Nature has finally decided to act fall-like around here, which means cooler temperatures and windy days. I’m celebrating by posting my favorite fall-like photos.
This weekend we’re celebrating Halloween by driving down south so that my husband and a few of my friends can leap over hot coals, wear viking hats, and drink beer. Should be good times.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple stepsfurther. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
adamisacson Weird to think my cats don’t know my name. To them, I’m probably “Guy Who Gave Us Tuna From the Can That Time in 2007.” (They know years.)
Handflapper I just got up and already I need a nap. I must not be doing this life thing right.
NicLewis If you’re smart, you’ll have a car waiting. If you’re brilliant, you’ll have a jet pack waiting. #StepsToSurviveAHorrorMovie
notthatkendall Processing invoices while watching Rachel Zoe means I type things like “super-gigantic” and someone should come run me over with their car
LOLGOP Since 1980, the top 1%’s balls have grown by over 1,000%.
NicLewis You only get to say, “It’s over,” if you’ve detonated a neutron bomb in the killer’s colon. #StepsToSurviveAHorrorMovie
jberthume Was just picked up from a rural airport by someone in an RV. I think I saw this on Breaking Bad once.
badbanana I’m guessing the worldwide average is about one great idea per every 2.7 million Moleskine notebooks.
TNG_S8 The prime directive is completely ignored when Picard really wants to ride a Centaur. Geordie sleeps through the whole episode by accident.
J__Swift If you have a kitten do not eat the kitten. Pet the kitten, also, cuddle the kitten. DO NOT EAT KITTEN.
MariaMelee Every time I start to catch a cold I secretly wish it’ll make me sound like Jessica Rabbit.
freudiantypo Autocorrect just turned “doable” into “spanked” in my last text.
jillsmo STOP GIVING ME KLOUT IN BEYONCE!!!!
MmeSurly “Siri, where is the nearest bakery?”
“Are you sure? Those pants look like they’ve shrunk a bit in the dryer.”
misskubelik The mom calling her kid PEAPOD is freaking me out. She’s not saying it nickname-y. OH GOD, WHAT IF THE KID IS REALLY NAMED PEAPOD? #library
ameliastier There’s nothing worse than chipping your nail polish on the first day. Except maybe AIDS and world hunger I guess.
TheDweck Netflix is really in a downward spiral. If Netflix were a person, it would be eating pizza and watching Netflix all day.
abbeyrenee “I figured out why I’m so weird. I’m from the fourth dimensional.” #stuffJiminsays
PolyesterPony This home printer is needier than my ex.
TheTweetOfGod Seize the day. Arrest it. Throw it in jail. That’ll teach it for having so many possibilities.
InfiniteChicken Life has yet to give me an opportunity to make good on my “I could punch my way out the Vatican” boasts.
trypnotik I don’t do anything for love, but I’d do that.
morninggloria This isn’t a popular opinion to have in this politically correct reality we inhabit, but I believe that being Lady Gaga is a choice.
joeinverarity Thirty-some odd years experience of “existing,” and I’m still just OK at it.
mariannecanada My hair looks really nice today, which always happens the week before I reach Critical Mass levels of needing a haircut. Pray for me.
MrWordsWorth If I have learned anything from the cats, it is this: the stress of a long day is easily alleviated by noodging a cushion.
sgnp The best stall doors are the kind that fling themselves open when the person next to you slams theirs shut. #OppositeDay
WindsorGrace Why are there so many hamburger fonts?
SpaghettiJesus If everyone spent five minutes a day saying “I ain’t afraid of no ghost” in assorted redneck dialects, there would be no crime or poverty.
anneheathen My glass of wine brings all the fruit flies to the yard.
carlabare My icy hostility brings the boys to the yard.
MeganBoley I wish all the boys in the yard would bring me a milkshake.
rstevens First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they have sex with you. –Ghandi
misskubelik and you might say to yourself: “Hey, is there a picture of a Corgi dressed up as the USS Enterprise?” And the answer is “Corgiprise” & YES.
JesseThorn “Nope. Too classy.” – CEO of GoDaddy.com, at every meeting with every ad agency ever.
apelad General Mills’ Box Tops for Education is a money laundering scam. I’ve found no evidence to support this, but the search has been delicious.
JLYoungsma If you’re following me in hopes of deep reflective thoughts & inspirational quotes, you got the wrooong bitch.
lateandsoon Long-ass day. An ass should be firm or pert or voluptuous. ANYTHING but long.
himissjulie Natalie Dee’s “pleased to eat you” is appropriate to wear around children, right? Right?
BuenoBabyGirl I cannot hear my kids screaming at each other when I’m shaking my martini.
markleggett “Live nudes! All of our nudes are alive! Unless you mean emotionally, which in that case they’re all quite dead. But still very nude!”
Greeblemonkey Attempting dinner at home second night in a row. Hold me Martha Stewart, I’m goin’ in.
apodixis I’m a classy, sophisticated guy, so I spell it Herpès.
hotdogsladies Bad writing—like bad farts—often come out of anonymous assholes.
kfan Patchouli girl, my love for you is locally-sourced and mad sustainable.
johnmoe “Do you think being really funny is a more important trait than being a really good economist?” – the 10yo just now.
OurGoatRodeo Google Translator’s language’s “Detect Language” option should just be titled, “WTF to English.”
PolyesterPony Self editing. Like a grown up.
annakarenine buy a cat some fancy toys and he’ll end up playing with an old earplug 99% of the time.
magistratewu How I know I’m losing my hearing: I thought I heard my prof say that the United Nations resembles a giant titty bar.
rstevens The dog somehow hid a gooey rawhide bone up my shorts leg. I think I still like the dog.
telephase 2 y/o is doing some mansplainin’ to the wall in this restaurant. #thatsmyboy
simontarr Hell yeah! New LEGO catalog in the mail! I mean, my son will be very excited about this.
Dude_WaitWhat I want one of those LifeAlert things. I believe I should be able to use it when out of wine and too drunk to drive.
TweetsofOld A young man in our town ate, at one sitting, 5 1/2 feet of eel. We predict for him a brilliant future as an “eatist.” PA1879
ErinCerulean “It can seem a bit crazy that we humans don’t wise up a bit earlier in life. But if we smartened up sooner, we’d end up dumber.”
iasshole Mmm, wacky misunderstanding at work forced me to repeat the phrase “ASCII penis” four times. A good day.
ApocalypseHow A recent study says psychopaths use certain words more often than everyone else. For example, “Murder-tunity.”
lindseylu The decision to never have kids is really a gift to the world, so can you guys pick up the tab for my birth control?
hellnope Sent an email for the team huddle today. Realized just after hitting send I sent a team cuddle email. Today is gonna be adorable soon.
Bookish_Bitch Control top stockings are weird. I feel like a sausage from the waist down. A sexy, sexy sausage.
Bagyants When I scream “I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING” it’s always about leftover food and never about feelings.
Krud I am pro-noun.
ApocalypseHow There once was a man from Nantucket/Who prepped at Choate/And enjoys golfing. #VulcanLimericks
apelad The first a in Nevada is pronounced like the a in apple, unless you pronounce it opple.
sarahmcdallen Who you calling a hoecake, Paula Deen?
FakeeEtiquette It is polite to look for and point out time travelers in all historic photos.
joshjs Somewhere, Katie Holmes is asking Siri to buy Suri a Sari. Also, I apologize for that last sentence.
MrWordsWorth If I understand the plot of Anonymous, Shakespeare was a tweet thief.
joeinverarity HOW DID YOU DROP YOUR PHONE IN THE TOILET?! Oh wait. Don’t tell me. Are you on Twitter?
vhsTapes2 Today I will be hunting the worlds most dangerous game: Russian Roulette.
BridgetCallahan One of the major differences between me and a highly effective person is pants.
milonguera Pan flute. The spa industry’s musical overlord.
alwysabridesmd Just saw some old bitter people with a YES WE CAIN bumper sticker. WHAT IS IT LIKE TO HAVE NO SOUL.
mikeleffingwell Watching my wife and daughter napping peacefully just feet from my dog who’s aggressively licking his penis. Mixed emotions.
hateyouprobably Can someone fetch me a steak and also cook it and feed it to me?
ProfessorSnack I suppose the difference between bent and hell bent would be the shipping fees.
morninggloria All cat litter’s “fresh” scent smells the same, which defeats purpose of masking smell. Why not make a hickory bbq scented variety?
UnvirtuousAbbey Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, I’ve got two tickets to paradise.”
oldkimcole I’m starting “to” think some “of” you don’t really understand “the” proper use “of” quotation marks.
clarkekant Fuck the self-cleaning oven. I need a self-cleaning toilet.
LouisPeitzman I do NOT want to get a flu shot at Ralph’s. Well, maybe if it comes with a free sheet cake.
CorporateMonkey every year on my birthday I wonder if THIS is the year that I’ll finally get my superpowers.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.