When our friend John got hired by a trucking company I immediately took it upon myself to buy him every single amusing vintage trucker hat I came upon while thrifting. John is a lover of gaming, D&D and comic books, and didn’t bat an eye when I started presenting him with these hats, even when I gave him a child’s-sized panda hat when he was dressed up as Rorschach for Halloween.
Here are some of my favorites.
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joshjs OH: “Isn’t the saying ‘two pigs with one bird’ nowadays?”
TristinaWright I’m gonna carpe the hell out of this diem.
ObtuseLibrarian If you leave the first S out of Podcasts, you have Podcats. Which sound like fun.
Toaster_Pastry Today, I fired 6 people. Too bad they weren’t working for me.
NASeason I’m reduced to taking very long bathroom breaks to get a minute to myself. Family is EXHAUSTING.
slackmistress Everyone at work discovering my bizarre Internet life is like being the Batman of weirdos and perverts.
trumpetcake Slip a mayonnaise jar over both your hands and feet if you’d like to rid yourself of weasels. #HomeRemedies
thecorbettkid just so you know, the pink tiger is the same as the pink panther.
shellipants nanananana SALAD TIME!
bellyofawhale iPhones are so great, as long as you don’t plan on ever making an actual phone call on one.
lovegrrbottle apparently remote controls, camera cases & cords are top motivation for Sonora. bc she just CRAWLED, people. we have ourselves a techy baby.
TheNextMartha Woman just jogged by in what looked like to be a cat woman costume.
JennyJohnsonHi5 Watching my dad use his new iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try to communicate with her dead grandma on a Ouija board.
babybabylemon The toddler disappeared while holding a rice cake covered in peanut butter. This will not end well.
sarcasmically It’s a little sad how long I will spend on my hands and knees looking for that one Skittle I dropped.
MrWordsWorth Idea: The Star Trek: TNG crew passes through a vortex and ends up on an Appalachian planet for a movie I call Picard and Grinnin’
whiskeynikki Pants are for suckers.
will__lane The Murdering Tree #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting
carlaeastis Blueberries & Bourbon for Sal #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting
rileyroxme Mary’s Poppin #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting
daniel14159 One fish, two fish, red fish, Kung Fu fish. #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting
chrismcelwain Little House on the Post-apocalyptic Wasteland #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting
robotderek Green Eggs and Bacon #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting
Seizurebot1011 Five Little Monster Trucks #childrensbooksmademoreexciting
Chris_Withers The Lion, the Witch and Something More Interesting Than a Wardrobe. #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting
woodge Blasting Caps For Sale #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting
chrismcelwain Skateboarding Ninja of Green Gables #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting
woodge If You Give A Mouse A Bazooka #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting
MikeFinazzo The Boxcutter Kids #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting
Seizurebot1011. Guess How Much I Love Explosions #childrensbooksmademoreexciting
jasonmustian Horton Hears ‘The Who,’ LIVE In Concert, On Acid #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting
jotro Bi-Curious George #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting
NotThatAndyJOne Fish, Two Fish, Giant Fish, Mutant Fish #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting
johnmoe Goodbye Forever Moon #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting
theleanover On Facebook, when I clicked that I “Like” Katy Perry, I really just meant her boobs.
GoonSquadSarah If DirecTV were a person, they would be the one you are only friends with because they have a boat. #SundayTicket
notthatkendall I’m going to spend my morning writing articles on corporate compliance…or dead. Dead sounds kind of cool, relatively speaking.
theleanover Nowadays Sir Mix-A-Lot likes big buffets.
notthatkendall “And then I forced the dog into a PhotoBooth photo shoot and we both took a nap.” – The last line in nearly all of my diary entries
the818 Waking up is for suckers.
theleanover Potential linens store name: Duvet Buffet.
rstevens Coffee. Black. In ceramic vessels.
slackmistress So it turns out “Call of Duty” isn’t a competitive pooping game.
johnmoe Uh oh. I accidentally bought the wrong game. I hope I can return this copy of Call of Doody.
MassageByTed It Burns #OtherDoritosFlavors
TheSuniverse There’s a spider above the door of the bathroom. Is it workplace harassment to tell a tall person to kill it?
keli_h last night, when i was reading E a story before bed, she said, “mom. i am so excited about having 2 dvd screens in our new car.” #priorities
rstevens My kingdom for a democratic republic.
TheManwife Hiring Manager: “Do you have any writing experience? Me: “Yes, I’ve published over 55,000 tweets.” I think I handled that rather well.
MrWordsWorth I subscribe to the belief that, if your Halloween decorations are still up one week later, you may as well just use those for Christmas.
CandyWarhole If I’ve learn one thing in life it’s this: Never trust a man who knows exactly how many candy canes he can hang on his penis.
royalboiler If we ever get jetpacks they will be so uncool. Like fannypacks mixed with segways.
mikeleffingwell A priest just performed an exorcism on our toilet. Nobody took a horrible shit there, he was just a crazy priest.
awrightbrian It’s not every day you get an extra hour to complain. Use it well, Twitter.
MariaMelee They need an app where you collect badges for doing this crazy parenting stuff.
kristenschaaled Thanks a lot Daylight Savings! Now I have to wait an extra hour for Christmas.
bobtiki Heck of a day for my beard trimmer to stop working. If you see a hobo at today’s wedding, it’s probably just me.
PolyesterPony There’s an old guy walking down the street with a spinning pinwheel hat on. Humanity has its charms.
MeganBoley There are 7893 Cheerios on the floor. In case you need any, I have them.
KeepingYouAwake Achievement unlocked: re-rolling entire roll of toilet paper that a child unrolled to wear.
MariaMelee Daylight savings was so much cooler before it meant my kids would be getting up at 6 am.
librarianearp I love watching all the Harry Potter movies in a row. Watching the kids grow up, become better actors, watching Hagrid’s house move.
mermaidpants Taking a break from #NaNoWriMo to watch an episode of Star Trek. There’s going to be photon torpedoes in my next chapter, I just know it.
PolyesterPony Hey, a guy asked me out. Like on a date. Sorry about that earthquake there Oklahoma.
heyrenees If only I’d been born sexy instead of empathetic.
jillgengler I think my tombstone will say “Jill Gengler: She was really fast with a flat iron.”
apodixis I know some of you are pretty busy. But you don’t actually have to read my tweets to star them. In fact, it’s better that way.
BridgetCallahan I just got spam promising me “close meeting with thoughtless facebook women” and I’m like, dude, I got that DOWN.
TheNextMartha I was just disciplining my 4 y/o and in the background my older son said “Oh Snap.”
badbanana Earlier this week, Andy Rooney had gone to the doctor complaining about shortness of breath and email and thumbtacks.
slackmistress Andy Rooney may have died, but Yelp commenters will make sure his legacy lives on.
biorhythmist (AP) Andy Rooney dead at 92 after a long battle with pretty much everything.
ineedaballrub I still remember the day I hatched from my egg avatar.
cbnickras To everyone who thinks hipsters are not a real thing anymore: they are in the Midwest! We are on a 7 yr delay from the rest of civilization.
CleverTitleTK I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the words “discount” and “surgery” don’t go together, Groupon.
Important_Facts We have nothing to fear but fear itself, plus like ten thousand other things. #FearFacts
Bibliosoph I can’t afford to buy new sweaters this winter, so I think I’ll just get fat to keep warm instead.
NicLewis After warding off 3 Best Buy guys with my technobabble, they descended upon a lady in a motorized cart. Now I’m conflicted about my powers.
Leask I’m pretty awesome at complaining. #grumblebrag
JerryThomas I am become hugs, the cuddler of worlds.
BonesMcCoy Why is everyone obsessed that some Cardassian named Kim divorced?