen Sometimes I wonder why I attempt anything beyond getting myself dressed and not drooling on everything.
badbanana My New Year’s Resolution, like always, will be to avoid an elk herd attack. I have a good feeling 2012 will be the year.
ecareyo While standing in line at the store, I whisper “There, there, you’ll be back here very soon” to the Christmas gift I’m about to buy for Mom
meganamram Every time a bell rings, an angel trained by Pavlov starts to drool.
AnnieLowrey What is scarier: Toy-obsessed, super-judgmental, bearded trespasser, or winged lady who wants to trade dollar bills for teeth?
KagroX Jingle Bells. They jingle all the way. It’s fun 2 ride in a sleigh w my friends. We dashing thru the snow. We dashing. #RebeccaBlackCarols
thegrumbles when i put my ear up to my coffee cup i can hear the ocean
chickenscottpie Sorry, lady hitting on me in the fabric store, there’s a reason I’m a dude shopping in a fabric store.
KaseyAnderson Why would I dance like nobody’s watching? People need to see this shit.