Yesterday Isobel and I were in the backyard playing her new favorite game: “beach.” It involves a large patch of sand and several buckets and plastic shovels. While we were digging, Jupey came over the fence with a fresh Barbie in his mouth. He ran to Isobel and dropped it at her feet.
“A dolly! Jupey brought me a dolly! Mommy, look!” she shrieked excitedly, picking it up. “Thanks Jupey! I love you.”
It’s my Mom’s birthday today and she’s pretty much the a Cat Whisperer. Today, in her honor, I’m subjecting you to photos of my cats. Happy Birthday, Mom!
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
wheelfreed Does farting count as tooting your own horn?
mindykaling Oh no. Every T-Pain song now seems like a parody to me.
apodixis I have tuna flavored laxative on my fingers, in case you were wondering.
sgnp I’m not losing horribly. I’m helping you have the best game ever!
louisvirtel This tweet may not seem like an awesome Madonna tribute, but I’m actually lip-syncing it and humping the floor.
twopretzels Craig taught Lila to say “dog balls.” Yup. Can’t really say much more than that. Dog balls.
CourtNeedsSleep I just don’t understand why we went with ‘Unicorn’ over ‘Unihorn’ that’s all
Greeblemonkey Season 2 Muppets is clearly the year Jim Henson started smoking weed. #muppetnight
danforthfrance I never found out if the girl in that movie got her grade changed. (It was porn.)
cbnickras Back in the old days, before health insurance, people just died young! We should just return to that magic golden age!
LouisPeitzman This guy’s OKCupid page says his ideal partner reads at least six hours a week. Does reading online dating profiles count?
freudiantypo Just once I’d like to get a prescription bottle with a warning label that says, “Take with plenty of beer.”
shariv67 Isn’t it cute how old people sign all of their online comments? Sincerely,
MakeMommyCoffee Clearly tired of me checking for new teeth Allie waited until I was vulnerable and plunged her whole hand into my mouth & laughed maniacally.
PlumeriaSprite Atypical cells are the enemy but atypical friends are really fun.
Hojimoto I shouldn’t have to ask for a *Chocolate* Frosty. In my day when you asked for a Frosty you got Chocolate and liked it!
massagebyted Yes, I do think you should fill the back of your truck with lettuce and old chairs before you take the craigslist “for sale” photo.
MagpieLibrarian Cat skirt, squirrel shirt, snoopy scarf, AliceWonderland necklace, RedRidingHood pin. I’m your fucking kid’s librarian. Let’s read some shit.
sarahmcdallen Such a lovely day. Kim & I discussed having a lie down on the grass, but she said, at our ages, people wld probably think we’d fallen down.
apelad How can it be 1:35 already? Oh right, time passing.
FuckItLibrarian This lady honked at me as I turned into the library. I told her to kiss my ass. No one honks at the librarian.
rstevens my kingdom for an easier to control kingdom with more serfs and better access to navigable bodies of water
MagpieLibrarian if you liked it, then you should have put all hold on it. #allthesinglelibrarians
InfiniteChicken …now if you’ll all just cover your eyes for a few seconds… #BadMagicTricks
thechrisleroux Ladies and gentlemen, I think we can all agree that this puppy is now dead… #BadMagicTricks
johnmoe Sawing a bagel in half #BadMagicTricks
sgnp The Miser’s Reach-Around #BadMagicTricks
InfiniteChicken Now moms, kids—you will notice I am not wearing any pants… #BadMagicTricks
jenstatsky “OMG sooo cute, did you see this YouTube video of Zooey Deschanel playing the piano?!” – Cats.
NotGaryBusey Crocs are just PT Cruisers for your feet.
badbanana Where Settlers Settled #NewNebraskaSlogan
badbanana America’s Vast, Pasty Midsection #NewNebraskaSlogan
badbanana That Smell is Iowa #NewNebraskaSlogan
fierceflawless My constant inner monologue while watching tv: “these people are assholes.”
PMuffintop Day 2 of Kindergarten and my child has already asked me what “shitballs” means. Hooray!
muffpunch You know it’s a good day when you’ve used the phrase “you’re more than welcome to fire me.”
slackmistress It doesn’t matter where I work, I’m always the one who has to explain what Furries are.
LPCookbook Someone in the hallway is kerfuffled because they do not know how to use the watercooler. JUST PRESS THE BUTTON THAT SAYS “WATER.”
giromide Take these broken wings. They’ve been sittin’ in the basement for, like, two years. Shake ’em first. Might be some damn earwigs in ’em.
EvenMoreSarah Dear God I just got a Google ad for flushable dog poop bags called Flush Puppies. Now I kind of want to disable my OWN account.
maggiesox I am beginning to resent every email in my inbox that doesn’t come from Pottermore. I just cursed out an email from my mom.
BridgetCallahan I resent almost all of you for almost everything – my acceptance speech.
jephkelley Flying next week and already know which section of SkyMall I’m flipping to first. The Pendant of Arwen Evenstar is as good as mine.
ClevelandPoet There’s a statue of a priest guy sticking his fists out in my gallery. Every time I pass by I have to urge to fist bump him. #GotMadRespect
thecheckoutgirl Just washed down my birth control pill with french fries, essentially doubling the effect.
chickenscottpie I’m suffering from Michele Bachmann overload. Can we all just agree she’s an embarrassment to humanity and then never talk about her again?
batsly I hate to brag, but I’m really fuckin’ good at it.
wheatnik Instead of writing books, I tweet, because I am horrible at stringing sentences together in a coherent manner. I love chocolate pudding.
jszyd How does a shepherd keep track of how many sheep he has without falling asleep?
heyrenees The state of everything makes one thing crystal clear: we picked the wrong time to cancel the space program.
mrpilkington Who wants to watch antiques roadshow?! I’ve got 137 hours saved on the DVR. You’ll probably never hear from me again.
rstevens I don’t need to get enough rest if I just keep raising my Sleep Debt Ceiling.
danforthfrance Told Grandma how to order the Internet and asked her to call me back to tell me how it went. Chain smoking like Apollo 13 Mission Control.
TheSuniverse I have a cut on the tip of my middle finger. Damn. That finger gets the most work.
revtrev Actual Sign: “In case of fire, exit building before tweeting about it.”
guiltysquid I’m letting my children vacuum. The mama bear in me is wanting to run and grab my precious in a protective fashion. Oh, my poor Dyson.
Ahm76 When couples introduce me to their infant, all I hear is “look what we built using only our private genitals!”
jszyd “Holy shit!” – Guy who walked into the stall immediately following Jesus.
Cre8BeautyDaily No, YOU just lied to your 3 yr old niece & told her that the sea salt caramel you just ate was special vitamins for pregnant ladies.
KeepingYouAwake That there is a soda called Squirt is just hilarious to me. Honestly, just try not to laugh with a mouthful of Squirt.
dantelfer I wish a museum would hire me to wander around and yell at everything.
luckyshirt After the Flood, God made a rainbow as a promise He would never kill us all again. But later He got all mad at us again and made celery.
Shedletsky A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
luckyshirt “This feels so amazing. You are so terrible at this. I am in heaven. I want to kill you. That’s perfect. You’re an idiot.” -a cat being pet
ecsuperhero Old man Shane received his first ever jury duty notice and just tried to throw it in the trash. Aw, my baby daddy wants to go to jail.
thejohnblog I don’t believe in cruelty to animals, so I lied and told my dog his butt looked great in the jeans I put on him.
guiltysquid Answer your phone in public with, “Where in the hell is my monkey??” and people act like you’re odd.
smileydooby So few racists ever take the time to get to know me. They’d still end up hating me but you know, later.
Filmdrunk Jesus Christ, iTunes, I just wanted to buy an album, but I’ll have my lawyer take a look at this agreement and get back to you.
steenyweeny i don’t care what any of you say, growing out your bangs is the single most awkward stage of life.
trollprincess Dear rest of the world: If Bachmann gets nominated, please invade. We’ve clearly had an accident and are unable to care for ourselves.
TheNextMartha At a restaurant that advertises “Shrimp 5 ways.” All 5 ways are fried.
ispinyarn Damn autopilot led me around 3 sides of a large square. It is so fired.
pourmecoffee To actually vote, Iowans go on stage and the John Deere Sorting Hat announces their choice.
TheRedQueen Well my genius appointment was 20 mins ago and I am still waiting. Genius a little faster guys.
amandaha I did the walk of shame back to my old hair stylist with June’s awful uneven cut. That’s what “walk of shame” means, right?
morninggloria Every time I read about a drunk man in his 30’s falling into the river or something equally dumb, I wonder if it’s one of my ex boyfriends.
johnmoe Hey now! Your a monster! Put some pants on! Go play! Wait now! Here’s a lobster! Call your friend’s mom! No way! #SMASHEDMOUTH
apodixis I’m convinced that typing in all caps is a sign of some kind of learning disability.